Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

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Curtid21
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Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

#1 Post by Curtid21 » Thu Sep 06, 2018 11:53 pm

Hey all!
Again thank you to all continued readers and commenters so far. I've really come a long way since the first time I found this place.

I'm about 50%-60% done with scriptwriting for the Destined project. I've shared these steps with you all as I've completed them. This is likely going to be the last of these posts because I now have a strong basis to begin on the music, art, and coding for my novel.

Destined is about a young, college student facing an identity crisis. He's struggling to find out who he was, who he is, and who he wants to be in life. Feeling pressured by society, he meets an array of people in tough situations. Through each person he finds out a key to his character by how he interacts with them.

This storyline is about a woman named Lysandra. She's a person you'd rarely see. A gymnast now paralyzed from the waist down. Our reader follows as Lysandra attempts to reclaim her professional gymnast life once more while our Main Character discovers a key to who he really is.


Please enjoy this one. As always, I truly appreciate any feedback. Thank you!
Attachments
Lysandra Script.pdf
-Destined, A VN by Curtis Robinson
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"Are you ready?"
Ready as I'll ever be.

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Applegate
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Re: Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

#2 Post by Applegate » Sun Sep 09, 2018 7:43 pm

All right, I'll bite. I went back a bit to skim through your previous two scripts, only read this one in full.

Lysandra's character feels rather clichéd: a paralysed gymnast who is cheerful, determined to get back into the game and doesn't want to rely on others unless needed isn't a novel concept. However, I'm glad you're at least pulling it off okay, and Lysandra is a pleasant character.

In all your scripts, and this one as well, I feel like the dialogue could use another revision pass, just to sharpen it a bit, ex.
Ly: Don't look too surprised now, but I'm a gymnast. I hear you thinking, and the answer is yes, really!
M: A gymnast -and- a mind reader?
Ly: Oh shush. I'm just a tiiiny bit out of practice.
Making the reader "click through" just "A─" is an additional click that serves no purpose. From Lysandra's characterisation she'd take the lead as well, so it's fine to sharpen the dialogue by condensing some parts. Same for the way both speak in whole sentences a lot. Ex.
M: I saw you, and hoped you’d make it across.
a. Ly: I always will. When you see me again, I will make sure to cross that much
faster.
Which could be condensed to:
M: I hoped you'd make it.
Ly: Always! Next time I'll be even faster.
I feel like the narrative parts are a bit weak; it's a lot of "I do this." "I do that." "I see this." so it feels like the MC is spending a lot of time summing up what he's doing, but not a lot of time sharing his thoughts or feelings. The MC appears to exist as a device to interact with the world, but he doesn't appear to be much of anything. I get the idea of creating a "tabula rasa", but I don't think it's appropriate in this case: the story's about the MC's journey of self-discovery, which necessitates the MC existing as a person in the story.

Side note: you can freely omit all "I see" mentions and replace them with the actual observation, i.e. replace "I see Lysandra waiting for me." with "Lysandra's waiting for me."

The plot line is solid, and the interactions are enjoyable. I do think the dialogue could use some work to read more like the jabs they want to be. Not the slow hooks we're currently getting.

Good luck.

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Re: Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

#3 Post by Curtid21 » Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:22 pm

Applegate wrote:
Sun Sep 09, 2018 7:43 pm

I feel like the narrative parts are a bit weak; it's a lot of "I do this." "I do that." "I see this." so it feels like the MC is spending a lot of time summing up what he's doing, but not a lot of time sharing his thoughts or feelings. The MC appears to exist as a device to interact with the world, but he doesn't appear to be much of anything. I get the idea of creating a "tabula rasa", but I don't think it's appropriate in this case: the story's about the MC's journey of self-discovery, which necessitates the MC existing as a person in the story.

Side note: you can freely omit all "I see" mentions and replace them with the actual observation, i.e. replace "I see Lysandra waiting for me." with "Lysandra's waiting for me."

The plot line is solid, and the interactions are enjoyable. I do think the dialogue could use some work to read more like the jabs they want to be. Not the slow hooks we're currently getting.

Good luck.
Hey Applegate,

Thanks for the in-depth reply. I actually really like those edit examples.
I think you're the 2nd person to mention the "tabula rasa" of the MC. Do you feel the MCs thoughts after each scene aren't enough to express his character or should it be bolder throughout the dialogue too?

Thanks a lot!
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Ready as I'll ever be.

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Applegate
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Re: Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

#4 Post by Applegate » Thu Sep 13, 2018 8:40 pm

Curtid21 wrote:
Thu Sep 13, 2018 2:22 pm
Hey Applegate,

Thanks for the in-depth reply. I actually really like those edit examples.
I think you're the 2nd person to mention the "tabula rasa" of the MC. Do you feel the MCs thoughts after each scene aren't enough to express his character or should it be bolder throughout the dialogue too?

Thanks a lot!
Hello Curtid,

Glad you enjoy them. I believe I did a disservice by calling the MC a Tabula Rasa, as he does display personality in some responses, e.g.
M: Call me rude then
or
M: Ack, soooo thirsty. M, save mee!
but a lot of dialogue he seems faceless, with few personality features, as in
M: How was it today?
Ly: Better than ever!
Ly: I cleared the bars and still had time to spare.
M: Between today and the last day I came?
Ly: Mmmmhm
M: There has to be something in that juice box.
Ly: Hahahaha
If he's playful (and his last line certainly suggest so!), consider writing something like,
M: So how'd you do today? Wait, wait, I got this... 'Fantastic'?
Ly: Cleared the bars and still had time to spare! How'd you guess?
M: Guess you're not the only mind reader, eh?
Ly: Haw haw.
M: Nah, you've got the biggest grin on, you must've done well. Or did you spike that juice?
Play it up and blow it up a little! Especially in a first draft, it's OK (in my humble opinion) to exaggerate personality traits to make sure the characters are obvious, as is their tone. Then turn it down a notch if you've gone too overboard.

Lysandra maintains personality throughout the piece, so I definitely believe you can do it. It's a matter of cementing down the core of your MC, then checking whether the voice in your dialogue matches the MC's voice.

I believe a character's personality informs everything they do, from thoughts to dialogue. So yes, definitely put his personality in his dialogue as well. In fact, dialogue is the place to express his self-reflection as well.

Hope my intention comes across!

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Curtid21
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Re: Enjoy Yourself Read - Destined: Final Script

#5 Post by Curtid21 » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:19 pm

I totally get where you're coming from now. Hoping to use this weekend to go over these drafts. Hyped!
"Are you ready?"
Ready as I'll ever be.

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