Feedback about english translation

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Meg'
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Feedback about english translation

#1 Post by Meg' » Mon Oct 22, 2018 5:19 am

Hi!

Because I think translation has to do with writing, I'll post my subject here.

Here is the thing: I began translating my game in english (I don't trust other people doing it in my stead because of a bad experience in the past. I'll pay someone to do it once I can afford it) and I would like to have some feedback about it.

So I'll post the prologue here and ask you to answer those questions after having read it:

1/ Is the translation understandable?
2/ Can you get into the story easily or are there huge spelling mistakes?
3/ Do you think this level of translation could be acceptable for a free to play? (I have experience with releasing games but only in french, so it's really all about the english audience)


I'm not looking for feedback about the story but only about the translation.
label prologue:

"In my apartment, there is a man I don't know; his face is always shrouded in darkness, I never got the chance to see what he looked like."

"Every morning, he reads the newspaper he received and sits down at the table to drink his coffee. A black coffee, without sugar. He holds the spoon with his left hand, hand
on which there is a scar."

"For a long time I have wondered about his presence, trying to understand the events happening before my eyes without ever succeeding to do so: This man doesn't live with me, I live {b}alone{/b}."

"I sigh before taking a sip of my tea, it's like that since I moved in."

"Having recently been hired as a waitress at a local restaurant, I decided to find a flat near my workplace."

Heroine "Why does this place have to be... Haunted?"

"I turn the TV on and listen briefly to the news, but it starts to blurr while a feminine voice rises through it."

"Voice" "{i}You shall never find peace. For what you did to me, I curse you. Your progeny will not know rest, I promise you {b}Conrad{/b}.{/i}"

"And every morning, it's the same story."

"This woman voice ruins my day start and always repeats those sentences full of anger and bitterness,"

"sentences for the mysterious Conrad who probably made her suffer in the past."

Heroine "Haunted, maybe I'm overreacting."

"My phone rings, it's Joshua, my ex and actual best friend."

Heroine "Joshua?"

Joshua "Hi! What's up? Do those strange things still happen on your TV?"

"I look at the TV which blurrs once again."

Heroine "{i}I'll survive...{/i}"

"I haven't told him about the visions I regularly have, he wouldn't have believed me anyway."

Joshua "Let's meet up at the restaurant later! We'll drink an espresso before work."

Heroine "It's fine with me."

"At ease and satisfied with my answer, Joshua hangs up and I finish getting ready. I turn the TV off and am about to go out when it suddenly turns on by itself, the voice rising once again."

"For the first time since several weeks, it pronounces new sentences."

"And here I was thinking it was a recording, this sudden change makes my blood run cold."

"Voice" "Do not rely on love, it will be for the one chosen by your heart the deadliest poison."

"Really, this voice is becoming more and more likeable in its threats..."

Heroine "Stop, I have to go to work."

"Once again, I turn the TV off and move away from a few steps."

"Voice" "Do not let yourself be blinded by the qualities of a man, they are but the front of his flaws. He will break your heart like Conrad broke mine."

"My heart skips a beat. The TV is off but the voice... Is directly talking to me?"

menu:

"Panicked, I grab my keys to leave as quickly as possible":

"Panicked, I grab my keys to leave as quickly as possible."

"My hand lands on the door handle but my vision begins to blurr, letting me see someone's else. A man's hand."

Heroine "Impossible..."

"My heart is pounding while I'm forcing the handle refusing to budge."

Heroine "Are you kidding me?"

"The apartment walls catch my attention. Where is their usual color? And those horrible paintings, who do they belong to?"

"A simple flutter of eyelashes, the time to catch my breath and my hallucination had ceased."

"Needless to say that once the handle finally decided to budge, I left my apartment in a hurry."

"Unshaken, I answer to the voice":

"Unshaken, I answer to the voice."

Heroine "No worries about that, I don't easily trust men."

"Voice" "This is for the best. Your heart will be preserved from grief and betrayal."

"The voice dies out, finally allowing me to leave the apartment."

"Careful, I unplug the TV":

"I step forward to unplug the TV, when I suddenly feel like someone's hand is resting on my shoulder."

"The feel is so real that I decide to make sure I'm not dreaming and turn to see if there is anything out of the ordinary, before finding myself in front of the man who also {b}lives{/b} in my apartment."

"Impossible to see his face, it is shrouded in darkness."

Heroine "What..."

"I guess he is looking in my direction but it seems like he doesn't see me, observing something in the distance."

"Man" "Amélia, stop spying on me. I have work."

"Voice" "Will you get home late this evening again?"

"Man" "Maybe. I do not know beforehand how much work is awaiting me."

"Voice" "We had a dinner planned. Our friends-"

"Man" "Will wait. If you enjoy our lifestyle, stop pestering me with those trivialities."

"Voice" "I understand, {i}Conrad{/i}."

"Conrad! The name of the man who broke the voice's heart I'm hearing. Would it happen be his wife's?"

"The vision stops suddenly, bringing me back to reality, a reality in which I have to meet up at the restaurant with Josh in less than fifteen minutes!"

"I close the door and hurry towards the restaurant."

"When I arrive at work, Josh raises his head and frowns as soon as he sees me."

Joshua "What's with the cut on your cheek?"

"I touch my cheek and feel a scratch."

Heroine "How did I get this scratch... ?"

Joshua "You'll tell me with a cup of coffee. Quick, we don't have much time left before work."

Heroine "Yes, yes."

"Joshua and I go inside before being greeted by our colleagues. Nicole, the manager, comes towards us with a serious expression."

Nicole "Jack's grandson will inspect the restaurant this afternoon. Everything needs to be in order."

"I frown and briefly look at Joshua."

Heroine "Did you already know about this?"

Joshua "Sorry for not telling you, but I didn't want to worry you."

"One of the reasons Josh and I were not together anymore: Under the pretext of protecting me, preserving me,"

"he hid some things from me and did not confide in me."

"A visit from the owner's grandson wasn't good news."

"Knowing that the restaurant had just made its best turnover since a decade, why would Jack do something like this?"

Heroine "Why does Jack want to give his restaurant to his grandson?"

Nicole "I don't know. He is supposed to come Wednesday to explain what he wants to do with the restaurant."

Joshua "Does he want to sell it?"

Nicole "It's a possibility, even if I think that he hopes to leave the management to his grandson."

"His grandson. His reputation was well established: professional in both business communication and management, Mickael surnamed Mika, wasn't one to do things by halves or show feelings."

"In other words, the months to come would be rough."

"Nicole interrupts our conversation when our two other colleagues arrive, inviting us to start our work."

"The morning goes by quickly and after lunch break, Mika shows up at the restaurant. When the doors open on him, my heart is filled with apprehension."

"I started to work here recently but I learned to love this place, its warm atmosphere and my colleagues."

"So, seeing him dressed up to the nines, perfectly coiffed, worries me tremendously."

"How could such a person understand the way our family restaurant works?"

"He heads for the counter with confidence, ignoring us totally in the process before talking directly to Nicole that he guessed to be the manager."

Mickael "Good afternoon. Nicole, I guess?"

"He extends hand to greet her, a hand that Nicole shakes after having considered him for a few seconds."

Nicole "Good afternnon, Mickael. Your grandfather informed me about your visit. Would you like to have us show you around or do you have something planned?"

Mickael "I only came as an observant today."

Heroine "You can sit at a table as a customer, we'll take care of you."

"He turns to me, making me clearly understand his dissatisfaction with my suggestion."

"Yet when our eyes meet, his expression changes completely and he suddenly turns white."

Mickael "I..."

"Putting a hand on his forehead like he was trying to calm himself down, he closes his eyes and sighs before turning to Nicole with a smile on his lips."

mi "Let's do that for today: I'll be a customer like any other and examine your performance."

Nicole "Perfect! [player_name] will take care of you."

Mickael "No. I'd rather have him serving me."

"He passes in front of me and indicates Joshua. Our eyes meets once again while he follows my friend, what I read in them makes me thoughtful."

"When he saw me, did Jack's grandson feel like he had just met the Devil? Even though I don't know him, he seems to be particularly familiar with me..."



End of prologue -
Thank you in advance for your feedback and help! :D
Last edited by Meg' on Mon Oct 22, 2018 12:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Feedback about english translation

#2 Post by parttimestorier » Mon Oct 22, 2018 10:59 am

You've made a good start here! I understand the story and there aren't any major issues that jump out at me. However, there are some minor things that make some sentences seem a little strange. Sometimes it's not anything that's necessarily grammatically incorrect, but you've just worded things in a way that's different from how I would expect a native English speaker to say it - which is understandable, of course. I think it would be fine for you to continue translating it yourself, but I would recommend hiring an editor to fix those small problems when you're done. Good luck! Also, I'll have to keep an eye on this project. French is my second language, so I'm happy when I can practice through reading French visual novels. :)
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Re: Feedback about english translation

#3 Post by Meg' » Mon Oct 22, 2018 12:23 pm

Thank you very much for your feedback! This is what I thought, I'll try to improve it by focusing more on idea than words. Damn, is it the location in my profile that gave away the fact that I'm french? Or the translation? xD

I'll think about hiring an editor, I think this could be a good compromise and maybe more affordable for me.
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