How would you write a crying scene?

[Rensuka]

In my VN I have plenty of scenes where the characters are crying, for various reasons. When I read them back, they all feel like they fall kind of flat and don’t really have any impact. This was really present with a scene I wrote where a child is climbing on a kitchen counter and slips and falls hurting themselves on the way down and hitting their head when they hit the floor.
There are a few important pieces that I think I should mention.

1. While the child was hurt, they were not seriously hurt. No broken bones, no serious injuries, no doctor or ER trips necessary, it just physically hurts them. Though they are not aware they aren’t seriously hurt at least not initially.
2. They just fell maybe three or four feet off a standard kitchen counter. Which as a child feels so much taller than it really is, so they are terrified.

So I was thinking back to what I would do if I were that child when I was younger.
1. There’s that moment when it’s all over of “omg what just happened to me.” It usually lasts for a few seconds, where you’re just silent and kind of shocked.
2. There’s then that moment that you either feel that you are hurt or you are just so scared your tiny brain tells you to cry out. So you just start wailing. I mean like full on top of your lungs crying.
3. Then there’s the crying out for a certain parental or caretaker figure for comfort. That’s the “I want my mommy!” Moment.
4. Then hopefully there’s the start of the recovering part where someone has gotten to you and they try to comfort you and you aren’t crying as hard anymore, but your more like weeping because now your starting to “come down” off the fight or flight and you just need someone to comfort you and reassure you that everything is ok.

That’s just a kind of basics of what I remember, and what I was trying to write in my VN. So my question is how would you write the above scenario and what things would you take special care to cover?

[HEXdidnt]

Assuming you're aiming to write from the child's point of view, that's a really tricky one. As children, we don't (normally) make the conscious decision to cry as a result of the kind of shock and/or injury you describe, nor is there any self-reflection while crying... It's a mostly automatic reaction: thing hurts, tears flow, wailing commences... which is kind of why it's then (sometimes) remarkably easy for a parent/guardian to ease them out of it. Mostly what they need is a distraction from what's just happened, and most young children are quite easy to distract.

In other instances, many young children simply cannot articulate why they're crying - you can ask them, and they'll say "I don't know", which will often then make it worse, because they then become upset over being upset in the first place. It's not a logical, considered response, so it's hard to qualify or quantify in that way.

I guess one way would be to play into the sheer unknown of it: the child slips and falls, and there's the sense of shock in the experience of being at gravity's mercy - literally, there's a sensation of something unseen pulling them down, and they're no longer on a safe and stable surface... Because they're so small, the fall might seem as if it's going on forever (particularly if they're not falling face-down)... then there's the shock of the sudden stop when they reach the ground, coupled with the confusion over what just happened and what it means (because children are not automatically aware of the concept of consequences)... Then, once the shock passes, the awareness of pain starts to creep in, and there's the confusion about that - what that pain is, where it's come from, how it's suddenly become the only thing in the world that they're aware of, and perhaps the fear that it might never go away?.. At that point, the need for comfort will certainly kick in, and the natural human response is to make noise, hopefully to attract the attention of parent/guardian. Problem is, all this can happen in the space of a couple of seconds, so expressing that in writing would be difficult at the best of times.

To an extent, I'd be very tempted to gloss over the how and why - write only briefly about the falling, the shock/confusion and the pain, and focus instead on the experience of crying, in and of itself: the eyes stinging, burning, filling up with water that then streams uncontrollably down their face, tasting salty when it inevitably gets in their mouths due to all the shrieking. How being wrapped up in a parent/guardian's arms gradually eases the pain and staunches the flow of the tears, till they realise that they, themselves, were the source of all the shrieking, and so they slowly quiet down as the sense of comfort overpowers the confusion, and brings them back to their normal state of awareness.

At that stage/age, it's not even 'fight or flight', since making noise might equally attract the attention of some form of danger they're not even aware of... Such as the possibility that the parent/guardian might get angry about the noise and/or any mess they might have made along the way.

Which brings another angle: children may or may not cry over future events based on their experience of the current event. If crying results in receiving comfort from a parent/guardian, they'll likely cry the next time something bad happens, until such time as that external source of comfort is no longer needed. If the parent/guardian ignores them or attacks them, they would gradually learn to avoid crying in circumstances where that happens.

[Rensuka]

Thank you very much! That was very insightful!

[HEXdidnt]

No worries - I hope it was useful.

Another aspect that's occurred to me is that, when a child starts crying, they will also sometimes find themselves fighting for breath. That is to say, more energy is going into exhaling (to make noise) than inhaling and, again, it's pretty much outside of their control. I mean, breathing is (normally) an involuntary action - it's not something we have to think about, it just happens - but it then comes into direct conflict with the bawling, which sometimes leads to a characteristic 'seal bark' gasp for breath in between wails... So there might also be a sense of suffocation along with all the panic, confusion, noise, and streaming eyes.

[Kuiper]

I think your post does a good job in identifying an important point, which is that crying is mainly an emotional response, rather than something that's just about physical pain. (There are plenty of events that can induce crying where zero physical pain is involved -- see pretty much any event where you spend hours working on a project, only for your work to be erased in an instant when your computer crashes, or your roast burns in the oven.) A stressful event is often a bigger deal than a painful event.

Of course, it's possible for an event to be painful in more than one way. If I get into a car crash on the way to the big event, there's the physical pain of whiplash, plus the stress of not knowing whether my insurance is going to cover the event (and the fact that, even if my insurance does cover it, that process is going to be far from convenient), plus knowing that I'm going to be late to the event to go to -- a bunch of small stresses piled on top of each other can sometimes be too much to handle without crying.

All of this is compounded when you're young, because whenever you're experiencing something for the first time, there's that question of, "Am I going to be okay? Is this one of those things that is just part of living, or is this actually a catastrophic event that I need to be really worried about?" Small children will often take cues from adults -- which is why you'll sometimes see situations where a kid will fall over, and apparently not be too bothered by it, up until the moment that they see concerned adults with scared expressions swooping into sweep them off the ground, at which point they realize, "Oh, apparently this is a crisis situation," and begin crying. In a situation where there's no adult present, the question of "am I going to be okay?" is left unanswered. That uncertainty can be a big source of fear, especially when combined with physical pain and the physical disorientation that can come from falling.

Of course, the character, in this moment, probably doesn't know why they are crying. But the reader will understand why, if the writer has done their job. (Part of "show, don't tell" means finding a way to communicate that a character is afraid without having them consciously thinking to themselves, "I am afraid right now." And most kids don't even fully understand their own emotions, let alone possess the ability to articulate them.) In a lot of cases, the goal of writing is to communicate the characters' emotions to the reader so that the reader can vicariously experience them. Even if the reader knows on a certain level that the character might not actually be in any danger, that doesn't mean that the character's emotional response is any less real.

One thing I'd add is that one of the reasons small children cry can be the difference between expectation and outcome. (Uncertainty is inherently scary -- at risk of getting too far into the weeds, there's a neuroscientist named Karl J. Friston who is known for a theory of "predictive coding" that describes all humans as constantly generating a mental model of their environment, and constantly work to minimize the uncertainty of that model. Kids, being young and inexperienced, are still in the process of building those mental models, and are looking for certainty any place they can find it -- this is why kids will often take comfort in familiar objects like stuffed animals, and is also why kids love repetitively listening to the same songs over and over, and will happily rewatch the same movie TV episode multiple days in a row.) That "uncertainty" is part of why children will sometimes start crying when something surprising happens, even if it's not a negative event. See, for example, the many examples of kids who start crying as a reaction or become scared when experiencing a jack-in-the-box (or similar toy) for the first time -- if you haven't had the opportunity to experience this for yourself first-hand, you can find plenty of examples on Youtube. If a small child is standing on a counter reaching for an object on a tall shelf with the expectation that they'll be able to grab the object, and instead find themselves on the floor, that's a drastic difference between their mental model (what they expected to happen) and what actually happened -- crying is a completely natural response, even if the child lands in a way that isn't painful at all!

[Rensuka]

Thanks! That was really helpful! I’m going to try to rewrite what I had using both your notes!

[phantmoftheomsi]

What's the context around the crying scene? If it just suddenly happens, that may be why it feels flat. If there's a reason it would be unexpected or unfortunate, that could have more of an emotional impact on the player. This could be accomplished by adding plot indicators that the character is usually tough and refuses to cry in front of other people, or they are ready for a really good day but it gets off to an awful start. These are just examples, as something entirely different could apply to your character. The goal should be to evoke pity and fear in the audience, so you ought to begin with a reason they should empathize with the crying.

It also helps to think of it in terms of alternating positive and negative states in the plot, where the crying acts as a negative experience for the character that is bookended by positive experiences (or degrees of negative, if you want to go dark). This will create dynamism in the story and make it feel like a lot is happening, even if very little is actually going on.

I also recommend watching Kramer vs Kramer. It's an extremely well-written movie that uses positive and negative states with expert technique, all while telling the story of a father and son experiencing unexpected, complex emotions in their everyday lives.

[Rensuka]

What's the context around the crying scene? If it just suddenly happens, that may be why it feels flat.

First of just want to mention that I wrote this on my phone so if there’s weird mistakes or strange words it was my bad / autocorrect.

The scene is a flashback but I’ll give you context to what’s happening prior to the flashback:
The main character, Sophie, is a witch and during this small story arc she gets called out by her fairy friend, Bella, for not knowing how to ride a broom. This is something that brings her a lot of shame and embarrassment and to make it worse Bella who is pretty much a child and doesn’t know any better called her out right in front of Lily, a barmaid who Sophie has a huge crush on. Bella and Lily are unaware of why Sophie had been trying to hide this from them, from their point of view it’s just that she was making a big deal out of something small, think like if someone were to tell you they couldn’t ride a bike or something and they were embarrassed by that. Bella and Lily see it that way and get really enthusiastic about trying to help Sophie learn. They feel they are doing something nice for Sophie who up until this point hasn’t really shown any sort of flaws or shortcomings and has always been their “rock” so to speak or the one they could rely on when they needed help. The thing they don’t understand is that this specifically is something that Sophie probably could have learned very easily if she didn’t have so much emotional baggage around her childhood. See the broom is something that is passed down from mother to daughter and as such, the mother is expected to teach the daughter how to ride it. Unfortunately, Sophie’s mother got sick and died before she could do this. In those instances, usually the father would then step in and teach the daughter, however, Sophie’s father was so devistated by the loss that he became unable to care for her and himself. This is where the flashback starts.

Young Sophie (about 8 to 10 years old) doesn’t understand what’s wrong with her dad, but she understands that he’s not the way he used to be. In the earlier days of her mom’s death, he was still somewhat functional, if not just really agitated and shut off from the world. This is where young Sophie learns that she can still make her dad smile, and since to her young brain smile = happy, she was making her dad happy again. The only way she knows how to do this though is by doing things like “getting good grades” or doing things by herself. Kind like the “look at me I can tie my shoes all by myself” sort of mentality where your personal accomplishments are supposed to make your parents happy. Ovet the next few weeks she realizes that her father isn’t getting any better, in fact he’s getting worse, he is now totally shut off from his duties as a father and now sees Sophie as a problem rather than a child. He’s completely cold towards her and whenever he comes out of his room he’s always yelling about something. In an attempt to make her dad smile again, Sophie decides to try to take out the garbage. It’s been piling up for weeks now, and she thinks if she helps out it’ll make him happy again. But she’s still young and has never actually tried to take out the garbage before. So not only does she have to take out a large pile of garbage, but she has to do so quietly or her dad will hear and yell at her for making to much noise. So, as she’s struggling trying to get the garbage out of the garbage can, the bag rips and spews garbage all over the floor. She starts to become paranoid that her father is going to come out and see the mess, and as she’s trying to figure out what to do every time she hears a creak in a floorboard, or some noise in the house she thinks her dad is coming and is freaking out. She try’s to find another bag in the kitchen but doesn’t know where they are. After checking all the cabinets she can reach she has to try the higher cabinets that are above the counter. So she pushes a chair over to the counter and kneels down on it. What she doesn’t realize is that the counter still has flower on it that was never cleaned off and when she leans a little bit her legs slide out from under her, cabinet door she was holding onto breaks off its hinges and hits her in the face, as she falls she hits her side on the side of the counter and falls to the ground and hits her head on the floor. At this point she starts wailing just out of instinct, and her dad comes and sees her inconsolable on the floor with garbage everywhere. So the tragedy in this scene to me is that Sophie is crying out to the only comfort that she has in her life to her father who is emotionally unable to take care of her anymore. So it’s kind of a moment of reckoning for her dad. Now he’s being forced to deal with this child that he has been unable to take care of, how will he handle it, and how does what he did affect Sophie as an adult?

But yeah the moment when Sophie is crying out for her dad after a very scary fall is what I’m trying to figure out what to do. Like how would I write crying or like screaming and crying? “WAH!”? What about all the little things like hyperventilating and then like weeping.

It also helps to think of it in terms of alternating positive and negative states in the plot, where the crying acts as a negative experience for the character that is bookended by positive experiences (or degrees of negative, if you want to go dark).

It’s interesting you mention this, I think I did this without realizing it. The resolution to the flashback above is bittersweet. I have that big buildup to that bad event then followed by a kind of heartwarming moment, then again followed by something negative.

Edit: I forgot to thank you for the interesting take!

[phantmoftheomsi]

That was fantastic. Strong emotional core, steady buildup of tension and an intense moment of release. The layers you describe work great and show a strong understanding of your protagonist. Good job.

As far as how to articulate the crying, I'd love to see what it is like for the sprite of Sophie to be weeping and no text or sound expressing it. Could be an opportunity for the player to transfer their own feelings onto situation because it's left open-ended. If done right, it could be a devastating moment, but in a good way.

Bottom line: With everything that already works in this scene, you have a lot of leeway for modes of expression with the crying. I wouldn't stress too much. Just pick one you like.

[Rensuka]

That was fantastic. Strong emotional core, steady buildup of tension and an intense moment of release. The layers you describe work great and show a strong understanding of your protagonist. Good job.

As far as how to articulate the crying, I'd love to see what it is like for the sprite of Sophie to be weeping and no text or sound expressing it. Could be an opportunity for the player to transfer their own feelings onto situation because it's left open-ended. If done right, it could be a devastating moment, but in a good way.

Bottom line: With everything that already works in this scene, you have a lot of leeway for modes of expression with the crying. I wouldn't stress too much. Just pick one you like.

Thank you so much! This was really helpful.