Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

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TsukiShima
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Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#1 Post by TsukiShima »

Hello everyone! As some of you may already know me, English is not my first language and my English is at the lowest level; it's understandable but not mostly 'right'.

Right now, I'm writing a scene at a train station, but I don't know what words I should use to describe some few things. So.. I guess there's a few questions: (NEW QUESTIONS) :o
- I'm not sure of what it is call, urban, village, city? The setting takes place in a place that less people live, since most have move out, but there are line for connections, small grocery shops, and every needs.
- How to describe the silentness of that place? Lonely?

Edit : I used some of the techniques I've gained and rewrite them all for the previous questions, but I'm still not sure if it's good enough. I haven't finish on telling about the train coming to the station. Can you read it and check for me if there's something missing? And how do you think I can make the first part longer? >__< That part is trying to describe Autumn, but other than the leaves, I'm not sure what other I can put.
The leaves are dancing, following the sway of the gentle wind. Red bed of leaves covering the ground, as if it was glowing. Indeed, it is a peaceful season of the year, a little chilly, but it doesn't stop the joy of a young man, who welcomes autumn openly.

The silence at the train station is as usual, and even quieter since less people are around anymore. Some with newspapers on hands, while some are busy checking their phones. A small family are having a small chit chat with one another. All of them are playing in their own mind while waiting for the next train to come. How long will that be?

The clock ticks, the hands are pointing at 7 and 10. Ah, it must 7.50 am, that means the train would be here soon.

Not long after that the rumbling noise can be heard from afar, changing the green light into red. The future passengers quickly gather their belonging as the sound gets closer and louder. Everyone stands up and gets closer to the platform, waiting for their ride to arrive.

There it is, sharp at 8 o'clock, the train arrive in time.
I'm also very sorry if you think I'm still not improving even after the facts you shared with me >___<|||

Also, if possible, can anyone tell me more about Autumn? I feel so helpless now.. (´・ω・)
Last edited by TsukiShima on Mon Dec 26, 2011 12:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#2 Post by JustAnotherMe »

I'm not (obviously) a native too. I hope this can help you somehow...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Train_noise

about the exchanges: maybe 'they come and go'?

about the condition of the 'not busy but not too quiet', maybe you mean like: leisurely? normal? er~ I don't know though...

Hope I can help? ^^;
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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#3 Post by TsukiShima »

Don't worry Jam, you're still a help!

I guess that minus 'what the sound the train does'.

I'll need to make more research for this, and thank you again, Jam!

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#4 Post by Tag- »

An approaching train noise could be described as a 'rumble'? @_@ That's all that comes into mind at the moment. Or I suppose you could the describe the approaching roar of the train, and the squeal of the brakes as it stops at the station. Something like that?

For and exchange of passengers, you could say that the old passengers left the train to make way for the new ones.

Sorry, this was all I could think of in the middle of the night xD''
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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#5 Post by vasudaprime »

I commuted to university by train for a few years, so perhaps if I describe the approach of a train (at least how I remember it) that might help you figure out how to phrase it in English?

Aside from the station announcer (usually an automated recording) telling you to keep away from the platform edge (as the next train won't be stopping), you first hear the vibrations from the tracks. As the train gets closer you'll start to hear & perhaps feel a gentle wind blowing past you. This wind (caused by the pressure wave in front of the train) gets stronger and louder as the train gets closer, and it washes over you as the train passes. The wind sounds dies off pretty quickly but the track vibrations take a few more seconds to die away. For a train that's going to stop you hear the track vibration, but the wind is a lot gentler, and it doesn't really get stronger as the train approaches (or at least no where near as much as it would if the train is going to pass). You sort of just get a gentle wind wash over you as the train passes you and comes to a stop. The track vibrations also get softer as the train slows down and stops. There's not too much braking sound, as usually the train driver applies those gently to bring the train to a gradual stop.

People at a train station don't really interact that much (perhaps aside from when the buy things from a station shop). Everyone is in their own 'bubble', either reading (a book, a newspaper, on their phone, etc), listening to music, daydreaming, or eating/drinking something. The people who commute every day (and catch the same train) will know how many carriages the train will be, so they'll know roughly where to stand on the platform so they're near a door. This means that they're likely to get onto the train before everyone else and so they'll have a chance at getting a seat. Sometimes people on the platform will favour one end of the train: If the train is going to a city and it's the last stop, then the city train station exit will likely be at the front of the platform. So people who don't want to walk much will to find a seat in the front of the train. Of course everyone else also knows this, so there'll be less seats there. So anyone wants a seat will probably try to get into the last carriage. On the return journey (i.e. going from the city to back home) people rush to the train to grab a seat as soon as it's announced from which platform it's leaving from.

As for a station that's not too crowded or empty... I have no idea how to describe that :( Even when stations are crowded you don't hear too much talking (except maybe the odd phone conversation). Most of the talking is just station announcements. Most of the 'people' noise comes from walking: so the more people, the more footstep noise.

Anyway, I hope that helps a bit :).

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#6 Post by Aileo »

The time of day I usually commute to work by train is fairly uncrowded. On the platform you can usually hear the wind through the tunnel the train comes in. You'll hear it long before you actually see it. The conversations are usually muted, but you can pick out a word or two if you are standing close by someone. Mostly there are people sitting on benches reading or listening to music while waiting for the train. At that time of day the train isn't very hard to get on, and my ride is very comfortable as I ride into the city.

I love fall, but I don't really like waiting for the train during this time. The train's platform is covered, so I can only feel the cold air. It is much more pleasant in the sun.

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#7 Post by teacup »

Hmm, I can't be of much help but one word you can use for something 'getting louder and louder' is a crescendo.
So maybe something like... "The sound of wheels turning over the tracks could be heard in the distance. The railway light turned to red to alert the people of the approaching train. They stood up as the chugging of the train crescendoed into a thunderous noise. Just as the time reached eight o'clock, the train came to a smooth stop at the station, on point as always."
It needs more sentence variation, but that's just a rough example. xD
Also, rather than just saying 'Fall has come' perhaps you should show it instead. Have you ever heard of 'show, not tell'?
One thing everyone associates with autumn is how the leaves of trees start to turn red/orange and fall from the branches. The leaves usually scatter all over the place, leaving a huge mess. Maybe the red leaves scattered over the station like smears of blood [if you want to be gruesome] or like drops of paint [if you want to be pretty]. Try using some metaphors and similes.
I hope this helped you ^^;
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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#8 Post by TsukiShima »

Ah right! 'Show, don't tell'! Thank you, I'll keep that in mind.

Thank you everyone, I'll use every one of your references and see what I might come up with. I'm sure I'll be using this topic a lot more, so for now, let me try to write it down and post an example.. later on when I can.

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#9 Post by purple_pockets »

In the case that I might offend you somehow unintentionally, please forgive me if I say something blatantly obvious. Please keep in mind that I am in no way, shape, or form fluent in any other language than English, and have little experience speaking other languages. I really appreciate how well you speak. :D

I might describe the noises a train makes as thunderous and rhythmic, but it depends on where you are. Are you at a train station? Is the train above or below ground? (If you have been to some place like New York and have ridden the subway (sometimes referred to as a train) you will know that there is a huge difference between the sounds of the two. A subway train sounds squeakier. :D
Anyways, here is how it might look in a sentence if you are talking about an above-ground train:
The train made a low, thunderous noise if you were a mile away, but up close you could hear the rhythm of each car as it passed over the tracks and the squeakiness of its many rivets.


Depending on how crowded and where the train is, you may be able to hear individual conversations here and there. If there are a lot of people, it sounds more like static on a radio, since you can't make anything out. I know English is your second language, and I certainly cannot speak your native language as well as you speak English, (whatever language it is...) but I am not quite sure what you mean by exchange, so I will just guess... Here is something that I might write about what the other passengers say to each other. Its not great, but hopefully you can get something out of it:
The other passengers on the train chatted incessantly. Sometimes one could make out a word here or there, but often one person's words would be drowned out by another's, and most of the time one can't make out much at all of what another person might be saying. The result was an ongoing murmur, resembling very much the static one gets on the radio when out of range. More than once one could pass by some people that spoke in a foreign tongue. If one listens closely, one might be able to make out a pattern, but that rarely happens.


I see now that you are describing passengers getting on and off. What I would say is come and go, enter and exit, or even switch places with each other as one gets on board and another leaves, etc.

Okay, that last one is rather easy. You could use the words sparse, meager, or sporadic if there are just a few people there. Of course, these words are better if there are a less than average number of people there. If you want to say that there are an average number of people at the station, you could say reasonable amount, half full, etc. There really isn't an English word for a middle quantity, unless I am forgetting something. :oops:

Okay, so something that might be helpful is that you could use some train noises in the background and draw some people, but I understand from others that backgrounds are difficult to do. :D
Here is what I would do:

Autumn is here.
Perhaps it is not a season that everyone looks forward to, but it is a special season for some.
Like (insert person's name here).

The sound of the train wheels on the tracks can be heard from afar.
The green light turns to red.
The few people here get up from their wooden benches as the the squeaking of the train's rusty wheels reaches a crescendo.
There it is, sharp at eight o'clock, the train slows down steadily at its station.
A few people exchange places, some hopping out onto the platform, some stepping onto the train.
Thankfully, it wasn't crowded.
I know that was really long-winded, but I hoped that I have helped you in some way, shape, or form.
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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#10 Post by demonangelz »

Fall season has come. Perhaps it is not the season that everyone is waiting for, but it is a special season for some.
>>> The season of Autumn has arrived. For some, it is another season passing by but for others, this specific time of the year holds a special place in their hearts.

And there is someone is looking forward for this season the most.
>>> There's someone who's looking forward to this season more than anyone else in the world.

The sound of the train wheels can be heard from afar, turning the green light into red. Few of the people that were waiting on the station starts to stand up as the noise the train made is getting louder and louder.
>>> The soft rumbling noises of a train's wheels echoed from afar as the lights turns from green to red. The future passengers waiting at the station slowly gather their belongings as the sound gets closer and louder.

And there it is, sharp at eight o'clock, the train made a steady stop at its station.
>>> The big clock ticks exactly eight o' clock as the train makes its steady stop at the station.

Everyone exchange places, while few get in, few get out. It wasn't crowded, thus no one had to queue or push one and another.
>>> It is a normal day, not too busy and crowded as the people arrived at their destinations and slowly got out while others went in.
(this last part sounds a bit strange to me, i couldn't think of anything else ><)

Um....this is how i would write it. Your original sentence is on top and my changes r on the bottom XP (my sentence is after the ">>>"). Hope this helps, sorry if it still sounds too short ><
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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#11 Post by MomoiroGirl »

Well, I'm not quite sure this is what you mean, but usually you'd say the sound a train maks is called 'chooing' (You know, it goes "CHOO CHOO!" XD), but I'm not quite sure that's what you meant XD

I don't think there's a word for getting on and off a train, and you don't really 'board' a train (I'm not really a native english-speaker either, but imma try to help anyway lol :P)

I'm not sure about the last one either... Maybe you could just say how many you imagine are standing there, or just stick to the 'It wasn't that crowded', that's what I imagine most would just write :/
Sry I can't be of more help, but oh well :P

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#12 Post by TsukiShima »

Thank you everyone! You all did help me a lot, I redone the sentences, I hope you won't mind reading it in the first post for me >__< Please tell me what you think and if I made some mistakes. And I hope you won't mind if I use some of yours examples, since I really like most of them, I tried my best fit it all.

Also, I'm trying to do this story from third-person point of view, that is why it's a bit hard for me because I'm really used to first-person point of view.

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Re: Can someone help me describe a certain situation?

#13 Post by LateWhiteRabbit »

My corrections are in bold, my notes are italicized in parenthesis.
The leaves are dancing, gently swaying in the wind. A bed of red leaves covers the ground, glowing in the sunlight. It is a peaceful time of year; a little chilly, but not enough to prevent the joy one young man takes in the season.

The train station is silent as usual, the noise absent with the crowds. The remaining passengers stand with newspapers in hand, while some are busy checking their phones. A family is quietly chatting with one another. All are in their own personal worlds, waiting for the next train to come. How long will that be? (Unnecessary - the reader is already thinking this because of the ending of the last sentence.)

The clock ticks, the hands now pointing at 7 and 10. Ah, it must 7.50 am,(You just told us the time, no need to repeat it.) Soon the train will arrive.

Not long after that the rumbling noise can be heard from afar, the light on the platform changing from green to red. The future (If they are waiting for the train, they are passengers already, not at some point in the future) passengers quickly gather their belonging as the sound gets closer and louder. They stand up and approach the platform, waiting for their ride to arrive.

The train appears on schedule at 8 o'clock sharp.
The main things I had to correct for were awkward word arrangements, redundant (and thus boring to your reader) information, and changing some sentences from passive to active (which is just good writing practice). Never use the word 'that' if you can help it.

Still very impressive considering English isn't your first language.

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