Izumi's Writing [would like some critique/ proofreading]

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izumichan31
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Izumi's Writing [would like some critique/ proofreading]

#1 Post by izumichan31 »

So, I've pretty much decided on the type of game I want to make and the story is actually progressing. The main plot is all thought out and outlined. Which is a lot a more than I did for my last idea. Character profiles mostly done and everything. Programming skills are good enough for everything I'm planning and art will be the last thing worked out.

I'm making a game based in a more futuristic setting set around an mmorpg(in game) where all the players end up trapped within the game for an at the moment. Undetermined amount of time. [I want to say think kind of like .hack//sign or something but not really idk] The idea has been developing itself slowly for a while now and I've finally given myself the confidence to work on it.

I haven't written in first person in a long time so I thought I'd post the first part of the main story here (this is without branching and such, just me writing it out as if it were a novel) for some crit.

The game will most likely be rated 16+ and there is a bit of language. VN / RPG.

This is around 1,200 words.

Code: Select all

The last bell of the day rings and I stand quickly. Finally I'm free to go. I have plans this afternoon. I quickly pack up my things and sling my school bag over my shoulder before heading for the classroom door. 

One of my classmates stops me before I get there.

"Hey Ian," she says with a smile. "A couple of us were going to go hang out at the café today. You wanna come?"

She should already know my answer. It's not the first time she's tried to get me to join in an afternoon outing.

I shake my head. "I've already got plans..."

She frowns and crosses her arms. "You know, there are more important things than a stupid game. You should grow up and meet some real friends. That game's not safe anyway."

I roll my eyes at her. "It's perfectly fine. It's been tested way too many times for it not to be. Besides, I doubt they'd let a game that wasn't safe go one for over year if it could hurt anyone."

She pouts. "Hmpf. Fine. Go play your silly game."

She leaves and I shake my head. It's the same thing day after day. She won't leave me alone about my gaming habits. It's not like playing a stupid game is really interfering with my life or anything. I don't isolate myself from my family. I pas all my classes. I even make time for her so she shouldn't be so worked up over it.

I push myself to stop thinking about it and head straight home to catch my game date. I get inside and wave to my parents before heading to my room and shutting the door. My bag is dumped somewhere onto the floor and I turn on my computer.

Arcadian Star. It's a fairly new online game that's become really popular over the last year and a half. It requires some really serious equipment and it cost me a couple of months allowance and a few odd jobs to get.

Though it's really popular, a lot of people still don't like it. The way the game works is to wire into the subconsciousness and senses of the players or something like that. I don't really know all the details, but all I do know is that when I play, it's like I can actually feel, smell, and taste everything in the game as well as see and hear.

Maybe it is a little dangerous, but nothing has happened to me yet and I haven't heard of anything happening to anyone else. So it's fine.

I place the game's headphones on my head and log on. I select my character and enter the game world.

Everything goes black for moment before I'm transported to the last town that I was in when I last played.

"Well, It's about time you showed up," A voice behind me says. "I was beginning to think I'd have to go questing without you."

I roll my eyes to turn to see my gaming partner standing there with his arms crossed, tapping a foot as if he's been here waiting all day. I roll my eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, don't act like you've been here long, Riandur." I say. "You've only recently just gotten off work, right?"

Riandur is my regular gaming partner. We've known each other for a while but have never met in real life. Despite that, I think we're really good friends. Not sure how we'd fair if we ever met though.

He smiles and chuckles. "How you always manage to remember my work schedule when you can hardly keep up with your own will never stop amazing me."

I laugh. "I'm just awesome like that."

He snorts and waves a hand in front of his face. "Of course you are. Now come on let's go. I've got us a quest scroll and I'm itching to use it."

He sends me a party invitation and I accept. As soon as I accept, he has me follow him to a nearby dungeon just outside the town. 

* * * * * * * * * * *
[Game play stuff goes here]
* * * * * * * * * * *

Everything goes black suddenly and I can't hear or see anything. It stays like that for a long moment and I can't help but wonder if I got logged out suddenly. But as quickly as the thought passes, I can see again only...

I'm no longer in that dungeon with Riandur. In back in town, face flat against the ground. But what happened? It had seemed like we were winning. There was no way we could have lost against enemies so weak.

I push myself up and look around. Riandur lies a few feet away from me and I go to shake him into consciousness.

His hand shoots out and hits me in the face.

"Ow!"

My face stings and in an instant I freeze up. Pain? I felt pain? There's no way that I should be able to feel the sting of that hit.

"Riandur wake the hell up right now!" 

He growls and pushes himself up. "You're really loud and annoying when you want something. You know that?"

I punch him in the arm and he flinches away.

"What was that for? And how the hell did we get back here? I am so complaining if I didn't get my loot."

So he felt it too... I stay quiet for a moment and I try to wrap my brain around what's going on. What happened in that moment when everything was dark?

I go to open my inventory when Riandur suddenly shouts.

"My stats! What happened to my fucking stats?"

It's not often that I hear Riandur swear.

"They're all reset to level 1! LEVEL FUCKING ONE!!!! All that hard work! All those quest!" He goes quiet for a moment, but everything about him says that if he could, he'd kick something. "That's it I'm out. I'll be back later or something."

I've never seen him this upset before. But I can't exactly say it's not like him since I've never met him in real life. He's never lost his cool before. It's strange. This other side of him.

I just nod and wait for him to log out. A few minute pass and his character is still standing there.

"What's wrong?" I ask. "I thought you were leaving."

"I'm trying to." He sounds frustrated.

"What do you mean by 'trying to'?"

He flops to the ground and runs a hand through his hair. "I mean I can't log out. It won't let me..."

I freeze at his words and my stomach feels like it's knotting up. We can feel pain now... And we can't log out... 

And now I'm suddenly aware that everyone around us is having the same problem. Stats reduced to nothing. Skills mostly gone. Can't log out.

I can feel my body begin to shake. No, not my body. My character's body. There's another sickening twist in my stomach. I look back at Riandur and he stares at me with a knowing look.

Fuck. Everything people said about this game was true.

And If I'm stuck in here... The what the hell if going on with me body...? I slump down to the ground next to Riandur and bury my face in my palms. This can't be happening.
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Re: Izumi's Writing [would like some critique/ proofreading]

#2 Post by Rewritten Ennui »

A similar plot bunny like this ran around my head a couple times before, so I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks a VN set in an MMORPG would be pure awesome :D I'll be keeping an eye out for your project.

Anyways, the main thing I can say about your writing thus far is that some parts are choppy and can easily be combined to make it sound smoother. There are a few typos here and there, so I'll point out the bits that stuck out to me.
The last bell of the day rings and I stand quickly. Finally I'm free to go. I have plans this afternoon. I quickly pack up my things and sling my school bag over my shoulder before heading for the classroom door.
Choppy as hell, that's all I need to say. Reword it, combine sentences, just do something to reduce the sheer amount of periods there. It was almost hard to read for me since it sounded so jilted, and this sentence structure isn't doing much to emphasize any important information. And if you ask me, this applies to the first 9 paragraphs.
I pas all my classes.
You forgot another 's' on pass.
I place the game's headphones on my head and log on. I select my character and enter the game world.
Again with the choppiness; you can combine these two easily.
I roll my eyes to turn to see my gaming partner standing there with his arms crossed, tapping a foot as if he's been here waiting all day. I roll my eyes.
Redundancy is redundant.

Pretty good overall. You should vary sentence structures more, though.
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Re: Izumi's Writing [would like some critique/ proofreading]

#3 Post by izumichan31 »

A similar plot bunny like this ran around my head a couple times before, so I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks a VN set in an MMORPG would be pure awesome :D I'll be keeping an eye out for your project.
Oh really XD. I didn't know someone else thought of this idea also :3 It's nice to know ^^
Choppy as hell, that's all I need to say. Reword it, combine sentences, just do something to reduce the sheer amount of periods there. It was almost hard to read for me since it sounded so jilted, and this sentence structure isn't doing much to emphasize any important information. And if you ask me, this applies to the first 9 paragraphs.
Ah, okay. I'll look into that. Honestly, at the moment I'm not sure if those first 9 will make it into the game after reading over it again and really thinking about it.
You forgot another 's' on pass.
Yeah, my keyboard sticks and I have letters missing on my keyboard... I always try to catch my typos but I always end up missing some :\
Redundancy is redundant.

Pretty good overall. You should vary sentence structures more, though.
That was a lot of fail on my part :\ I didn't even realize I did that. Thank you for pointing it out. I'll be sure to work on varying my sentences.
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Re: Izumi's Writing [would like some critique/ proofreading]

#4 Post by purple_pockets »

That was amazing. I can feel the frustration that your main character and Riandur feels when they cannot log out. Really authentic feel, and I love the premise.

The beginning was a little slow and I am not quite sure why that girl is so concerned about what your main character is doing. Are they dating? Were they once close friends? As Rewritten Ennui said, the first paragraph was way to choppy, and the whole part about the school almost seemed irrelevant and was a bit of a deterrent. I almost didn't want to finish reading it, which would have been a big shame. :wink:
Other than that, it was great! I can't wait to see what else you write!
A teenager's favorite phrase:
No sé y no me importa.
Translation: I don't know and I don't care

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