Pieces of writing. Critiques are welcome.

[Meinos Kaen]

So, I thought I'd follow the example and let the you guys in the forums foam at the mouth at the writing skills of yours truly.

This first one is a small piece where I'd really like some critique since I don't know if the way I wrote conveyed successfully what I wanted it to convey.

The crackling fire breaks the silence of the night. Utter complete silence. A normal person would think it normal but that's just because they can't see it. They can't hear it. And they sure can't smell it. Even at night, the world is alive. Even a grassy hill like the one we're camping on. Alive with small animals, insects, plants. Even subdued, intimidated by our presence, I can hear them whispering. That's one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... Situation.
I still call it situation. I still refer to humans as other people, wishing deep down that I still lived among them. Now more than ever, I guess.
Still, when I focus on what my senses tell me, on what I can perceive when I accept myself, even partly, the thought of going back to being normal makes me shudder and gag. It would be like sentencing a human to wear blindfolds, ear and nose plugs for the rest of his life, to burn off the very nerves that made him able to sense and let him live with the knowledge of what he'd lost. That he would never eat ice-cream, hear Bohemian Rhapsody or see Star Wars ever again.

God, I'd rather be dead.

[Old Hero]

It sounds like a rough translation of a foreign language. It's pretty descriptive, but also kinds of contradicts itself at some lines.
In general it's good, but the story needs more tweeking and adjustment. More writing would increase the amount of feedback.

[LateWhiteRabbit]

So, I thought I'd follow the example and let the you guys in the forums foam at the mouth at the writing skills of yours truly.

This first one is a small piece where I'd really like some critique since I don't know if the way I wrote conveyed successfully what I wanted it to convey.

The crackling fire breaks the silence of the night. Utter complete silence. A normal person would think it normal but that's just because they can't see it. They can't hear it. And they sure can't smell it. Even at night, the world is alive. Even a grassy hill like the one we're camping on. Alive with small animals, insects, plants. Even subdued, intimidated by our presence, I can hear them whispering. That's one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... Situation.
I still call it situation. I still refer to humans as other people, wishing deep down that I still lived among them. Now more than ever, I guess.
Still, when I focus on what my senses tell me, on what I can perceive when I accept myself, even partly, the thought of going back to being normal makes me shudder and gag. It would be like sentencing a human to wear blindfolds, ear and nose plugs for the rest of his life, to burn off the very nerves that made him able to sense and let him live with the knowledge of what he'd lost. That he would never eat ice-cream, hear Bohemian Rhapsody or see Star Wars ever again.

God, I'd rather be dead.

Not bad, but is rather verbose, and there are sections that seem out of order and break the flow. Some ambiguous pronouns and confusing word choices. Some mild punctuation errors. What follows is a more detailed break down and suggested possible changes. Changes will be in bold, notes in italics within parentheses.

The crackling fire breaks the silence of the night. Utter complete silence. (You've just told us something has broken the silence, then immediately in the next sentence you say there is utter and complete silence. It causes the reader to stumble and hurts the flow. You might try something like what follows instead.) The night is utterly and completely silent save for the crackling of the fire. A normal person would think it normal but that's just because they can't see it. (You've just been writing of an auditory detail that is out of place, yet you say normal people won't SEE it. I get that you may be using the colloquial definition of 'see', but saying a person can't see a sound is bad. Again, it is a stumbling block to a reader. Plus, using the same word twice in the same sentence is bad - 'normal'.) They can't hear it. And they sure can't smell it. Even at night, the world is alive. Even a grassy hill like the one we're camping on. Alive with small animals, insects, plants. Even subdued, intimidated by our presence, I can hear them ('Them' is ambiguous here. If you mean the small animals, insects, and plants, try substituting 'nature' instead.) whispering. That's (Again, 'that's' is ambiguous. Substitute 'listening' to be more clear.) one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... Situation.

I still call it situation. (You capitalized 'Situation' in the previous sentence, but not here. Consistency needs to be maintained. If this sentence is meant as a general statement, it would be more clear to phrase it like follows - note the use of the quotation marks for proper punctuation.) I still call it a 'situation'. I still refer to humans as other people, wishing deep down that I still lived among them. (A lot of uses of 'I still' in a very short period of time. Try combining it with the previous sentence and cutting some of the verbosity out.) I still call it a 'situation' and refer to humans as other people, but I can't live among them anymore. I miss it. Now more than ever. I guess. ('I guess' is weak, and adds nothing. Either our narrator is sure that he misses living among people 'now more than ever' or he isn't.)

Still, However, when I focus on what my senses tell me, on what I can perceive when I accept myself, even partly, the thought of going back to being normal makes me shudder. and gag. ('and gag' adds nothing and is an odd reaction and visual for someone sitting beside a fire listening to nature.) It would be like sentencing a human to wear blindfolds, ear and nose plugs for the rest of his life, to burn off the very nerves that made him able to sense and let him live with the knowledge of what he'd lost. That he would never eat ice-cream, hear Bohemian Rhapsody or see Star Wars ever again. (This whole sentence is a little awkward, and oddly out of tone with the previous writing. The reference to specific items and specific titles of pop culture is also jarring, and hampers a reader's ability to empathize with this theoretic person. What if they don't like ice cream, Bohemian Rhapsody, or Star Wars? Try something like this instead.) It would be like a man made blind, deprived of senses for the rest of his life. A man cursed with the knowledge he would never again taste a delicious flavor, hear the melodies of a song, or see a great work of art.

God, I'd rather be dead.



A general word of writing advice - avoid the word 'that' when at all possible. Rewriting a sentence to avoid using the word almost always makes for a better sentence.

Werewolf protagonist?

[Meinos Kaen]

A general word of writing advice - avoid the word 'that' when at all possible. Rewriting a sentence to avoid using the word almost always makes for a better sentence.

Werewolf protagonist?

A minute, writing that down... Hey, that passed through? Good. Yeah. I'm writing something based on the NWoD lore. Ok, rewrote most as suggested except for this, because it's not that he doesn't live among humans anymore. For WoD WWs is complicated.

I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as other people, probably wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

[LateWhiteRabbit]

A general word of writing advice - avoid the word 'that' when at all possible. Rewriting a sentence to avoid using the word almost always makes for a better sentence.

Werewolf protagonist?

A minute, writing that down... Hey, that passed through? Good. Yeah. I'm writing something based on the NWoD lore. Ok, rewrote most as suggested except for this, because it's not that he doesn't live among humans anymore. For WoD WWs is complicated.

I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as other people, probably wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

I'll take that you're writing that down as a sign that you now understand that 'that' is never that great a word to use.

Ah, NWoD, huh? I've never followed it much since old WoD ended. I actually was taught game design by one of the lead designers of the original Vampire the Masquerade. He was rather peeved at some of the things being done with the property as it went on, but he's back at White Wolf now, so he could be involved with the NWoD design.

[Meinos Kaen]

A general word of writing advice - avoid the word 'that' when at all possible. Rewriting a sentence to avoid using the word almost always makes for a better sentence.

Werewolf protagonist?

A minute, writing that down... Hey, that passed through? Good. Yeah. I'm writing something based on the NWoD lore. Ok, rewrote most as suggested except for this, because it's not that he doesn't live among humans anymore. For WoD WWs is complicated.

I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as other people, probably wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

I'll take that you're writing that down as a sign that you now understand that 'that' is never that great a word to use.

Ah, NWoD, huh? I've never followed it much since old WoD ended. I actually was taught game design by one of the lead designers of the original Vampire the Masquerade. He was rather peeved at some of the things being done with the property as it went on, but he's back at White Wolf now, so he could be involved with the NWoD design.

Yeah, that is bad. Wow, really? Well, I agree with him on Vampire. If the new game system avoids having to use buckets of d6, the old Vampire Lore was much better. Thank Whitewolf for the anniversary edition.

Still, what I'm really in love with is Forsaken lore. I haven't played the oWoD version of Werewolf, so I don't know much about it, but I adore the nWoD version. If you ever see him again, compliments on my part.

Also, a question since you mentioned punctuation. I usually write a sentence as one (well, I) would speak it, putting commas and full stops in place of shorter or longer pauses or changes of tone. That wrong?

[LateWhiteRabbit]

Yeah, that is bad. Wow, really? Well, I agree with him on Vampire. If the new game system avoids having to use buckets of d6, the old Vampire Lore was much better. Thank Whitewolf for the anniversary edition.

Still, what I'm really in love with is Forsaken lore. I haven't played the oWoD version of Werewolf, so I don't know much about it, but I adore the nWoD version. If you ever see him again, compliments on my part.

I still run into him occasionally. Yeah, I was lucky to have him as a teacher. I had months of nearly one on one time with him every day. When he introduced himself and what he had done previously I was shocked. When I got home I dug out my old VtM books and looked at the credits page and went, "Holy $&#^!" It's true! He's a big history buff, part of what made the old Vampire lore so good.

What I loved most about old WoD was how insanely unfair and unbalanced it could all be. No concern for playing nice with everybody. A Werewolf could kill whole groups of vampires, and a human character was living (very temporarily) in a truly crapsack world.

Also, a question since you mentioned punctuation. I usually write a sentence as one (well, I) would speak it, putting commas and full stops in place of shorter or longer pauses or changes of tone. That wrong?

Not necessarily. It's hard to give a blanket statement on such rules. Just avoid seemingly never ending sentences and use proper punctuation. Know when to use a comma, semi-colon, hyphen, or ellipses. Also be aware the pace of writing is defined by such sentence structures and can influence the tone and feeling of a work. For instance noir-style is more likely to use short and hard sentences with a clear concise thought contained in each one.

An old man dies. A little girl lives. A fair trade.

It creates the impression of a stream of consciousness and emphasizes each element much more than framing them all together would have.

It's a fair trade when an old man dies so a little girl can live.

Both say the same thing, but the first forces the reader to acknowledge, take in, and understand each element separately, thus increasing the 'punch' of each part.

This kind of thing becomes an issue of gut instincts and practice and is hard or impossible to teach. You've just got to be able to recognize what works and what doesn't and what sounds best.

[Meinos Kaen]

This kind of thing becomes an issue of gut instincts and practice and is hard or impossible to teach. You've just got to be able to recognize what works and what doesn't and what sounds best.

Hmm... Got it. Ok, here's the whole paragraph. It acts as a small introduction, basically. To catch the reader and get him to go further. It would go awesome on a back cover, I think.

The night is utterly and completely silent except for the crackling of the fire. A normal person would think it normal. They can't hear it. They can't see it. And they sure can't smell it. Even at night, the world is alive. Even a grassy hill like the one we're camping on. Alive with small animals, insects, plants. Even subdued, intimidated by our presence, I can hear nature whispering. Listening on it is one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... Situation.
I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as other people, probably wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

However, when I focus on what my senses tell me, on what I can perceive when I accept myself, even partly, the thought of going back to being normal makes me shudder. It would be like a man made blind, deprived of senses for the rest of his life. A man cursed with the knowledge he would never again taste a delicious flavor, hear the melodies of a song, or see a great work of art.

Amahan Iduth, I'd rather be dead.

It's been two years since my first change. In this small arc of time I've experienced things that make up for a human lifetime of excitement. Others have made me wary of people with poor dental. Sometimes I wish I could forget. Go back to before. I know that's impossible. I'm no longer flesh only.

I am Farsil Ulah. Uratha. Forsaken.

My name is Sam Gennaro. This is the story of my pack.

Edit: I'm a bit uncertain about the 'poor dental' part. What I about I substitute it with 'flickering lights'?

[LateWhiteRabbit]

A normal person would think it normal.

This sentence is awful. It is awfully close to "normal is normal". And I have to ask, what IS unnormal about a quiet night where animals and insects are faintly heard? Ask any one who has camped or lived outside for extended periods of time and they'll tell you that when everything IS totally silent is when alarm bells go off. I know you are trying to emphasis the heightened senses of the protagonist, but this sentence isn't doing the job.

Listening on it is one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... Situation.

Listening on it? On what? The hill? Not only is the opening of this sentence awkward, but it so unclear readers will have to go back two sentences to guess at what you're talking about. I know I had to, and this is the second time I've read a version of this paragraph.

I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as other people, probably wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

There's "probably" again. It is weak and wishy-washy. Again, the protagonist KNOWS whether he wishes deep down for this or not. Saying "probably" makes him sound ridiculous. I'll illustrate with other sentences structured just like you have this one.

"I probably wish she'd go out with me."
"I probably wish I'll get an A in the class."

Awful, aren't they? If someone was speaking ABOUT your protagonist to someone else they might say "he probably wishes", but NO ONE in first person should say they "probably wish". Because they know what they want or don't want.

Amahan Iduth, I'd rather be dead.

I know you are substituting Amahan Iduth for "God" here, but it would be more clear to new readers that your character is swearing if you phrased it, "I swear by Amahan Iduth, I'd rather be dead." Or simply say, "I'd rather be dead" for more punch, and leave world-building until further into the story.

It's been two years since my first change. In this small arc of time I've experienced things that make up for a human lifetime of excitement. Others have made me wary of people with poor dental. Sometimes I wish I could forget. Go back to before. I know that's impossible. I'm no longer flesh only.

Edit: I'm a bit uncertain about the 'poor dental' part. What I about I substitute it with 'flickering lights'?

So, so awkward. I'll get the easy stuff out of the first.

"Arc of time" doesn't work. You want to use "span of time" or "passage of time". "I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime of the mundane." also works much better.

"Others have made me wary of people with poor dental." You SHOULD be uncertain about this bit. It makes no sense. "Dental" is an adjective, not a noun. Not only that, but this sentence doesn't seem to fit with the sentence before or after it. It is a separate thought, and separate thoughts get their own paragraphs. And it makes no more sense to say, "Others have made me wary of people with flickering lights." Even "Others have made me wary of flickering lights" doesn't work. There is no elaboration.

"I'm no longer flesh only" is very awkward and poorly phrased. "Now I'm more than simple flesh." That works much better.

[Meinos Kaen]

"Others have made me wary of people with poor dental." You SHOULD be uncertain about this bit. It makes no sense. "Dental" is an adjective, not a noun. Not only that, but this sentence doesn't seem to fit with the sentence before or after it. It is a separate thought, and separate thoughts get their own paragraphs. And it makes no more sense to say, "Others have made me wary of people with flickering lights." Even "Others have made me wary of flickering lights" doesn't work. There is no elaboration.

"I'm no longer flesh only" is very awkward and poorly phrased. "Now I'm more than simple flesh." That works much better.

Hmm... *goes through everything again* Alright. Here's the most recent modifications.

Even at night, the world is alive. Even a grassy hill like the one we're camping on. Alive with small animals, insects, plants and the crackling of the fire. Even subdued, intimidated by our presence, I can hear nature whispering. Focusing on my surroundings is one of the most calming things that I've learned to do for my... situation.
I still call it a 'situation', refer to humans as equals, wishing deep down to be just one of the many again. Now more than ever.

I cut off the original introduction and focused more on the part that followed. I think it makes more of an effect. Also, I substituted 'other people' with 'equals'.

However, when I focus on what my senses tell me, on what I can perceive when I accept myself, even partly, the thought of going back to being normal makes me shudder. It would be like a man made blind, deprived of senses for the rest of his life. A man cursed with the knowledge he would never again taste a delicious food, hear the melodies of a song, or see a great work of art.

I'd rather be dead.

I removed the name in the ancient tongue, as suggested. Also, overall, I substituted some of the more higher-tier words with more common-use ones, since they sounded slightly off in my character's mouth.

It's been two years since my first change. In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime but I've also uncovered hidden secrets, terrible truths.
A flickering light isn't the sign of an electrical failure. Creaking in an old house is due to something with weight. Parent and child alike are careless in not being afraid of the dark.

I added in here, substituting the dental/flickering thing with more sentences. I think it drives the point across much better than before.

Sometimes I wish I could forget. Go back to before. I know that's impossible. Now I'm more than simple flesh.

I am Farsil Ulah. Uratha. Forsaken.

My name is Sam Gennaro. This is the story of my pack.

No changes here.

[LateWhiteRabbit]

It's been two years since my first change. In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime but I've also uncovered hidden secrets, terrible truths.
A flickering light isn't the sign of an electrical failure. Creaking in an old house is due to something with weight. Parent and child alike are careless in not being afraid of the dark.

Punctuation correction:
"In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime, but I've also uncovered hidden secrets and terrible truths."

You missed a necessary comma after 'lifetime', and you should always end a list of items with an 'and' before the last item.

Some slight change suggestions to the last two sentences to make them flow better:
"Creaking in an old house isn't benign."

"Children are right to be afraid of the dark."
Because children ARE afraid of the dark. Parents no, children yes.

Overall it is much better. It was a good idea to drop the old introduction, and everything reads much more clearly now.

[Meinos Kaen]

It's been two years since my first change. In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime but I've also uncovered hidden secrets, terrible truths.
A flickering light isn't the sign of an electrical failure. Creaking in an old house is due to something with weight. Parent and child alike are careless in not being afraid of the dark.

Punctuation correction:
"In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime, but I've also uncovered hidden secrets and terrible truths."

You missed a necessary comma after 'lifetime', and you should always end a list of items with an 'and' before the last item.

Some slight change suggestions to the last two sentences to make them flow better:
"Creaking in an old house isn't benign."

"Children are right to be afraid of the dark."
Because children ARE afraid of the dark. Parents no, children yes.

Overall it is much better. It was a good idea to drop the old introduction, and everything reads much more clearly now.

Parents should. Ah, then I can put commas after conjuctions like but? Good to know. Reaaally good to know. Hmm... Benign sounds too high tier... What about 'is never good news'?

[LateWhiteRabbit]

Parents should. Ah, then I can put commas after conjuctions like but? Good to know. Reaaally good to know. Hmm... Benign sounds too high tier... What about 'is never good news'?

Too banal.
"Creaking in an old house is never good news." It lacks all the gravity and drama of the rest of the writing. Way too casual. It makes it sound like your narrator is just chatting with buddies, not starting a story about the dark things of the world.

[Auro-Cyanide]

It's been two years since my first change. In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime but I've also uncovered hidden secrets, terrible truths.
A flickering light isn't the sign of an electrical failure. Creaking in an old house is due to something with weight. Parent and child alike are careless in not being afraid of the dark.

Punctuation correction:
"In this small span of time I've experienced more excitement than can be found in a lifetime, but I've also uncovered hidden secrets and terrible truths."

You missed a necessary comma after 'lifetime', and you should always end a list of items with an 'and' before the last item.

Some slight change suggestions to the last two sentences to make them flow better:
"Creaking in an old house isn't benign."

"Children are right to be afraid of the dark."
Because children ARE afraid of the dark. Parents no, children yes.

Overall it is much better. It was a good idea to drop the old introduction, and everything reads much more clearly now.

Parents should. Ah, then I can put commas after conjuctions like but? Good to know. Reaaally good to know. Hmm... Benign sounds too high tier... What about 'is never good news'?

*Feel free to ignore me, I don't write often* Um, how about 'Creaking in an old house betrays that which is hidden in shadows.'? Or maybe some variation that avoid, well 'that'. I don't know if that over does the whole darkness thing though ^_^'

[Meinos Kaen]

Too banal.
"Creaking in an old house is never good news." It lacks all the gravity and drama of the rest of the writing. Way too casual. It makes it sound like your narrator is just chatting with buddies, not starting a story about the dark things of the world.

Good point. Hmm... I guess that's another sentence to scratch. What about 'Doors are chained to keep something locked up.'

*Feel free to ignore me, I don't write often* Um, how about 'Creaking in an old house betrays that which is hidden in shadows.'? Or maybe some variation that avoid, well 'that'. I don't know if that over does the whole darkness think though ^_^'

Hmm... Sounds good but may a little too... I don't know... There's something about it...