My Floating Idea

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Nightydreams
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My Floating Idea

#1 Post by Nightydreams » Tue Jan 10, 2012 6:44 am

I've just recently come upon an plot idea and have gotton to writing a few lines to see how it fleshes out. If you could take some time to read it and give some feedback I would be very grateful *bow*
The idea behind this is the relationship between a Pianist and her close friend who knows nothing about music.

The basic premise is that the concert pianist suffering an accident and losing the ability to control one of her arms meaning she can no longer play and how her friend deals with this as they both suffer together.
Here is a sample from the pianist's view. in the hospital.

Code: Select all

It smells...

It smells bad...

I remember it...

Everytime he came back from work he smelled just like this.

This strong smell of antiseptic...

The stench of someone trying to hard to mask the ugly truth.

I thought I was done with this place...

I thought I was done with these white wash walls and these grey curtains. That detestable ceiling with a thousand pin prick holes.

These fake smiles and all those 'Maybes' and 'very soons'.

But here I am again...

There's someone out there laughing at my misfortune, I know it.

And I can't even bring myself to hate them for it.

"Pianist"
"I refuse to open my eyes"

I whisper in defiance to whoever it is that is laughing.

I refuse to see those white wash walls and the grey curtains and that ceiling with a thousand pin prick holes.

Thats right! I refuse!

"Pianist"
"I won't let you take it away!"

I shout out into an empty room.

I hear my voice echo...

In a room too small to fit two beds in, that only has two chairs to compensate.

"Pianist"
"I won't let you take my arm away too..." 

My voice begins to fail me as my last words barely make it out of my mouth...

...

......

.........

I slowly begin to realise my own foolishness.

I grudgingly open my eyes,

The light is so bright...

I curse these walls, and these curtains, and that ceiling with the thousand pin prick holes...

My cheeks begin to grow wet and warm as the light begins to diminish.

the more bearable the light gets, the wetter and warmer my cheeks get.

It suddenly crosses my mind that I might be crying.

So I tell myself to stop. Many times.

"Pianist"
"Crying is for people who still have something to live for."
Here is another extract where the Pianist comes home to find promises were not kept.

Code: Select all

I'm greeted by the farmiliar smell of home as soon as I open the door.

I honestly can't say it feels good

But it is a huge improvement over the hospital room.

Without further ado I dump my bag into a corner and make myself at home.

Obviously.

------------Scene Change Living Room-----------

It looks exactly like I left it.

...

so (Friend) really did keep the place clean.

I seriously doubted whether he would, with his absent mindedness I was sure he would forget.

But just to make sure...

I swipe my finger across the kitchen table with lightning speed!

Which turns out to be a bad idea as I suddenly and violently sneeze.

Theres dust everywhere...

As I inspect the room closer I notice that all the surfaces have a fine layer of dust on them.

Even the Piano...

"Pianist"
"..."

I remember vividly that (Friend) promised to keep this place clean while I was gone.

In the hopes of solidifying his treachery I glance at the calender.

23rd Of June...

I told him I was getting out on the 24th...

...

......

.........

"Pianist"
"I'll give him the full punishment course

And if the rest of the house is like this I'll force him to clean up everything for the next week too.

That'll show him to be lazy while I'm gone.

My body suddenly has the urge to bathe in warm water.

Which is a reasonable demand now that I think about it.

So I decide run a bath and mull over how to punish (Friend) when he gets back...
In this extract the Friend watches as the Pianist tries and fails to play piano after her accident.

Code: Select all

"Friend"
"(Pianist) please... there's no... really you don't have to..."

She ignores me and flips the lid open anyways.

Her face is a hard to read.

I can't tell what she's thinking.

Is she scared?

She raises both of her arms, her left arm moves up sporadically, taking an age to reach the keys.

Her right arm is smoother, graceful even. It reaches the keys far quicker than the other and rests casually upon them.

"Friend"
"(Pianist)..."

Once again she ignores me. 

A great uneasiness wells up deep inside me.

I want to grab her and shake her and throw her away from the piano.

I want to smash it to splinters before it can hurt her.

Because it's going to hurt her.

It's already hurting her.

*plink*

a soft melody begins to flow from the piano. her left arm still waiting to do it's part.

I watch in silence, my apprehension grows as she keeps going.

Finally she lets her left arm begin.

*donk*

...

*pon*...*bam*...*brrrriiinnngggg*

Her left arm refuses to move properly, it smashes into the keys, rips across them and pushes them all down.

This cacaphony of noise goes on as her right arm keeps going with the melody.

The soft sound of the piano... Is drowned out by the hard noise of pain.

I grimace, both inside and outside and wonder how it is she can keep going.

It hurts so much...

It hurts me so much that I can't imagine why she can stand it.

Then I realise what that emotion on her face really is.

It's hate.

She hates it.

She hates the noise, she hates the sound, she hates herself and she hates the piano...

I can even feel the hate extend to me...

She hates it so much she can't stop.

her mouth moves, it reshapes itself into a smile...

a sinister smile.

the noise continues, she smiles.

the noise gets louder, she raises her head up and opens her mouth.

"Pianist"
"hmhmhmhm..."

Is she...?

"Pianist"
"hahahahaha..."

Laughing?

"Pianist" 
"Hahahahaha!"

I can't take it anymore.

I rush forward and grip both her arms with my hands. The noise stops.

All that's left is this hate... and a growing sadness.

She doesn't resist but keeps laughing...

"Pianist"
"HAHAHAHA!!"

... And I keep hurting...

"Friend"
"(Pianist)..."

Her laughing slowly quiets into giggles... then into sniffs...

Before it falls into sobs.

I loosen my grip on her. I see her body become slack and she crumples across the piano,

*Thump*

I stand there, I can't find any words.

I can't think of anything to do.

As her sobbing becomes wails of pain.

And her tears roll down.

I can only lean in and hold her in my arms...

Her body shaking as I embrace her.

We stay like that...

As she continues to cry...

And I contemplate.

Just how broken we really are...
Last edited by Nightydreams on Wed Jan 11, 2012 4:31 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: My Floating Idea

#2 Post by redeyesblackpanda » Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:16 pm

Hm... This reminds me a lot of Brass Restoration.
In it, the protagonist, a drummer, loses his arm and has to deal with not being able to play music. He gets depressed in a pretty similar fashion.
Anyway, I like your usage of stream of consciousness. It seems very natural. :mrgreen:
I'll probably be interested in whatever else you write up. :D
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Re: My Floating Idea

#3 Post by Nightydreams » Tue Jan 10, 2012 10:25 pm

redeyesblackpanda wrote:Hm... This reminds me a lot of Brass Restoration.
In it, the protagonist, a drummer, loses his arm and has to deal with not being able to play music. He gets depressed in a pretty similar fashion.
Anyway, I like your usage of stream of consciousness. It seems very natural. :mrgreen:
I'll probably be interested in whatever else you write up. :D
Ah, this Visual Novel looks interesting, I will give it a read.

I hope I don't dissapoint you in the future.
I believe that a man should not go back on his decisions,
But here I am deciding to break that one rule of manliness.
Because I would rather be thought less of as a man,
Then be lost as a person.

-Alexander. Infinity Ocean
Attachment and Love, is Attachment and Love, regardless of time, space or circumstance.
- Terro, The Saddest Music In The World

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Re: My Floating Idea

#4 Post by Nightydreams » Wed Jan 11, 2012 3:46 am

Updated opening post with another extract.

Also I've decided that If I actually ever start this project I will call it

"The Saddest Music In The World"
I believe that a man should not go back on his decisions,
But here I am deciding to break that one rule of manliness.
Because I would rather be thought less of as a man,
Then be lost as a person.

-Alexander. Infinity Ocean
Attachment and Love, is Attachment and Love, regardless of time, space or circumstance.
- Terro, The Saddest Music In The World

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Re: My Floating Idea

#5 Post by Taleweaver » Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:25 am

I'm not that much into "melancholy scenes"; I think they're overdone and tend to sound as though the narrator is a whiny, unlikable person who is suffering more from First World Problems than anything else. This has little to do with your writing, I just don't think these scenes can give a good overview of your capabilities as a writer.

Your vocabulary and use of stylistic devices is certainly above average, that much is easy to see. I can imagine you as quite a capable writer for emotive fiction with plenty of focus on characters and their relations. As a plot writer, you might be less original than you believe. But that's not much of a flaw; some of the best and most immersive writers I know are mediocre at constructing plots.

Write something normal. Something everyday. Maybe a scene with two people at the breakfast table, the protagonist trying to start a conversation with the other person who somehow seems lost in thought, and the protagonist wondering, maybe speculating, what could be the reason but without falling into some kind of depression over it. That I'd like to read from you.

One thing I would give you as a recommendation: drop the habit of "one sentence per line". To me, that's one of the major annoyances of most VNs: the inane amount of clicking/space bar pressing because the writer thought it would be a good idea to constantly write only one sentence per click. It makes sense if used as a stylistic device, if you want to draw attention to one specific phrase or one certain kind of mood. But really, there is no reason not to write entire (short) paragraphs, even in a VN. (Unless you're paid per click...)
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Re: My Floating Idea

#6 Post by Nightydreams » Wed Jan 11, 2012 6:34 am

Taleweaver wrote:I'm not that much into "melancholy scenes"; I think they're overdone and tend to sound as though the narrator is a whiny, unlikable person who is suffering more from First World Problems than anything else. This has little to do with your writing, I just don't think these scenes can give a good overview of your capabilities as a writer.

Your vocabulary and use of stylistic devices is certainly above average, that much is easy to see. I can imagine you as quite a capable writer for emotive fiction with plenty of focus on characters and their relations. As a plot writer, you might be less original than you believe. But that's not much of a flaw; some of the best and most immersive writers I know are mediocre at constructing plots.

Write something normal. Something everyday. Maybe a scene with two people at the breakfast table, the protagonist trying to start a conversation with the other person who somehow seems lost in thought, and the protagonist wondering, maybe speculating, what could be the reason but without falling into some kind of depression over it. That I'd like to read from you.

One thing I would give you as a recommendation: drop the habit of "one sentence per line". To me, that's one of the major annoyances of most VNs: the inane amount of clicking/space bar pressing because the writer thought it would be a good idea to constantly write only one sentence per click. It makes sense if used as a stylistic device, if you want to draw attention to one specific phrase or one certain kind of mood. But really, there is no reason not to write entire (short) paragraphs, even in a VN. (Unless you're paid per click...)
Alright! Thanks for the advice Taleweaver,

I've been trying write a far more 'Normal' scene and hope that it comes out alright.

Honeslty in terms of plot generation I'd agree I am not very good at it, I guess you'd be the first to understand that good ideas don't come in truck loads very often.

Also I'll try to put more meat into my sentences and see how that comes out. I would LOVE to be paid per click but I don't imagine many people would be willing to have a pay plan like that ^.^
I believe that a man should not go back on his decisions,
But here I am deciding to break that one rule of manliness.
Because I would rather be thought less of as a man,
Then be lost as a person.

-Alexander. Infinity Ocean
Attachment and Love, is Attachment and Love, regardless of time, space or circumstance.
- Terro, The Saddest Music In The World

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Re: My Floating Idea

#7 Post by Taleweaver » Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:04 am

Nightydreams wrote:Also I'll try to put more meat into my sentences and see how that comes out.
Don't get me wrong here. Don't overload a perfectly good sentence with too much flowery expressions. Just write paragraphs instead of single, individual sentences, or at least, if you're writing for a VN, format your sentences as short paragraphs.

Unless you want something to stand out.

See what I did there? By giving one sentence a single line, I've already put emphasis on it. That's how it should be used in a VN. If you do it all the time, you're only annoying your readers.
Scriptwriter and producer of Metropolitan Blues
Creator of The Loyal Kinsman
Scriptwriter and director of Daemonophilia
Scriptwriter and director of The Dreaming
Scriptwriter of Zenith Chronicles
Scriptwriter and director of The Thirteenth Year
Scriptwriter and director of Romance is Dead
Scriptwriter and producer of Adrift
More about me in my blog
"Adrift - Like Ever17, but without the Deus Ex Machina" - HigurashiKira

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Re: My Floating Idea

#8 Post by Silvere » Wed Jan 11, 2012 7:28 pm

*Signs Taleweaver*

Especially the thing about one-liners.
If this would be a VN I most likely would have dropped it after .. 30 sentences? While it´s horrible enough for a scene to never end 'cause there is one sentence following another and the plot won't go... It's tha blank horror if there is coming one sentence per click.
It's tiring as hell. Keep such things to add something for more dramatic/special scenes. It helps giving them a better "impact" =D

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