JustAnother Concept/Story Thread

[JustAPasserBy]

So yeah, I'm fairly new to VN development scene and just like any other, critique/suggestion/cheer thread I'll be making my own hoping to inspire creators to make my story "walk". I hope you guys go easy on me as I'm not that experienced into writing some intricate plotlines that would make you ponder to kingdom come but I'll do my best to try and make my readers to go, "Nice story, a continuation would be awesome." or "Not too shabby." at the very least.


So the setting would be post-apocalyptic with the Earth just suffering from wars and whatnot. There are events that happened in the past that is unknown but I will try my best to keep the detail of it minimal so that the readers wouldn't ask questions about it. The protagonist is a girl >.< well actually 3 girls. If given the chance to "walk", after you finish the game, you would be given the chance to pick another girl's story and everything would be in her specified point of view with added elements and all the bells and whistles. I'll post some excerpts in a little while but I guess I should give you guys a rough idea on what I'm doing.

Feel free to comment, it keeps the engine running :]

[gekiganwing]

I'm not sure what you're trying to make. It sounds like your game will be three stories about three women. In other words, are you trying to write a Rashomon style story which presents a variety of perspectives on an event?

[JustAPasserBy]

I'm not sure what you're trying to make. It sounds like your game will be three stories about three women. In other words, are you trying to write a Rashomon style story which presents a variety of perspectives on an event?

Hmm it is something like that but it revolves around a bigger plot. Something like Amagami SS where a heroine has her own story to tell.

[JustAPasserBy]

So here's an excerpt as I promised. It's supposedly the start of the heroine you'll choose after the common route

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It was something I could never grasp. I catch my breath, drop my face to the ground and shout into the mountains but I never found peace. I knew all of this was worthless but I felt somehow, I could snatch a second of him and to hear his voice again.

Or at least call him a flaming idiot.

I was trapped in time. I curled myself on the floor with shackles embracing every fiber of what I am. 

"Maybe he thinks I'm dead."

My mind was pierced with dread. Memories came teeming like a broken video player that I can't turn off. I shout at the walls that held me but it only responded with my own foolishness. Time didn't matter anymore my tears have ran out from too much crying. I only desired death.

But a light overshadowed the darkness that held me. I tried to stand up but the shackles held my feet close.
A growing feeling slowly made its way to my heart. My hands wanted to feel that warmth and no shackles was going to stop me.

"If I can't walk then I'll crawl."

Like something out of a movie, I made my way towards it. The ground felt dead but my heart fought it with its beating. I stretched my hands. I wanted the light to at least touch my fingertips but it didn't do that. 

The light pulled me to itself. The shackles broke and the darkness became nothing more than my shadow. Suddenly I realized the light was a person. His warmth made my tears flow once more but I wanted to make sure. I reached my hand out to him and I called his name.

"Yuu."

It was not clear if it was him but I had nothing else left. The light didn't respond but instead, it became brighter. My eyes struggled to see and out of it. I saw something that pierced my heart. A smile. It was a smile, no mistake even for a split of a second, I knew it was a smile and it was something I recognized

Euphoria filled my soul. It took him long but he finally came. Tears fall in my eyes and strength started to leave my body. My senses were blurring and my thoughts were only filled of him and his smile and it gave me a sense of assurance. I mustered my strength to lift my eyes to see him one more time. He was still wearing that smile. How I wish I could reply to him but I was tired. A feeling of satisfaction, I resigned myself. I fell to the ground but it doesn't seem as cold as before. It was warm.

After seemed like an eternity, I opened my eyes once more. Trying to stand up, a scent of flowers made me realize I was not at the same place. 

"Where is this?"

Picking a flower of where I was placed, I instantly recognized it as lilac.

"I was placed in lilac flowerbed which means..."

That idiot is here. It took him quite a while but he finally saved me. A smile was etched on my face and a feeling of longing tickled my spirit. 

"Yuu!"

"Are you there?"

"Why bring me to a church? You really want that honeymoon don't you!"

I shouted like an idiot but I didn't give a single care. He finally freed me and he kept his promise.
I was so happy that if he jumped at me I would've let him do

"...Whatever you want!!"

Even my thoughts gained their own voice out of happiness. I kept on looking around until I exhausted myself. 

"Just where is that guy?"

"Miss Yamamoto."

A voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts. I raised my guard as an instinct but he didn't seem threatening.

"How do you know me?"

The man didn't answer the question but instead lead me towards the church's entrance. I was unsure at first but a small dread tugged my insides. I opened the door to see something I will burn an image to my mind for as long as I live.

The scene was something out of a gore show or Rated-B movie. Blood was everywhere and the stench of corpses filled the air. On the ground several meters away from where I stand, an insignia of some kind. The sight before me made me want to throw up I wanted to go back inside the church and wait for him. I wanted to this image burned into my mind but the sooner I took a step back, the man began speaking at a monotonous voice.

"Chairman Locke's Final Will and Testament."

Locke? That's his last name. My mind began swirling with thoughts once more. Dread filled my face and that my eyes squirmed around the place to confirm it. I force myself back to the church my body was glued to the ground. Half of me wanted to leave and half of me wanted to listen. The man continued to garble on the things that was written on his "supposedly" Will and Testament my eyes kept on squirming until it found what it was looking for.

I didn't want to accept it but my eyes knew what it saw. On the far left of where the carnage happened, two swords were pierced on the ground.

"Could it be...no.."

It was not cold and yet my body felt like it was soaked on ice. I tried moving my legs but every step I take an ounce of memories smashed my head. The man who was talking didn't give any help either.

"On the discretion of my own counsel...''

"Can you please shut up for a little while?!"

But he didn't kept quiet. He kept on blabbering on what was on the paper he was holding. I moved closer to the swords and at that moment, I knew who was its owner. I wanted to shout but my voice couldn't make its way towards my throat. I tried swallowing but it only gave pain.

"N-No...N-No..Protecting me..."

"Aahh!...Uwaah!"

I bellowed to the winds. My anger, contempt and vengeance. As the lust for kill pounded on my veins, his smile pierced the depths of my heart. The man kept on talking but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted him back.

"And Kizuna Yamamoto shall be named chairman upon my death and all of my property and belongings shall be addressed over to her. End of Will and Testament"

The man then finished reading the document but the last words on it lingered on my mind. 

"So, he left me his company..."

On that moment, grief turned to vengeance and dedication. Standing up, I pull out his swords. The man seeing this, gave a short bow.

"I am RB-034 personal assistant to former prime Yuu Vaughn Locke and now assistant to.."

I said a silent promise on the place where his swords where placed. taking his swords, I cut off RB.

"Chairwoman Kizuna Yamamoto-Locke."

I hope you guys go easy on me xD This has no title at the moment because I suck at giving titles. Any suggestions or comments would be really appreciated and if a team/creator is interested in picking it up, kindly PM me :]. I'll add some more excerpts on the way to make the plot more defined.

As usual, comments keeps the engine running ;]

[Sapphi]

Well, for starters, your grammar could use a little work. You're jumping between past and present tense a lot, often in the same sentence:

"I catch my breath, drop my face to the ground and shout into the mountains but I never found peace."

"Memories came teeming like a broken video player that I can't turn off."

"I fell to the ground but it doesn't seem as cold as before."

Also, there are a lot of phrases are awkwardly worded/just don't make sense at all. There are so many that I can't comment on all of them, but here are a few of my observations/suggestions:

"I curled myself on the floor with shackles embracing every fiber of what I am."
First of all, most people would say "I curled up". I've never heard anyone say "I curled myself". Second, not only does "embrace" usually indicate a gentle, warm closeness and not the feeling of being imprisoned, but "every fiber of what I am" just sounds silly. Why not just say "my body"?

"I shout at the walls that held me but it only responded with my own foolishness."
The image I'm getting here is that she's yelling at the walls, but her voice is echoing off of them back at her. I am only getting this image because I have seen it in other stories - otherwise I would have NO idea what to make of this sentence.

"I shouted like an idiot but I didn't give a single care."
Awkwardly worded. Compare with "I knew I was shouting like an idiot, but I didn't care how it sounded."

"I raised my guard as an instinct but he didn't seem threatening."
First of all, you don't do anything "as an instinct", you do it "instinctively". Second of all, when I read "I raised my guard" I pictured her picking up some armored guy and holding him in the air

"Dread filled my face and that my eyes squirmed around the place to confirm it."
Ignoring the question of how an emotion can "fill" a face, it's strange to have the narrator telling me what her face looks like. Unless she carries a mirror around, how does she know that? Also... "squirmed" is a very weird word to use when talking about eye movement.

The grammatical inconsistencies are easily fixed, but I think your main problem is the awkward description. It seems like you are going for a poetic flavor, which can be effective at setting a mood, but you have to consider your narrator's voice. I can imagine a girl with a flair for the dramatic saying something like "I bellowed to the winds", but coming out of most people's mouths that phrase would sound incredibly flowery and silly.

Oh, one other nitpick. It's a pet peeve of mine, but I would never write:

"Like something out of a movie, ..."
"...like a broken video player that I can't turn off"
"The scene was something out of a gore show or Rated-B movie."

Explicit references to mundane things like that in an otherwise fantastic setting are extremely distracting and out of place. How likely is it that in post-apocalyptic earth, a girl would liken a gory scene to "Something out of a Rated-B movie"? The only appropriate way to use this description that I can think of would be if she was a normal girl who had suddenly been plunged into an apocalyptic world and that was the only way she could think of to describe it. Again, consider your character's voice. Right now it's breaking the immersion.

I hope I could be of some service...

(Edit: I wrote "flare" in place of "flair". I had to change it. I have OCD. )

[TsukiShima]

... Your name interest me. Like I've seen it before.

Anyway, I've read story that you wrote. While it is good, there are some parts that seemed off, and if I'm one of those read-and-go readers, I'll skip a lot. There are some small mistakes here and there, but humans can't run from it. I'm sure you have a lot of rooms to improve. Since I'm not a writer myself, I'm not qualified to judge you.

Take Sapphi advice as well. It's pretty helpful.

Well, I wish you luck with any projects you're working on!

[JustAPasserBy]

Thanks for the replies, Sapphi and HanaMori. I will try to post an improved excerpt soon. :]

[JustAPasserBy]

So here's an improved excerpt I think? xD I took notes on the critique that Sapphi gave me and remade some lines and stuff. Please go easy on me xD

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Regrets? Maybe I had a few of them. I ran around corners, slammed my face to the ground and hurt myself but it never gave peace. I felt stupid doing this but for some reason, these things gave me comfort and hope to at least catch a glimpse of something in the past.

Or maybe see him and call him an idiot.

Time had me trapped for some reason and I couldn't remember what it was. The cold floor kissed my cheeks and the walls laughed in the silence.

"Maybe he thinks I'm dead."

My mind whispered despair. I shouted at the walls that held me. I punched them, clawed at them but it didn't gave any answer...or hope. I stared at the ceiling thinking of death. I laughed hard at the very thought. 

But one day, a blinding light destroyed the darkness. It roused my something within me. Something I thought was forever lost. I was drawn to it. I wanted to touch it but the shackles bounded my feet.

"If I can't walk then I'll crawl..."
 
A silly thought but I wanted to touch that light and no chains was going to stop me. I crawled slowly towards it, extending my hand and my hope that I gained.  

"Please..."

Then suddenly, the shackles broke. The darkness became nothing more than my shadow. The light touched my face for a split second and I felt a person's warmth, something I thought would never feel again. I was still far away from the light but my mind was only filled of the one who could've done this.

"Yuu."

I called to him but he only flickered in response. I made my way towards him but he seemed far away as I walk slowly, something pierced my heart, in the blinding light, I saw a smile. Tears ran through my eyes.

"I know that smile."

"You idiot, What took you so long?"

Euphoria filled my soul. It took him long but he finally came. Tears welled in my eyes and strength started to leave my body. My senses were blurring and my thoughts were only filled of him and our memories. I mustered my strength to lift my eyes to see him one more time. He was still wearing that smile. How I wish I could smile back but I was tired. A feeling of satisfaction, I resigned myself. I fell to the ground but it didn't seem as cold as before. It was warm.

"Kizuna..."

After seemed like an eternity, I opened my eyes once more. Trying to stand up, a scent of flowers made me realize I was not at the same place. 

"Where is this?"

Picking a flower of where I was placed, I instantly recognized it as lilac.

"A lilac flowerbed...It could only mean..."

He is here, that idiot. It took him quite a while but he finally saved me. A smile was etched on my face and a feeling of longing tickled my spirit. 

"Yuu!"

"Are you here?"

"Why bring me to a church? You really want that honeymoon don't you!"

I felt like a child. He finally freed me and he kept his promise. I was so happy that if he jumped at me I would've let him do

"...Whatever you want!!"

Even my thoughts gained their own voice out of happiness. I kept on looking around until I exhausted myself. 

"Just where is that guy?"

"Miss Yamamoto."

A voice suddenly interrupted from behind.

"How do you know me?"

The man didn't answer the question but instead lead me towards the church's entrance. I was unsure at first but a small dread tugged my insides. I opened the door and saw something that will burn an image to my mind for as long as I live.

Blood was everywhere and the stench of corpses filled the air. On the ground several meters away from where I stand, an insignia of some kind. The things I saw was simply too much. I wanted to throw up but as soon as I took a step back, the man began speaking.

"Chairman Locke's Final Will and Testament."

Locke? That's his last name. 

"Last Will? What are you talking about?"

I tried forcing an answer but the man only continued talking in response. A feeling of dread churned my insides. My eyes looked for something I hoped not to see. Garbled thoughts whirled in my head but something caught my attention. In the far right of where the insignia was placed, two swords were pierced on the ground.

"Could it be...no.."

"On the discretion of my own counsel...''

"Can you please shut up for a little while?!"

The man kept on talking. He kept on blabbering on what was on the paper he was holding. I moved closer to the swords and at that moment, I knew who was its owner. I wanted to shout but my voice couldn't make its way towards my throat. I tried to swallow but it only gave pain.

"N-No...N-No..Protecting me..."

"Aahh!...Uwaah!"

I couldn't contain it. My anger, contempt and vengeance. The lust to kill pounded my veins, a silver of his smile pierced the depths of my heart. The man kept on talking but I didn't care anymore. I just wanted him back.

"And Kizuna Yamamoto shall be named chairman upon my death and all of my property and belongings shall be adressed over to her. End of Will and Testament"

The man then finished reading the document but the last words on it lingered on my mind. 

"So, he left me his company..."

On that moment, grief turned to vengeance and dedication. Standing up, I pull out his swords. The man seeing this, gave a short bow.

"I am RB-034 personal assistant to former Prime Yuu Vaughn Locke and now assistant to.."

I said a silent promise on the place where his swords where placed. Pointing his swords to the skies, I told RB my name

"Chairwoman Kizuna Yamamoto-Locke."

[jjbproductions]

I'm a little confused about the plot. Also, you should try to make players wonder about what caused the post-apocalyptic Earth, not hide it, because (whether or not you end up telling what caused it) it creates suspicion and allows the player to use their imagination about what happened. Also, your writing seems pretty good.

[Dakishimete]

Just as jjbproductions said, it would be the best for you to know what caused this poor state of Earth. Writing in poorly developed universe often leads to creating plot holes. Also, consider the fact that post-apocalypse genre is usually used for a reason, not just because it's dramatic. It's to warn the people about possible outcomes of their lifestyles unless the reason is a cataclysm not caused by humans.

[JustAPasserBy]

Just as jjbproductions said, it would be the best for you to know what caused this poor state of Earth. Writing in poorly developed universe often leads to creating plot holes. Also, consider the fact that post-apocalypse genre is usually used for a reason, not just because it's dramatic. It's to warn the people about possible outcomes of their lifestyles unless the reason is a cataclysm not caused by humans.

Yeah it's just an excerpt. As I've said on the earlier posts, the one that i posted is the introduction for the route the you will chose after playing the common storyline but yeah, there are tend to be a lot of plotholes in a post-apocalyptic setting but also, I'm pretty sure that I've covered most of it in my story. :]

[wulfae]

I felt like a child. He finally freed me and he kept his promise. I was so happy that if he jumped at me I would've let him do

"...Whatever you want!!"

This one was a little weird, for me. Feeling like a child and then being ready to have sex in two sentences is a little jarring.

Also, why does he have to jump her? It's not the most romantic thing. Perhaps she is looking for him, so she can thank him properly? With her saying something about a honeymoon before this, I can guess that they are quite involved, so maybe running with that instead would be a little less... Weird.

I was hoping that instead of describing the scene as a b-movie, you would describe it in terms of recent, post apocalyptic history. For instance, if I saw a bombing happen in a street, or something, I could say that it looked like something out of Afghanistan, which is a real world event that means something to people. I'm sure in a post apocalyptic world, there would be massacres. For food, or shelter, or just factions fighting against each other. You also mentioned that this is a bit you play through after you've played part of your story, so if there are any violent events that happen in that, it might be nice to reference them.

A bit of clarity on a 'b-movie', as well. There is no such thing as a 'B' rating. Back in the day, they would make 'A' movies, with huge budgets and lots of stars, and 'B' movies, with lower budgets and nobodies. The B movie was originally the second half of a double feature. If you're interested, here's the wikipedia article on B movies.

[JustAPasserBy]

I felt like a child. He finally freed me and he kept his promise. I was so happy that if he jumped at me I would've let him do

"...Whatever you want!!"

This one was a little weird, for me. Feeling like a child and then being ready to have sex in two sentences is a little jarring.

Also, why does he have to jump her? It's not the most romantic thing. Perhaps she is looking for him, so she can thank him properly? With her saying something about a honeymoon before this, I can guess that they are quite involved, so maybe running with that instead would be a little less... Weird.

I was hoping that instead of describing the scene as a b-movie, you would describe it in terms of recent, post apocalyptic history. For instance, if I saw a bombing happen in a street, or something, I could say that it looked like something out of Afghanistan, which is a real world event that means something to people. I'm sure in a post apocalyptic world, there would be massacres. For food, or shelter, or just factions fighting against each other. You also mentioned that this is a bit you play through after you've played part of your story, so if there are any violent events that happen in that, it might be nice to reference them.

A bit of clarity on a 'b-movie', as well. There is no such thing as a 'B' rating. Back in the day, they would make 'A' movies, with huge budgets and lots of stars, and 'B' movies, with lower budgets and nobodies. The B movie was originally the second half of a double feature. If you're interested, here's the wikipedia article on B movies.

Thanks for the comments, I have the updated excerpt below :]

Edit: Typo

[JustAPasserBy]

So people have been wondering about what happened that caused the sorry state of Earth. Here's the excerpt of it.

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"Hey did you hear about that statue?"

"The one at the Capitol Grounds?"

"Yeah, apparently, people are saying its cursed. Flowers that were once planted around it withered and the gardeners who took care of it died of horrible deaths."

"Really? Then the city hall took some kind of action?"

"Yeah, people complained about it but for some reason, the mayor and the governor couldn't do anything. They just advised the people to stay away from it."

"Eh? So maybe some dark force is really within that statue!"

An untold song that has been kept in silence, a sacrifice seen only by the eyes of darkness. The skies showed their thanks with tears on their faces. Blood tempered the steel of the mighty and their cries drifted with the winds. Blades filled the soil among with the bodies who have given their life in the transient dream they once imagined. Now in that same battlefield, flowers bloomed to the fullest and people showed their smiles to the heavens. Birds sung a hymn of happiness and the trees swayed in elegance. Nothing is left to remind of the past, the bodies have withered and their story forgotten. Not a trace of the past except for a statue of 3 persons facing away from each other. With no heads, one can only describe them in the gestures they were modeled at. One in a formal attire, he holds 2 swords, an English saber and a Japanese Katana, with one pointing at the east. The other clenches his right fist tightly and from his clothes, it seemed he was a part of the military. The third one is in robes, and is using a staff that resembled a cross and was using it as support. 


In the euphoria that surrounded the place, the monument gave a feeling of despair and sadness. No one knew the story behind the statues and soon enough, people began associating it with ridiculous stories, absurd theories and explanations. They steer away from it, fearing a curse that will befall them. The winds continue to blow in that place, but the shroud of mystery remains.


The year is 3045. After centuries of conflict and war, Earth has finally reached an era of stability. The records of the past has not been made known for the public but soon enough, names began emerging within the masses as they take hold of the order in Earth. After several years of confusion, states have began reappearing. Governments are restored and the people try to rebuild what was lost. Honors have perfumed names and newspapers contained their feats but only 3 was known by everyone at heart.


The "Sakura", a private military firm headed by Chairwoman Kizuna Yamamoto, the Black Panther, the official defense force of the reunited, United Nations under General Selene Rovanovich 1st Class. And the order of the Cross in which Lunia is hailed as the high priestess. Together, they have helped rebuilding the different nations by any means. All people know their names and that rumors and tales began surfacing that they were the ones responsible for ending the conflict against the unspoken enemies.