K done here.

[XMittenz1]

I am, unfortunately, working in a one person group on my next project. Though there's a chance my good friend will proof read my stuff for me. Thats pretty much the only help I manage to get, since I would rather not be annoying and bug pro's for free help. Since well...It's quite...disrespectful to them. Either way the only problem Im in right now is just learning how to script/Program. I know the bare basics only.
Anyways, I wanted opinions on my Story concept. So I don't go spending weeks learning scripting, doing all the art, doing the actual scripting to only get hate on it.

Welcome to Wonderland
The Story is a Wonderland theme. Alice following that white rabbit down the hole into Wonderland. Mystical worlds, ect ect.
This would start off looking like an inoccent wonderland story. The cute shy boy, sad past, falling in love. The cutesy amime style Im using would just add onto the trap. Though slowly it starts to become more twisted, as Alice's mental state changes as more and more things happen. Up to the point where he can't tell reality from wonderland. Which is quiet bad considering his Wonderland is quiet...messed up.

Alice is a 16 year old male who has had been living in an Orphanage for the past month. He has a bad case of Amnesia, and the only thing he can remember is his name, and that his parents are dead. During recent sessions with his therapist he continuously talks of "Blurred Visions of another world". He only see's them In his dream and He can never move about in this world. Its just like a picture showing and going.
His therapist gets quiet intrigued in this statement and tells Alice to find a way in, as this could be his ticket to finding his memories again. Of course Alice manages to gain access into this World only to be told by our favorite Cat that this is Wonderland.
.
Pretty much his Therapist does a crap load of things to him causing most of his mental breaking. For Example "He's putting puzzle pieces from another puzzle into my puzzle. ." Also known as; Wrong Memories being reclaimed. There's also the fact that his Lucid dreams start to feel more and more real, to the point where he can claim he feels pain. He's way in the closet, he fell head over heels on another male. Only to find out the guys deaf and involed with his lost past.

The Character in this story related to Alice's wonderland in some way. Like for example.
Gilbert Is one of Alice's close friends. He tends to be quiet sarcastic and teasing, but is always there to help. At least when he can. In Alice's wonderland Gilbert is expressed as the Cheshire Cat. They look quiet the same excluding the Outfit and the cat features.
This pretty much goes for every character known in Wonderland. Plus some added by yours truly.


This story is going to be rather Gore-ific at some points. If i can figure out how, I might make it to where players can skip the extreme gore scene's.

Im all ready to start working on this project. I have the story pretty much set up. The rolalty-free, creative commons music for the soundtrack downloaded

[http://www.incompetech.com/ <--- This guy is amazing and his music is free, allowed to be used in anything including VN's, and allowed for commercial use. ]

Also some old drawings I did of a few characters. Note This is NOT the style Im going to be using. These were a tad bit old and I did them mostly for fun.

Gilbert [Real world] Bubi [Wonderland, Leon in RL] Alice [Wonderland] He has much plainer clothes in the real world. The hatter [Wonderland, Iris in RL] By the way, the Hatter's is where the most gore would be at. And His real world self is this sweet farmer boy. Who's a psychotic sadist.

I would get more into it, but i don't want to spoil the heck out of it.
So yes opinions would be great.
Also if I ever did get this done; it would probably be split into parts. The story's far to big for one whole VN. It would be a playtime of like 3-5hours if i did that....

Also on a very small side note...does anyone want to add me on skype and help me out with scripting ;w;? The word tutorials hurt my head, and the game doesn't cover what I need to know. Though it help a ton with all the basics!
XUncleMartyz <-- my skype.

[Calissa Leigh]

Hi. First, I'd like to say I enjoy Alice in Wonderland and always enjoy a good revised version.

My understand is that Alice is a guy lost his memory, but does know his parents are dead. Why are the parents dead? Is it important to the story? (I find it hard to wrap my brain around a guy named Alice. Is there a way to reshape the name so it doesn't just outright make you think "blonde girl in a blue dress"? Alyx? Alyse?)

Does the story take place in the "real world" or does it take place in Wonderland?

I think your story really starts with the therapist trying to edge his way into Alice's Wonderland by trying to force him to fix a puzzle. (I don't understand this, but is the therapist having Alice create a puzzle and then adding puzzle pieces from other games? How does adding more puzzle pieces affect someone with Amnesia mentally? Do the puzzle pieces have images of his dead parents or the cause of his Amnesia?"

And at this point, zap him into Wonderland and have him say something like, "Holy crap! It's just like the dream." Will this therapist follow him into Wonderland? (Meaning is he the antagonist?)

Some writers like to "give themselves permission" to write a story, or start the book. Nix anything that isn't action. Drop the reader right in the middle of the conflict. It'll pull the reader into the story.

It's a good start. Is there more to the story? So the main conflict is he needs to figure out why his memories were taken away (which is usually due to trauma if it isn't a physical ailment). Did he see his parents die? Did he kill his own parents and now is retreating into a world where he feels less guilt? Did he tear out their hearts and now he'll be dubbed Naive of Hearts?

Just trying to throw out questions to get your brain juices oozing.

[Hijiri]

Reading the summary, itbsounds to me like agenderbent version of American McGee's Alice, except with romance. However, it does sound interesting.

[XMittenz1]

Hi. First, I'd like to say I enjoy Alice in Wonderland and always enjoy a good revised version.

My understand is that Alice is a guy lost his memory, but does know his parents are dead. Why are the parents dead? Is it important to the story? (I find it hard to wrap my brain around a guy named Alice. Is there a way to reshape the name so it doesn't just outright make you think "blonde girl in a blue dress"? Alyx? Alyse?)

Does the story take place in the "real world" or does it take place in Wonderland?

I think your story really starts with the therapist trying to edge his way into Alice's Wonderland by trying to force him to fix a puzzle. (I don't understand this, but is the therapist having Alice create a puzzle and then adding puzzle pieces from other games? How does adding more puzzle pieces affect someone with Amnesia mentally? Do the puzzle pieces have images of his dead parents or the cause of his Amnesia?"

And at this point, zap him into Wonderland and have him say something like, "Holy crap! It's just like the dream." Will this therapist follow him into Wonderland? (Meaning is he the antagonist?)

Some writers like to "give themselves permission" to write a story, or start the book. Nix anything that isn't action. Drop the reader right in the middle of the conflict. It'll pull the reader into the story.

It's a good start. Is there more to the story? So the main conflict is he needs to figure out why his memories were taken away (which is usually due to trauma if it isn't a physical ailment). Did he see his parents die? Did he kill his own parents and now is retreating into a world where he feels less guilt? Did he tear out their hearts and now he'll be dubbed Naive of Hearts?

Just trying to throw out questions to get your brain juices oozing.

Thank you so much for the reply and questions

The story takes place in both worlds~ In the end area the two mix together. Also the Name Alice is a friend joke and this joke soon enough grew into this story. Over a lot of time, music, and daydreaming. I thought I would stay true to the joke and keep it since It did inspire me and start all of this. I love my friend for that

His parents being dead puts him in this orphanage where he meets the other characters who of course play huge roles in the story in their own little way. He only knows their dead because well, he's in an orphanage and his therapist told him so. He just left out the traumatizing bit.

That puzzle thing sounded so much better in my head. Basically the Therapist is using a technique called Occupational therapy: Where new memories are used to replace what was lost. His life before getting Amnesia is what causes him to go quiet confused and wondering if everything he thinks was once is life was a lie. Actually...you guessed spot on...He does kill his parents. The reason wonderland is the way it is in the first place is from past experiences. [Ill explain that later.]

The way Alice gain's access to wonderland is through Lucid Dreaming. Pretty much if he gets hurt he instantly wakes up. The therapist just asks Alice whats happened in the dream and requests him to keep a dream log. Though he is an antagonist as he is the King of hearts. Though Alice doesn't realize this till the dead end of the story where he's gone pretty much Insane.

His problem/Goal is to just cure his amnesia. Yes Trauma pretty much causes it.

Alice's parents died by Alice's own hands. You can say this Amnesia was a blessing, a chance at starting over. Of course the Therapist pretty much ruined it. In the past Alice had been the typical spoiled rotten brat. It was obvious mental problems were presence; mainly Schizophrenia. Said mental problem caused him to think his parents were monsters one night and he finally went far enough to have shot his parents. Once the visions had faded away he realized the damage he had done..and pretty much fainted. Now we got Amnesia Alice.

Also that nave of hearts thing is an insanely good idea. I hope I cleared some things up


@Hijiri I love that game man :I~ To bad my computer is to "pro" for it FFFF- But don't worry I tried to stay as clear as possible from copying it ;; I really hope it's not to similar T_T I can see why you say that though. Trust me theres a LOT more than what I've written. I only explained like 1/5th of this xD;

[Camille]

Is there a real reason why you need to have it be based off of Alice in Wonderland? I feel like, in general, when you base your work off of a pre-existing world, it's a lot harder to get immersed in it. Also, people will always be comparing your story to the other story and you won't have as much room to be unique. Why not just make up your own world and ditch the Alice concept? I like the general idea of what you're going for here (I loooove psychological thrillers) but I think there's a lot more room for the story and the universe to grow if you get away from the whole "Alice in Wonderland" thing, which I think has been done to death. Between Heart no Kuni no Alice, Are You Alice?, Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, and American McGee's Alice, there's no way your story won't have similarities even if you're trying not to, you know?

[Sapphi]

Why not just make up your own world and ditch the Alice concept? I like the general idea of what you're going for here (I loooove psychological thrillers) but I think there's a lot more room for the story and the universe to grow if you get away from the whole "Alice in Wonderland" thing, which I think has been done to death.

This is what I thought when I read your concept too. How much meaningful character development can you have when you're too busy trying to stuff your characters into archetypes (or create characters just to fit them)? TBQH I'm not sure what the huge draw with Alice in Wonderland is recently, but it seems like everybody and their brother is obsessed with it. In my little drawing class of about 20 people there was still a girl who used it as her concept for a piece (which, IIRC, also included a gender-swapped manga influenced Alice). It's just... tired.

Now, if you want to create a psychological thriller and weave in the references subtly (for instance, a character's family raises white rabbits, or a character is always grinning) then I think that's a decent way to pay homage to AIW. Readers will look into it and enjoy the references. But blatantly assigning roles to your characters like this is tiresome and unoriginal. (Generally, I think that instead of riding the wake of old classics, we ought to strive to write our own classics, if that makes any sense. Reboots and re-imaginings are alright, but... to be honest, unless you're bringing something ridiculously new and revolutionary to the table, it doesn't sound very interesting.)

(Now... if the purpose of your story is to find an excuse to date cute bishies, disregard everything I just said, because the right audience will eat it up. If all you're looking for is a framework in which to drop date-able characters, you have one. But if you're going for more than that, please think a little more about your premise and how you can make your story stand out.)

[MaiMai]

TBQH I'm not sure what the huge draw with Alice in Wonderland is recently, but it seems like everybody and their brother is obsessed with it. In my little drawing class of about 20 people there was still a girl who used it as her concept for a piece (which, IIRC, also included a gender-swapped manga influenced Alice). It's just... tired.

Alice in Wonderland is a fairly trippy story with visual elements such as the White Rabbit, Chesire Cat, the card suits and chess pieces that are easily recognizable and have concepts attached to them that you can take and easily mold into a story of your own liking especially when it has to do with horror/grim/decay. And there's nothing creative minds like to do like take a children's story and make it dark and edgy.(these elements can be fairly irrelevant in the grand scheme of things and just become tired references; case in point: Pandora Hearts )

Also there is a manga with a male protagonist called Alice and he has something weird going on with his memory and all the other characters are mostly male and the whole thing is trippy. It's called Are You Alice? (It's actually a pretty ok manga)

I do think you have a good thing going in terms of story itself, but like Camille said, this has so much more potential than just a story with Alice in Wonderland references and themes. I skimmed through your plot and unfortunately it does sound a lot like American McGee's Alice what with male Alice here being an orphan, dead parents, and living in an orphanage. And the memory problems. And the therapist. Hm. It's something to think about.

[Crocosquirrel]

Okay, a couple of things for you.

First, change his name. Without that and the Cheshire Cat reference, there's nothing here that would tie this story to Carrol's original Wonderland. You have more than enough 'other' material to make this work without it. It might require a little bit of art rebuild, but that shouldn't be a *huge* problem (or at least I hope not). Now that I look at it again, You may need to work some of the other bits around a bit, too. Switch the rabbit for a meerkat, and come up with a different name for the Hatter. If you're going to go strange, might as well do it right.

Now, there's a little bit more that you can do. For example, what was his motivation at the time he was traumatized?

As for the rest, I can see one way you can pull this out without making the changes I'm suggesting above, and it would *only* require a writing change. Have the 'therapist' read him chunks of the book before the sessions, and then give him sections of the two books (It and Through the looking glass) between sessions. He's already messed up enough that he can take on the name and characteristics of the book without completely drawing the parallels.

Well, okay, they're still drawing them, but at this point, it looks intentional, and separates this situation from those in the book. Just make sure you quote the books a bit here, and you can almost get away with murder. I'm sure 'Alice' will.

Also, add a second name, that the therapist uses to talk to him. It would be his real name, but not the way he thinks of himself at the hands of that butcher.

[XMittenz1]

Thank you everyone for your honest opinions :U~
I've decided to not do it.

[Old Hero]

Don't let it drag you down. Not every idea makes it. I've scrapped at least twenty ideas before I decided to stick with one, and even then I rewrote it at least three times.

The point is to keep trying. Keep your chin up and make something good. Really good.[/i

Besides, if it's your first VN it doesn't have to be ridiculously extravagant; as long as the content is good.

[ebi brain]

You could still do it if you want
It's your game right?

But, instead of creating an Alice and his wonderland... You could also just draw inspiration from it to create your own style of wonderland and your own kooky inhabitants of that world.
I find the concept interesting and I was looking forward to seeing what you'd make of it.

But as others have said, it sounds similar to A. McGee's Alice ( maybe it's not..prove us wrong :p, but that's the first thing that popped into my head)

[Sapphi]

Don't let it drag you down. Not every idea makes it. I've scrapped at least twenty ideas before I decided to stick with one, and even then I rewrote it at least three times.

The point is to keep trying. Keep your chin up and make something good. Really good.

Right, don't get discouraged
I have lots of story ideas that I've scrapped or rebooted numerous different ways and have little to show for all the thought I've put in. But I don't mind, because it's a blessing to scrap and revise BEFORE I invested a lot of effort into a big ambitious project. (Work smarter, not harder!)