Lemma Soft Forums

Okay, so I have a little problem I'm not quite sure how to explain.

In most VNs I've seen (at least those that use a textbox at the bottom of the screen and not a textbox that covers the whole screen like Fate/Stay Night), only one or, maximum, two sentences are shown per textbox.
Now, my writing style is a little more elaborate/descriptive, although I tried my best to make it shorter. And now when I try it out, I feels kind of wrong...here's an example, because I have no idea how to explain it:

What is better/more comfortable to read:

"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk. I notice some of the guys practically breaking their necks to get a good look at her. They're even more eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand."

or

"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk."
"I notice some of the guys practically breaking their necks to get a good look at her."
"They're even more eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand."

Eh, I hope you guys understand what I'm getting at...cause I'm not sure I understand it myself.

Personally: I think the first one is easier to read since it has a sort of flow.

It depends on what kind of effect you're going for. Breaking up the sentences one by one slows the scene down; putting them all in one paragraph speeds it up. Personally, though, I tend to glaze over when faced with too much text in the text box... Trying to read all the text in that little box at the bottom of the screen gets boring after a while, especially if the writing isn't particularly engaging. (I ran into this problem a lot with Katawa Shoujo even though I liked the game; sometimes I was just like "oh, shut up already Hisao")

Reading it aloud to get the flow of the sentences always helps, too. Go with whatever sounds good.

bellice wrote:Okay, so I have a little problem I'm not quite sure how to explain.

In most VNs I've seen (at least those that use a textbox at the bottom of the screen and not a textbox that covers the whole screen like Fate/Stay Night), only one or, maximum, two sentences are shown per textbox.
Now, my writing style is a little more elaborate/descriptive, although I tried my best to make it shorter. And now when I try it out, I feels kind of wrong...here's an example, because I have no idea how to explain it:

What is better/more comfortable to read:

"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk. I notice some of the guys practically breaking their necks to get a good look at her. They're even more eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand."

or

"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk."
"I notice some of the guys practically breaking their necks to get a good look at her."
"They're even more eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand."

Eh, I hope you guys understand what I'm getting at...cause I'm not sure I understand it myself.

Well, the last sentence is awkward, regardless. As Mark Twain would would say:

When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are wide apart. An adjective habit, or a wordy, diffuse, flowery habit, once fastened upon a person, is as hard to get rid of as any other vice.

Your meaning becomes more clear when written like this:
"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk." (Good.)
"I notice some of the guys breaking their necks to get a good look at her." ('Practically' serves no purpose. We know they aren't really breaking their necks. You are using exaggeration. Don't cheapen or weaken it by adding qualifiers.)
"They pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens, list and pen in hand." ('Even more eager' than what? Eagerness was only implied in the previous sentence, not stated. 'Even more' is another example of flowery unnecessary words. 'Straightens up' is redundant. She can't straighten with out going up. )

As to whether or not you should have only one or two sentences a click, or more per screen, I would opt for more in your case, as it appears you will be doing a lot of descriptive writing, and clicking through one sentence at a time of a long text is going to be unpleasant. Keep in mind how often your reader will need to click. I would group your writing into one paragraph per screen - splitting it up just as you would when writing a novel. In other words, for every new speaker, new idea or thought, start a new screen. You might want to split very long paragraphs, but otherwise keep it all together.

@LateWhiteRabbit:
Thank you very much for the advice.
English is my second language, so my wording is bound to be awkward in some cases, but I'm working on it.

She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk. I notice some of the guys breaking their necks to get a good look at her. They're eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand.

Better? I'm not quite sure how to word 'straighten up' differently, because...well...uh...what's the opposite of bending down? (Again...good at english, but still only my second language... )
I don't see how it is redundant.

bellice wrote: English is my second language, so my wording is bound to be awkward in some cases, but I'm working on it.

Nothing points you out as English not being your native language. You're very good at it - the awkward writing is no different than what a native English speaker might write.

bellice wrote: Better? I'm not quite sure how to word 'straighten up' differently, because...well...uh...what's the opposite of bending down? (Again...good at english, but still only my second language... )
I don't see how it is redundant.

You can write either 'straighten up' or 'straightens'. The second way of writing it is more clear, because 'straighten up' is also used in English to mean 'act correctly'. 'Straighten up' is redundant in the sentence you are using it in because when someone 'straightens' from a bent position, there is only one direction for them to move - 'up'. Many English speakers would also write your sentence by saying 'straightens up', so it is not incorrect, it is just more verbose than it needs to be.

I just suggested 'straightens' because I think it causes the sentence to flow more smoothly, especially with the additionally 'list and pen in hand' after the comma. If your sentence ended at the comma, I would indeed use 'straightens up'. But ultimately it is just preference. As I said before your use of English is indistinguishable from a native speaker.

LateWhiteRabbit wrote:

bellice wrote: English is my second language, so my wording is bound to be awkward in some cases, but I'm working on it.

Nothing points you out as English not being your native language. You're very good at it - the awkward writing is no different than what a native English speaker might write.

bellice wrote: Better? I'm not quite sure how to word 'straighten up' differently, because...well...uh...what's the opposite of bending down? (Again...good at english, but still only my second language... )
I don't see how it is redundant.

You can write either 'straighten up' or 'straightens'. The second way of writing it is more clear, because 'straighten up' is also used in English to mean 'act correctly'. 'Straighten up' is redundant in the sentence you are using it in because when someone 'straightens' from a bent position, there is only one direction for them to move - 'up'. Many English speakers would also write your sentence by saying 'straightens up', so it is not incorrect, it is just more verbose than it needs to be.

I just suggested 'straightens' because I think it causes the sentence to flow more smoothly, especially with the additionally 'list and pen in hand' after the comma. If your sentence ended at the comma, I would indeed use 'straightens up'. But ultimately it is just preference. As I said before your use of English is indistinguishable from a native speaker.

Thank you. English is about the only thing I'm good at.

And now I got what you meant with changing "straighten up". It never entered my mind that "to straighten" already implicates the "up" part. Again, thank you.
I'll keep what you said in the back of my mind when I'm writing.

I'd say a good rule of thumb is to only put in each box what the player's going to be able to imagine at once. So each step in the scene is a new box.

She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk. I notice some of the guys breaking their necks to get a good look at her. They're eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand.

This sounds alright, but it's still too much happening at once in my opinion. There's really two things happening in the scene: the girl bending down to look at the class list, and the reaction of the other guys. I'd split it in two, maybe like this:

1: She turns and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk.

2: I notice some of the guys craning their necks to get a good look at her, but when she straightens back up, list and pen in hand, they quickly pull back, the very picture of innocence.

Probably too many commas, though. Hmm...

Your English is a lot better than many people I know who speak it as their first language, though

"She turns around and bends down to flip through the class list on her desk. I notice some of the guys practically breaking their necks to get a good look at her. They're even more eager to pull back quickly and look innocent when she straightens up, list and pen in hand."

"She bent over to pick up the pen, her skirt arching upward. Several guys snapped their heads around, eyes following the rising hemline. When she stands again, they shift their focus to the teacher."

"I notice" is extra. You don't need to put it. If "I" is telling the story, there is no need to define who does stuff. it is always "I". So any "I see, I notice, I hear, I smell" can be nixed.


Also, assuming external intentions is... awkward. It's like telling the reader what's going on. If you describe the action well enough, you won't need to tell the reader anything. They can "see" it. Give your readers credit. They can tell what's going on without you trying to tell them intention and motive.

And here I was gonna say how the narrator oughtn't say "I notice", because the fact he notices it is self-evident by the fact that he mentions the event, but Calissa beat me to it. To just add to that: anything the narrator describes is something he notices. There is literally nothing the narrator can describe that he is not aware of.

On the text box issue, I personally feel that each important line and new event should be in a new text box. If you write in novel format and you would start on a new line, I would recommend a new box. So:
I'd start each of the new lines in a separate text box; I'd get four text boxes out of this piece.