Hello, guys! =)
Soo... I'm not a writer and English is a language I fail in.
I prefer drawing over writing anyways.
Which is exactly why I need to train writing.
1plus3 will be released in English first (as this community is, well, pretty much familiar with the English language) and I'd prefer it if native speakers, or any person with some knowledge of this language, wouldn't cry bitter tears.
So, let's get this thing done.
Challenge me. Rip my sentences apart. Teach me some goddamn grammar.
--- Babbling ends here
Just give me an image.
I also wouldn't say 'no' to a prompt, a sentence or a genre wish.
(If it's your OC I'm also fine with your game thread etc.)
The 'stories' will probably be short as I just prefer these but this is no rule - guess it depends on whether I consider it be be complete or not.
Keep in mind that I'm not in my comfort zone, but don't go easy on me.
Thank you for your time.
- R.
[OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
-
gekiganwing
- Lemma-Class Veteran
- Posts: 2473
- Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:38 pm
- Contact:
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
If you are not a native English speaker, then you may benefit by writing in your native language. When you finish your writing, find someone who can translate your game into English.
There are some native German speakers who have created visual novels. If German is your first language, then you might want to talk with these people.
There are some native German speakers who have created visual novels. If German is your first language, then you might want to talk with these people.
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
Well, you can always ask someone else to write for you, or pay them to do so. Writing a rough draft and then having someone rewrite that tighter is an idea, for example. People often underestimate just how hard it is to write well.
In any case, write the following:
Two people have a fight. Person A wants to suss the fight and thinks it wasn't a big deal. Person B thinks it was A Very Big Deal.
Decide where they do it, what their relation is and what they're fighting about, then write the piece, making sure to conclude with some sort of resolution. Remember: not all conflicts need to end with mutual satisfaction!
Easier mode:
In any case, write the following:
Two people have a fight. Person A wants to suss the fight and thinks it wasn't a big deal. Person B thinks it was A Very Big Deal.
Decide where they do it, what their relation is and what they're fighting about, then write the piece, making sure to conclude with some sort of resolution. Remember: not all conflicts need to end with mutual satisfaction!
Easier mode:
The husband is Person A, and he thinks his wife is making something out of nothing. He wants to suss the fight, since they're in the supermarket and people are staring at them something fierce. Of course, he's innocent to the allegations.
The wife saw her husband add mackerel to their mackerel, even though she hates basket but the woman next door loves it: she suspects her husband is cheating on her and sees this as Decisive Evidence.
The wife saw her husband add mackerel to their mackerel, even though she hates basket but the woman next door loves it: she suspects her husband is cheating on her and sees this as Decisive Evidence.
Last edited by Applegate on Sun Apr 29, 2012 8:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
gekiganwing
Yes, dear, I know that there are. =)
But it's kind of a principle by now - Déjà-vu will have it's first release in German as this is the main language of the community members which helped this project grow, and while I know no visual novel players personally (RPG-community ftw /fail) but people here helped me I'll do this thingy in English.
I think that I benefit from it greatly and while I make a lot of mistakes now I'll make sure to let some proofreaders look over it so that it will be on a normal level.
I really appreciate your concern though. =)
Applegate
Believe me, underestimating writers is really the last thing I do.
I have a lot respect for them as I gave up writing with 12 years to polish my art skills as they were lacking.
But writing is, like drawing, also a craft.
While I have no confidence in my writing at the moment, I have confidence that I can learn it.
(I managed to learn drawing and coloring. Especially the last thing wasn't something that went smoothly but it's something you can learn to do after all.)
I do not strive to be the next Goethe or whatever author you'd insert here, but to be good enough to make the game enjoyable. =)
Commissioning somebody is out of question.
I love people and all, but I don't trust anyone. ^^"
People always have lot of things to do, tend to forget you or your work and then decide that they'd rather cancel the whole thing.
I prefer to do as much as possible by myself.
(Which is drawing, designing, writing and programming. Heck, I'd even make the music myself but after investing some time I noticed that this would take too much time.)
And I don't have money, so I'd rather invest in my skills than in other people.
(Jeez, I must look like a total asshole now. x_X)
However, thank you for the situation. =)
I'll post it as soon as it's ready.
Going to sleep now - have a nice day, everyone. <3
- R.
Yes, dear, I know that there are. =)
But it's kind of a principle by now - Déjà-vu will have it's first release in German as this is the main language of the community members which helped this project grow, and while I know no visual novel players personally (RPG-community ftw /fail) but people here helped me I'll do this thingy in English.
I think that I benefit from it greatly and while I make a lot of mistakes now I'll make sure to let some proofreaders look over it so that it will be on a normal level.
I really appreciate your concern though. =)
Applegate
Believe me, underestimating writers is really the last thing I do.
I have a lot respect for them as I gave up writing with 12 years to polish my art skills as they were lacking.
But writing is, like drawing, also a craft.
While I have no confidence in my writing at the moment, I have confidence that I can learn it.
(I managed to learn drawing and coloring. Especially the last thing wasn't something that went smoothly but it's something you can learn to do after all.)
I do not strive to be the next Goethe or whatever author you'd insert here, but to be good enough to make the game enjoyable. =)
Commissioning somebody is out of question.
I love people and all, but I don't trust anyone. ^^"
People always have lot of things to do, tend to forget you or your work and then decide that they'd rather cancel the whole thing.
I prefer to do as much as possible by myself.
(Which is drawing, designing, writing and programming. Heck, I'd even make the music myself but after investing some time I noticed that this would take too much time.)
And I don't have money, so I'd rather invest in my skills than in other people.
(Jeez, I must look like a total asshole now. x_X)
However, thank you for the situation. =)
I'll post it as soon as it's ready.
Going to sleep now - have a nice day, everyone. <3
- R.
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
Sooo, finished...
(Actually finished before going to sleep but I wanted to proofread it at least once before posting.)
Well, the people who normally look over my stuffand tell me when it's becoming unreadable bullshit are offline at the moment, so I'll probably edit this post later.
I wrote two short scenes - the first one has two characters of 1plus3 in it, the second one follows that easy mode of yours.
I used it as I noticed that the first scene was neither what you wanted nor easy to understand as this conflict is something that took it's time to build.
(And will probably not appear like this in the game - it's more like a reminder for me what I have to put in the "I always take the nice answers to get the guy"-path.)
However, enough babbling.
Easy Mode
“Dear, what is that thing you put in there?”
Her voice was a little shriller than usual; her eyes did not leave the ominous object as she asked this question.
“Eh?”
He turned around and started looking around in the basket as if to find something that didn't belong there.
“Don't try to hide it,” she snapped while her eyes narrowed.
Really, playing innocent wouldn't save him this time. Not this time.
“It's mackerels. Mackerels,” she empathised as he just raised an eyebrow.
“Err... okay. So what?”
He rubbed the back of his head, getting a bad feeling about the darkening blush of his wife.
“I hate mackerels.”
“Well, I don't,” he sighed, feeling irritated.
“I just felt like eating some this evening.”
“Oh yeah, and I can just imagine with whom...” she muttered while crossing her arms and starring away from him.
His mouth twitched, and he wanted to ask what she was implying, but then he hesitated.
A younger girl next to him stared at both of them.
“Look, how about I just take them back? I don't feel like eating them any more.”
The last thing he needed was a scene in front of everybody.
“And you think this would make everything fine again?!”
Her voice got louder and he clenched his teeth.
The girl, that had just leant over to get some butter, raised her eyebrows at him and he gave her a polite smile that didn't reach his desperate looking eyes. She too pulled the corners of her mouth up and turned around to go, blinking rapidly while shooting her eyebrows up again.
“Listen, dear, I'm not sure what you're going on about but...”
“Oh, but you do! And I do too -- I know about everything that's going on!”
Her voice pierced his ears. No chance to stop her now.
“You and that... that... that little girl from next door. You thought I wouldn't notice that you were interested?“
He rubbed his neck, sharply breathing out.
Some people stoped to stare, some didn't even pretend to be shopping for food.
“Did you honestly think that I wouldn't see how she made eyes at you? Would overlook the fact that you repaired her toiled?”
He uncomfortably shifted from one leg to another.
“That was just once. She has nobody to do this for her, you kn--”
“She could always call a plumber – that's what they are there for!” she cut him off.
The her voice got quieter. “You always take forever to fix something if I ask you.”
He gulped as he looked at her hurt face.
Now that she stopped screaming he felt sorry for her even though he did nothing wrong.
Taking a step forward he laid his hand on her shoulder to reassure her but she slapped his hand away angrily.
“Just what gives you the right to touch me?”
She took a step back, ignoring the fact that she ran into a curious old lady that was now staring at her outraged.
“What gives you the right to ever touch me again?
You even buy mackerels for her. In public! In front of me! Do you feel no shame?”
His sympathy for her was gone.
Rubbing his face he shook his head.
Making a scene in the supermarket wasn't enough. Making him look like a complete asshole seemed to be part of the plan. Framing him for of things he didn't do – because of what?
Mackerels?
Or plain old insecurity?
“You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want.”
He took the mackerels out of the basket and moved to the till, trying to ignore the watery look on her face and the trembling lips that made his insides ache like he was doing something horrible wrong.
“I'm sleeping somewhere else tonight so don't wait for me.”
He breathed in shakily, hoping he wouldn't regret it.
Freestyle
He was breathing in the smell of her shampoo and stroked her soft hair.
Caleb noticed how it complimented her as he watched Fortune drawing some weird symbols into her notebook.
“I dislike it.”
She stopped writing for a moment to look him in the eyes, mustering him.
Biting her lip.
Turning back again.
“I see. I'm sorry.”
“That's all you have to say?”
She didn't even ask what it was.
“Is there something you'd like to add, love?”
He let go of her hair and sighed.
“Your... your smell.”
“Mmmh... I wanted to buy a new perfume anyway, I guess.”
“And your looks. Your style. Your hair.”
Not looking up she told him she was sorry.
“It's horrible, you know?”
Nodding.
Scribble, scribble, scribble.
No change in expression.
“You know, my friends are laughing at me. Making fun of me because of you.”
Fortune lifted her pencil for a moment, looking at him again.
She furrowed as if to empathise her apology while her eyes stayed indifferent.
Just as she started to write again Caleb pushed himself up from the bed, forcing her to stop writing again due to the shaking.
“Listen, I want some coffee. Go get me some.”
He stood up and walked up to the window, ignoring the bright evening sun as he closed his eyes and breathed out heavily.
He could hear her hesitation for a moment and his heartbeat quickened in hope for her next words.
But then Caleb heard the bed squeaking and soft footsteps moving away from him to the door.
He turned around, took a few big steps and grabbed her arm, pulling her back harshly.
“Just what is wrong with you?”
Big, brown eyes analysing him without emotion.
He let go of her arm.
“Just what happened to you...” Caleb corrected in a quieter voice.
“I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.”
“You...” he started, rubbing his eyes.
“You always, always stay on the safe side. You're always the nice girl and never yourself.”
“Look, Caleb, I'm not sure what's gotten into you but it's utterly nonsense. I am being myself.”
She frowned a little and he could see her eyebrow twitch.
“Yes, but of course,” he muttered to himself while starring at the floor.
“Jeez, ever crossed your mind that I'm just a -- what was it -- a nice girl? You know, like, all my life?”
His head yanked up.
“Oh, because being a nice girl means apologising for everything you didn't do and that is perfectly fine, yes?”
“So it's my fault for not noticing that you didn't mean what you said?”
Her eyebrows were raised in a way that he recognised from her younger self.
She nearly looked reproachful and he wondered if he had finally cracked her, but the she sighed and looked at the floor.
“I don't see what I did wrong here but I'm sorry for it, okay?”
He stared at her while she regained her indifferent posture, making him tense up again.
“I just remembered that I need to buy some coffee beans, I hope you don't mind that I leave now. Please remember to take your stuff when you're going, okay?”
She looked a second longer at him than needed and he ruffled his hear desperately.
“How am I supposed to fucking love you when I don't even know you?”
And that made her stop, made her slowly turn her head.
He mustered her back that was tensing up.
Saw her mouth opening after clenching her teeth.
Watched her leaving the room without replying anything at all.
--- x3
So, I'm now open for critique and new challenges.
(And I'll probably come back after someone has proofread this to update this version.)
Well, thank you for taking the time. =)
- R.
(Actually finished before going to sleep but I wanted to proofread it at least once before posting.)
Well, the people who normally look over my stuff
I wrote two short scenes - the first one has two characters of 1plus3 in it, the second one follows that easy mode of yours.
I used it as I noticed that the first scene was neither what you wanted nor easy to understand as this conflict is something that took it's time to build.
(And will probably not appear like this in the game - it's more like a reminder for me what I have to put in the "I always take the nice answers to get the guy"-path.)
However, enough babbling.
Easy Mode
“Dear, what is that thing you put in there?”
Her voice was a little shriller than usual; her eyes did not leave the ominous object as she asked this question.
“Eh?”
He turned around and started looking around in the basket as if to find something that didn't belong there.
“Don't try to hide it,” she snapped while her eyes narrowed.
Really, playing innocent wouldn't save him this time. Not this time.
“It's mackerels. Mackerels,” she empathised as he just raised an eyebrow.
“Err... okay. So what?”
He rubbed the back of his head, getting a bad feeling about the darkening blush of his wife.
“I hate mackerels.”
“Well, I don't,” he sighed, feeling irritated.
“I just felt like eating some this evening.”
“Oh yeah, and I can just imagine with whom...” she muttered while crossing her arms and starring away from him.
His mouth twitched, and he wanted to ask what she was implying, but then he hesitated.
A younger girl next to him stared at both of them.
“Look, how about I just take them back? I don't feel like eating them any more.”
The last thing he needed was a scene in front of everybody.
“And you think this would make everything fine again?!”
Her voice got louder and he clenched his teeth.
The girl, that had just leant over to get some butter, raised her eyebrows at him and he gave her a polite smile that didn't reach his desperate looking eyes. She too pulled the corners of her mouth up and turned around to go, blinking rapidly while shooting her eyebrows up again.
“Listen, dear, I'm not sure what you're going on about but...”
“Oh, but you do! And I do too -- I know about everything that's going on!”
Her voice pierced his ears. No chance to stop her now.
“You and that... that... that little girl from next door. You thought I wouldn't notice that you were interested?“
He rubbed his neck, sharply breathing out.
Some people stoped to stare, some didn't even pretend to be shopping for food.
“Did you honestly think that I wouldn't see how she made eyes at you? Would overlook the fact that you repaired her toiled?”
He uncomfortably shifted from one leg to another.
“That was just once. She has nobody to do this for her, you kn--”
“She could always call a plumber – that's what they are there for!” she cut him off.
The her voice got quieter. “You always take forever to fix something if I ask you.”
He gulped as he looked at her hurt face.
Now that she stopped screaming he felt sorry for her even though he did nothing wrong.
Taking a step forward he laid his hand on her shoulder to reassure her but she slapped his hand away angrily.
“Just what gives you the right to touch me?”
She took a step back, ignoring the fact that she ran into a curious old lady that was now staring at her outraged.
“What gives you the right to ever touch me again?
You even buy mackerels for her. In public! In front of me! Do you feel no shame?”
His sympathy for her was gone.
Rubbing his face he shook his head.
Making a scene in the supermarket wasn't enough. Making him look like a complete asshole seemed to be part of the plan. Framing him for of things he didn't do – because of what?
Mackerels?
Or plain old insecurity?
“You know what? Do whatever the fuck you want.”
He took the mackerels out of the basket and moved to the till, trying to ignore the watery look on her face and the trembling lips that made his insides ache like he was doing something horrible wrong.
“I'm sleeping somewhere else tonight so don't wait for me.”
He breathed in shakily, hoping he wouldn't regret it.
Freestyle
He was breathing in the smell of her shampoo and stroked her soft hair.
Caleb noticed how it complimented her as he watched Fortune drawing some weird symbols into her notebook.
“I dislike it.”
She stopped writing for a moment to look him in the eyes, mustering him.
Biting her lip.
Turning back again.
“I see. I'm sorry.”
“That's all you have to say?”
She didn't even ask what it was.
“Is there something you'd like to add, love?”
He let go of her hair and sighed.
“Your... your smell.”
“Mmmh... I wanted to buy a new perfume anyway, I guess.”
“And your looks. Your style. Your hair.”
Not looking up she told him she was sorry.
“It's horrible, you know?”
Nodding.
Scribble, scribble, scribble.
No change in expression.
“You know, my friends are laughing at me. Making fun of me because of you.”
Fortune lifted her pencil for a moment, looking at him again.
She furrowed as if to empathise her apology while her eyes stayed indifferent.
Just as she started to write again Caleb pushed himself up from the bed, forcing her to stop writing again due to the shaking.
“Listen, I want some coffee. Go get me some.”
He stood up and walked up to the window, ignoring the bright evening sun as he closed his eyes and breathed out heavily.
He could hear her hesitation for a moment and his heartbeat quickened in hope for her next words.
But then Caleb heard the bed squeaking and soft footsteps moving away from him to the door.
He turned around, took a few big steps and grabbed her arm, pulling her back harshly.
“Just what is wrong with you?”
Big, brown eyes analysing him without emotion.
He let go of her arm.
“Just what happened to you...” Caleb corrected in a quieter voice.
“I'm not sure I know what you're talking about.”
“You...” he started, rubbing his eyes.
“You always, always stay on the safe side. You're always the nice girl and never yourself.”
“Look, Caleb, I'm not sure what's gotten into you but it's utterly nonsense. I am being myself.”
She frowned a little and he could see her eyebrow twitch.
“Yes, but of course,” he muttered to himself while starring at the floor.
“Jeez, ever crossed your mind that I'm just a -- what was it -- a nice girl? You know, like, all my life?”
His head yanked up.
“Oh, because being a nice girl means apologising for everything you didn't do and that is perfectly fine, yes?”
“So it's my fault for not noticing that you didn't mean what you said?”
Her eyebrows were raised in a way that he recognised from her younger self.
She nearly looked reproachful and he wondered if he had finally cracked her, but the she sighed and looked at the floor.
“I don't see what I did wrong here but I'm sorry for it, okay?”
He stared at her while she regained her indifferent posture, making him tense up again.
“I just remembered that I need to buy some coffee beans, I hope you don't mind that I leave now. Please remember to take your stuff when you're going, okay?”
She looked a second longer at him than needed and he ruffled his hear desperately.
“How am I supposed to fucking love you when I don't even know you?”
And that made her stop, made her slowly turn her head.
He mustered her back that was tensing up.
Saw her mouth opening after clenching her teeth.
Watched her leaving the room without replying anything at all.
--- x3
So, I'm now open for critique and new challenges.
(And I'll probably come back after someone has proofread this to update this version.)
Well, thank you for taking the time. =)
- R.
Last edited by Endorphin on Mon Apr 30, 2012 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
-
KimiYoriBaka
- Miko-Class Veteran
- Posts: 636
- Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 8:15 pm
- Projects: Castle of Arhannia
- Contact:
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
Your writing has less the feel of a person who doesn't know english, and more like someone who needs an editor. there's no really broken parts, so it's just on the level of being hard to tell what's a typo and what's incorrect grammar. Even so, your first post sounds like you want editing anyway, so I'll go ahead point stuff out from the first story. I'm not going to use quote tags, just cause it's annoying to do repeatedly
“Dear, what is that thing you put in there?”
-there's nothing particularly wrong with this, but it sounds weird to me.
"Her voice was a little shriller than usual, her eyes did not leave the ominous object as she asked this question."
-this needs either a semicolon instead of a comma, or a conjunction (e.g. "and her eyes..."
“Don't try to hide it.”, she snapped while her eyes narrowed."
-important: never put a punctuation mark right after a closing quotation mark. if the last sentence in the quote ends with a period, it should be changed to a comma. Otherwise, just use the punctuation for the last sentence in the quote. this includes ellipses.
“Well, and I don't.”
-the "and" isn't needed
“Oh yeah, and I can just imagine with who...”
-thought it'd be good to mention, just in case you didn't know, but technically, this should be "whom". I'm not sure from just what you've written so far, though, if the character is the type of person who would actually use "whom" as only very grammatically correct people ever use that word
"His mouth twitched and he wanted to ask what she was implying, but the he hesitated."
-bit of a nit-pick, but since you included the pronoun "he" in the second clause, there should be a comma before the "and"
"Look, how about I just bring them back?"
-it's hard to tell from the situation, but it feels like this should be "take them back?" instead.
"Last thing he needed was a scene in front of everybody."
-while it's true that most native speakers talk like this, the narrator really should include "The" at the beginning of the sentence
"Oh, but you do! And I do to - "
-two things about this. first is that it should be "too". second is that a dash is supposed to be written as two hyphen like so: "--" You also normally don't put a space before or after it
"metal roofer "
-it may just be that I've never heard this term before, but it sounds like you mean "plumber."
I don't have time to look through the second one right now
“Dear, what is that thing you put in there?”
-there's nothing particularly wrong with this, but it sounds weird to me.
"Her voice was a little shriller than usual, her eyes did not leave the ominous object as she asked this question."
-this needs either a semicolon instead of a comma, or a conjunction (e.g. "and her eyes..."
“Don't try to hide it.”, she snapped while her eyes narrowed."
-important: never put a punctuation mark right after a closing quotation mark. if the last sentence in the quote ends with a period, it should be changed to a comma. Otherwise, just use the punctuation for the last sentence in the quote. this includes ellipses.
“Well, and I don't.”
-the "and" isn't needed
“Oh yeah, and I can just imagine with who...”
-thought it'd be good to mention, just in case you didn't know, but technically, this should be "whom". I'm not sure from just what you've written so far, though, if the character is the type of person who would actually use "whom" as only very grammatically correct people ever use that word
"His mouth twitched and he wanted to ask what she was implying, but the he hesitated."
-bit of a nit-pick, but since you included the pronoun "he" in the second clause, there should be a comma before the "and"
"Look, how about I just bring them back?"
-it's hard to tell from the situation, but it feels like this should be "take them back?" instead.
"Last thing he needed was a scene in front of everybody."
-while it's true that most native speakers talk like this, the narrator really should include "The" at the beginning of the sentence
"Oh, but you do! And I do to - "
-two things about this. first is that it should be "too". second is that a dash is supposed to be written as two hyphen like so: "--" You also normally don't put a space before or after it
"metal roofer "
-it may just be that I've never heard this term before, but it sounds like you mean "plumber."
I don't have time to look through the second one right now
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
Awww, thank you, Kimi. <3
>never put a punctuation mark right after a closing quotation mark<
Oh, I didn't know this. O_O
I took the time to read an article about quotations marks now, and it looks interesting.
Thank you for pointing it out, I'll pay attention to it from now on. <3
>thought it'd be good to mention, just in case you didn't know, but technically, this should be "whom". I'm not sure from just what you've written so far, though, if the character is the type of person who would actually use "whom" as only very grammatically correct people ever use that word<
Ah, so it's rather uncommon? =o
I'll go read a bit about this who/m stuff, thanks. :>
>it's hard to tell from the situation, but it feels like this should be "take them back?" instead.<
Probably is, I don't even know why I used "bring". o__O
>while it's true that most native speakers talk like this, the narrator really should include "The" at the beginning of the sentence<
Oh, yes, you're right here. >_<
(I tend to write a bit informal as I'm used to have a fixed point of view, but seeing as I have a rather neutral narrator here I should definitely pay attention to this.)
>second is that a dash is supposed to be written as two hyphen like so: "--" You also normally don't put a space before or after it<
You mean like this? >And I do to--I know<
This will take some time to get used to.
(The grammar site even has an article about this - didn't know this had rules.)
I'll probably set spaces anyway (as it makes me nervous otherwise /fail) but I'll try to set two of them now. =)
>it may just be that I've never heard this term before, but it sounds like you mean "plumber."<
Yes, this is actually what I meant. :'D
I kind of have the feeling that my dictionary is a little bit strange sometimes.
I really appreciate that you took the time - you helped me out a lot. <3
I'm going to fix this now. Guess I can also look into "older" stories to fix the grammar issues there with my new knowledge.
Really, thank you. =w=
- R.
That's a... good thing, I guess?Your writing has less the feel of a person who doesn't know english, and more like someone who needs an editor. there's no really broken parts, so it's just on the level of being hard to tell what's a typo and what's incorrect grammar.
>never put a punctuation mark right after a closing quotation mark<
Oh, I didn't know this. O_O
I took the time to read an article about quotations marks now, and it looks interesting.
Thank you for pointing it out, I'll pay attention to it from now on. <3
>thought it'd be good to mention, just in case you didn't know, but technically, this should be "whom". I'm not sure from just what you've written so far, though, if the character is the type of person who would actually use "whom" as only very grammatically correct people ever use that word<
Ah, so it's rather uncommon? =o
I'll go read a bit about this who/m stuff, thanks. :>
>it's hard to tell from the situation, but it feels like this should be "take them back?" instead.<
Probably is, I don't even know why I used "bring". o__O
>while it's true that most native speakers talk like this, the narrator really should include "The" at the beginning of the sentence<
Oh, yes, you're right here. >_<
(I tend to write a bit informal as I'm used to have a fixed point of view, but seeing as I have a rather neutral narrator here I should definitely pay attention to this.)
>second is that a dash is supposed to be written as two hyphen like so: "--" You also normally don't put a space before or after it<
You mean like this? >And I do to--I know<
This will take some time to get used to.
(The grammar site even has an article about this - didn't know this had rules.)
I'll probably set spaces anyway (as it makes me nervous otherwise /fail) but I'll try to set two of them now. =)
>it may just be that I've never heard this term before, but it sounds like you mean "plumber."<
Yes, this is actually what I meant. :'D
I kind of have the feeling that my dictionary is a little bit strange sometimes.
I really appreciate that you took the time - you helped me out a lot. <3
I'm going to fix this now. Guess I can also look into "older" stories to fix the grammar issues there with my new knowledge.
Really, thank you. =w=
- R.
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
I wrote commentary, closed this, wrote it again, closed it again and just removed it all. There's just no way I can write this thoroughly without compromising my own values.
I like the dialogue in both. To the point, not forced, devoid of fancy-pancy theatrics and all. I'd consider them the strongest point of the writing.
I'm less fond of the descriptions. Things like "ominous object" (a mackerel is not ominous at all), where you use more adjectives than you really ought to be using. There are a number of times you go into detail beyond what's really necessary, which makes it feel suitable to distil a screenplay from, but not something I'd say is fantastic for writing.
More is less, they say: when you take away everything that doesn't need to be described, you are left with the core essence of the tale. Sometimes you use more words than necessary, and I guess the best way to show is by stripping your writing a bit. As in:
"A little shriller" or "shriller"─it doesn't matter. It's shriller than it usually is. When she responds to his 'innocence' with "don't try to hide it" (or "don't pretend you don't know"), it's already evident she doesn't intend to let him get away with playing innocent, so it's not necessary to repeat it in narration.
Try to find a happy medium in writing where you leave out everything that isn't necessary to state explicitly, and leave only what you feel the reader cannot know unless you tell them.
The implications of all actions will definitely not be lost on the reader.
I like the dialogue in both. To the point, not forced, devoid of fancy-pancy theatrics and all. I'd consider them the strongest point of the writing.
I'm less fond of the descriptions. Things like "ominous object" (a mackerel is not ominous at all), where you use more adjectives than you really ought to be using. There are a number of times you go into detail beyond what's really necessary, which makes it feel suitable to distil a screenplay from, but not something I'd say is fantastic for writing.
More is less, they say: when you take away everything that doesn't need to be described, you are left with the core essence of the tale. Sometimes you use more words than necessary, and I guess the best way to show is by stripping your writing a bit. As in:
toOriginal wrote:“Dear, what is that thing you put in there?”
Her voice was a little shriller than usual; her eyes did not leave the ominous object as she asked this question.
“Eh?”
He turned around and started looking around in the basket as if to find something that didn't belong there.
“Don't try to hide it,” she snapped while her eyes narrowed.
Really, playing innocent wouldn't save him this time. Not this time.
As a writer, you are telling us a story, and thus you know best what is going on. Descriptions like "as if to find something" make the action an uncertainty, while you certainly know what he is doing. The more things are stated clearly, the clearer the material becomes for the reader. The less you add superfluous descriptions, the tighter the writing becomes, and the more the reader can use their imagination.Shorter wrote:"Dear, what'd you just put in?" she asked, her voice shriller than usual, her eyes on the mackerel.
"Eh?" He turned to search the basket.
"Don't pretend you don't know," she snapped, her eyes narrowing.
"A little shriller" or "shriller"─it doesn't matter. It's shriller than it usually is. When she responds to his 'innocence' with "don't try to hide it" (or "don't pretend you don't know"), it's already evident she doesn't intend to let him get away with playing innocent, so it's not necessary to repeat it in narration.
Try to find a happy medium in writing where you leave out everything that isn't necessary to state explicitly, and leave only what you feel the reader cannot know unless you tell them.
The implications of all actions will definitely not be lost on the reader.
Re: [OPEN] Let's Level - Ryouko's Training Ground
Sounds hard, I guess? xDI wrote commentary, closed this, wrote it again, closed it again and just removed it all. There's just no way I can write this thoroughly without compromising my own values.
(Even though the last sentence confuses me - it's either the fact that it's 5 a.m. or just me being generally slow on the uptake.)
Thank you for your feedback. :>
Yeah, I kinda always knew that descriptions are the things I suck in. >_<
Never tried to make them nice as I usually write game scenes only (if ever /fail), which means that the descriptions are either replaced by images or told by the speaker which displays his point of view.
You're right that I should pay attention to them when writing something different the the usual scene outline - I'll just cut away whatever is not necessary.
I'm just glad that you like the dialogue. =w=
Thank you for taking the time to review this. :>
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