flaws in my sotory (as a visual novel)

[elhlyn]

well my story to sum it up is the romance between 2 character who travel across fictional feudal japan. the main hero, Ao, is a Samurai who is two faced (as in he treats peasants and lower classes much differently towards nobles and samurais) and is also rather passionate over things he likes. The main heroine, Kyoko, was a shrine maiden who later discovers that she is partially a noble (her father is a warlord who slept with her mother by accident) She loves reading romance novels/manga (yes i know Mangas weren't invented until after world war 2)

in the beginning to middle part of the story they fall in love and form a relationship together and shortly after get married (their marriage is for political reason) Kyoko wanted her "love life" to be in just like a romance novel. so she goes out on her way making these "romantic events" like feeding each other or going to a spa trip together, and what not. and it does bother Ao.

unfortunately, This story is extremely linear, meaning there will be little to no dialogue choice and it doesn't change the story at all. The second problem is that it really doesn't have a drive. when I mean drive I mean like what makes the reader want to continue to read (asides admirable characters and lush description) it really doesn't have a drive when you think about it. I mean in most romance stories its the drive between 2 characters falling in love where in the end 1 guy or girl says "I love you" or something like that. my story however has that sort of confession in the beginning to middle section. if that's out what's keeping the story to go on. I guess the drive could be that its sort of the what happens after the big confession is like but it has no climax as far as I am aware of.

any advice or opinions?

[Zylinder]

Well, I think the whole thing will work better as a KN, and forcing yourself to make it a VN is doing it no favors. That aside, you can always make a successful relationship as a goal. That they love each other is a given, but love does not an excellent relationship maketh. You can make it that they can either a) stay together or b) go their separate ways/fall out on love depending on the player's choices. It's a much more realistic take on love, IMO.

I think it's kind of strange that a proper maiden from feudal Japan would be so bold, but then again, there's a game about Pokemon and Nobunaga Oda, so what the hell. Freedom to be creative and all that.

[fleet]

Add a conflict. This could be any of the following
He gets called to battle and suffers an injury; she nurses him back to health.
A romantic rival enters the picture (you said they married for political reasons).
Have the two-faced Samurai encounter a situation that causes him to reassess his treatment of others.

[SusanTheCat]

Add a conflict.

More conflicts:
- His family get their marriage annulled so he can marry another. Has our heroine built their love enough for him to defy his family?
- The couple is separated by something (Flooding river, village with strict male/female interaction laws) Will he risk ________ to be rejoined with her? Or will she be the one doing the rejoining?
- disaster strikes a poor village and a noble house. Which does the samurai go to save?

Them traveling gives a good framework to have several smaller conflicts.

Susan

[Greeny]

I'd say including manga in an otherwise historical story is a pretty major flaw.
But the Japanese have, since a very long time, had illustrated romance stories. So I'd say it's fairly simple to replace "manga" with a more historically accurate version.

[Flowers from Nowhere]

When I'm trying to work out the main conflict for a story I like to write out the main idea of what the story is trying to accomplish in one or two sentences.

From your summary it looks to me like a coming of age story. Your hero and heroine are forced into a situation very different than the ways they pictured their lives going and must figure out for themselves how to deal with it. Your shrine maiden is married to someone not as shiny-white-knight as she had imagined and your samurai (less sure about this one) may have been expecting a very submissive wife who just leaves him alone to do his own thing as opposed to a fluffy romantic who keeps wanting to talk with him.

the main hero, Ao, is a Samurai who is two faced (as in he treats peasants and lower classes much differently towards nobles and samurais)

I don't have a very clear understanding of Japanese history so this may not be an issue but why is the samurai marrying the shrine maiden? It sounds as though he looks down on commoners. Is it her shrine maiden status or her noble father that elevates her enough out of the peasantry to marry Ao? Could there be some situation forcing him to marry a girl he believes is beneath him? This would give you both the conflict of whatever that situation is and more angst for their relationship to overcome.

Also...

her father is a warlord who slept with her mother by accident

... how do you sleep with someone by accident?

[OokamiKasumi]

her father is a warlord who slept with her mother by accident

How do you sleep with someone by accident?

ALCOHOL.
-- Drunks regularly wander into strange places they think they recognize. They'll also have sex with total strangers thinking that they're someone they know. If the 'stranger' is a subordinate, (such as a house-maid,) they may be too terrified of losing their job/position to resist.

[Flowers from Nowhere]

If the 'stranger' is a subordinate, (such as a house-maid,) a they may be too terrified of losing their job/position to resist.

I am by no means telling you to change this part of your story. What I am telling you is to be careful. Rape in any form is a very touchy subject and I have been horrified by way too many stories which use it as a throw away plot device or worse: comic relief.

Of course, this being twenty-ish years ago in the backstory (and therefore probably not a big focus of the plot) I'm probably blowing this way out of proportion posting about it. I just wanted to point it out.

I hope I haven't freaked you out by getting so dark about this. I really do love your ideas.

[elhlyn]

her father is a warlord who slept with her mother by accident

How do you sleep with someone by accident?

ALCOHOL.
-- Drunks regularly wander into strange places they think they recognize. They'll also have sex with total strangers thinking that they're someone they know. If the 'stranger' is a subordinate, (such as a house-maid,) they may be too terrified of losing their job/position to resist.

the accident was to the warlord's part (And a bit of alcohol)

the thing was that the mother is the twin sister of the warlord's wife. While her reason seems to be unknown (as in I haven't thought out why, yeah I know its a bad practice)

[elhlyn]

When I'm trying to work out the main conflict for a story I like to write out the main idea of what the story is trying to accomplish in one or two sentences.

From your summary it looks to me like a coming of age story. Your hero and heroine are forced into a situation very different than the ways they pictured their lives going and must figure out for themselves how to deal with it. Your shrine maiden is married to someone not as shiny-white-knight as she had imagined and your samurai (less sure about this one) may have been expecting a very submissive wife who just leaves him alone to do his own thing as opposed to a fluffy romantic who keeps wanting to talk with him.

actually you got the idea down that is a conflict between the 2 character's ideals of their partner (yeah I'm putting more of a modern "romance ideals" in to this sort of age, which is inaccurate ah ha) but what the Samurai, Ao, wants is like a Sen-hime like character. Sen-hime means War princess or basically a female warrior. This was strongly due to how he loved reading the Ballad of Mulan. This meant that he wanted strong willed girls both physically and personally who fights for who they care about the most (not necessarily himself)
The shrine maiden, Kyoko, have Ideals to have a romantic lover who live up to expectations in romance novels (that again, have more of a modern romance ideals). such as that her lover would die for her, care about her well being and interests, and prepare wondrous amazing things for her lover (I.E. throwing a massive party) She follows this sort of "Standard" so to speak calling it the 4-5 pillars of love. basically to her its a checklist of 4 things the person in question (in this case Ao) must fulfill to proceed to the 6th pillar. the 5 are origins (how they met), Experince, loyalty, and tension. the 5th one is confession.

Kyoko acted out her ideals more than Ao (because it's sort of a dirty little secret to Ao that he sort of fell in love with a fictional character) but Ao does in fact try to make Kyoko at least good in fighting (teaching her fighting styles and even bringing her to a battlefield once) though to Ao's mixed-feeling delight Kyoko is partially fond of European muskets

the main hero, Ao, is a Samurai who is two faced (as in he treats peasants and lower classes much differently towards nobles and samurais)

I don't have a very clear understanding of Japanese history so this may not be an issue but why is the samurai marrying the shrine maiden? It sounds as though he looks down on commoners. Is it her shrine maiden status or her noble father that elevates her enough out of the peasantry to marry Ao? Could there be some situation forcing him to marry a girl he believes is beneath him? This would give you both the conflict of whatever that situation is and more angst for their relationship to overcome.
[/quote]
The reason being is that He does fall in love with her as the 2 become travel companions (2 times they had to act like a married couple) and the reason being why Ao (the main character) fell in love with the Shrine maiden was that she was very accepting of Ao and rather honest to him (while other people due to his personality kept it a secret and talked about it behind his back)
The 2 do get married not for love despite them being in a romantic relationship; His new Daimyo/lord (who accepted him in to the clan because one of his loyal retainers was Ao's older brother), Matsudaira Mottoyasu (later changed his name to Tokugawa Ieyasu) Wanted to have the shrine maiden (now technically a princess)'s younger brother (Who is the head of the clan) to for an alliance.

The 2 main conflict in the relationship is mainly Ao's fault so to speak. The ideas of Harems came about when they first meet people who had multiple wives (who all love him) and what not. Ao's thought of having a harem isn't that bad (since it was socially acceptable) and even in the middle of the story, Toyotomi Hideyoshi made fun of him not being able to have 3 wives (like him). Hideyoshi said it as a joke but Ao sort of took it seriously. This was also a problem since they are going to south Kyushu. this was a problem since the ruling clan (Shimazu) consisted of female warlord and warriors. this was like Sen-hime central (Ao's fetish)

The second conflict is Ao's involvement in wars. Ao while staying with the Matsudaira Domain lead skirmishes, like defending villages on the border, transporting supplies to allied clans, and such. Kyoko strongly dislikes Ao's involvement in fighting because he could get hurt or die in these battles. Ao participated in 3 major battles. 1 was leading reinforcements from a stronger clan to push away the enemy clan threatening Ieyasu, the 2nd one was a battle which Ieyasu and Ao horribly lost, Ao barely escaped alive but got shot in the ass. the last battle was the battle of sekigahara which he joined the Red-devils led by Li-Naomasa. He got Shot chasing after an enemy general with Naomasa in the chest. Kyoko gets very angry at him with his "risky fighting styles*. Note that Ao does manage to heal from his wounds. Naomasa did not.

[wulfae]

If Ao is secretly in love with a fictional female warrior, I'm not quite sure why he's falling for your heroine. Why are they travelling together in the first place?

If Ao's ideal is a strong warrior woman, will Kyoko eventually fill that roll, but in her own way? What I mean is, will she find the strength in her 'romantic love' to be able to fight? To defend him, or a town? Maybe she disagrees with him on something, and winds up fighting against him, even though she loves him?

The way it's worded right now, with him trying to make her good at some form of martial art, makes it sound like he's trying to change her into his ideal. Perhaps that's part of what he starts doing? And then he recognises strength in her that is different than his 'Mulan', but still strong.

I'm also not sure about her being against him going into battles. He's a *samurai*, that's what he does. You don't get the spouse of a soldier telling their loved one not to fight wherever they're deployed, though there might be serious consequences. That is the job of a soldier. If you really wanted to have this conflict, maybe have it be something that Kyoko matures about, through the course of the story? That she accepts that he has to fight, and that he might die... But that if he didn't, he wouldn't be the strong warrior that she fell in love with.

It seems like a lot of your story is concentrating on Ao's actions, and how he is going to push the plot forward. Besides being romantic, what is Kyoko going to do?

Now that I'm thinking about it, this could almost play out as a 'buddy cop' movie. They can barely stand each other at first, but through shared experiences they learn that they have skills that the other lacks, and that they make a pretty good team after all.

[elhlyn]

If Ao is secretly in love with a fictional female warrior, I'm not quite sure why he's falling for your heroine. Why are they travelling together in the first place?

okay what I meant to say was that He sort of thought " This is my ideal woman" same kind of thing happens with another character (Ieyasu) but instead he wanted a yamato nadeshiko (Aka the ideal Japanese wife who is loyal, wise, quiet but knows when to speak up and fight, etc) but his ideals were shattered when he was told to marry the daimyo of the Shimazu domain, Yoshihiro. Yoshihiro comes from a clan of female warriors and feminists. she is very loyal and sometimes wise, but she is almost never quiet but she will fight for what she believes in.

okay kinda got side-tracked but anyways. the thing was that Ao traveled with Kyoko because he was running away. Kyoko is going to north Japan to visit her mother. Ao decides to tag along when she plans to leave, offering "protection, since this is the warring states,"

If Ao's ideal is a strong warrior woman, will Kyoko eventually fill that roll, but in her own way? What I mean is, will she find the strength in her 'romantic love' to be able to fight? To defend him, or a town? Maybe she disagrees with him on something, and winds up fighting against him, even though she loves him?[/quote]
the original thought was that Kyoko would be very talented with the spear (because Naginatas are too mainstream ah ha ha just kidding) this was sort of a slap "talent" so it wouldn't make Kyoko look useless. But the obvious problem is that how is she good? she has no influence from any sort of fighting, especially as a shrine maiden.

Then I heard that Monks go in to battle doing prayers for the deceased mid-battle. and I thought that maybe Kyoko might do something like that, but then again it doesn't seem like a good idea (as it seemed too unrealistic so i dismissed that idea) She does in fact use a musket

The way it's worded right now, with him trying to make her good at some form of martial art, makes it sound like he's trying to change her into his ideal. Perhaps that's part of what he starts doing? And then he recognizes strength in her that is different than his 'Mulan', but still strong.

yeah its true but Kyoko does the same thing to Ao (make him more passionate and romantic) more frequently and strongly. Ao does try to mold her to his ideals far later in the story. Kyoko practically does this for the start (when she starts to like him)

I'm also not sure about her being against him going into battles. He's a *samurai*, that's what he does. You don't get the spouse of a soldier telling their loved one not to fight wherever they're deployed, though there might be serious consequences. That is the job of a soldier. If you really wanted to have this conflict, maybe have it be something that Kyoko matures about, through the course of the story? That she accepts that he has to fight, and that he might die... But that if he didn't, he wouldn't be the strong warrior that she fell in love with.

Ao studies and trains in tactics and horse fighting. He's basically a commander. what he's really suppose to do like the others is to sit on his chair in the back of the battlefield waving his fan and ordering out orders, to see who can out maneuver the enemy general.

Ao gives his mean simple tactics and goes out in to the battlefield and and fights on horse. He does risky techniques where after having his men fire arrows, bullets, whatever is used at the time and strike the disoriented and weakened enemy while delayed projectiles come at him or the enemy. thatsort of risky fighting style got him shot in the shoulder by an arrow (but it didn't go pass the armor)

and also its mainly sort of a selfish thing because she doesn't want Ao to die because she'll be lonely until she dies.

It seems like a lot of your story is concentrating on Ao's actions, and how he is going to push the plot forward. Besides being romantic, what is Kyoko going to do?

Now that I'm thinking about it, this could almost play out as a 'buddy cop' movie. They can barely stand each other at first, but through shared experiences they learn that they have skills that the other lacks, and that they make a pretty good team after all.

well the last one is well, eeeh I don't want it to be like that, like they become good friends and what not and the main point is the struggle between their ideals of what they want the other to be.

they can stand each other and that's actually the main reason why Ao fell in love with Kyoko; she can tolerate him. Ao (when he comes back to their home town) ends up running in to his subordinate. they talked and Ao introduces him to Kyoko. Ao decides to buy snacks for the 3 and leaves a moment. the subordinate talks to Kyoko, saying something like " wow how did you manage to put up with that idiot?" he complains about how Ao is thrusting "stupid Chinese ideals that he got from some books" and such. He mentioned how he had to do it just so he be promoted, laughing at his stupid jokes and what not. unfortunately Ao heard the whole entire thing. he calmly gives them the snacks and said that he had to go and do some errands. he started to walk fast, which turned in to running. Kyoko cashed after him as Ao goes in to a corner of his nanny (which then turns out to be his mother)'s shop. he cries. and when Kyoko comes over and tries to comfort him, Ao starts to cry and accuses Kyoko that she really doesn't care about him. She disagrees and said she really cares about Ao.

and then later on that night Ao confesses his love to her.
why koyko likes him is something I didn't think about

[v3-kei]

She loves reading romance novels/manga (yes i know Mangas weren't invented until after world war 2)
...
Kyoko wanted her "love life" to be in just like a romance novel. so she goes out on her way making these "romantic events" like feeding each other or going to a spa trip together, and what not. and it does bother Ao.

I think Kyoko will better be off without reading manga. I know that this is fictional, but your story can be both fictional AND believeable. I believe you've heard Genji Monogatari? Shoujo manga-like novels written by noblewoman was very popular ever since Heian era, and it did help to set the young maiden's mind to believe in an idealistic love life. What I am saying is, Kyoko's ideals on love doesn't have to come from a manga~

Also, about Kyoko as a Shrine Maiden:
I believe it is more common practice in Feudal Japan's nobles to send their child (legitimate or not) to Buddhist temples instead of Shinto shrines. The reason is that, at the time, Buddhist temples has a rather equal power to nobles due to being in favor of the emperors in that generation, and thus can give protections (anonymously or not) to people who seek for it. In fact, shrine maidens at warring period has an ugly connotations with prostitutions, as they are viewed more as performers rather than religious figures.

Interesting notion here is that Kyoko will eventually be married to Ao: if Kyoko is under protection from temple even though she isn't a female monk herself, she can still keep her hair and get married~ ^_^

actually you got the idea down that is a conflict between the 2 character's ideals of their partner (yeah I'm putting more of a modern "romance ideals" in to this sort of age, which is inaccurate ah ha) but what the Samurai, Ao, wants is like a Sen-hime like character. Sen-hime means War princess or basically a female warrior. This was strongly due to how he loved reading the Ballad of Mulan. This meant that he wanted strong willed girls both physically and personally who fights for who they care about the most (not necessarily himself)

Here comes bizzare suggestion: Why not make Ao originally has homosexual tendencies?

If the qualities he admires in a person are strong will both physically and mentally, and fights for what they care the most, that person might as well as be his superior. Homosexuality is practised in feudal Japan, though to soften it out, you can always say he has huge admirations for men and thus he never gets attracted to girls, which are different. Admiration between males are strongly encouraged to have a more united army, I believe.

Also, Sen-hime that I know of in that area is more to the daughter of Tokugawa Ieyasu (with kanji meaning "thousand" instead of "war" in her name). I also haven't come across an account of Shimazu clan has many female warriors, although I will be very glad to be educated in this. XD

okay what I meant to say was that He sort of thought " This is my ideal woman" same kind of thing happens with another character (Ieyasu) but instead he wanted a yamato nadeshiko (Aka the ideal Japanese wife who is loyal, wise, quiet but knows when to speak up and fight, etc) but his ideals were shattered when he was told to marry the daimyo of the Shimazu domain, Yoshihiro. Yoshihiro comes from a clan of female warriors and feminists. she is very loyal and sometimes wise, but she is almost never quiet but she will fight for what she believes in.

Uhm... Yoshihiro is totally a male's name. Unless you involve a bit genderbending here, the daimyo is totally a male. //just arrives from wiki

Also, just a tidbit of information, the girls in that era usually has prefix O- attached to their names. As such, to be accurate, Kyoko should be Okyo, and this stays true to shiren maidens. Female monks, in the other hand, usually change their names to reflect Buddhism values. Long, traditional names. However, if she is a Lord's legitimate daughter, then she could be called Kyo-hime (they tend to use only the first kanji in front of -hime). Just a tidbit. ^^

the original thought was that Kyoko would be very talented with the spear (because Naginatas are too mainstream ah ha ha just kidding) this was sort of a slap "talent" so it wouldn't make Kyoko look useless. But the obvious problem is that how is she good? she has no influence from any sort of fighting, especially as a shrine maiden.

Then I heard that Monks go in to battle doing prayers for the deceased mid-battle. and I thought that maybe Kyoko might do something like that, but then again it doesn't seem like a good idea (as it seemed too unrealistic so i dismissed that idea) She does in fact use a musket

Well, you can always have Ao teaching Kyoko to protect herself to veil his hidden agenda to make Kyoko his ideal women, I guess?

And a musket, hm... I find it even harder to believe than if she uses naginata or spear. ^_^;;

~~~
In the whole view, however, I really like the story! I like the process of how Kyoko and Ao can like each other, I find other tidbits believable. I believe if Kyoko progresses as a more mature girl throughout the game, it will be an even better premise, however, since as of now, I think she is slightly pushy. ^_^;;

[elhlyn]

I think Kyoko will better be off without reading manga. I know that this is fictional, but your story can be both fictional AND believeable. I believe you've heard Genji Monogatari? Shoujo manga-like novels written by noblewoman was very popular ever since Heian era, and it did help to set the young maiden's mind to believe in an idealistic love life. What I am saying is, Kyoko's ideals on love doesn't have to come from a manga~

The reason I said manga was because that a lot of the stereotypes/ genre/ and archetypes that came from Mangas. for example Ao likes reading this light novel/manga/novel about this tsundere warrior princess, which kyoko stumbles upon later on and humurously tries to act like that character to please Ao. I assume that the word tsundere came around because of manga.... then again I could be wrong.

Also, about Kyoko as a Shrine Maiden:
I believe it is more common practice in Feudal Japan's nobles to send their child (legitimate or not) to Buddhist temples instead of Shinto shrines. The reason is that, at the time, Buddhist temples has a rather equal power to nobles due to being in favor of the emperors in that generation, and thus can give protections (anonymously or not) to people who seek for it. In fact, shrine maidens at warring period has an ugly connotations with prostitutions, as they are viewed more as performers rather than religious figures.

Interesting notion here is that Kyoko will eventually be married to Ao: if Kyoko is under protection from temple even though she isn't a female monk herself, she can still keep her hair and get married~ ^_^

it appears that I didn't study well on that subject, I'm not sure how Shintoism and Buddhism religions work in feudal japan despite those 2 characters being related to religion (Kyoko as a shrine maiden and Ao dressing as a warrior monk, despite him not being that religious at all.

perhaps you can help me out how this religion system works with Shintoism and Buddhism as well as what and how shrine maidens work and act.

Here comes bizzare suggestion: Why not make Ao originally has homosexual tendencies?

If the qualities he admires in a person are strong will both physically and mentally, and fights for what they care the most, that person might as well as be his superior. Homosexuality is practised in feudal Japan, though to soften it out, you can always say he has huge admirations for men and thus he never gets attracted to girls, which are different. Admiration between males are strongly encouraged to have a more united army, I believe.

Also, Sen-hime that I know of in that area is more to the daughter of Tokugawa Ieyasu (with kanji meaning "thousand" instead of "war" in her name). I also haven't come across an account of Shimazu clan has many female warriors, although I will be very glad to be educated in this. XD

Uhm... Yoshihiro is totally a male's name. Unless you involve a bit genderbending here, the daimyo is totally a male. //just arrives from wiki

Also, just a tidbit of information, the girls in that era usually has prefix O- attached to their names. As such, to be accurate, Kyoko should be Okyo, and this stays true to shiren maidens. Female monks, in the other hand, usually change their names to reflect Buddhism values. Long, traditional names. However, if she is a Lord's legitimate daughter, then she could be called Kyo-hime (they tend to use only the first kanji in front of -hime). Just a tidbit. ^^

Yes I am practically gender bending ALL of the Samurais in the Shimazu clan. I basically made the clan have the gender roles switch (the males act like supporters while the women do most of the guy's work.

and yes I am aware of Senhime but however I sort of switched a lot of things where it is inaccurate such as Senhime being at around the same age as Ieyasu and not being Ieyasu's daughter but distant relative.

and also Kyoko is not the Lord's legitimate daughter.

And also that I'm not sure how to give Ao that sort of tendency because before he had a crush on the princess (his lord's daughter) and was in fact about to marry her. But due to rising danger he encounters. A rival spouse wants to marry The princess but the princess much rather choose Ao because of the numerous times he helped her and mainly that it was a quick excuse not to marry the spouse. So the spouse had numerous attempt to murder Ao through assassins and what not and Ao, thinking it was a good idea to run away, Ran away, which leads to him encountering Kyoko as he passes out from sleep deprivation.
This also becomes another conflict with Kyoko since that When they visit their home town again the princess went missing; she was assumed to be killed on her way travelling to another province (a battle was raging on and the rival clan attacked her) Ao finds it hard to believe and he wants to find her, even though Ao confesses his love to Kyoko. Kyoko doesn't want Ao to have multiple lovers (as a Harem not cheating) since its becoming popular so to speak around samurais.

Well, you can always have Ao teaching Kyoko to protect herself to veil his hidden agenda to make Kyoko his ideal women, I guess?

And a musket, hm... I find it even harder to believe than if she uses naginata or spear. ^_^;;

I chose the musket mainly because it was easier to master for someone who never touched weapons (hence it's effectiveness in later battles) and also because there was a character who is a skilled marksman from the ito clan (peasant soldier) He does later on teach a small section of shimazu musketeers to be snipers (they had those)

~~~
In the whole view, however, I really like the story! I like the process of how Kyoko and Ao can like each other, I find other tidbits believable. I believe if Kyoko progresses as a more mature girl throughout the game, it will be an even better premise, however, since as of now, I think she is slightly pushy. ^_^;;

mmhm
There's going to be one scene where Ao confesses his love to Kyoko. however, he messes up on the confession (makes it sounds awkward) and Kyoko yells/scold at him for screwing up the most important part. So she makes him start all over with his confession

and they don't even kiss until later later on (she's expecting it to be for something special)

[v3-kei]

The reason I said manga was because that a lot of the stereotypes/ genre/ and archetypes that came from Mangas. for example Ao likes reading this light novel/manga/novel about this tsundere warrior princess, which kyoko stumbles upon later on and humurously tries to act like that character to please Ao. I assume that the word tsundere came around because of manga.... then again I could be wrong.

Alright, so what if the AU part is that, instead using shoujo manga, but the term "tsundere" itself appears in the novels? Besides, generals are supposed to be well versed as well as being a good fighter, so they must educate themselves with reading rliterature.

It appears that I didn't study well on that subject, I'm not sure how Shintoism and Buddhism religions work in feudal japan despite those 2 characters being related to religion (Kyoko as a shrine maiden and Ao dressing as a warrior monk, despite him not being that religious at all.

perhaps you can help me out how this religion system works with Shintoism and Buddhism as well as what and how shrine maidens work and act.

So are you bent on making Kyoko shrine maiden? Well, I can point out the tidbits. (and "shrine maiden" does sound cooler than "female monk") but a lot of aspects in your story is going to have modification to be at least culturally relevant. ^_^;

Yes I am practically gender bending ALL of the Samurais in the Shimazu clan. I basically made the clan have the gender roles switch (the males act like supporters while the women do most of the guy's work.

Then how about changing the name? Typically adding "-ko" after the first kanji is used So "Yoshihiro" becomes "Yoshiko", etc.

and yes I am aware of Senhime but however I sort of switched a lot of things where it is inaccurate such as Senhime being at around the same age as Ieyasu and not being Ieyasu's daughter but distant relative.

Oh, I thought you were using "Sen-hime" as a term of "warrior princess", not the actual person. Okay, this explains a lot.

and also Kyoko is not the Lord's legitimate daughter.

That's why I said "if". ^_^

I chose the musket mainly because it was easier to master for someone who never touched weapons (hence it's effectiveness in later battles) and also because there was a character who is a skilled marksman from the ito clan (peasant soldier) He does later on teach a small section of shimazu musketeers to be snipers (they had those)

Muskeet... I believe it's different from matchlock firearm (the ones popularly used by Nobunaga's army, and later, the other warlords)? Also, the ones capable of using firearms is really those who are more capable and highly trained, specialized troop instead of common soldier who never touch weapon. If Kyoko is still going to be a miko, traditional Japanese bow and arrow is more likely, in my opinion. ("Yari" or spear is reliable too and is the most commonly used weapon in Sengoku wars.)

And about Kyoko becomes more mature, is more to how she is going to be pushy with Ao about how he shouldn't go to war while being a general himself--- maybe the story development could show that she, also, changes. Wiser, more mature. Just like Ao changes in his fetishism. XD