My writing and poems - please leave your thoughts!

[TsukiShima]

Hello, I decided to open a new thread after leaving the old one to dust.

Other than wanting to be a free-lance artist, I also dream to be a writer. But I have to admit that my writing and English needs to be brushed up more. I want to write more stories, not only in VN medium, but also in form of short stories, novela and comics. However some of my problems are my lack of creativity, literature knowledge and writing.

Therefore, this will be the thread where I'll leave my writing to be seen and critique by others. You can be honest and harsh as you can, I want to improve! Please point out any mistakes you can find, or any details that you think is awkward in my writing.

I don't have any short stories to show for now, but I've tried writing a poem.

How did you lived your life so long?
How did you became so strong?
When did you came to know love?
How did your life went so wrong?

Was it the person you care so dear
Who turned and pained the other?
How much was the pain you had to bear
Inflicted by someone you hold so dear?

Was it painful to see?
Realizing your life can never be
Like once you know you had always lived.

But please don't fear
Don't regret the days you hold so dear
Because one day you will come to realize
You were always loved.

What do you think? Is it deep enough? Is the story and message is obvious in the poem?

[Talann]

In my opinion, this poem actually shows what the writer is trying to say. It is really emotional, and I loved it, great job. Though, I found quite a bit of grammar errors, but that's fine. Other than that, there's nothing wrong with it and I just love it

How did you lived your life so long?
How did you live your life for so long?
How did you became so strong?
How did you become so strong?
When did you came to know love?
When did you get to know love?
How did your life went so wrong?
How did your life go so wrong?

Was it the person you care so dear
Was it the person whom you cared for so dear,
Who turned and pained the other?
Who turned and pained you?
How much was the pain you had to bear
How much was the pain that you had to bear?
Inflicted by someone you hold so dear?
Inflicted by someone you held so dear?

Was it painful to see?
Was it so painful to see that,
Realizing your life can never be
your life can never be
Like once you know you had always lived.
Like you have always lived.

But please don't fear
Don't regret the days you hold so dear
Because one day you will come to realize
You were always loved.

[Amy]

I agree with Talann's grammatical corrections.
Aside from that, this poem is very clear and direct, apart from the third stanza, which is a bit awkwardly phrased. What did you mean by it?
If you incorporate this into a story, it could make a very powerful scene. It looks like it contains a story, don't you think so? It looks like it should have characters and a plot. (As it is, without context, it's a bit... Floaty? I'm not sure. It just looks like it has unrealised potential.)
Also, the rhyme scheme across the last two stanzas is interesting. :3
Keep it up!

[TsukiShima]

Thank you so much, both of you!

I'll make sure to watch out for my grammars next time. I'm happy that you both liked the poem. I guess the third stanza can be the climax, I wonder if that 'awkwardly phrased' is a bad thing? I did made this poem based on an existing story, and it's directed to the character.

Also, I tried to search for some stories that I have made before, and I found this, though I never finished it. It was named 3 Days to Live. (shamefully, it was for fanfiction purpose, obviously. I decided not to change the names. For those of you who recognized which series they came from, let's keep quiet. For those who doesn't, please just ignore.)

He looked up to the empty ceiling, with his hand placed on his forehead.

His eyes were red and swollen, while his nose was still running.

“It’s… really.. going to happen, isn’t it?” Arthur mumbled.

He chuckled weakly. “Darn it, thinking about it, there are so many regrets in my life, I don’t even know where to begin with.”

He grabbed out a diary that he kept hidden under his pillow, and opened it, revealing most of the written pages and pictures kept inside.

He went through them, one by one.

He looked at the first few pages, which contained the memories of him as a kid. The pictures of his brothers, though as annoying as they were, they were still his brothers, and they did raised him well. Even though they he usually claimed that he hated that them, he did, and always, loved them.

Then he found a few pictures of him and his long-life rival, Francis. Surprisingly, Arthur did keep a few numbers of pictures of him and them together. Francis wasn’t that bad when during their childhood, he even helped him a few times, and before he turned to be how he is now. Yet how did they lasted this long, he would never know. How a fool he was. Arthur laughed at himself.

Arthur turned to the next page and saw a few pictures of Alfred during his childhood. Ah, this must be his teenage years, where he had found Alfred and took him in as one of his family. Alfred was so small and cute that time, he cared for him dearly, and oh, how much he grew after that. Arthur smiled gently when he went through the diaries he wrote about him and Alfred. All of them were his happiest times. Even though they are no longer together, Arthur never blamed Alfred even for a second. Because all the moments they spent were far more than he could ask for.

Then the pictures of the present days.

He had all of them, even the people he wasn’t very fond of.

Arthur smiled. He leaned back onto the bed.

Three days, huh?

He decided to make full of the time left for him.

Arthur closed his eyes and waited until the sunrise.

I feel a little bit embarrassed on showing this little piece of mine, but I wonder how others think about it. Please drop your feedback! >__< I'll try to write something new soon!

[TsukiShima]

I found another poem in my collection last year, which was more meant.to be a lyric, but there's no melody for it.. I was rather proud of this one, so do read it and leave your opinion! I really appreciate them. ^^

Precious

Glitters in your eyes sparkles bright
The smile that saved me from dark
You are dear to me
You are my precious

The sky witnessed our moments together
Rainbows glowed, winds flowed
As how the flowers bloomed that day
Dearest, believe me

You are precious to me, dearest
Even when one day we grow apart
Dearest, you are precious
My heart is connected to yours
The proof of my love to you

The sky turned grey as time flew by
Along with you and your heart
As how the flowers withered that day
But dearest, believe me
You are my precious

You are precious to me, dearest
Even when my glory passed
Dearest, you are precious
My heart is connected to yours
The prove of my love to you

I know nothing last forever
I know we cannot remain
But dearest, you are too precious
I know I have to let you go

You are dear to me
You are my precious

[NeoAngelique]

In 'Precious' check these lines:
You are my precious(this is repeated several times)
Winds flowed
Do tell me if I have gone wrong.