3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
Message
Author
User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#1 Post by Nyron » Fri Aug 23, 2013 1:09 am

Hey there everyone. So first off, let me introduce myself. I'm Nyron. I'm an aspiring writer, and the few people who I have shown some of my work to have liked it(My English teacher liked it so much that she couldn't stop talking about it to all 4 of her classes, basically making me into the talk of the English III classes.). Originally, I was going to turn these ideas into novels, however, after mentioning to a friend that they were inspired by anime, she suggested that I try something else. So, after thinking for a little bit, I came to the conclusion that Visual Novels were the best possible format for any story that I could come up with. And while I have, more or less, 7 ideas for stories, I decided to post only 3 of them for now. Just brief synopsis' and characters to get peoples opinions. If you want more, i'd be happy to add more to them so that you can get a better idea, and if you even want me to spoil the endings, I can do that to since i've thought that far ahead, though not as much inbetween. All 3 of these are romance stories. The one thing I might change about the third idea, is just to swap the two main characters roles around. I'm a guy, and I am not real confident in my ability to write a believable female character, let alone a female protagonist. Am I willing to try? Yeah, sure. Just not confidant, and that could lead to me switching up the roles to make it a bit easier, considering they are all told from a first-person perspective. All 3 of them are planned to be Kinetic Novels, although I am not against adding choices every now and again to make the story more personal.

If you have any questions feel free to ask and I will answer to the best of my ability. So please, ask me anything, even if you want to know the ending. I appreciate any and all critiques/criticism as well as suggestions.

EDIT: I've removed all of my uploaded attachments out of my own self-paranoia. I just can't help, but have this feeling that someone might try to steal an idea they think is good, despite the fact that I believe this would be the least likely place for it to happen. Sorry.
Last edited by Nyron on Wed Nov 06, 2013 7:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

gekiganwing
Lemma-Class Veteran
Posts: 2448
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:38 pm
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#2 Post by gekiganwing » Fri Aug 23, 2013 7:58 am

A few recommendations:

* You can include a teen genius protagonist if you want... but consider how realistic you want your story to be.

* Remember, your story can take place anywhere you want. You can choose a setting which you know quite well, or a setting which requires some research. (You will benefit by making sure your story setting is believable. The location can be a sort of character. But at the same time, don't let it research overwhelm your story.)

* Take time to read fiction outside your favorite categories and styles. I have been a fantasy fan for years, but I've learned quite a bit from other books and movies. Likewise, I gained quite a bit by trying new forms of media: alternative comics, live action drama, gamebooks...

* The Writing Excuses audio podcast is also useful. They talk about varied topics for 15-20 minutes. Not always useful for VNs, but worth a listen.
Nyron wrote:I'm a guy, and I am not real confident in my ability to write a believable female character, let alone a female protagonist.
Understandable. You don't want the women in your cast to seem like caricatures. Therefore, consider what you have in common with them. For instance, if you have experienced fear, boredom, or uncertainty, then you can portray a character who also has these emotions. Likewise, if you have life experiences (travel, graduations, divorce, employment), then write about a fictional person who goes through similar events.

User avatar
cuttlefish
Regular
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:23 am
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#3 Post by cuttlefish » Fri Aug 23, 2013 9:59 am

High school love stories, eh? The synopses and characters all give me a Clannad vibe (probably influenced by your avatar as well).

Have you started writing any of these ideas out yet? They all sound like they could be interesting, but I wouldn't know for sure unless I read a draft or part of the script. You could try writing the script for the third story idea leaving the genders as is, and see if it's coming across as you want it before switching their genders. And you don't have to write in choices if it doesn't suit your story or intent.

I would say idea 1 is the most interesting, followed by 3, then 2. There are a lot of issues you could bring up with idea 1, while the details of 3 and 2 are more like the run-of-the-mill Japanese high school romance stories (except 3 seems a bit atypical because of the genders).

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#4 Post by Nyron » Fri Aug 23, 2013 4:35 pm

cuttlefish wrote:High school love stories, eh? The synopses and characters all give me a Clannad vibe (probably influenced by your avatar as well).

Have you started writing any of these ideas out yet? They all sound like they could be interesting, but I wouldn't know for sure unless I read a draft or part of the script. You could try writing the script for the third story idea leaving the genders as is, and see if it's coming across as you want it before switching their genders. And you don't have to write in choices if it doesn't suit your story or intent.

I would say idea 1 is the most interesting, followed by 3, then 2. There are a lot of issues you could bring up with idea 1, while the details of 3 and 2 are more like the run-of-the-mill Japanese high school romance stories (except 3 seems a bit atypical because of the genders).
Well, I will admit that Clannad is one of my favorite anime. However, it didn't actually influence any of my ideas to be honest. Typically I like romance. All of my stories have it in some way shape or form. Including the 3 or 4 more actioney ones that i've thought of. Did it have to be Highschool? No, not really. It was merely what came to me first as it was...simple. I'm also not that great at naming people or places. Most of the names you see are name generated. I hate to admit that, but they are. That is also why I didn't include a Setting section. I didn't have names for the schools or the places in which they are located, which are for the most part cities. This is due to the fact that i've lived in the country most of my life, where nothing interesting ever happens and opportunities to do anything different are few and far between. I've always pictured the city to have a lot more opportunities and to be a bit more exciting, and something I noticed is that quite a few anime are set in cities and tend to prove my theories.

The reason I thought about adding choices is because people have told me that a Kinetic Novel wouldn't sell because people prefer to have choices. While my first VN or two will be free to drum up interest, I do intend to perhaps make this a career, so I have to know whether or not my merely story-driven VN's would sell enough.

As far as having written any of them out, Idea #1 is written out fully in bullet form. Or at least, plot point wise. I actually wrote the entire idea out within 30 minutes to an hour during an English class to the song Futari no Kodou from the Fate/Stay Night - Unlimited Blade Works soundtrack. Anime music tends to be my primary inspiration rather than the shows themselves. Idea #2 is the second more thought out story as it is the 2nd oldest of the three, however, I only have the ending actually thought out in detail. Two different versions of it in fact. Idea #3 is the newest of the three, and i'll admit, I just thought of it last night. The idea came to me while listening to Lost My Pieces from the Toradora soundtrack, which I had just finished watching the previous night. As far as Idea #3 is concerned, I have an ending in mind, and it's one that easily allows for the characters roles/genders to be switched, although, in its current form, it is a reversal of what i've seen in the past. I'm gonna write out what I have at the bottom of this post complete with spoilers for all 3 ideas, just so everyone has a better idea of the kind of stories i'm shooting to tell, and maybe it'll become clear why I chose Highschool.
gekiganwing wrote:A few recommendations:

* You can include a teen genius protagonist if you want... but consider how realistic you want your story to be.

* Remember, your story can take place anywhere you want. You can choose a setting which you know quite well, or a setting which requires some research. (You will benefit by making sure your story setting is believable. The location can be a sort of character. But at the same time, don't let it research overwhelm your story.)

* Take time to read fiction outside your favorite categories and styles. I have been a fantasy fan for years, but I've learned quite a bit from other books and movies. Likewise, I gained quite a bit by trying new forms of media: alternative comics, live action drama, gamebooks...

* The Writing Excuses audio podcast is also useful. They talk about varied topics for 15-20 minutes. Not always useful for VNs, but worth a listen.
Nyron wrote:I'm a guy, and I am not real confident in my ability to write a believable female character, let alone a female protagonist.
Understandable. You don't want the women in your cast to seem like caricatures. Therefore, consider what you have in common with them. For instance, if you have experienced fear, boredom, or uncertainty, then you can portray a character who also has these emotions. Likewise, if you have life experiences (travel, graduations, divorce, employment), then write about a fictional person who goes through similar events.
#1. She isn't really a teen genius. She just has some of the best grades in her class.

#2. While I admit that i'm not very good with being original in terms of setting(which for all 3 is a Highschool, their homes, and a city.), I do intend to breathe life into them, rather than just making them backdrops.

#3. There isn't a genre I havn't seen in anime. I like them all equally. As far as reading actual novels, i've only read Fantasy and Science Fiction, along with maybe one or two standard fiction novels such as The Great Gatsby. I'll also admit, that currently the only Visual Novel I have read/played is Katawa Shoujo. I almost cried by the end of each route. I intend to get a few others such as Fate/Stay Night Realta Nua, Steins;Gate, and any other interesting ones.

#4. I'll have to look into that Podcast, thank you.

#5. Truth be told, I am not the most manly of men. I do have some more feminine tendencies, but I am straight. So it should actually be easier to write female characters than I make it out to be. Who knows, maybe they'll come out perfectly.

VN Idea #1
Story Ideas:

- Yuki decides to investigate the origins of the VR program: Personal Space
- Yuki meets the creator, Seiji.
- Despite Seiji’s apparent disinterest, Yuki insists they spend more time together and the two eventually form a friendly relationship.
- Overtime, Seiji reveals bits and pieces about the creation of Personal Space.
- As time passes, Yuki begins to focus less on her original goal of uncovering the mystery surrounding the creation of Personal Space, and instead focuses on learning more about Seiji himself, whose past is shrouded in utter mystery.
- Despite their friendship, Seiji continues to hold Yuki at arms length, keeping her from becoming close to him.
- Despite Seiji keeping her at arms length, Yuki falls in love with him and makes it her goal to break down the barrier he had erected between them.
- Over time, Yuki manages to become closer to him. He gives her a data chip that contains secret that he has never shown anyone.
- Despite desperately wanting to know what was on the chip so she could finally end her investigation into Personal Space, Yuki opts not to look at it, and puts it in her pocket.
- Seiji becomes somewhat distant once more, and Yuki all, but gives up hope that he’ll return her feelings in full someday.
- One day, Seiji falls into a coma, and it is surmised that it may take decades for him to wake up. To try and speed up the process, they fit him with a VR visor, hoping his mind could find a comfortable place to recover from the shock.
- Yuki visits him daily, hoping he’ll one day awake.
- During one of her visits, Yuki pulls the data chip from her pocket and inserts it reluctantly into her wrist computer. A folder opens and reveals that the files arn’t about Personal Space, but rather, data files to Seiji’s True Personal Space.
- Realizing what the chip is meant for, she removes it from her wrist computer, puts on a VR visor, and inserts the chip. The data stored on the chip is loaded within moments, and Yuki’s mind awakens in a Personal Space filled with floating crystalline shapes and colored entirely sapphire blue with rays of light strewn throughout. It was a calm and peaceful place. Further in, she finds a black box floating in the air.
- After discovering the black box, Yuki realized that Seiji’s mind is inside of it, reliving a painful memory. She comes to the realization that the reason Seiji fell into a coma is because of a painful memory that he had lost himself within.
- The memory is revealed to be when Seiji’s love was caught in a fatal car accident. He sat in a hospital for days, waiting for her to awaken, hoping she’d live, but she soon died of her injuries, and he entered a depression. He then created Personal Space in order to allow him to be with her forever. He would spend hours with a digital recreation of her, bringing her to life within the Personal Space.
- Yuki yells at the black box, confessing her feelings for Seiji, stating that he is the only person in the world who had ever made her as happy as she is. Despite the thick wall between them, her cries are so strong and powerful, that Seiji can hear them, even in his dillusion. He comes to his sense, and the box cracks, then shatters. A bright light envelops them both. Yuki finds herself standing on a vast white plain. Seiji stands before her, with a smile on his face and tears forming in his eyes. He confesses his love for her as well and embraces her. As the light begins the envelop them once more, They both look off into the distance. A girl stands there and smiles. She waves, and then disappears with the light, erased from Seiji’s files.
- They both awake in the hospital. Seiji turns his head and looks at Yuki who begins to cry, and then falls over on to his lap.
- The two are later seen sitting on a virtual hill in a meadow, a brand new Shared Personal Space. Yuki stands and drags Seiji along with her as they walk through the meadow. Golden rings are seen on each of there ring fingers, implying that they are now either engaged or married.

Notes on VN Idea #1: As I mentioned earlier, the entire idea behind this one was spawned from the song Futari no Koudou from the Fate/Stay Night The Movie: Unlimited Blade Works soundtrack. I can't really explain how it happened, it just, did. Took me 30 minutes to an hour to write the whole, during a research period. Teacher would call it a waste of time, I call it time well spent. There isn't much to say about this one to be honest. One of the last scenes, Seiji's True Personal Space, was inspired by the scene in Unlimited Blade Works that the song plays during. I have a thing for the color sapphire blue, and it seemed peaceful enough.

VN Idea #2
- Ending: As the graduation ceremony at the Highschool begins, Adam gets in a cab and heads to the airport for the return trip back to the United States. (Ending Version 1)Ryoma and Mina meet up with Suzuki outside the auditorium of the school. They look at Suzuki who seems as though somethings bothering her. Ryoma, knowing exactly what the issue is, confronts Suzuki about how she's about to let the one man she's ever loved slip through her fingers. She claims that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Ryoma refutes this stating that he knows for a fact that Adam was in love with her and even willing to move to Japan to be with her, but was unable to confess to her as he believed that she did not return his feelings. Realizing the mistake she was about to make, Suzuki leaves the school and runs as fast as she can to the airport. At the airport, Adam takes one last look back before preparing to board the plane. Just as he's about to step on, he hears a familiar voice calling out to him. As he turns around, he sees Suzuki running full sprint at him, tears in her eyes. She collides with him and they fall to the floor. There on the spot, they confess their feelings for one another. Soon after, Adam makes a call and explains that he needs to stay in Japan for 2 more days. His request is approved and he attends the graduation ceremony with Suzuki, Ryoma, and Mina. To his surprise, when he and Suzuki arrive at the auditorium, everyone in the entire school, including the staff, were waiting for them. 2 Days later, Adam leaves for the US, promising to return as soon as he can. (Ending Version 2) Ryoma, Mina, and Suzuki attend the graduation ceremony, saddened by the fact that Adam couldn't attend as he was heading back to the US. Suzuki regrets not being able to confess her feelings to Adam before left, believing she would never again have the chance to do so. As Adam arrives at the airport, he reminisces about the time he spent with his new friends, about how he has been happier this past year than he had ever been before. Just as he's about to step on the plane, Suzuki suddenly enters his thoughts, and his feelings for her are made abundantly clear to him. He drops his suitcase and runs out of the airport forgetting entirely about the flight that he'll miss. He runs as fast he can to the school and manages to get their just before it starts. He finds Suzuki and confesses everything to her. She too confesses and they embrace. A few days later Adam, Suzuki, Ryoma, and Mina, along with some other friends from school, gather at the airport to say goodbye to Adam. He tells Suzuki that he'll return as soon as he is able, and that he'll spend the rest of his life with her, here, in Japan. They share their first kiss. Before Adam boards the plane, he looks to Ryoma and asks him to keep her safe while he's gone, to which Ryoma vows not to fail him. After the last heartfelt goodbyes, Adam boards the plane, and leaves Japan. (Shared Ending) 2 years have passed since Adam left. For the last 2 years, Adam and Suzuki have written to each other, with Adam continually promising that he'll soon return to her. Just a few days ago, Suzuki received a letter from him, stating that he had finally saved up enough money for a one-way ticket, and enough for a small apartment to begin their new life together. Suzuki waits for him at the airport on the first day of Spring, the 3rd anniversary of when they first met. She watches as Adam steps off the plane, and the two of them embrace for the first time in 2 years. Ryoma and Mina are sitting on a bench, Mina craddling a child that looks like a baby Ryoma.

Notes on VN Idea #2: So, i'll be completely honest about this one. It wasn't inspired by anything in particular. At the beginning of my Junior year(After watching Clannad ironically), I decided that I wanted to study abroad in Japan for a whole year. However, my grades weren't good enough, and getting the money was an issue. So ultimately I had to abandon that dream for the time being. This story came to me as a dream, that I guess was a sort of consulation prize for trying so hard. Although, it was more or less just the ending, as I had hoped to fall in love while I was there, seeing as how i've had no luck in my 3 years of Highschool thus far. One can only dream. The theme, is that you can find love where you least expect it to be. Also, in regards to Adam, his true motivation for going to Japan, was to escape his ever crumbling life in the US. He was emotionally lonely, didn't have very many friends, and his parents were getting ready for a huge divorce, with him caught in the middle of it. He never intended to actually find something in Japan. He just merely wanted to run away from everything, forget about it all for just one year, and pretend as if he had lived in Japan all his life.

VN Idea #3
- Tetsuya goes with Shina to visit her mother in the hospital. While there, he feels rather uneasy.
- Sometime later, Shina's mother succumbs to her illness and passes away. The grieving Shina is comforted by Tetsuya, who she finally realizes she has feelings for, and deems the only thing left in her life that's worth living for, which allows her to get over her mothers death and move forward.
- As their Junior year of Highschool draws to a close, Tetsuya, Shina, and Takeshi walk out of the school. Tetsuya walks ahead of them, and stops at the gates. He turns and smiles at them, sun shining at his back. He vanishes while saying "I can finally wake up.". Shina and Takeshi stand in disbelief at what had just transpired. Shina collapses on the ground crying.
- As Shina lays in her bed, she remembers Tetsuya's last words. "I can finally wake up.". She gets out of bed and walks over to her bookshelf. She slides a book out, filled with Japanese folk tales and myths. As she flips through the book, she finds the page about the Ikiryo, which are out of body experiences that take on corporeal form. Realizing what Tetsuya meant, Shina runs out of the house and heads for the hospital. When she arrives, she looks at a board, and, in the top left corner, right next to where her mothers room used to be: "Tetsuya Hamada". She heads to the upper floor and passes the room her mother was once in. Next to it is another room, with Tetsuya's name on it. She opens the door, and sees a man lying in the bed. He looks like Tetsuya, albeit slightly older looking. (Ending Version 1) Shina sits in the chair next to his bed, hoping he'll wake up. A nurse walks in and sees Shina sitting next to the bed. She asked Shina if she was a friend of Tetsuya's. She said yes, but then asked how he ended up here. Looking a bit confused, the nurse explains that almost 3 years ago, Tetsuya had a heart attack and fell into a coma on the first day of his senior year of Highschool, meaning that he had been a senior when Shina was a freshman. He had been hospitalized ever since, with no indications of waking up. Moments later, Tetsuya's eyes open and he looks at Shina. The memories from his out of body experience flood into him, and he remembers Shina. She cries at his bedside. After a few days in the hospital, Tetsuya is allowed to leave, and he and Shina begin the rest of their lives together. (Ending Version 2) As Shina arrives at the hospital, she finds Tetsuya's room. She sits in a chair next to his bed, hoping he'll wake up. A nurse walks in, and after confirming that Shina is a friend, she tells her what happened to him, and that he's been in a coma for almost 3 years now. Moments later, Tetsuya awakens, and he remembers Shina. He explains to her that when he had his heart attack, he believed that he was going to die, and regretted never having fallen in love or graduating from Highschool. He believes that this is the reason that he became an Ikiryo for the time he was in a coma, to fulfill these last wishes. His spirit had never left the school that day, and it waited for the time when it could fulfill his last wishes. And it was this, that kept him alive all this time. Then Shina came along, and she helped him to achieve both of them. Shina crys at his bedside. He raises an arm and caresses her face. He thanks her for everything she's done for him, and encourages her to live her life for the both of them. His eyes close, and his arm falls to the side of the bed. Later, during her senior year, Shina makes a renewed effort and passes all of her classes with flying colors, impressing her teachers. During her graduation ceremony, she looks back on the time she spent with Tetsuya, and tears form in her eyes. Takeshi appears next to her, and together, hand in hand, they leave the school grounds. They both stop and look back, both of them swearing they saw Tetsuya watching them from one of the upper windows. 3 years later, Takeshi and Shina are married and with a little boy named Tetsuya.

Notes on VN Idea #3: As I said, this story was very recent, as in, right before I made this thread. It was inspired by the ending scene of Toradora as well as the song Lost My Pieces which I had on repeat at the time of writing. A story that could really tug on the emotional chords when it needed to, and had the potential for a bittersweet ending. As you can see, I laid out 2 unique endings. In the first version, Tetsuya awakens from his coma, survives, and spends the rest of his life with Shina. In Version 2, his will to live was the only thing keeping him alive, and was personified by his soul becoming an Ikiryo, which was inspired by(Ironically again.) Clannad as well as Kanon, after he had his heart attack. However, after waking, he has enough time to say his goodbyes and confess to Shina before he passes on, having fulfilled his last wishes. She lives for the both of them, and finally lets Takeshi into her heart, living happily with him after graduation. Out of respect for all Tetsuya had done, they decided to name their first child after him. Considering that the child was born after Tetsuya passed away, it isn't too far fetched to say that perhaps the boy is Tetsuya reincarnated.

gekiganwing
Lemma-Class Veteran
Posts: 2448
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:38 pm
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#5 Post by gekiganwing » Sat Aug 24, 2013 8:19 am

Sometimes it's good to plan all the events of a story before writing them. At other times, it's good to leave room for inspiration and spontaneity. As you write, think about what works best for you.
Nyron wrote:...I decided that I wanted to study abroad in Japan for a whole year. However, my grades weren't good enough, and getting the money was an issue. So ultimately I had to abandon that dream for the time being. This story came to me as a dream, that I guess was a sort of consulation prize for trying so hard. Although, it was more or less just the ending, as I had hoped to fall in love while I was there, seeing as how i've had no luck in my 3 years of Highschool thus far. One can only dream. The theme, is that you can find love where you least expect it to be. Also, in regards to Adam, his true motivation for going to Japan, was to escape his ever crumbling life in the US. He was emotionally lonely, didn't have very many friends, and his parents were getting ready for a huge divorce, with him caught in the middle of it. He never intended to actually find something in Japan. He just merely wanted to run away from everything, forget about it all for just one year, and pretend as if he had lived in Japan all his life.
Writing "Across the Sea" might be a good exercise in portraying modern day life another country. It seems reasonably realistic -- no magic, no science fiction -- and it could be a way to discuss topics such as culture shock, learning a different language, and living with a host family. I believe it should emphasize the main character finding his identity, and finding his place in a world of imperfect people.

Aside: I know that Quin from RPGamer has talked about his experiences of studying and living with a host family in Japan. Talk with other people and advisors about how to get into a study abroad program in the next few years.

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#6 Post by Nyron » Sat Aug 24, 2013 5:06 pm

I've already done all of the research in regards to studying abroad, and I am very familiar with Japanese customs, despite never having been there myself. I havn't really decided on whether or not i'll have Adam with a host family. It might just be easier to have him stay in a paid for apartment or a dorm. I'm not exactly shooting for perfect realism, otherwise there would be a lot of studying for College entrance exams and what not with the characters only being able to hang out during breaks between classes, the latter half of Saturday, and all of Sunday. The rest of the week would be study, study, study.

As for planning the stories out ahead of actually writing them, that is probably what i'll end up doing, because I have a hard time making stuff up as I go. I started writing another one of my ideas that I havn't posted up on here, and I only got a Prologue and 2 chapters done before hitting a dead end. I had absolutely no idea where to go from that point.

If anyone wants to see ALL of my Visual Novel ideas, I would be more than happy to show them to you. I mean, I have about 5 or 6 other ideas.

User avatar
cuttlefish
Regular
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:23 am
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#7 Post by cuttlefish » Sun Aug 25, 2013 10:01 am

There's nothing wrong with generated names, or using the high school setting, per se. I didn't know they were generated until you told me, and I only mentioned how they were high school love stories because you didn't mention that in your first post.
Nyron wrote:The reason I thought about adding choices is because people have told me that a Kinetic Novel wouldn't sell because people prefer to have choices. While my first VN or two will be free to drum up interest, I do intend to perhaps make this a career, so I have to know whether or not my merely story-driven VN's would sell enough.
There are tons of written works that aren't choose-your-own-adventure, and they sell. If you try to sell a KN as a "VN with choices", then I wouldn't expect it to sell well (although it might).

It'd be good if you could travel to a city or go to Japan. But until then, you should try reading a variety of works, as gekiganwing suggested (you can PM me for some recommendations). From just reading your synopses and character descriptions, I could tell what type of story you were going to tell before you even posted their outlines. I've read quite a lot of Japanese high school romance stories, and someone might comment about these story ideas, left as is, that they were a nice read, but nothing new or spectacular.

When I made my first post here, I didn't think about the issues gekiganwing had brought up for idea #2 that could be used to make it a story with more depth. I mean, you could concentrate all your stories on love alone (and some sad events?), but that would be ignoring other parts of life and the world.

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#8 Post by Nyron » Mon Aug 26, 2013 11:15 pm

While love is the main theme of these 3 stories, I will definitely explore the culture of Japan and the fictional settings themselves. I know enough about Japan to make mostly accurate depictions, and I already have two artists who are willing to draw whatever I need them to, that are also fans of anime. The sad events that take place are meant to pull on the heartstrings. Give it more of an emotional pull than it might have had if it didn't. If the readers respond emotionally to these scenes in some way rather than just shrugging them off, it shows that they were invested in the characters and the story which is great. These stories will be longer than they might seem. I'm shooting for Medium to Long length for all 3. I also wasn't going for anything groundbreaking or fully original. When I come up with a story, I just feel that I have to tell it, no matter how many people actually read it. What does it mean to be a writer, if not to write stories for others to enjoy.

On another note, i'd love some feedback on 4 other stories that i've worked on. All 4 of them are from the opposite series of stories that I conceived. The 3 Highschool romance stories above, including a 4th one, Codename: Melancholy, that I have yet to work on all that much, are in what I call the "Desires of the Heart" series of stories. While these 4, more action oriented stories, are part of the "Desires of the Mind" series of stories. These 4, were actually the original 4 stories I conceived when I first started writing 2 years ago. I'd love to hear what everyone thinks about them.

Out of the four of these stories, i've only really come up with a theme for Codename: Elysium, which is that you cannot condemn an entire race due to the acts of a single member. It is also the only one that has potential for a sequel as well as a prequel, the rest on the other hand don't have sequel potential. Out of the other ones, only Aiakashu has prequel potential.

Edit: After a lot of thought and consideration, I decided to have Adam live with a Host Family during the story/ But it isn't really a family, just a man who volunteered to be his Host Father. Their relationship is going to play a big part in the story. It also caused a slight rewrite of the ending. You will find a short character summary, as well as the additions and rewrites of the story, below. I bolded what I changed in the ending.

- Senzo Hidaka: A man of 38 years of age, Senzo has never been married, and as a result, has no children of his own. Wishing to know what it's like to be a father, Senzo applied to be a Host for a student wishing to study abroad. Normally, only married couples are allowed to Host a student, however, the one of the people working for the program was an old friend and decided to push Senzo's application through. Within a week, Senzo got a call that he had been selected to host an incoming student from the United States.

Notes on Senzo - Now, i'm a little on the fence about his personality. The two options i've presented myself are (1) He's a bit goofy and loves to joke around, but serious when it counts. Or (2) He's a rather serious person through and through, who rarely jokes. Opposites basically. Now, the reason those two personalities exist, is because I think he could be a very fun character who adds some comedy to the story while the comedic relief friend who I have yet to name isn't around. At the same time however, if I make him just a very serious father figure, he won't be as fun, but he might be more realistic for a guy who has been living alone all these years. I'm leaning more towards personality 1. Once you read the new bits i've added to the story, you'll see that at the moment, i'm playing around with personality 1.

Also, in any of my overviews, a space between parts indicates that they do not happen directly after one another. Those are gaps I need to fill with other parts of the story leading up to the next one.

Story so far:

- Adam flies to Japan after being accepted into a Study Abroad program. Upon arriving at the airport close to 7pm, he is met by his Host Father, Senzo Hidaka. Senzo drives him to his new home. When they arrive, it is revealed that Senzo lives in a medium sized apartment all by himself.

- After Adam returns home one night, Senzo, having forgotten to make dinner, decides it might be time to eat out. He takes Adam to one of his favorite restaurants. After trying the food there, Adam takes a liking to it and makes a note to bring his friends there sometime.

- Adam invites Suzuki over for dinner since her parents are out of town and won't be back until the next day, she accepts the offer and walks home with him. As they walk in, Senzo is busy cooking dinner. He takes notice of Suzuki and welcomes her to their humble abode. Having taken his attention off the food he was cooking, he accidentally spills some of it on himself, burning him. Suzuki, knowing a bit about first aid, tends to him, which he thanks her for. As she takes the first aid kit back to the bathroom, Senzo leans in and tells Adam that he's found a keeper. Before he can reply, Suzuki returns, and they eat dinner together.

- Ending: As the graduation ceremony at the Highschool begins, Adam gets in a cab and heads to the airport for the return trip back to the United States. (Ending Version 1)Ryoma and Mina meet up with Suzuki outside the auditorium of the school. They look at Suzuki who seems as though somethings bothering her. Ryoma, knowing exactly what the issue is, confronts Suzuki about how she's about to let the one man she's ever loved slip through her fingers. She claims that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Ryoma refutes this stating that he knows for a fact that Adam was in love with her and even willing to move to Japan to be with her, but was unable to confess to her as he believed that she did not return his feelings. Realizing the mistake she was about to make, Suzuki leaves the school and runs as fast as she can to the airport. At the airport, Adam takes one last look back before preparing to board the plane. Just as he's about to step on, he hears a familiar voice calling out to him. As he turns around, he sees Suzuki running full sprint at him, tears in her eyes. She collides with him and they fall to the floor. There on the spot, they confess their feelings for one another. Soon after, Adam makes a call and explains that he needs to stay in Japan for 2 more days. His request is approved and he attends the graduation ceremony with Suzuki, Ryoma, and Mina. To his surprise, when he and Suzuki arrive at the auditorium, everyone in the entire school, including the staff, were waiting for them. 2 Days later, Adam leaves for the US, promising to return as soon as he can. (Ending Version 2) Ryoma, Mina, and Suzuki attend the graduation ceremony, saddened by the fact that Adam couldn't attend as he was heading back to the US. Suzuki regrets not being able to confess her feelings to Adam before he left, believing she would never again have the chance to do so. As Adam arrives at the airport, he reminisces about the time he spent with his new friends, about how he has been happier this past year than he had ever been before. Just as he's about to step on the plane, Suzuki suddenly enters his thoughts, and his feelings for her are made abundantly clear to him. He drops his suitcase and runs out of the airport forgetting entirely about the flight that he'll miss. As he exits the airport, he notices a familiar face. Senzo is leaning against his car, having known that Adam wouldn't leave without seeing her one last time, decided to wait for him. Adam hopped into the car and they headed off to the school as fast as possible. On the way there, Senzo tells Adam that he was glad to have had the opportunity to feel like a father, and that he was happy to have had someone to call his son, even if it had been only for a year. The two arrive at the Highschool just in time, as the ceremony has yet to start. Adam finds Suzuki and confesses everything to her. She too confesses and they embrace. A few days later Adam, Suzuki, Ryoma, and Mina, along with some other friends from school, gather at the airport to say goodbye to Adam. He tells Suzuki that he'll return as soon as he is able, and that he'll spend the rest of his life with her, here, in Japan. They share their first kiss. Before Adam boards the plane, he looks to Ryoma and asks him to keep her safe while he's gone, to which Ryoma vows not to fail him. After the last heartfelt goodbyes, Adam boards the plane, and leaves Japan. (Shared Ending) 2 years have passed since Adam left. For the last 2 years, Adam and Suzuki have written to each other, with Adam continually promising that he'll soon return to her. Just a few days ago, Suzuki received a letter from him, stating that he had finally saved up enough money for a one-way ticket, and enough for a small apartment to begin their new life together. Suzuki waits for him at the airport on the first day of Spring, the 3rd anniversary of when they first met. She watches as Adam steps off the plane, and the two of them embrace for the first time in 2 years. Ryoma and Mina are sitting on a bench, Mina craddling a child that looks like a baby Ryoma.
Last edited by Nyron on Wed Nov 06, 2013 7:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#9 Post by Nyron » Sat Sep 07, 2013 1:57 pm

Anyone?

gekiganwing
Lemma-Class Veteran
Posts: 2448
Joined: Wed Sep 29, 2004 1:38 pm
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#10 Post by gekiganwing » Sat Sep 07, 2013 6:14 pm

I read the premises for your Desires of the Mind stories. I don't currently know what advice to give right now, other than "commit time for writing, every day if possible, and see what happens." Begin with one story, and write a scene with action or conflict. If you succeed in writing for several days, ask for comments and criticism.

User avatar
cuttlefish
Regular
Posts: 130
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:23 am
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#11 Post by cuttlefish » Mon Sep 09, 2013 11:47 pm

I haven't gotten to reading your Desires of the Mind premises (or the edit in that post), but I don't think there'd be much to say until you tried writing out one of your ideas, and then put the draft up for review (what gekiganwing said). Good luck!

User avatar
sonorousgem
Regular
Posts: 133
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:28 am
Completed: Miranda, Princess at Heart; Valentine's Rush
Projects: Stuck in Cube 36; Finding My Way to You
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#12 Post by sonorousgem » Mon Sep 16, 2013 5:42 pm

Hi! I've read some of your ideas (they are so fleshed out, it's hard for me to keep track of even the ones I've read). Excuse me for repeating what others have said or asking stupid questions, but...
-It looks like your ideas mostly have one plotline each, and unless you're going to do a KN, how are choices going to be implemented into your potential games? (like, are you going to make multiple endings?)
-With so many ideas, you'd have to have a loooot of dedication to make them all happen. Do you have ideas that you like more than others? (I've had a lot of ideas myself in the past, but only maybe three actually turned out because I liked them the most.)
-Your writing seems promising, but would you mind posting a sample of it? The stuff I've read has mostly been either bullet points or summaries, so I don't have any idea what your style is like. It can be short, I'm just curious. :)
-Some little things: You don't need an apostrophe for plural things- like "Idea's" should just be "Ideas", and "1900's" should just be "1900s". (I know, that's really little, I'm sorry XD.) Also, it would be really awesome and wonderful if you could put more space between paragraphs and separate ideas (nitpicky again, I'm sorry!)... I tend to miss things or jump over things if everything's clumped together.

I'm not a writer, reader, or professional, so sorry if this response isn't what you're looking for. Although none of these ideas have jumped out at me per se, I can tell they have a lot of potential and I'm looking forward to seeing how they will play out. ^.^

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#13 Post by Nyron » Thu Oct 24, 2013 11:43 pm

Hey everyone, sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. School has been hectic, but i'm getting through my exams so my time is starting to free up.

Sonorousgem: I'm glad you liked what you read. I take my stories quite seriously. I hate it when a story doesn't have a lot of depth to it and the characters are cookie cutter stereotypes, so I often try to bring the characters to life as much as I can to make them feel like real people. Now, some things have changed and so i've unfortunately had to drop making them into Visual Novels for the time being, but I still plan to write them as novels, hopefully with the first one being out sometime in the next few months on an e-book store(keyword being hopefully. This would be my first book so i'm probably gonna run into some issues trying to get it up on a store.). It will be one of the Desires of the Heart books, followed by the others not too far apart. The primary reason I had to change my plans was because I need to start bringing in money for various reasons. As Visual Novels, I was going to release the first 2 or 3 for free before I started charging for them, but unfortunately, they take quite a while to make, and I need money. However, that doesn't mean I won't ever make them into visual novels. Those will probably just come later down the line once i've established myself as a writer(Hopefully a popular one and a best seller.).

To answer one of your questions though, while I never minded branching storylines, I always preferred a single linear story. It just felt more focused and you got the true story. With some of my stories, there were parts that I wasn't quite sure what to do with so I came up with multiple versions to choose from. The point of putting them on here like that, was to get feedback on which ending sounded better or resonated more with people. I want these stories to be able to sell here in US, while still retaining the Japanese settings and anime inspirations which might also draw in Eastern readers. I'll obviously be using some Japanese terms in my stories and so one of the ideas I had was to put a few pages in the front of the book that had the terms and their meanings listed so that people wouldn't get confused or not understand it(though some terms might get put in the back of the book to avoid spoilers.).

Also, to answer another question, even as Visual Novels, I completely intended to make all of them, as I simply cannot choose one over the other.

And for the part you've all been wanting, here is a snippet from Across the Sea(Sorry if this really extends the post. It's a pain to write it up in Gmail, then transfer it to a document, then attach it to a post.):

As the sun rose above the horizon, the Hidaka household sat in complete silence. It was March 3rd, the final day of the school year. Adam sat quietly in his room on the edge of his futon, looking at his belongings which had been packed away the previous night. Today was his final day in Japan after having spent the last year there as part of a foreign exchange program. It was a year that he would never forget, one that he had wished would never end. Sadly, he had no choice in the matter. Standing up, he walked over and picked up his bag. Using his left hand, he slid opened the door of his room and went downstairs. Senzo sat at the table smoking a cigarette. He looked over to Adam who was standing at the bottom of the stairs.

Senzo: "I guess it's that time, huh kiddo?"

Adam: "Yeah..."

Senzo got up and walked over to Adam, putting his right hand on his Adams' shoulder.

Senzo: "You know, i've never had a family, let alone a son of my own. Until you came along, I never knew what it felt like to be a father..."

Tears roll down Senzo's face.

Senzo: "... But thanks to you, I was able to know the joy of being a father, even if it was only for a year. No matter what happens after today, I will always consider you to be my son, and you will always be welcome in my home. Thank you."

Adam stood motionless for a moment, then his eyes began to tear up, however not a single tear rolled down his face. A small smile graced his lips. Not another word was said between the two of them. Adam walked to the door and opened it. As he began to step out into the cold Spring air a voice called out to him from inside.

Senzo: "Hey, kid, don't forget to send me a damn letter every now and again! I might start thinking that you forgot about me if I don't hear from ya!"

Adam smiled, a tear finally finding its way out of his eyes. He shut the door and headed down the road. The sound of his footsteps echoed down the stone road. Everything was quiet this early in the morning. The students had already gone to the school for the graduation ceremony. He would have loved to have been able to attend it, but sadly, the only flight back to US happened to leave at the same time as the ceremony, making it impossible for him to attend. The airport wasn't too far from where he was, but taking a cab would have made the trip a lot quicker. However, walking like this allowed him to take in the sights one last time. He passed a lot of familiar places on the way, stopping at one imparticular: The Fukashi Park. Adam took a detour through the park, taking a seat on a bench somewhere near the center of the park. He sat there, staring up into the trees for a while. He found that this was one of the few places that he could truly feel at peace. Adam looked down at the base of the tree that stood in front of him across the path. At its base bloomed a lone flower. "That's...." It came back to him, back when he first arrived, her came to this park and planted a seed at the base of the tree. The seed had been in his pocket when he left the US, and he had decided to plant it here as a symbol of his new life. Over the course of the last year, that seed grew into a beautiful flower, taking root in the foreign soil, even when it had refused to grow in its native soil.

He left the park soon after, arriving at the airport 10 minutes later. Even at this time of the morning, the airport was filled with people, both incoming and outgoing. Adam reached into his pants pocket and pulled out his slightly crumpled ticket. His flight was supposed to leave at 8am, however, after looking up at the board in front of him, it appeared that his flight had been delayed about half an hour. He glanced at the clock behind the desk on the other side of the room. It was 7:55am. With half an hour to wait, Adam walked over to a bench and sat down to wait out the time.
__________________________________________________
Suzuki stood outside of the Fukashi Highschool Auditorium. She had arrived at the school an hour earlier, hoping to catch a glimpse of a certain someone. Inside the Auditorium, the other students were standing around chatting while they waited for the Graduation Ceremony to begin. Suzuki looked around the courtyard, hoping that maybe she had just missed him, but there was no sign of him anywhere.

"Yo."

Suzuki's head turned towards the sound of the voice. It was a familiar voice, but not the one she had been wanting to hear.

Suzuki: "Good morning, Ryoma and Mina."

Ryoma and Mina stopped in front of her, their hands together inside Ryoma's coat pocket.

Suzuki: "Wait, are you two..."

Ryoma scratches the back of his head while smiling. "Yep, just this morning on the way to school." Ryoma also noticed that they were missing someone. He also noticed that Suzuki was noticeably worried about it. "I guess Adam has show up then?" Suzuki shook her head. She had been hoping to see him one last time before he left, but it would seem that he had already gone. Ryoma sighed. "Guess I don't have an option, now do I?" He pulled out his cell phone, dialed a number and let it ring.

Airport Attendant: "Hello, you have reached the Fukashi International Airport, can I help you?"

Ryoma: "What time does the flight for the United States leave?"

AA: "It was scheduled to leave at 8am, however there has been a half an hour delay. Would you like a ticket?"

Ryoma: "No, thank you. I was just curious. Goodbye."

Ryoma pocketed his phone again and looked at Suzuki. "Well, that settles it, you better get going." Suzuki looked at him. "I... I don't know what you're talking about." Ryoma sighed yet again and looked her straight in the eyes. "You arn't fooling anyone, Isaka-chan. I've known you for a long time. I've seen the way you look at him. Just admit it, you're in love with---"

Suzuki: "I am not in love with him!"

Ryoma: "Quit lying to yourself!"

Suzuki backs up a step in shock. "Ryoma..."

Ryoma: "It's obvious to everyone, but you. Just admit it. You're afraid that he won't return your feelings or that he'll never come back, but I know for a fact that he does."

Suzuki stood in silence, leaning against the Auditorium walls.

Ryoma: "He told me once, just a few weeks ago, that he had feelings for you. He was afraid to tell you for the exact same reason. Suzuki... if you go now you can still catch him before he boards that plane. If you let him go now, then you will regret it for the rest of your life. You deserve some happiness... both of you do."

She stood there for a minute, taking in everything that Ryoma had just said. He was right. She had known for a year now that Adam would eventually be leaving. For the longest time, she had felt like there was no one out there for her. Everyone around her was happy and having fun, but she wasn't, not until he came along. Every day he was making her smile and laugh. It was at that moment that she finally accepted it and knew what she had to do. Suzuki looked up and sprinted through the courtyard, with Ryoma and Minda watching as she left the school grounds. The airport was far from the school. Her chances of making it there slim to none. However, there was one ray of hope that could possibly get her their before the plane left. She ran as fast as she could until she reached the Hidaka house. She stopped in front of the door, panting from exhaustion. She knocked on the door. Moments later, a not so surprised Senzo answered the door. "Well, I was wondering when you were going to show up." Senzo held up his keys and jingled them around a bit to say that he was one step ahead of her. They hopped into his car and sped off towards the airport.

It took them nearly 25 minutes to reach the airport. The time was 8:27am, 3 minutes before the plane was supposed to depart. The car screeched to a halt in front of the airport. While Senzo took his time getting out of the car while whistling a tune, Suzuki pushed the door open right as it stopped and ran inside.
__________________________________________
Adam looked at the clock again. It was 8:24. He stood up and grabbed his bag, making his way to the plane entrance. He went up the escalator and quickly found the boarding area for his flight. He took his spot in line, which was moving slowly. In just a few more minutes he would be on his way back to the United States, the last place he wanted to be. The whole point of coming to Japan was so that he could escape the house that had become a warzone with his parents at opposite ends, and to escape that melancholic life. As the line continued to move, he remembered everything that had happened over the last year. There were so many good memories, more than he had ever had before. Then, and image of Suzuki popped into his mind. He thought about her for a while, how much he cared about her. If only he could have seen her one last time.

Just then, a voice yelled out to him. "Adam!" His head seemed to move in slow motion as he looked towards the sound of that kind voice that he had become accustomed to. He saw Suzuki running towards him, tears in her eyes. She practically tackled him to ground, knocking him out of the line. They stared into one anothers eyes for a little while before Suzuki wrapped her arms around him and pulled him into a tight embrace, which he returned.

Adam: "Suzuki...."

Suzuki: "Don't you dare try to leave me without a proper goodbye."

Adam: "I'm sorry, Suzuki. I never intended to hurt you. I just thought..."

Suzuki: "I don't want you to go. I want you to stay here... with me."

Adams eyes widened and tears started to form in his eyes once more. That was all the confirmation he needed. She returned his feelings and he now had a reason to return the first chance he could. "Me too, Suzuki. I want to stay here with you, for the rest of my life. I'm just sorry it took so long." Suzuki loosened her hold on him and stared him straight in the eyes. "Idiot." She was slightly laughing, though it was kinda hard to tell through the crying. They stayed like that for a long while, causing Adam to miss his flight. Luckily, he was able to get his visa extended for two more days, allowing him to attend the Graduation Ceremony, and to properly say goodbye to everyone. On his final day Senzo, Ryoma, Mina, and Suzuki went with him to the airport, intending to see him off properly. As they stood in front of the gates, Adam turned to them. He and Suzuki embraced one last time and kissed.

Ryoma: "Come on you two, don't do that in public."

Suzuki laughed. "He has a point."

Adam: "I suppose he does." Adam let go of Suzuki and walked over to Ryoma and Mina. Adam and Ryoma bowed deeply to one another, a show of their respect for each other. He looked at Ryoma. "I have one last favor to ask of you. Watch over Suzuki for me till I come back." Ryoma nodded. "Don't worry about it. She's in good hands. Just don't take too long." Adam smiled and shared one last moment with everyone. He bowed deeply to Senzo who returned the gesture. Adam then turned and faced the boarding gates. He hesitated for a moment, but then finally stepped through and boarded the plane. Everyone watched as the plane sped off down the runway and into the air. Adam looked down at the country he had come to love, which was home to the people he had come to hold dear. He promised that he would return as soon as he could, and then he and Suzuki would be free to spend the rest of their lives together.
-Epilogue-
3 years later....

Suzuki stood in front of the tree at the center of Fukashi Park. She kneeled down in front of the tree, admiring the flower that had grown at its base. It was the first week of Spring, and the Sakura trees were in full bloom as they did once a year. The white-pink leaves floated down from above, creating a unique and beautiful sight. It had been 3 years since Adam left. She would often get letters from him, telling her how he was doing, the counseling his family was going to to resolve their issues, and how long he thought it would be till he could return. His last letter was a month ago, the same day he had left 3 years ago. Ryoma and Mina were also there with her, sitting on a bench. Mina was holding a child, no more than two years old who resembled Ryoma greatly. As she sat there watching the flower, a voice came from behind her. "Japan is always beautiful this time of year." She turned to see who it was, though she honestly didn't even need to ask that question. Behind her stood a man holding a large bag. She stood up and ran into his arms. "You're back." She cried into his sleeve. Adam smiled and held her tightly. "I'm home. And i'll never leave you again." Ryoma and Mina watched from the side as the two stood there for a while, cherishing that moment, the beginning of their new life together and the future that awaited them.

User avatar
sonorousgem
Regular
Posts: 133
Joined: Wed Mar 06, 2013 3:28 am
Completed: Miranda, Princess at Heart; Valentine's Rush
Projects: Stuck in Cube 36; Finding My Way to You
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#14 Post by sonorousgem » Sun Oct 27, 2013 3:02 am

Nyron wrote:Now, some things have changed and so i've unfortunately had to drop making them into Visual Novels for the time being, but I still plan to write them as novels, hopefully with the first one being out sometime in the next few months on an e-book store(keyword being hopefully. This would be my first book so i'm probably gonna run into some issues trying to get it up on a store.).
Aww, well I hope we forum peeps were able to help you somehow ;P It's pretty awesome how dedicated you are to writing though.
Nyron wrote: It just felt more focused and you got the true story.
Yessss exactly. That's why some people do KNs, but in your case a novel sounds the best (esp. if you have no plans for art or music).
Nyron wrote:Also, to answer another question, even as Visual Novels, I completely intended to make all of them, as I simply cannot choose one over the other.

And for the part you've all been wanting, here is a snippet from Across the Sea(Sorry if this really extends the post. It's a pain to write it up in Gmail, then transfer it to a document, then attach it to a post.):
Wow, you have so much inspiration... and yeah, this post is already suuuuper long, but it's okay. Less attachments I have to download to slow down my PC.

Kinda sad you gave me the ending (spoilers!) but then you already pretty much put it in your summary... Anyways I really appreciated the imagery; I guess I'm a visual person. I also liked that you stayed true to the anime/Japanese/school-life feel, and you added lots of detail :) While the ending itself seemed like (to be honest) a typical cliche ending to any romance/cute anime, it was very sweet and not overly sappy (the best kind!). I can't really say anything about the characters: I couldn't really tell what their personalities were like, or if they'd gone through any kind of development. Needless to say I liked them all. But were Ryoma and Mina main characters? I felt like if they weren't, they played too big a role in the ending.
So that's my two cents. Thanks for letting me read this: it was worth the few minutes. Good luck! ;D

User avatar
Nyron
Newbie
Posts: 13
Joined: Thu Aug 22, 2013 3:06 pm
Location: United States
Contact:

Re: 3 Visual Novel Idea's. Critiques Wanted!

#15 Post by Nyron » Sun Oct 27, 2013 11:54 pm

I appreciate the feedback. Ryoma and Mina are the two best friends, so in a way they are main characters, but they may not show up AS much as Adam and Suzuki, but I certainly wouldn't put them in the background or supporting characters section. If anything they help the story move along. Since it was the ending, the character development has already happened. I actually alluded to it with the flower in the park. Adam(The Seed) left America and came to Japan where he hoped to start a new life, thus planting the seed in the hopes it would grow. Adam was unable to be happy in America, and so the seed was unable to grow there. However, over the course of that year, Adam grew as a person and found a place that he could be happy, thus the seed grew, and in the end, fully blossomed. I chose the end because it was the most fleshed out part of the story so far. And I do agree on the cliche ending, unfortunately, in this day and age, it's hard to avoid cliches because everyone else has already done them to death. Finding something new isn't easy. I could have made it so that he left and they never confessed to one another, so twist ending, but that defeats the purpose of the story in my opinion, which is that happiness and love can be found anywhere in the world. However, it has always been my belief, that even if an ending is similar to anothers, it belongs to an original story, and the ending in and of itself is unique in its own way, which makes it not cliche... in a way. If, that makes any sense.

The story came to me as a dream, the ending specifically. The dream was based on my own desires and hopes for something that unfortunately did not happen due to financial and grade reasons. So in a way, Across the Sea is my interpretation of what I had wished would happen, though the main character is not named after me, he is just somewhat based on me. It seems a bit selfish and conceited, but then again, all of my stories are born from different parts of my own mind, my protagonists, different parts of myself. Its what makes writing male protagonists so easy for me, whereas the female ones are a bit more of a challenge since they arn't necessarily born from any part of me. For the sake of ease, i've honestly been contemplating switching the genders of two of my protagonists to make the books easier to write.

Now, during my long time of inactivity on here(about 2 months), I came up with yet another idea for a story that was inspired by The Great Gatsby. Right now I call it "Incorruptible Dream" as that's the theme of the story. So, enjoy the summary for now, tell me what you think from that summary, and i'll see if I can't get you an excerpt from the story itself in my next post.

Synopsis: They say that the romance seen in films and books are nothing, but fairy tales. That it is nowhere near reality, and one should not hope for anything more, as if confined to a cage and expected to never want to leave. Yet one man bides his time, ever waiting, attempting to defy that which has been deemed reality.

Kazuhiro Namida - A man who spent his whole life dreaming of fairy tales, and hoping that his life could become one. As a teenager, he met a girl who stole his heart, and he hers. Before he could propose to her after graduating from Highschool, she left on a trip, saying that she wouldn’t be back for a long time. And so Kazuhiro waited. He bided his time as life began to pass him by, waiting for her to return.

Yukino Hiroda - A girl who once attended the same Highschool as Kazuhiro, she fell in love with him during their time together. However, before they could begin the rest of their life together, she left on a trip with her family. She promised him that she’d return some day, and they could then begin their life together. Years passed, and though they wrote one another, time continued to pass by, with only their letters to keep them from becoming lonely.

Story so far:

- In 1997, Kazuhiro Namida, a boy obsessed with fantasies and fairy tales, enters Highschool. On the first day, he meets a girl named Yukino Hiroda. At first the two arn’t exactly sure what to think of one another, but they soon become friends.

- 1998: Kazuhiro and Yukino enter their second year of Highschool. As they continue to spend time together, an unbreakable bond forms between the two, which would eventually blossom into true love.

- April 1999: Kazuhiro and Yukino enter their final year of Highschool. Both of them have realized their feelings for one another, and encouraged by their friends to enter into a relationship. The two finally agree to be together.

- December 31, 1999, Kazuhiro and Yukino spend New Years Eve together. Kazuhiro notices something is bothering Yukino as they sit in the park watching the fireworks. When he confronts her about it, she reveals that her family is moving to somewhere else in Japan, far away. Kazuhiro is shocked by this and pleads with her not to leave, to stay with him, but she says that she cannot, saying that she isn’t ready to be on her own yet. Kazuhiro finally concedes.

- February, 2000: The day after graduation, Kazuhiro and Yukino walk through the streets at night, heading for the train station. They walk past all of their favorite places, reminising about the time they’ve spent together. They walk, hand in hand. Kazuhiro stops in front of a jewelry store, and asks Yukino to wait outside for a moment. He returns 10 minutes later holding two small boxes. He opens one of them, revealing a ring with a small diamond on it. He had been saving up enough money to buy one for her, and felt that now was the right time. He slipped it on her finger, causing her to cry tears of happiness. He puts one on his own finger, signifying their unofficial union, stating that no matter where they may be in the world, they’ll be together.

- February, 2001: Kazuhiro returns to the train station, and spends the day sitting on a bench. It had been a year to the day that Yukino left. He stared at the ring on his finger, a reminder that some day they would see each other again.

- November, 2001: Kazuhiro walks through the park. The leaves have already turned brown, and most have fallen from the tree’s. When he returns home, he finds a letter in the mail from Yukino. She talks about her life in her new home, and how it’s much colder compared to her old one. Attached to the letter is a photo of her hand with the ring still on it. She says that she hasn’t taken it off since he first put it on her finger, and vows never to do so.

- April, 2003: Kazuhiro sits underneath a cherryblossom, reading the latest letter from Yukino. Nothing has changed in her situation.

- July 7, 2006: Despite Yukino being far away, Kazuhiro attends the local Tanabata festival. There, he meets a friend who he hasn’t seen since Highschool. He’s married and has two children. This makes Kazuhiro think about the life he could be living if Yukino had stayed.

- December, 2009: Kazuhiro receives a letter from Yukino. She’s finally sorted out her life, and is preparing to come back so she can be with him.

- February, 2010: 10 years to the day, Yukino left with her parents northward bound. That day they had pledged to be with one another. Kazuhiro looks at the ring on his finger as the train pulls into the station. Yukino disembarks. She looks different than he remembers, but then again, 10 years have past. At first, they just look at each other, tears forming in both of their eyes, but then they embrace. Kazuhiro welcomes her home.

- April 1, 2011: Kazuhiro and Yukino’s first child is born. A baby girl. They name her Sakura, after the cherryblossoms currently blooming.

- February, 2018: Yukino collapses in the park and is rushed to the hospital. There, it is revealed that she had been sick since before she returned, but never told anyone about it, just wanting to live a normal and happy life with her family. She passes away that night, 18 years to the day since she left.

- April, 2027: On the night before Sakura’s first day of Highschool, Kazuhiro tells her about how he and her mother met, and the time they spent apart. He hopes to make her dream of a happy future, and to dream of fairy tales, as they do come true.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users