Critiques Wanted.

[Trouble Time]

so I'm working on my first game, but for some reason I keep feeling like the opening is really weak. I think it'd do me some good to get some good to get some early criticisms since I'm trying to improve my writing as a whole. I'd like anyone who does give critiques to be honest, I'd rather know what to look at than have someone spare my feelings, as long as it's something constructive.

BTW, in case it isn't clear, G is Gavin, H is Halluel, and J is Jessica from the game I'm working on (working title is Halluel, but that's just cause usually don't come up with titles till the end)

Anyway, here I go

G Halluel, can you get any closer too it?
H I can try.

The hidden camera shakes a bit as Halluel wades through the crowd to get closer to the body, thankfully the staff hasn’t arrived on the scene yet.

My life would be so much easier if she would just have some cybernetics implanted into her eyes, but the little freak won’t hear it.

H Is this close enough.

G Yeah.

H What can you make of it?

G Eh, it’s pretty banged up, I’d say whoever did this beat her a few times after killing her.

G Maybe they even enjoied it.

H This reminds me a bit of my ex-boyfriend.

G Which one?

H A few of them actually.

G You kill them yourself?

H Nah, most of them died trying to escape across a street without looking.

G You took them captive?

H No, I just followed them for a while.

H I couldn’t even tell a lot of them that we were dating before they died.

I cringe a bit behind the screen. The fact that Halluel’s insanity is now what I’d consider normal is annoying. At least I don’t have to deal with her in person.

I chuckle into the microphone.

H What’s so funny?

G I never thought the day would come when your stories would stop surprising me.

H What can I saw, I’m growing on you.

G I guess so.

My computer begins to play the ringtone I’d set for our client, as I figured it would the instant Halluel stumbled upon the corpse.

G Ms. Banks is calling, I’m going to add her to our line.

H Okay.

J Hello.

H Hi.

J Oh, it’s you. I thought I called the sane one.

G That would be me.

J Thank goodness. I don’t know if I could have kept my patience if I had to talk to the assassin.

H Why not, I think I could hold your attention pretty well.

H I’ve got tons of interesting stories.

H I even divide them into categories.

G Halluel…

H Like stories about funny sounds people made when they were killed, stories about my exes, stories about interesting stuff I saw on T.V.

J Mr. Crowe could you…

H I even have stories about before I started to kill people. You know my kindergarten years.

G Halluel, please stop.

J Mr. Crowe could you please contact me privately without your assassin present.

G Sorry, but Halluel doesn’t like to be left out.

H Nah, go ahead.

G Well okay, just don’t get pissy later.

I reconnect to Ms. Banks using a private channel.

J Are we alone Mr. Crowe.

G Yes, we’re alone.

J As I was trying to say before the girl interrupted me, do you have any new information.

G Not really, we can tell a bit about the way the killer kills just from sight, but that’s about it.

G Don’t worry though, Halluel will protect you so you can sleep soundly tonight.

J That’s not my worry.

J I simply want this issue resolved as quickly as possible.

[cesullivan]

This is interesting. I like that you don't give a lot of exposition before you get to the hook, and I can tell that even though you're not telling us everything upfront, you know who your characters are. (Although hopefully, you will be telling us more about them over the course of the story.)

I know this sounds like a little thing, but I would actually like to know where the camera is hidden. That would only take a little bit of clarification...just changing it to something like "the camera hidden in [her lapel, or wherever the camera is supposed to be]."

You do have some spelling mistakes, and what seem to be errors in punctuation.

[Trouble Time]

Ah, thank you for the critique. Now I can finally stop my not writing until I know my opening doesn't suck option select. I do eventually explain where the camera is later as part of a joke though. It's somewhere that wouldn't work on someone other than Halluel.