Bun's Oven [Critique Welcomed] [11/4/15]

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Hazel-Bun
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Bun's Oven [Critique Welcomed] [11/4/15]

#1 Post by Hazel-Bun » Thu Nov 28, 2013 12:01 pm

Hey all, and a Happy Thanksgiving if you celebrate it! I decided to make a writing thread to receive feedback, improve and also get some prompts when my ink runs dry so to speak. I'll post up one of my short stories here for feedback to kick things off.

I'll also be taking prompts if you want to throw them my way. Later gators :)
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A Suburban Shade of Green #1: Maddie and the Fly Trap
Maddie murdered the gardener at exactly 2:30 PM late Sunday afternoon. She took a candle stick to her head and dumped the body in the back shed. Maddie waited and waited and waited for someone to come and reprimand her, for committing such a naughty deed. But no one came, she was alone and the smell of death lingered late into the afternoon...

Around 4:54 PM, she decided it was about time to take a nap. Killing and waiting for someone that wouldn't come made for a very tired little girl. She curled up on the sofa and closed her eyes. But in the darkness a feeling began to take over her soul. What was swimming and swirling and morphing and settling into a rock in her gut...?

Who knows...?

Maddie decided after a long while of fumbling in the darkness, that she did not care to know the answer to that oh-so-allusive question. So, instead, got up groggily to pilfer through the refrigerator. Up the steps, to the left and there she found it in the dimly lit room across the hall.

Once there, she realized all at once that nothing was there. Well, there was something, but it was not anything desirable to a growing little girl. Just rot, rot, fruit bugs and maggots from week old rancid meat was left to eat. She stared for a long time and then wept. There was nothing left... Maddie sobbed openly and then laughed maniacally, weakly clutching her bony arms together. Mama always said the world was going to hell on a ham basket. Maybe, because she was such a bad little girl, the little imps from down under had come and stolen all the meat.

A buzzing sound engulfed the tiny space and she found herself running for shelter under her bed. Pushing and pushing through two week old wrappers and a dead Great Dane affectionately named Forever Faithful. She hid there for some time. She hid there for what seemed like forever. Maddie was watched over by Beelzebub and all his friends as she did.

Around 6:25 PM, a lone, sickly green fly landed on top Maddie's precious nose. She'd long since curled onto her side near the doorway, her church dress smothered in dirt and once shining locks matted and full of various something’s that shouldn't be there. She hummed a quiet tune in unison with the loud buzzing of the wings, as the sun set and the sky exploded in beautiful hues singing out creation's glory. Maddie smiled and weakly curled up on the green sofa to take a nap. The little trek was exhausting and she felt weak in her bones. It might have been better to have stayed on the floor. But young Maddie was too weak and too tired to care for such insignificant little details. She was tired, oh so tired and just needed a nap.

Yes, a short nap.



Around 12 AM the following morning, the neighbors noticed a terrible smell coming from the Smith residence. They'd been on vacation for two whole weeks. Much longer than usual and curiously had packed up many of their belongings...

Old Man Johnson decided to check it out, as he dumped his work gloves in his own shed, in the backyard. There was something fishy about the whole thing and he was always one to figure such things out. Dig for the truth no matter what. After all, little ole precious Miss Maddie hadn't come to visit and tend to his garden in as many weeks’ time...
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Last edited by Hazel-Bun on Wed Nov 04, 2015 10:53 pm, edited 18 times in total.

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#2 Post by Armee » Fri Nov 29, 2013 1:36 am

The opening is a little awkward for my taste. Your writing is fairly enjoyable, it's quite lovely<3
You're a great writer, Bun! Hope you were will improve more!
About prompts, hmmmm, how about: Two friends sit under the starry sky and talking about their memories.

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed][Prompts Wanted]

#3 Post by Hazel-Bun » Mon Dec 02, 2013 7:51 pm

Armee wrote:The opening is a little awkward for my taste. Your writing is fairly enjoyable, it's quite lovely<3
You're a great writer, Bun! Hope you were will improve more!
About prompts, hmmmm, how about: Two friends sit under the starry sky and talking about their memories.
Thanks man! Haha I can see how it can be awkward. I'll be filling your prompt soon and might make a little mini-series about Advent to go along with it and post it every week up until Christmas :)

Here's another short story from my readwave.
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The Color of Hope: Do You Dream of Martians on the Moon? Part 1


12/2/XX

When I am alone and within the deep, deep, embrace of a world that isn't my own... I find myself dreaming a dream so real it must not have been imagined. I dream of little green men marching along, as they build a castle of meteor bits that shine like stars on the moon. I dream a dream in which I am their queen and they my loyal servants. And, next to me, always, always and forevermore is HIM. He is next to me, holding me, I feel so safe... The White Prince. My refuge and salvation. My eternal love. A figment of a broken imagination. A fragment of a far of memory that is not my own.
They call me crazy but they don't understand. They don't understand... No one understands!? Believe... In the power of dreams...?
Star*Lee

"ANDROMEDA! Wake up this instant and come downstairs for breakfast. Now young lady, or I'm coming upstairs to get you! I won't have you starve yourself anymore, it's time for you to come back to the world of the living." The shrill, almost harpy-pitch of my mother sends me flying out of my bed. Somehow, in a tangle of sheets, I end up face first down on the cold, hard, floor. Wonderful! Just how I wanted to start off my day.

"Coming Mother! I'm coming just give me--"

"No excuses! Hurry up!" She doesn't even give me a moment before I hear the all too familiar slam of the door. Sighing, I move to lift myself up and promptly tumble back down to the floor. I'm weak. I haven't eaten in days. I know I need to, but I can't help but skip my meals. I don't know when it started, this overwhelming desire to not do as I am told... but now I wish I'd just bit the bullet and stuffed myself last night at Uncle Joe's. Everything hurts...

Everything hurts now that I am no longer asleep...

Somehow I manage to thrust myself towards my bathroom door. Moving across the tiled room, barefoot, I'm suddenly assaulted by a wash of light. It's morning in this sleepy town tucked into a cliffsedge. It's morning, the third morning, since I've found myself locked away in this godforsaken house.

Moving to the shower and tugging away at the silky sheets that are still tangled around me, I dive in headfirst. It's already bruised, why try to be gentle now? Somehow I slip out of the white shirt I use as my pjs and turn the knob, closing the glass door behind me. It's freezing! Mother didn't leave any hot water for me. Go figure. F*ck!

Combing my hands through my thick mass of black hair, I prepare myself for the worst part of each and everyday. The moment when the dreams mix with reality. I rarely know which is which. All I know is that it's terrifying when two things that should never mix end up doing so... Squeezing my eyes shut, I can feel it crawling across me. My hair comes out in thick, inky splotches and finds it's way down to the shower drain. Drip... Drip... Drip... Splash! Heavy, it's so heavy as all the colors melt and mix and wash away.

I can feel my hands struggling to move against it, washing it away. The dips and curves of my shrunken stomach and knobby ankles and twig like arms disturb me. I'm wasting away in that dream world. I know this, but can't stop myself from sleeping can I? I can't stop myself no matter how much I try...

Reaching for the soap, I end up slipping and banging myself against the showers door. Dang it--Dang it--Damn it!!? Where did it go?

"Come on... come on!!" Reaching around, fumbling in the darkness, unwilling to open my eyes proves to be useless. I have to open them. I have to...

Steeling myself as I've done so so many times before, slowly, I open my eyes and scream in absolute terror. I'm blinded by a wash of colors. Black, white, sky blue, yellow... The green of my eyes all mix into a horrid, ugly, mass of something. The walls are melting, the shower is gone, I find myself floating in a blanket of stars.

Stop it!! Stop it!! I don't want to see this... Please, someone, anyone... Mommy--

"Tsk. Tsk. My Queen, why do you do this? Every morning, every sunrise, you try to escape from me in the land of the living. Comeback to me. Come with me... please... darling."

"No... No... Stop it!! I told you I can't anymore. Mother said I did it again last night. You have to stop it please I can't--"

Glass shatters. I tumble. He's here to take me away again...

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#4 Post by Hazel-Bun » Fri Dec 20, 2013 1:41 am

I haven't forgotten your request Armee, and will have it up by tomorrow or Saturday at the latest!! Still open for prompt request if anyone's interested :) Another piece from my readwave which is a prologue to a much longer story. Next update will be much longer and an except from a short novel I'm working on.
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Cloverfield Chronicles: Paisley Shannon
"I would like to take this time to commemorate all of your hard work and efforts ladies. We have the prestigious honor of being named the number one greenhouse in all of South Sector! But our task does not, end, here. Though we might be number one, it does not mean all of you should not strive for greatness. Only the purest, brightest young flower will be named our future Queen Mother! You are dismissed and remember ladies, enlighten yourself daily for no flower can bloom in the darkness."

"Yes Queen Mother. All hail Queen Mother!"

Paisley Shannon took a deep breath and held it in as the throngs of young girls saluted. It took every fiber in her being not to roll her eyes at the display, her neck aching as she had to strain to see over the tops of their heads. Being short was not a blessing when it came to ceremonies like these. Fearing the wrath of her peers, she too shouted and cheered, half-heartedly so.

A ray of light beamed down from the ceiling where the Queen Mother stood. Deafening applause trailed after her as she turned and entered the light. Once it was gone, there was absolute darkness. Then, slowly, the curtains were pulled and illuminated the gray space devoid of any real beauty aside from the girls. They relaxed then, turning to one another, re-animated from their stiff, statue like attention.

Paisley could hear all around her excitement and smug comments of satisfaction that their house had been crowned number one in their sector. The fear that had gripped it since the attack not to long ago, had all but melted away from the announcement. Everyone was happy except for Paisley that is. She was downright pissed off in fact.

Didn't these idiots understand it was all one giant ruse, meant to distract them? And that tonight they'd have to spend twice as long doing their regulated chores, because of it!?

But, Paisley mused as she scanned the crowd for her friends, how could she blame them? Most of the girls there were young, all were under the age of sixteen in fact aside from her and a few others. They simply didn't know or and understand the importance of this day, the coming days. In her case, she only knew because she'd broken one of the cardinal rules when growing up. Never, ever, read for causal pleasure. And like the curiosity that killed the cat, Paisley had acquired information that had long since broken her delusional trance.

She didn't think it was very pleasing knowledge to have in the first place.

"Move out!" Paisley's honey brown eyes flicked upwards, another offense, as their Youth Leader ordered them to file out. Like the rest, she dutifully got into a single file line in accordance to her rank, age, name and number. Paisley was never one compile on the first order though. Her eyes lingered on the strange being being hoisted center stage, left behind by the Queen Mother and the centerpiece of the past ceremony. It didn't look like them but, in the back of her mind, she knew that it was in fact human if not completely female in nature.

It's skin was startling different then her own. While hers was pale and heavily puckered do to faulty genes and over exposure to sun light... theirs was a deep tan to the point it look to be mahogany. Their hair was extremely long and matted as well, braided in some places intertwined with beads. She could make out strange markings on its skin of white and blue and a tainted sort of gold morphing into an intricate pattern once seen, in full. Paisley could not make out the face or eyes but knew they'd burn with angry humiliation nonetheless. Everything about it was bigger, stronger, leaner, flatter... foreign and strange.

There eyes met in the last moments before she'd disappear from the hall, and Paisley couldn't help but gasp as coal like eyes glared at her, through her, sending electricity jumping down her spine.

Paisley knew she shouldn't dwell on that being as she was sucked into the darkness, only lit by a faint glow of futuristic buttons and filled with the pitter-pattering feet of little girls. She had much to worry about in the coming days leading up to selection. But she couldn't help but marvel at its title, it's form, the sheer terrifying beauty of something so new and unknown.

Man. Man. What breed of flower, of woman, was that she wondered in vain...?

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#5 Post by Hazel-Bun » Sun Dec 22, 2013 11:14 pm

Here you go Armee! Ended up tying it in with a Christmas writing challenge haha! Hope you enjoy it.
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Bittersweet Seasonal Greetings
"I'd kill for a chance to go back Mel, even for a moment; I'd kill right now. All this Christmas cheer going around is making me sick to my stomach."

Melinda Perkins nodded slowly, sending her curly dark brown hair swishing to and fro. Though she wouldn't admit it, she felt just the same as Adam, sitting next to her under that patchy night sky, the air bitter even though winter snows hadn’t hit the ground quite yet. A space apart, in a park, on a bench they sat. Overlooking families, couples observing the Christmas lights while listening to some too jazzy rendition of a Christmas tune. In the heart of the city, it was unusual to see anything but blinding, manmade lights. But, on that night, very vividly, the sky was painted in a wash of stars so bright and near it looked as if it would burn whoever reached up towards them. One shined brighter than all the rest, due north. It was Christmas Eve in the city that never slept and Melinda couldn’t help but feel a crushing sadness overcoming any semblance of joy that might have come from that fact.

Nine months to the day. It was nine months to the day when she'd heard the news that her fiancé had lost his life, been claimed, in those flames…

Ah, how sweet memories are yet so biting when you're living not in the moment but the past. Melinda had been nothing more than a sleep walker drifting from day to day, lost, longing, wishing, wanting what couldn’t be and, ultimately, going to her knees again and again in despair, in prayer, looking for answers that wouldn't come, feeling a tentative yearning for peace blocked by a wall called “DANIEL”.

"What do you think?"

"Huh?"

"I said, what do you think?"

“About what?”

“Je~sus Mel! You never listen no more. I said what do you think of the lights they put up? You think they look nice?”

“Sure.”

“I bet you do. And the sky? The weather? Okay too?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“And this music? Really hits the spot, huh?”

“Of course.”

“Hmmm. And me, I’m the greatest that ever lived, right?”

“Uh-huh… wait. What!?”

He laughed and she frowned, her lips trying their hardest not to quirk at his childish antics. They sat back in a comfortable silence, existing solely in that moment, minds worlds apart though their bodies were so close.

“Do you remember when we was kids and Danny’s parents would take us down to the park? Just the three of us playing and bustin’ our asses on the ice?”

“Haha of course! How could I forget!”

“Those were the times weren’t they?”

“Yes…” Melinda’s voice hollowed as she watched a family pass, fingering her rosary beads as Adam’s eyes hardened.

“Are you keeping it?”

“Keeping what?”

“It.”

“My baby, Daniel?”

“Yeah, like I said, it.”

“…” Melinda couldn’t quite answer then. She looked to the sky for a sign. After all, she'd been living her days by the whims of fate since then. No input just output like a computer by the imaginary hand that guided her. Miraculously, it had kept her safe since then. And their child. They had been kept safe and sound. She was thankful for that at least.

Adam turned to Melinda, snubbing out the cigarette he'd been half-heartedly smoking. A third wheel, he mused laying his bearded chin in the palm of his hand, even in death he was still the third wheel. It was like his friend had never passed, it sickened him to feel jealous even then. He’d grown to cope, if not long for more, a resolution to all his what ifs. But looking into those glassy doe like eyes… he knew it wasn’t his place to push. Not yet, maybe never. It didn't matter, it never had. His love, he'd realized long ago, would always be one-sided. His friendship treasured, his desires regulated to a far corner of his mind. The least he could do was be there for her now. Maybe not in place of his friend, but for his friend, for her, and the life they'd created together. He didn’t believe in Santa Claus or miracles or any of that nonsense. Never had. But maybe, just maybe, he could be that and much more for the wisp of the girl he use to know beside him.

“Merry Christmas Melinda. You gotta’ spend it with me so consider this an early gift.”

“Merry Christmas to you too Adam. Oh look?”

“What?”

“Isn’t that strange, the star looks like it’s fading away…”

“Maybe it’s just time it shines its light on someone else in the world you think?”

“Beautiful. It’s so beautiful don't you think?”

“…”

“…Adam?”

“Yeah, it sure is…”

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#6 Post by Hazel-Bun » Wed Jan 01, 2014 12:26 am

Looking for prompts to jump start the new year :)

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#7 Post by Armee » Thu Jan 02, 2014 9:01 am

H, I spot a small little grammar mistake, I thought it was 'were' :3
when we was kids

I haven't checked this thread for awhile, such a lovely story 8DDDDDD

I'm going to throw at ya another prompt
A girl talks to her friend about their sweet memories together. At the end of the story, she suddenly cries because her friend is actually dead and she was talking alone :=]

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#8 Post by Haze » Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:24 pm

Hazel-Bun wrote:Looking for prompts to jump start the new year :)
Prompts, huh? Well, how about a high school student, who though he/she knew what they were going to do with their life, suddenly realizing that he/she wants to do something else? Such as, he/she decided way back in middle school, and he/she hasn't felt inclined to change—until now. Of course, you're free to ignore me and go with Armee's prompt. XD
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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#9 Post by Hazel-Bun » Thu Jan 02, 2014 12:32 pm

Armee wrote:H, I spot a small little grammar mistake, I thought it was 'were' :3
when we was kids

I haven't checked this thread for awhile, such a lovely story 8DDDDDD

I'm going to throw at ya another prompt
A girl talks to her friend about their sweet memories together. At the end of the story, she suddenly cries because her friend is actually dead and she was talking alone :=]
Oops! Yeah that isn't proper grammar so good catch :0 I think I was going for a slang sort of speech but, that's true nonetheless.

This thread is for you so why you no check it!!? Lol thanks :) What is with you and these tragic friendship prompts? ...I like it *shot*
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Haze wrote:
Hazel-Bun wrote:Looking for prompts to jump start the new year :)
Prompts, huh? Well, how about a high school student, who though he/she knew what they were going to do with their life, suddenly realizing that he/she wants to do something else? Such as, he/she decided way back in middle school, and he/she hasn't felt inclined to change—until now. Of course, you're free to ignore me and go with Armee's prompt. XD
Lol of course not! Thank you for the prompt. It's a nice break from my other more serious ones for sure. I'll fill this one and Armee's soon enough. Just needed something to break away from AtPF for a bit.

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed] [Searching for Prompt

#10 Post by SimonLayton » Sun Jan 05, 2014 5:51 am

Hi Hazel! :D First off, your writing is great, and all your stories' plots are awesome! I have this odd fondness for the first drabble. c:

And since you like critique, I hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents. ;O;

Avoid writing very thick paragraphs, like in Bittersweet Seasonal Greetings. They're not bad, but make it pleasant to the eye for the reader, so they wouldn't just skim through the paragraph or skip ahead because it was too long.

Same goes for dialogues, like the opening of Cloverfield Chronicles. If it's unavoidable that the dialogue will be really long, say, a character explaining something, then add a break. For example:
"I'd kill for a chance to go back, Mel, even for a moment," he said quietly to her. "I'd kill right now. All this Christmas cheer going around is making me sick to my stomach."
"Tsk. Tsk. My Queen, why do you do this?" A dreamy voice sang. "Every morning, every sunrise, you try to escape from me in the land of the living. Come back to me. Come with me... please... darling."
And, unless you're writing in VN-style (although I would usually stir away from that), try to avoid writing dialogues that only consist of ellipses. You can always substitute it with, "Adam fell silent." "He didn't say anything." "No reply."

That's my two cents, feel free to throw it away. xD But I look forward to reading more of your drabbles and stories. Keep it up! :3
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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed] [Searching for Prompt

#11 Post by Hazel-Bun » Sun Jan 05, 2014 4:02 pm

SimonLayton wrote:Hi Hazel! :D First off, your writing is great, and all your stories' plots are awesome! I have this odd fondness for the first drabble. c:

And since you like critique, I hope you don't mind me throwing in my two cents. ;O;

Avoid writing very thick paragraphs, like in Bittersweet Seasonal Greetings. They're not bad, but make it pleasant to the eye for the reader, so they wouldn't just skim through the paragraph or skip ahead because it was too long.

Same goes for dialogues, like the opening of Cloverfield Chronicles. If it's unavoidable that the dialogue will be really long, say, a character explaining something, then add a break. For example:
"I'd kill for a chance to go back, Mel, even for a moment," he said quietly to her. "I'd kill right now. All this Christmas cheer going around is making me sick to my stomach."
"Tsk. Tsk. My Queen, why do you do this?" A dreamy voice sang. "Every morning, every sunrise, you try to escape from me in the land of the living. Come back to me. Come with me... please... darling."
And, unless you're writing in VN-style (although I would usually stir away from that), try to avoid writing dialogues that only consist of ellipses. You can always substitute it with, "Adam fell silent." "He didn't say anything." "No reply."

That's my two cents, feel free to throw it away. xD But I look forward to reading more of your drabbles and stories. Keep it up! :3
Hello Simon and thank you so much for the first critique! It means a lot *catches two cent* and it's very helpful, don't throw it away >0! I'm glad you've enjoyed my little rambles so far.

Chunky paragraphs are the bane of my existence along with excessive ellipses so thanks for pointing that out. I'll make a conservative effort to fix those two habits I have for sure. Some of it is do to the fact that I rip these stories from my readwave that has a strict 800 word limit. So things you'd usually use to break up stories/dialogue makes it go over. But when I re-post them here, I'll be sure to keep your advice in mind and also space out the paragraphs better ^^
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I'm currently working on your prompt request (Haze and Armee) and should have them up by the end of the week ^^ It's currently in the negatives with almost eight more inches of snow expected so I have nothing else to do but write till school starts xD

I have this feeling I want to turn one of these drabbles into a short KN but I'm holding back because a). That's another VN/KN I don't need to be doing and b). It's just me getting burnt out by my current work and wanting to make a switch.

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed] [Searching for Prompt

#12 Post by Haze » Mon Jan 06, 2014 12:14 pm

8 inches of snow? Wow, that's a lot! I had some snow yesterday(Sunday), but aside from a 5 minute rainstorm today(which settled into a drizzle for a bit afterward), I don't think anything else is going to come down, at least not today.

Kinda random, but I know what you mean about burnout. What happens with me is that I'll write my VN/story, but then I'll get tired of writing and move on to something else(not exactly burnout, but...). Usually, when I get tired of writing, I'll take a short break and then go back to writing. My break usually consists of this one puzzle game that I like playing-3 levels, and then back to work-but the game is getting progressively harder, so the 3 levels are taking longer and longer...XD

Anyway, when you don't know what to write in your story, it is a good idea to write something else, like you're doing. What I like to do, though, is if I don't know what's going to happen when I start a story, I move on to a place where I do know what's going to happen. Beginning, middle, end...it really doesn't matter; I can go back to the beginning later. That's what I do with my VNs actually-start writing in an "Idea Dumper"(it doesn't matter how bad the writing, or how good) and write what I know: that scene at the end, or maybe some part in the middle. When I'm done writing what I know about a scene, I usually have a good idea for another scene, and then I'll write that next scene. Usually, I'll put some sort of divider(asterisk, or 5 underscores, like this: _____) between scenes. Then, I edit/rephrase everything later so it sounds good(since this is for a VN, I'm probably doing this part in Renpy/Editra) and put the story in order while I'm doing that(since writing different scenes means that the story might not be in order in my "Idea Dumper"). I usually think of better ways to write things during the editing/rephrasing process anyway.

I did this in in my VN Monster Uses CPU 2, actually, except a little different. Since each character has their own relatively short chat session, if I didn't know how to continue one character's chat, I would move on to a new character. Some of them I was able to do in one swoop, though.

That was pretty random, wasn't it? Sorry...

Oh wait, one more random thing. I just started this book called The Art of War For Writers by James Scott Bell, and I suggest you give it a read. It delivers each concept in bite-sized chunks of only a few pages, so it's very easy to read, and the advice in it is very good. Very, very good.

Also, I looked up "drabble" yesterday. Didn't know that was a word!
My first completed visual novel, which is at 1.3, it's final version(woo hoo!): Monster Uses CPU 2
Finally at version 1.0: White Fog
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I make one song every week, all for free download! This weeks song: Synthis- The Mirror(Eliana Remix)[Preview]

You might ask yourself: If I could only save one paragraph of the work I'm writing, which one would I save?
Which one would I let go first?

-from Understanding Rhetoric: A Graphic Guide to Writing by Elizabeth Losh, Johnathan Alexander, Kevin Cannon, and Zander Cannon

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed] [Searching for Prompt

#13 Post by Hazel-Bun » Wed Jan 15, 2014 11:39 pm

Haze wrote:8 inches of snow? Wow, that's a lot! I had some snow yesterday(Sunday), but aside from a 5 minute rainstorm today(which settled into a drizzle for a bit afterward), I don't think anything else is going to come down, at least not today.

Kinda random, but I know what you mean about burnout. What happens with me is that I'll write my VN/story, but then I'll get tired of writing and move on to something else(not exactly burnout, but...). Usually, when I get tired of writing, I'll take a short break and then go back to writing. My break usually consists of this one puzzle game that I like playing-3 levels, and then back to work-but the game is getting progressively harder, so the 3 levels are taking longer and longer...XD

Anyway, when you don't know what to write in your story, it is a good idea to write something else, like you're doing. What I like to do, though, is if I don't know what's going to happen when I start a story, I move on to a place where I do know what's going to happen. Beginning, middle, end...it really doesn't matter; I can go back to the beginning later. That's what I do with my VNs actually-start writing in an "Idea Dumper"(it doesn't matter how bad the writing, or how good) and write what I know: that scene at the end, or maybe some part in the middle. When I'm done writing what I know about a scene, I usually have a good idea for another scene, and then I'll write that next scene. Usually, I'll put some sort of divider(asterisk, or 5 underscores, like this: _____) between scenes. Then, I edit/rephrase everything later so it sounds good(since this is for a VN, I'm probably doing this part in Renpy/Editra) and put the story in order while I'm doing that(since writing different scenes means that the story might not be in order in my "Idea Dumper"). I usually think of better ways to write things during the editing/rephrasing process anyway.

I did this in in my VN Monster Uses CPU 2, actually, except a little different. Since each character has their own relatively short chat session, if I didn't know how to continue one character's chat, I would move on to a new character. Some of them I was able to do in one swoop, though.

That was pretty random, wasn't it? Sorry...

Oh wait, one more random thing. I just started this book called The Art of War For Writers by James Scott Bell, and I suggest you give it a read. It delivers each concept in bite-sized chunks of only a few pages, so it's very easy to read, and the advice in it is very good. Very, very good.

Also, I looked up "drabble" yesterday. Didn't know that was a word!
Yup! And it kept coming for a while yet D: They're calling it the polar vortex and I really need Canada to tell the polar bears to stay up North. I'm glad you're not feeling the freeze though :)

I'm so glad someone can relate, even if it's kind of petty to want others to get this feeling lol. I've found that walks, rest, some good relaxation and medicine cocktails really do the trick for me. It's similar to how I feel when I get stressed about a really big paper or spend all night editing one of my short stories, but on a much larger scale. That and now I feel so pressured to make my writing at least decent seeing as all the people that have helped me out so far deserve better than me at my best, you know?

You know it's pretty hilarious and weird that we have exactly the same method of getting over writers block/fatigue!! Everything you've mentioned is exactly what I do, even down to the process of how I do it, when trying to get back into the swing of things 0o0 I have a little AtPF dump where I just plot the over all story. Sometimes I write bits and pieces and even one shot AUs for it there when I get stuck or am trying to figure a character/scene/major plot point out. I've found it extremely helpful.

No, it's fine, I'm always random lol It was insightful and just the boost I needed when I read it when you first posted it, and now. Thanks for commenting :)

Awesome, I'll be sure to check it out! My Mom had me read "Art of War" because dealing in corporate America, she says a lot of the tactics are the same on a random note haha

Didn't know either until I saw one of my group buddies named her little writers corner that. The actual definition is close to the types of flash fiction I write (6 word stories and the ones I post here for example), so I found it fitting.

Here's your prompt by the way! Filled them out of order because of reasons unknown. Aka, I'm lazy and unorganized >>"! Enjoy. I wrote it tonight so excuse any errors. This is another Readwave rip, so sorry that it doesn't look like I took any of your advice Simon! I really did take it to heart and will apply it to a story soon.

I'll post Armee's soon enough and then maybe some six word stories for a while. Have to get to my art request among other things too so they'll be a nice break from "longer" works.
<><><>
Decisions, Decisions
It suddenly hit me one morning after the first bell had rung, and all the students began filling into class, that I had absolutely no idea what in the hell I was doing there. And not there in the sense of why I was at school. After all, I knew that much. My parents had forced me to come. I meant there as in in the present, what steps had lead me to sitting in my final semester of high school English with nothing to say on our final paper.

You see my teacher was one of those non-conventional English types that took great glee in tormenting her students by giving them unusual and, quite frankly, ridiculous prompts. So after a whole semester of focusing in on short stories, allegory, all that garbage really... she decided it was a good idea to make our final exam completely unrelated.

Wonderful!

That special essay took the form of the question, "What Are You Going to Make of Yourself Twenty Years From Now?"

As I sat nervously in the back row (thankfully close to the window so I could daydream the mechanics of literature away), I couldn't help but be floored at how quickly my buddies in class set pen to paper and inked it up. Even Dennis, the class clown, had more to say than me. Their mad scribbling was dumbfounding. I, on the other hand, sat with a blank look and an even blanker piece of paper twirling my pencil ideally between my fingers tips.

They told me I could be anything when I grew up, so I decided that when I finally hit the grand old age of eighteen, I'd become a prince. That sounds like a strange dream for a boy, I know. Only girls dreamed about being royalty when they're little, one would have to assume, with all the movies geared to them with sparkling little half-wit princesses kissing frogs and the like. But, for me at least, I thought myself ahead of the curve. Play hard, no work, ladies begging to be with me.

Perfect!

When I hit middle school though, I ditched that dream, and was sure I'd be a major league baseball player. But that too passed. All my friends had it figured out then and I was left day dreaming with me, myself and I. But the sad truth is that I've always just been "decent" in everything I do. Decent. I came to hate that word and its connotations. And I started to hate myself too. Why was it that the almighty me, who had everything mapped out, suddenly found themselves wrapped up with that daunting question of...

"Ten minutes left." Mrs. Wormwood's harpy pitch voice had cut into my thoughts like a dagger. Ten minutes. In ten minutes I had to sum up how I'd gone from knowing exactly what I wanted to do with my life to knowing nothing at all.

Doable!

I could feel the zeitgeist of the hour signalling my doom. Sighing, I put down the only thing I could think of on the fly. It wasn't pretty, but it was something, and my Mama always said a try is better than a failure.

I sure as hell hoped so.

Dear Mrs. Wormwood,

I know this isn't suppose to be a letter but I'm making it one. You said think outside the box so I decided to format my essay like a triangle rather than the cube you'd expect from us. To be quite honest, I have no idea what I want to do in the future. When I picture myself in twenty years, my vision ranges all the way from a rock star to the homeless man you're always telling us about, that asks for spare change outside of McDonalds.

I don't know what I want to be. I have no idea what the future holds for me. And, to be quite honest, I'm a little more than shocked you'd ask us to play God in a fifty-five minute period and see into the future. How in the heck am I suppose to know? I call upon my first amendment rights to separate church and state and say to you this.

What does it matter? Whatever I put down now will change in the future for sure. Or even once I walk outside this door. So instead, I'm going to live my life for the moment. I'm going to live my life like I won't have another shot at it and hope for the best.

In short, I'll become a hippy.

Please be kind with your red ink tonight as you sit down to grade a hundred and odd papers because, lets face it, no amount of passive aggressive comments with frowny face stickers is really going to set me down the path to success, now will it?

Sincerely Your Favorite Trouble-Maker,
Jeffery McClain


I got an A.

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#14 Post by Haze » Fri Jan 17, 2014 12:21 pm

Yup! And it kept coming for a while yet D: They're calling it the polar vortex and I really need Canada to tell the polar bears to stay up North. I'm glad you're not feeling the freeze though :)

I'm so glad someone can relate, even if it's kind of petty to want others to get this feeling lol. I've found that walks, rest, some good relaxation and medicine cocktails really do the trick for me. It's similar to how I feel when I get stressed about a really big paper or spend all night editing one of my short stories, but on a much larger scale. That and now I feel so pressured to make my writing at least decent seeing as all the people that have helped me out so far deserve better than me at my best, you know?

You know it's pretty hilarious and weird that we have exactly the same method of getting over writers block/fatigue!! Everything you've mentioned is exactly what I do, even down to the process of how I do it, when trying to get back into the swing of things 0o0 I have a little AtPF dump where I just plot the over all story. Sometimes I write bits and pieces and even one shot AUs for it there when I get stuck or am trying to figure a character/scene/major plot point out. I've found it extremely helpful.

No, it's fine, I'm always random lol It was insightful and just the boost I needed when I read it when you first posted it, and now. Thanks for commenting :)
Woah, we have the same technique?! Didn't know that! When I first posted that, I realized after that I might be accidentally spamming you(since it didn't have much to do with the topic...), but it looks like I didn't, so that's good.

I think that's interesting, about how you believe people deserve more than you at your best. Personally, I think people would be fine with you at your best as long as your best has a good writing style. That's what I think, anyway. Just try not too push yourself too hard- then, people might not get you at your anything! :lol:

I actually saw the drabble a little after you posted it, too, but I realized "It's late at night. I can make a better comment in the morning"...and then I didn't get the chance to comment at all the next day. XD Sorry about that!

Oh, and just because I didn't get any snow doesn't mean it wasn't freezing cold! Seriously, it was 0-20 degrees for about a week! Good thing I have a hat. It has dog ears on it, too. Aww...

Ok, on to the drabble!

First, little nitpicks/typos:

Didn't really like the cursing bits, since I don't like cursing in the first place and I try to avoid it when I can as a general rule.
I meant there as in in the present, what steps had lead me to sitting in my final semester of high school English with nothing to say on our final paper.
You might want to italicize "there"; make it stand out a little more. Italicizing "there" in the second sentence(of the whole drabble, not just this bit) might be a good idea, too. Also, "present" doesn't seem like quite the right word here, but I'm not quite sure what word would be better. Hmmm...
So after a whole semester of focusing in on short stories, allegory
"Allegory" should be plural since "short stories" is plural("...of focusing on short stories, allegories...")
You see my teacher was one of those non-conventional English types that took great glee in tormenting her students by giving them unusual and, quite frankly, ridiculous prompts. So after a whole semester of focusing in on short stories, allegory, all that garbage really... she decided it was a good idea to make our final exam completely unrelated.
Although you mention the essay a little later, I think you should mention it here. When you bring it up later, it seems to come out of nowhere, and it takes a minute to connect the essay to the final. You might want to consider something like "...our final exam completely unrelated-an essay with one of her telltale ridiculous prompts" or "...students by giving them essays with unusual and, quite frankly, ridiculous prompts." I understand though- you only have a limited number of words, if I recall. Also, comma after "see"("You see, my teacher...")
I couldn't help but be floored at how quickly my buddies in class...
"Buddies in class" is slightly redundant. I would say either just "buddies" or change it to "classmates"
But, for me at least, I thought myself ahead of the curve. Play hard, no work, ladies begging to be with me.
I would add a comma after "me" and take out the one after "but"("But for me, at least...") since that flows a little better. Also, you might want to say "as for me" instead of just "for me".
Perfect!
Since all the other "one word paragraphs"(so to speak) are all sarcastic, I don't recommend having one that's not. The reader(i.e me) expects a sarcastic undertone, but the protag seems to be serious here. So, you should probably make this part a little longer; something like "Sounded like the perfect life for me!", "Seemed like a great career choice!", etc. would fit better. I know you have a word limit, though, so it makes since why it's only 1 word.
When I hit middle school though,
Should be a comma after "school"("When I hit middle school, though,..."). Once again, flow.
All my friends had it figured out then and I was left day dreaming with me, myself and I.
I think you should be a little more specific. The friends had figured out what? Deductive reasoning says they figured out what they wanted to do with their lives, but I think you should say that directly in the sentence. Something like "All my friends had figured out their passion by then..."(note: I took out the "it" after "had") or something similar would be a little better.
By the way, I love that "I was left day dreaming with me, myself, and I." line. :D
Why was it that the almighty me, who had everything mapped out, suddenly found themselves wrapped up...
"Themselves" should be "myself" since "me" is singular here. Or, if you want to have "me" as a separate entity(hey look that rhymes), you can use "itself".
wrapped up with that daunting question of...

"Ten minutes left." Mrs. Wormwood's harpy pitch voice had cut into my thoughts like a dagger.
Since she's interrupting the protag's thoughts, a dash would probably be better than a "...". I usually copy and paste one from Microsoft word for the best result. Example:"that daunting question of—
"Ten minutes left.""
The dash copied from Microsoft is slightly longer than the one you get by just pressing once on the keyboard(- vs —) which is why I recommend it for sentences like this. You probably already know, but you get the longer dash by putting 2 little dashes, putting a word in front of them, and pressing the spacebar. The 2 little dashes turn into 1 bigger dash.
I could feel the zeitgeist of the hour signalling my doom.
I looked up "zeitgeist", and it seems to be what defines a certain age or time, such as what makes the Renaissance the Renaissance. It doesn't seem to fit here, but it's a very interesting word! I'd never heard of it before! XD
and my Mama always said a try is better than a failure.
Assuming that his mother isn't dead, she isn't going to stop saying that. "Said" should be in present tense("...Mama always says a try is better than a failure")
the homeless man you're always telling us about, that asks for spare change outside of McDonalds.
You don't need the comma here. If you want to keep it, though, you should probably reword the sentence("...you're always telling us about, the one that asks for spare change outside of McDonalds.")

Ok, I think that's it for the negative stuff. Now, on to the positive things.

Oh my goodness. This line
In short, I'll become a hippy.
made me laugh so hard. I actually(somehow) saw it before finishing the story, and I was like "What? Really?" and I burst out laughing. Still, even when I got to my part, I started laughing again.

The "I got an A" line is a nice touch. Makes me wonder what the teacher thought about the essays that said "I want to be this" or "I want to be that" after reading the protag's "letter".

The part about being a prince is interesting, too. It's true- it's mostly girls that want to be royalty when they grow up. Kinda makes me wonder about the protag, though. What kind of guy is he? Has he had a lot of girlfriends, or something? I mean, he does say "Play hard, no work, ladies begging to be with me.", so...?

Gotta say- the prompt turned out way different than I imagined. For some reason, I pictured a girl when I first thought of it, but I decided to put "he/she" in my post for creative liberty's sake. I'm really happy with the direction you took with it. Nice job!

Augh, looking at the post preview; so much negativity(I'm such a nitpicker). How about you give me a prompt, and when I finish it(probably after the New Beginnings Jam), I can send it to you in a PM? Then, you can rip apart my writing too! So exciting! XD

Seriously though, I feel a little bad...
My first completed visual novel, which is at 1.3, it's final version(woo hoo!): Monster Uses CPU 2
Finally at version 1.0: White Fog
Image

Image

I make one song every week, all for free download! This weeks song: Synthis- The Mirror(Eliana Remix)[Preview]

You might ask yourself: If I could only save one paragraph of the work I'm writing, which one would I save?
Which one would I let go first?

-from Understanding Rhetoric: A Graphic Guide to Writing by Elizabeth Losh, Johnathan Alexander, Kevin Cannon, and Zander Cannon

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Re: Bun's Drabbles [Critique Welcomed]

#15 Post by Hazel-Bun » Thu Jan 23, 2014 12:43 am

Woah, we have the same technique?! Didn't know that! When I first posted that, I realized after that I might be accidentally spamming you(since it didn't have much to do with the topic...), but it looks like I didn't, so that's good.

I think that's interesting, about how you believe people deserve more than you at your best. Personally, I think people would be fine with you at your best as long as your best has a good writing style. That's what I think, anyway. Just try not too push yourself too hard- then, people might not get you at your anything! :lol:

I actually saw the drabble a little after you posted it, too, but I realized "It's late at night. I can make a better comment in the morning"...and then I didn't get the chance to comment at all the next day. XD Sorry about that!

Oh, and just because I didn't get any snow doesn't mean it wasn't freezing cold! Seriously, it was 0-20 degrees for about a week! Good thing I have a hat. It has dog ears on it, too. Aww...

Ok, on to the drabble!

. . .
Haha yup ^^ and no worries man, I'm learning to take better care of myself. Chocolate really does sooth the soul.

Hmm a prompt? How about, ahhh, a sci-fi in which you incorporate a couple or two close individuals having to decide which one receives the last twinkie in the universe before it all comes to an end somehow? Or, something less weird and morbid, use a collection of sorts (stamps, photos, rocks even) and tell a story with each piece connecting in some way.

Thank you so much for all the feedback and amfg you are NOT mean. That was all very straightforward and helpful like, -100 times negative amg. I'm glad it made you laugh a little too~

Here's some 6-word stories for now. I'll use your edits/Simon's and post up longer or and tweaked versions of the stories above and see how they flow and if what I added or subtracted helped any. And also fill Armee's prompt... and post up that art request... *cries, rolls and dies*
<><><>
Cult of the Youth

Sickness looms LARGE,
over health,
obsessed.
Never Forgiven, Never Forgotten

Tragedy,
like a hammer,
crushes. . .
S o u l s.
It Comes Knocking

Justice bares gavel.

Robber dons knot.
COINCIDENCE or FATE?

When does
COINCIDENCE
Just become
FATE?
Bonds Make or Break Us

Home is-
Bonding.
With hearts untouched...
Hypnotized

Life is a long, upwards, spiral.

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