WRITERS!!

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Omniknight
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WRITERS!!

#1 Post by Omniknight »

By David J. Parker

Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard

Ever since J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis created the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia, it seems like every windbag off the street thinks he can write great, original fantasy, too. The problem is that most of this "great, original fantasy" is actually poor, derivative fantasy. Frankly, we're sick of it, so we've compiled a list of rip-off tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think anybody considering writing a fantasy novel should be required to take this exam first. Answering "yes" to any one question results in failure and means that the prospective novel should be abandoned at once.


The Exam:

Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
How about one that will destroy it?
Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
How about a quintet or a decalogue?
Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
Is "common" the official language of your world?
Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
Read that question again and answer truthfully.

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Omniknight
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Re: WRITERS!!

#2 Post by Omniknight »

Just saying... I'm totally neutral... I do not endorse or discourage the opinions stated in this exam.

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WRITERS!!!

#3 Post by Omniknight »

By David J. Parker

Additional Material By Samuel Stoddard

Ever since J.R.R. Tolkien and C.S. Lewis created the worlds of Middle Earth and Narnia, it seems like every windbag off the street thinks he can write great, original fantasy, too. The problem is that most of this "great, original fantasy" is actually poor, derivative fantasy. Frankly, we're sick of it, so we've compiled a list of rip-off tip-offs in the form of an exam. We think anybody considering writing a fantasy novel should be required to take this exam first. Answering "yes" to any one question results in failure and means that the prospective novel should be abandoned at once. Perhaps a bit too extreme?


The Exam:

Does nothing happen in the first fifty pages?
Is your main character a young farmhand with mysterious parentage?
Is your main character the heir to the throne but doesn't know it?
Is your story about a young character who comes of age, gains great power, and defeats the supreme badguy?
Is your story about a quest for a magical artifact that will save the world?
How about one that will destroy it?
Does your story revolve around an ancient prophecy about "The One" who will save the world and everybody and all the forces of good?
Does your novel contain a character whose sole purpose is to show up at random plot points and dispense information?
Does your novel contain a character that is really a god in disguise?
Is the evil supreme badguy secretly the father of your main character?
Is the king of your world a kindly king duped by an evil magician?
Does "a forgetful wizard" describe any of the characters in your novel?
How about "a powerful but slow and kind-hearted warrior"?
How about "a wise, mystical sage who refuses to give away plot details for his own personal, mysterious reasons"?
Do the female characters in your novel spend a lot of time worrying about how they look, especially when the male main character is around?
Do any of your female characters exist solely to be captured and rescued?
Do any of your female characters exist solely to embody feminist ideals?
Would "a clumsy cooking wench more comfortable with a frying pan than a sword" aptly describe any of your female characters?
Would "a fearless warrioress more comfortable with a sword than a frying pan" aptly describe any of your female characters?
Is any character in your novel best described as "a dour dwarf"?
How about "a half-elf torn between his human and elven heritage"?
Did you make the elves and the dwarves great friends, just to be different?
Does everybody under four feet tall exist solely for comic relief?
Do you think that the only two uses for ships are fishing and piracy?
Do you not know when the hay baler was invented?
Did you draw a map for your novel which includes places named things like "The Blasted Lands" or "The Forest of Fear" or "The Desert of Desolation" or absolutely anything "of Doom"?
Does your novel contain a prologue that is impossible to understand until you've read the entire book, if even then?
Is this the first book in a planned trilogy?
How about a quintet or a decalogue?
Is your novel thicker than a New York City phone book?
Did absolutely nothing happen in the previous book you wrote, yet you figure you're still many sequels away from finishing your "story"?
Are you writing prequels to your as-yet-unfinished series of books?
Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Is your novel based on the adventures of your role-playing group?
Does your novel contain characters transported from the real world to a fantasy realm?
Do any of your main characters have apostrophes or dashes in their names?
Do any of your main characters have names longer than three syllables?
Do you see nothing wrong with having two characters from the same small isolated village being named "Tim Umber" and "Belthusalanthalus al'Grinsok"?
Does your novel contain orcs, elves, dwarves, or halflings?
How about "orken" or "dwerrows"?
Do you have a race prefixed by "half-"?
At any point in your novel, do the main characters take a shortcut through ancient dwarven mines?
Do you write your battle scenes by playing them out in your favorite RPG?
Have you done up game statistics for all of your main characters in your favorite RPG?
Are you writing a work-for-hire for Wizards of the Coast?
Do inns in your book exist solely so your main characters can have brawls?
Do you think you know how feudalism worked but really don't?
Do your characters spend an inordinate amount of time journeying from place to place?
Could one of your main characters tell the other characters something that would really help them in their quest but refuses to do so just so it won't break the plot?
Do any of the magic users in your novel cast spells easily identifiable as "fireball" or "lightning bolt"?
Do you ever use the term "mana" in your novel?
Do you ever use the term "plate mail" in your novel?
Heaven help you, do you ever use the term "hit points" in your novel?
Do you not realize how much gold actually weighs?
Do you think horses can gallop all day long without rest?
Does anybody in your novel fight for two hours straight in full plate armor, then ride a horse for four hours, then delicately make love to a willing barmaid all in the same day?
Does your main character have a magic axe, hammer, spear, or other weapon that returns to him when he throws it?
Does anybody in your novel ever stab anybody with a scimitar?
Does anybody in your novel stab anybody straight through plate armor?
Do you think swords weigh ten pounds or more? [info]
Does your hero fall in love with an unattainable woman, whom he later attains?
Does a large portion of the humor in your novel consist of puns?
Is your hero able to withstand multiple blows from the fantasy equivalent of a ten pound sledge but is still threatened by a small woman with a dagger?
Do you really think it frequently takes more than one arrow in the chest to kill a man?
Do you not realize it takes hours to make a good stew, making it a poor choice for an "on the road" meal?
Do you have nomadic barbarians living on the tundra and consuming barrels and barrels of mead?
Do you think that "mead" is just a fancy name for "beer"?
Does your story involve a number of different races, each of which has exactly one country, one ruler, and one religion?
Is the best organized and most numerous group of people in your world the thieves' guild?
Does your main villain punish insignificant mistakes with death?
Is your story about a crack team of warriors that take along a bard who is useless in a fight, though he plays a mean lute?
Is "common" the official language of your world?
Is the countryside in your novel littered with tombs and gravesites filled with ancient magical loot that nobody thought to steal centuries before?
Is your book basically a rip-off of The Lord of the Rings?
Read that question again and answer truthfully.

Just saying... I do not endorse or oppose the opinions stated in this exam... I'm totally neutral.
Last edited by Omniknight on Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: WRITERS!!

#4 Post by briannavon »

This exam will come in handy for me! :D
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Re: WRITERS!!!

#5 Post by Googaboga »

You could have asked a mod to move your other topic instead of making a new one. Oh well they'll probably just lock the other one then.

Anyways the person who made this seems a bit too sensitive. Saying you should abandon your entire novel for a feature as small as a warrior girl who prefers not to cook is crazy extreme XD. And really you can't write a book that includes elves/dwarfs/whatever period anymore? But I do think this list is helpful in some ways. It gives people a chance to take a step back and really think about whether their story is all that original or not.
Last edited by Googaboga on Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: WRITERS!!!

#6 Post by Omniknight »

Googaboga wrote:You could have asked a mod to move your other topic instead of making a new one. Oh well they'll probably just lock the other one then.

Anyways the person who made this seems a bit too sensitive. Saying you should abandon your entire novel for a feature as small as a warrior girl who prefers not to cook is crazy extreme XD. But I do think this list is helpful. It gives people a chance to take a step back and really think about whether their story is all that original or not.
Agreed. I don't think anyone should take this too seriously... but you definitely should keep this somewhere in the back of your mind before you go on a writing spree.

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Re: WRITERS!!

#7 Post by LVUER »

Note: I've merged the threads.
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Re: WRITERS!!

#8 Post by Evolution »

Shouldn't this be in the Asset Creation: Writing forum? You are neither recruiting anyone nor offering your services.

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Re: WRITERS!!

#9 Post by alberte »

This is ridiculous.. every novel is a derivative in some way- ei Game of Thrones was based on a war of roses. But why is having a novel set to have a triology on your list? Are you saying something like Divergent should of been scrapped?
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Re: WRITERS!!

#10 Post by SundownKid »

You pretty much described the genre of High Fantasy. Not that I'm a fan of high fantasy or anything, but saying that most novels of that type suck is a non issue when the same can apply to pretty much any genre. Does that new sci fi show have starships with warp drive? Dead horse trope, cancel the show! Not. Trying to pass off these "rules" as anything but humor is an exercise in futility.

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Re: WRITERS!!

#11 Post by Cith »

People shouldn't take the exam seriously. It was a light hearted article hitting out at the derivative nature of the fantasy genre back in the days when it was still incredibly derivative. It's like a decade old, and it was, and still is, pretty funny.

It's also making fun of the fact that a lot of fantasy novels were written by people who didn't know much about combat, or horses, or much about history in general.

I laughed at quite a few of the points when I first read it many years ago, and it still makes me chuckle today.

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Re: WRITERS!!

#12 Post by Jod »

Is your name Robert Jordan and you lied like a dog to get this far?
Made me laugh.

Als, I'm all for a cliché done well versus someone trying too hard to be different and failing miserably. It all depends on the delivery and style. As has been said before: taken with a grain of salt the list is a neat little reminder.

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