I'm having trouble deciding the opening...

[Crystaline Spade]

It's just as the subject says.
I'm having trouble with how I should open this...
(As a newbie to the writing section I hope I'm doing this right...)

First the story itself:

"I glanced around. Weird... I could've sworn I heard something..."
Sheridan "Oh, well... It was probably just the wind!"
"Glancing around I couldn't help but smile. The many faces, brightly colored stalls and performers. All coming together."
"For no real reason... maybe just to have fun?"
"I inhaled my breath."
Sheridan "ALRIGHT!!! Time to enjoy myself!!"
"After all... this is a once in a life time opportunity!"
"I've never been to a bazaar before!!"
"Though I should have probably told Adair..."
"But then again... he'd just ruin all my fun!"
"I think I'll start by looking around the stalls."
"The first place I went was an apple stand."
Shop Keeper "Oh! You've got fine eyes ma'am!"
Shop Keeper "What do you say to an apple?"
Shop Keeper "It'll be a nice refreshing snack!"
"He was selling it too much... I picked up a really shiny apple."
"It was so shiny I could see my reflection."
"Just then I heard a loud racket."
Sheridan "What's going on over there? Maybe something fun!!"
"Abandoning the apple I was looking at I rushed toward the crowd."
"For awhile I tried to see if there was an opening in the crowd. No luck. Time for plan B..."
Sheridan "Excuse me, sir?"
Unknown Man "What is it?"
Sheridan "I was just wondering why this crowd was here. Is there some sort of show?"
Unknown Man "No, nothing like that..."
Unknown Man "Some clown came here and is making a fuss about how he can't perform with all these amateurs on the street."
Sheridan "Clown?"
"A clown huh? It probably isn't a real clown though..."
"But maybe, just maybe it was a real clown..."
Sheridan "I wanna see."
Unknown Man "Uh... But this crowd is pretty big..."
Sheridan "That's okay! If you can't go through or around or under it then you just have to go over it!"
Unknown Man "Huh?"
"I of course easily jumped over the crowd."
Unknown Man "She really jumped..."
"THUD!!!"
"Okay... Need to work on the landing..."
Unknown Clown "And who might you be!?"
Sheridan "KYAHH!!"
Unknown Clown "Why are you screaming you little brat!?"
"I was not expecting that. The thing that stood before me looked strange. Maybe it was a real clown..."
"If it looks that way normally then I shouldn't have screamed like that."
"How insensitive..."
Sheridan "I'm so sorry..."
Sheridan "It's just that I wasn't expecting a real clown..."
Calum "Hahaha!! She just called you a clown!"
"I guess he wasn't a clown? Weird. Then why did he look so strange..?"
Unknown Clown "Why you uncouth little brat!!!"
Unknown Clown "When will you learn your place!?"
Calum "What the hell are you talking about you senile old fart?"
"Even though they were fighting the red haired boy had a calm look in his eyes and a grin dancing on his face."
"Not really what you'd expect for someone in a fight..."
"Unless... Maybe he had a plan?"
Unknown Clown "You brats really need to learn some manners!!!"
"The strange beast grabbed hold of me and held on tightly."
"I tried my hardest to shake him off but it was useless."
Calum "Hey!! What do you think you're doing!? She has nothing to do with this argument!!"
Unknown Clown "That may be true but, she still screamed at me."
Sheridan "But I already apologized about that!!"
"Why was he still upset..?"
Calum "She's right!!"
Unknown Clown "That wasn't enough to satisfy me! That miserable apology."
Sheridan "WHAT!? What more do you want!?"
Unknown Clown "Well, she could work for me..."
"GROSS!!!"
Sheridan "Let go of me!!!"
"I'm not real sure where he had got them from but the red haired boy started throwing {b}rotten{/b} tomatoes at him."
"Of course I took the chance and shook free from his grasp."
"As soon as I was free from one captive it seemed like I was captured by another...but I don't think I mind this one."
"At least he isn't gross..."
Calum "C'mon we need to get outta here!!"
Sheridan "Right!!"
"I could still hear some yelling coming from the area we had just fled."
"It was probably just that weirdo."

Calum "Hah...hah..."
"We took the moment to catch our breath."
"The boy looked toward the direction we had just ran from and sighed."
Calum "I think we're far enough. We don't have to worry about that joker."
"I stared at him for awhile, unconscious of the fact."
"He had short bright red hair, like a flame and brilliant emerald green eyes..."
"I felt like I could stare at his eyes without a care in the world."
"As I stared at him and realized that despite his small frame he was pretty fit."
"So why hadn't he just fought the guy and be done with it?"
"Just then he seemed to have realized I was staring at him."
Calum "Is something wrong? If you stare at me too long I might think you like me!"
"Putting that stupid comment aside... Should I ask him?"
choice:
"Why didn't you fight him?":
Calum "Heh, that's obvious!"
"He seemed rather happy to hear the question. I stared at him, confused."
"Maybe he was one of those no violence kinda guys? That's kinda rare these days."
Calum "I refuse to fight anyone weaker then me!!"
"Or maybe not..."
"Nice idea while it lasted though."
"No. It's nothing...":
"Of course I wouldn't ask him that... it's not like it mattered."
Calum "Well, whatever."
"Where did you get the tomatoes?":
Calum "Brought them of course!!"
"HE'S THE INSTIGATOR!!!"
"And here I thought he was acting like the perfect hero..."
"But..."
"Why would he pick a fight with that weirdo?"
"Not like I really care..."
"In fact I'd prefer to forget all about that clown."
"Wait... I don't even know this guy!"
Sheridan "Um... By the way, what's your name?"
Calum "Oh, right. I still haven't introduced myself."
Calum "I'm Calum. Nice to meet you!"
"He didn't seem that bad..."
Sheridan "I'm Sheridan."
Calum "Sheridan, huh? Strange... I thought you'd have a cuter name."(Note: Sheridan is a guys name)
Sheridan "What's wrong with my name!?"
Calum "No, nothing!! Forget I said anything!"
"I was still a bit irritated."
Sheridan "I want compensation."
Calum "For what!? Saying your names not cute!!?"
Sheridan "That's not the problem!!"
Calum "Then what is..?"
Sheridan "You dragged me out of the bazaar when I had just got there so, I wasn't able to enjoy it!!!"
Calum "I don't get it..."
Sheridan "It was my first time going to one."
Calum "Really!? Your first!?"
Calum "Are you really sheltered or something?"
Sheridan "You're missing the point..."
Calum "Point?"
Calum "..."
Calum "Ah!"
Calum "How am I supposed to compensate you for that!!?"
Sheridan "How would I know!! It's your job to do something!!!"
Calum "Hmm..."
Calum "Yeah... that might work..."
Calum "Okay! Meet me at town square tonight. I'll pay you in full then."
Sheridan "Wait...What..?"
"And without another word he ran off."

This is just a work in progress and needs work.

One idea I had was of a flashback
Or a voice in the wind
Maybe even a poem

What do you think?
Of what I should do and the scene.
Hope you liked it!

[Washu_Ira]

"I glanced around. Weird... I could've sworn I heard something..."
Sheridan "Oh, well... It was probably just the wind!"
"Glancing (try to find a different word) around I couldn't help but smile. The many faces, brightly colored stalls and performers. All coming together."
"For no real reason... maybe just to have fun?"
"I took in a breath."
Sheridan "ALRIGHT!!! Time to enjoy myself!!"
"After all... this is a once in a life time opportunity!"
"I've never been to a bazaar before!!"
"Though I should have probably told Adair..."
"But then again... he'd just ruin all my fun!" *
"I think I'll start by looking around the stalls."
"The first place I went was an apple stand." (perhaps lightly describe the apple stand or what might be next to it)
Shop Keeper "Oh! You've got fine eyes ma'am!"
Shop Keeper "What do you say to an apple?"
Shop Keeper "It'll be a nice refreshing snack!"
"He was selling it too much... I picked up a really shiny apple."
"It was so shiny I could see my reflection."
"Just then I heard a loud racket." (maybe the direction of the racket)
Sheridan "What's going on over there? Maybe something fun!!"
"Abandoning the apple I was looking at I rushed toward the crowd."
"For awhile I tried to see if if I could find an opening in the crowd. No luck. Time for plan B..."
Sheridan "Excuse me, sir?"
Unknown Man "What is it?"
Sheridan "I was just wondering why this crowd was here. Is there some sort of show?"
Unknown Man "No, nothing like that..."
Unknown Man "Some clown came here and is making a fuss about how he can't perform with all these amateurs on the street."
Sheridan "Clown?"
"A clown huh? It probably isn't a real clown though..."
"But maybe, just maybe it was a real clown..."
Sheridan "I wanna see."
Unknown Man "Uh... But this crowd is pretty big..."
Sheridan "That's okay! If you can't go through or around or under it then you just have to go over it!"
Unknown Man "Huh?"
"I of course easily jumped over the crowd."
Unknown Man "She really jumped..."
"THUD!!!"
"Okay... Need to work on the landing..." (describe your landing)
Unknown Clown "And who might you be!?"
Sheridan "KYAHH!!"
Unknown Clown "Why are you screaming you little brat!?" (describe the clown)
"I was not expecting that. The thing that stood before me looked strange. Maybe it was a real clown..."
"If it looks that way normally then I shouldn't have screamed like that."
"How insensitive..."
Sheridan "I'm so sorry..."
Sheridan "It's just that I wasn't expecting a real clown..."
Calum "Hahaha!! She just called you a clown!" *
"I guess he wasn't a clown? Weird. Then why did he look so strange..?"
Unknown Clown "Why you uncouth little brat!!!"
Unknown Clown "When will you learn your place!?"
Calum "What the hell are you talking about you senile old fart?"
"Even though they were fighting the red haired boy had a calm look in his eyes and a grin dancing on his face."
"Not really what you'd expect for someone in a fight..." *
"Unless... Maybe he had a plan?"
Unknown Clown "You brats really need to learn some manners!!!"
"The strange beast grabbed hold of me and held on tightly."
"I tried my hardest to shake him off but it was useless."
Calum "Hey!! What do you think you're doing!? She has nothing to do with this argument!!"
Unknown Clown "That may be true but, she still screamed at me."
Sheridan "But I already apologized about that!!"
"Why was he still upset..?"
Calum "She's right!!"
Unknown Clown "That wasn't enough to satisfy me! That miserable apology."
Sheridan "WHAT!? What more do you want!?"
Unknown Clown "Well, she could work for me..."
"GROSS!!!"
Sheridan "Let go of me!!!"
"I'm not real sure where he had got them from but the red haired boy started throwing {b}rotten{/b} tomatoes at him."
"Of course I took the chance and shook free from his grasp."
"As soon as I was free from one captive it seemed like I was captured by another...but I don't think I mind this one." *
"At least he isn't gross..."
Calum "C'mon we need to get outta here!!"
Sheridan "Right!!"
"I could still hear some yelling coming from the area we had just fled."
"It was probably just that weirdo."

Calum "Hah...hah..."
"We took the moment to catch our breath."
"The boy looked toward the direction we had just ran from and sighed."
Calum "I think we're far enough. We don't have to worry about that joker."
"I stared at him for awhile, unconscious of the fact."
"He had short bright red hair, like a flame and brilliant emerald green eyes..."
"I felt like I could stare at his eyes without a care in the world."
"As I stared at him and realized that despite his small frame he was pretty fit." (What!? If romantic interest it feels very forced)
"So why hadn't he just fought the guy and be done with it?"
"Just then he seemed to have realized I was staring at him."
Calum "Is something wrong? If you stare at me too long I might think you like me!" ()
"Putting that stupid comment aside... Should I ask him?"
choice:
"Why didn't you fight him?": (is there any other choice?)
Calum "Heh, that's obvious!"
"He seemed rather happy to hear the question. I looked at him, confused."
"Maybe he was one of those no violence kinda guys? That's kinda rare these days."
Calum "I refuse to fight anyone weaker then me!!"
"Or maybe not..."
"Nice idea while it lasted though."
"No. It's nothing...": (ah found it. when placing them up like this you should place a symbol before the choice so it doesn't blend in with your dialogue)
"Of course I wouldn't ask him that... it's not like it mattered."
Calum "Well, whatever."
"Where did you get the tomatoes?":
Calum "Brought them of course!!"
"HE'S THE INSTIGATOR!!!"
"And here I thought he was acting like the perfect hero..."
"But..."
"Why would he pick a fight with that weirdo?"
"Not like I really care..."
"In fact I'd prefer to forget all about that clown."
"Wait... I don't even know this guy!"
Sheridan "Um... By the way, what's your name?"
Calum "Oh, right. I still haven't introduced myself."
Calum "I'm Calum. Nice to meet you!"
"He didn't seem that bad..."
Sheridan "I'm Sheridan."
Calum "Sheridan, huh? Strange... I thought you'd have a cuter name."(Note: Sheridan is a guys name)
Sheridan "What's wrong with my name!?"
Calum "No, nothing!! Forget I said anything!"
"I was still a bit irritated."
Sheridan "I want compensation."
Calum "For what!? Saying your names not cute!!?"
Sheridan "That's not the problem!!"
Calum "Then what is..?"
Sheridan "You dragged me out of the bazaar when I had just got there so, I wasn't able to enjoy it!!!"
Calum "I don't get it..."
Sheridan "It was my first time going to one."
Calum "Really!? Your first!?"
Calum "Are you really sheltered or something?"
Sheridan "You're missing the point..."
Calum "Point?"
Calum "..."
Calum "Ah!"
Calum "How am I supposed to compensate you for that!!?"
Sheridan "How would I know!! It's your job to do something!!!" (might want to put responsibility in place of job)
Calum "Hmm..."
Calum "Yeah... that might work..."
Calum "Okay! Meet me at town square tonight. I'll pay you in full then."
Sheridan "Wait...What..?"
"And without another word he ran off."


An opening for this......difficult to say. if a flashback what would be in it. unless the scene above is the opening flash back and the main story begins in the town square I coat really comment on it. a voice in the wind? What would it say?
a poem would be nice but must have relevance or it comes off as a waste and can through off the reader.
The main thing I can see that would help the most in these scene is putting more of a personality in the characters by providing actions that go along with the dialogue. I * the areas that I think could use some. Also as I continued reading I become very confused. You write as if the reader should know these people but once again description could really help with that. The scene where she meets the clown is very random and jumps around a bit and continues in that fashion until the end.

[Crystaline Spade]

Some actual, helpful criticism. Refreshing!(I honestly mean that...)
Thanks!

[SimonLayton]

Hi hello, I'm no expert but I hope you don't mind if I throw in a few cents.

"I glanced around. Weird... I could've sworn I heard something..." (If this is the true opening of the story, then it's not really an eye-catcher, and it won't really draw in readers/players. Consider adding more details. Say something that's interesting. What did the narrator think she heard? The voice? The wind?)
Sheridan "Oh, well... It was probably just the wind!"
"Glancing (Like what Washu_Ira said, you should use a different word, since you used "glance" two lines before.) around I couldn't help but smile. The many faces, brightly colored stalls and performers. All coming together."
"For no real reason... maybe just to have fun?" (I don't understand this phrase.)
"I inhaled my breath." ("I took a deep breath.")
Sheridan "ALRIGHT!!! Time to enjoy myself!!"
"After all... this is a once in a life time opportunity!"
"I've never been to a bazaar before!!" (It won't be a life time opportunity if she went into another bazaar in the future. Say instead that this is her first time going to the bazaar.)
"Though I should have probably told Adair..."
"But then again... he'd just ruin all my fun!" (What did he do in the past that makes the narrator think he'd "ruin all her fun"?)
"I think I'll start by looking around the stalls."
"The first place I went was an apple stand." (Why did she go to the apple stand first? Is there something special about it? If so, describe.)
Shop Keeper "Oh! You've got fine eyes ma'am!" (What prompted the shopkeeper to say that?)
Shop Keeper "What do you say to an apple?" (Is Sheridan going to talk to the apple?)
Shop Keeper "It'll be a nice refreshing snack!"
"He was selling it too much... (The Shop Keeper is not selling a lot of apples to Sheridan. Maybe you mean by ""He was being too much.") I picked up a really shiny apple."
"It was so shiny I could see my reflection."
"Just then I heard a loud racket." (Where? Inside? Outside? Left? Right?)

"A clown huh? It probably isn't a real clown though..."
"But maybe, just maybe it was a real clown..." (I just found Sheridan's sudden change of mind too quick.)

"I of course easily jumped over the crowd." (This sounds like it's supposed to be a humurous and dramatic moment for the character. So maybe you should describe how she jumped? Did she sprang up ten feet? fifteen feet?)

"I was not expecting that. The thing that stood before me looked strange. Maybe it was a real clown..." (Why is the clown strange? Can you describe the clown? And what's the difference between a fake clown and a real clown?)

"Even though they were fighting the red haired boy had a calm look in his eyes and a grin dancing on his face." (What red haired boy? There was no red-haired boy before.)

Sheridan "You dragged me out of the bazaar when I had just got there so, I wasn't able to enjoy it!!!" (Sheridan can always come back to the bazaar and try to avoid the clown entirely.)

Few more notes:
- Flesh out details for a few characters and places. I don't fully understand Sheridan's personality for one thing.
- You wrote this as if this is a direct script of the visual novel, which is why there is lack of visualisation and descriptions. True, visual novel contains pictures you sometimes don't need to describe what is infront of us, but don't rely on pictures always.
- The tone and style of the script is...mixed and weird. I don't know if some scenes are meant to be serious or humorous, like the part where the clown attacks Sheridan.

Also as I continued reading I become very confused. You write as if the reader should know these people but once again description could really help with that. The scene where she meets the clown is very random and jumps around a bit and continues in that fashion until the end.

I can't help but agree, sorry. I've tried correcting through all of the script, but it starts getting weirder and weirder, some of them don't make any sense. I can see where you're intending the story to go, but it feels like the script is heavily influenced by anime physics. That's not bad, really, but you should try to be realistic.

As for what to do with the scene, I think this would be better as a flashback, but if you consider this as the beginning of the visual novel, a lot of fleshing out will make the whole scene work. I think this will turn out to be a great opening. Good luck! :)