Opinions needed about intro and references

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Opinions needed about intro and references

#1 Post by Tsuyuri » Wed Jul 30, 2014 8:29 am

Hey everyone~ So I been busy drawing a little bit of a draft for my game's intro, and was stuck with two little details.

First on the list: References!
Sorry, I just love to occasionally add references that make sense. Yet my substantive editor says I shouldn't add in references to stuff that people won't get. So for example:
The girl that appeared before me was Elise, or if we are to be more formal 'Elise Von Eisenberg'. For those curious, she is in fact my boss, and don't make her childish appearance fool you! Did you ever watch that one popular crime scene investigation series? The one with the tiny lady who was pretty much the mastermind of the whole team? That's pretty much Elise, the head-honcho of the team, and kind of the most dangerous one among us all...

Elise (neutral pose, neutral expression, regular outfit):
"Did I just imagine, or were you comparing me to an old woman?"
In this fragment the protagonist is pretty much comparing Elise with:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_NC ... y.22_Lange
Hetty from NCIS: LA

It's a little bit subtle, but it's supposed to be a bit of a playful joke (note Elise was able to read the narration because she possesses the ability to read people's minds to a certain level of detail. It's supposed to be funny, but I'm not sure... it's one thing to like it yourself, but a whole other thing to make a lot of your readers like it.

The other thing is mostly me playing with the idea of making an intro that will make people interested, so I decided to try to make a scene that will draw in the people's curiosity~ Note this intro bit isn't edited yet, and it's more about the substance rather than the potential mistakes~
Show Scene: Black
I still remember the day this all began, as if it was yesterday. I had been playing around in the park near my parents' house, just like I always did. In the end as a child I was the type who enjoyed the outdoors. It was a pleasant spring morning, the type where the weather was just perfect and as a result the park was crowded like always.

Show Scene: Park
It was during that day I met her... And honestly, the first impression I had of her was that she was a peculiar girl. She had been seated on a bench nearby the slide I had been seated on, her purple eyes gazing with a certain melancholy in them.

Mysterious Girl (Elise, neutral pose, neutral expression):

A soft sigh escaped the girl's lips, and for a moment I couldn't help but let my eyes take in the details of her unusual attire. It was a dress, one that clearly was out of place in a park like this. Not to mention it was something you would never see on a girl of her age, at least those days. However, it was shortly after I noticed the girl that the event unfolded before me, the event that would have changed my life forever.

Weird guy: (Possessed man from intro, neutral expression, aggressive pose):

A man whispered something under his breath while walking toward the girl with slow, unsteady footsteps. I didn't really know what was wrong with him, but he kind of reminded me of someone who was in a drunken stupor. Nevertheless, the girl seemingly realized something that I didn't, because her eyes narrowed in a glare toward the stranger that was approaching her. It was at that point I saw the reason behind her hostility...

Weird Guy (Possessed man from intro, angry expression, aggressive pose, knife drawn):
"Devour, devour her essence."

The sight of the metal blade of the knife made me freeze for a moment. The first thought running through my mind was to scream in panic, but that was already something some of the adults did. Of course none seemed to have the courage to stop the armed guy, lest they end up being the one stabbed. No, it was clear that fear for their own safety had made them abandon this girl, and while it would have been natural for me to follow their example, it was something I simply couldn't do. Ever since I was a child I was the type of person who couldn't let something I perceived as evil go by unpunished. This girl was clearly in danger, and as a result my body listened to my heart rather than my common sense.

Heroic Boy (Child protagonist, confident pose, serious expression):
"Stop right there! Can't you see that you're scaring her?!"

I ran up to the duo, about to reach out with a hand toward the oddly acting man when suddenly the girl responded in a way I didn't expect.

Mysterious Girl (Elise, neutral pose, neutral expression):

Of course I only realized afterwards what the meaning behind her word meant, but the moment my hand grasped a hold of the man's arm he turned his gaze at me, an almost feral glare shot my direction when 'it' happened.

Show CG 1: Child protagonist attacked by demon
Slowly the air behind the man seemed to distort. A monstrous creature, the type I could only describe as a demon emerged behind him, towering high above him. My eyes widened in surprise, and yet before I could even think about fleeing the monster struck. The demon had raised one of his clawed arms and struck forwards, a piercing motion going right past the man and heading straight for its target. Of course I couldn't even avoid the attack at such a blinding speed. The claw stuck me in my abdomen, a loud gasp followed by the feeling of something burning in my throat, a small bit of blood being coughed up. A single attack, that was all it took to end the life I had taken for granted. When the claw retracted itself, pulling out of my body I toppled backwards on the grass and felt a sudden lethargy, as if I had been so exhausted my body simply refused to move.

End showing CG

Weird Guy: (possessed man from intro, fear expression, weak pose, drawn knife)
"I-I-I didn't mean to---"

The man let out a screech when he darted away from the scene, and yet at this point I couldn't care any less. In the end I had more important things to be concerned about. It didn't take long before I noticed something odd was going on with me. Despite my attempts to get back onto my feet, my body seemed to be refusing the instructions it was given. Only a moment passed before I realized the reason behind this, the very same reason why the grass beneath me started to be stained red.

Show CG2 (child protagonist dying)
I was dying... It didn't take long for me to feel the warm liquid, my own blood to be spreading into a small pool beneath me. It was a terrifying experience, the more of the liquid that started to leave my body, the colder and more exhausted I felt. Was this how it felt like to die? I couldn't help but idly wonder that thought as I felt my consciousness slowly fading away. However, at the same time I felt an immense sense of dejection and anger at the ridiculous way my life was about to end. Why was I about to die, why like this, and what was that creature? Was it a mere fabrication of my imagination? In the end monsters didn't exist, they were a thing parents used to make their children behave.

A mysterious voice: (no sprite):
"That thing that attacked you was real."

Hearing a girl's voice nearby I strained my mind to keep myself from being submerged in the darkness that threatened to claim my consciousness. Light footsteps crushed the grass beside me and soon I could see the girl from before standing next to me. When she gazed down at me I could feel a light chill run across my spine. There was neither fear or concern in her eyes, rather it felt like she was lacking any emotion at all, a cold silent stare...

Heroic boy: (no sprite):
"You mean that monster I saw-"

Mysterious girl (no sprite):
"They are called demons, a creature belonging to a different world than our own."

Heroic Boy (no sprite):
"You're saying I'm about to die because of a monster?"

Mysterious Girl (no sprite):
"You're neither the first, nor the last victim this demon will claim."

The cold expression of the girl, alongside her even-toned way of speaking made me feel rather nervous, the idea that she was not even the slightest bit affected by the fact I was dying, or the knowledge a monster like that was unleashed. Yet I felt the need to try to do something, to ensure there would be no other victims.

Heroic Boy (no sprite):
"I got to stop it..."

For the first time the girl's expression seemed to change slightly, her gaze softening and her lips curving up slightly into what might had been a smile. It seemed my words had amused her.

Mysterious Girl (no sprite):
"Do explain to me how you're going to stop that thing. You're one leg in your grave already, are you going to haunt it?"

Heroic Boy (no sprite):
"Then the police!"

Mysterious Girl (no sprite):
"The police is useless against them. Only those with power can stop them."

Power? If I had been one who held such a thing as power, would I been able to stop that monster? Would I have been able to keep myself from dying? Seemingly sensing my thoughts the girl stepped a little bit closer and finally knelt down beside me. She seemed to not care in the least about the fact her dress was getting soiled by my blood.

Show CG 3A (Child protagonist makes pact with Elise)
Mysterious Girl:
"And yet, those who desire such power have to sacrifice things of great importance to them. How about you boy, do you desire power?"

Did I desire power? If I did obtain such a gift then I could stop that demon! I could prevent others from being hurt like me, and certainly the cost of this power would be better than dying, right?

Heroic Boy:
"Of course I do, if it means being able to keep others from dying."

Hearing those words the girl sighed softly, the neutrality in her expression slowly turning back into a smile while she replied to my words with a mixture of amusement and curiosity in her tone.

Mysterious Girl
"It seems the requirements for a pact have been fulfilled. Unfortunately the nature of this power will likely make you desire you had chosen death."

While those words left her lips I felt a burning sensation coursing through my right arm, a loud cry escaped from me while a feeling that could only be described as a burning flame tore away my entire arm, from skin to muscle and even the bones themselves. A pain that made me nearly faint on the spot. After it subdued the only thing I was able to do was raise a hand toward the girl, (pause and show CG3B) barely noticing the fact that what had been supposed to be my hand was now in fact a scaled claw of sorts.

Heroic Boy:
"who... are you?"

Mysterious Girl
"Your benefactor."
In this scene I didn't use their names on purpose, since it's a dream, so you're supposed to be unable to really know who is who (at least at that point) but the perspective of the narration is shown from the 'heroic boy' so I could have used 'me' for him, but that felt a bit off...

Anyway~ thank you for reading~

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Re: Opinions needed about intro and references

#2 Post by sempersapiens » Wed Jul 30, 2014 10:47 am

I don't think the occasional reference like that should be a problem if that's just the way your character talks. Just don't overdo it! And I think you could probably cut some of the descriptions from your intro, since things like the girl's dress and eye colour will be shown in the sprites, so it's a bit redundant. But it sounds interesting!

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Re: Opinions needed about intro and references

#3 Post by cuttlefish » Tue Aug 12, 2014 8:13 am

I didn't know the reference in your example, but you gave me enough context for it to be understood.

Intro sounds interesting, but the protagonist's thoughts while dying don't really sound like that of a child's? Or at least, sounds more like the thoughts of a teenager (or his older self reflecting on the memory/dream) than a younger kid, which I'm guessing he was when that stuff happened.

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