Lemma Soft Forums

Hey guys! I am here to get some feedback on my writing. You see, I want to make some money for my own game projects. But , I feel that my writing is sub-par. I want it to reach $0.10 - $0.15 level, but I don't think it's good enough. Here is something I wrote for a quick example from a much bigger idea. It's not my best, I think :


#I might one day make this into a game and/or animation

Seeing that the rain was about to pour down on the city, I quickly walked into The Purple Lips.
I instantly greeted by the warm air and purple colored everything. As my eyes panned the familiar
stage and seats, I heard someone yell my name I looked over to the bar and saw Nicky. He was waving at me with a big smile.

I sighed and walked to the bar. As I sat at a stool, I was shocked to see a cup that was already
filled with water but looked as if it had not been touched. Before I could ask, Nicky answered my question.

"You always ask for water, so I got it for you when you came in.", he said. I said a quiet "thanks"
and started to drink my water.

"By the way, I can't understand you. This is a bar, so why come here if you hate alcohol? Don't
you wanna drink a beer and take a load off?", he said.

"I just like the look of this place...Besides, I wouldn't want to risk being drunk around you.", I said.
He pouted for a second before smirking and leaning closer to me until our faces were only 2 inches apart.


"Or maybe...", he said before moving his face behind my plain of sight until his mouth was near
my ear. I gasped as I felt his breath hit my skin. I heard him chuckle slightly before
resuming or conversation.


"Or maybe you just like the look of me?", he said. I snapped out of it and punched him in the core
of his chest. I could hear him lose all his breath and quickly pull his hands to his stomach before
taking a couple large breaths.

"Hey! Domestic abuse it wrong , you know!", he whined as he tried to rub the pain away. I
then made my own smirk and said :

"It's not domestic abuse if we never had a romantic relationship."

Before he could talk,I felt my device buzz. I took it out of my pocket and accepted the call.
I was re-introduced to the face of the monkey-brat calling himself Sheen.

"What is it, Sheen?" , I said. I could see Nicky look at the screen in confusion, most likely
because of the talking monkey. I just decided focus back on the screen.

"I just called to ask if Adam and I could order some food!Like-um....Chips! Yeah, chips!"

"And some beef dip,too!", I heard Adam's voice say off-screen. I groaned at the thought of dealing
with these dumb kids .

"Fine! But only 3 pills of each!"

"OK! Adam, she said 9 pills of each!"

"What-", I yelled before they hung up. By now the entire bar was looking at me. I shyly waved
back at the patrons behind me while putting my device back into my pocket.

"Um....", Nicky started to stumble out. I put my hand up at him.

"Don't ask."

What do you mean by $0.10-$0.15? Do you mean per word? Haha, if so, isn't that a little bit too high for visual novels here? I personally charge only 1-1.5 cent per word. Buuuuut, that's just my personal opinion. ^^

Anyway, as for your writing...
Are you open for honest critique?

If no, then I suppose you should just skip the spoiler tag.

If yes... feel free to read my comments that I put in a spoiler tag. Hahaha. My honest answer to your question is no. I mean... your writing is okay, but I think you should first try to improve it before having someone pay you for it. After all, there's always room for improvement, even for professionals! What more for us newbies, right?

Good luck with your writing!

But 1/10 of a cent is less than 1.5 cents. Unless you mean I have not reached the 1/10 of a cent level, which makes sense.

Also, thanks for the critique! I actually am a native english speaker (which sucks for me because it means I should really be better). I also wrote this without proof-reading, so I need to proof-read all the time and not just when I'm nervous. But since I do better with direct examples, can you point out my exact mistakes. After this , I will write something else and see if I improve!

To be blunt, writinggg, no, your writing would not earn you that level of pay. To be honest though, 5¢/word is actually the minimum level of what's considered "professional" pay by some writers' guilds, so 10¢ is a lofty goal indeed!

You have a lot of issues with run-on sentences and punctuation. See the following:

I sighed and walked to the bar. As I sat at a stool, I was shocked to see a cup that was already
filled with water but looked as if it had not been touched. Before I could ask, Nicky answered my question.

"You always ask for water, so I got it for you when you came in.", he said. I said a quiet "thanks"
and started to drink my water.

It should look more like this:

I sighed and walked to the bar. As I sat at a stool, I was shocked to see a cup that was already
filled with water. It looked as if it had not been touched. Before I could ask about it, Nicky answered.

"You always ask for water, so I got it for you when you came in," he said.

I said a quiet, "Thanks," and started to drink my water.

You said that you didn't proofread this passage, but when it comes to professional work you need to always put your best foot forward, even if you're only asking for critique. Take the time to look over your work carefully before showing it off and you'll get stronger feedback.

So no, I don't feel your work is at a paid level yet, but if you love what you're doing keep at it! Write lots and read lots and you should improve in no time

Oh! Sorry about the price I put! I meant $0.010! I need to stop posting at night!

Also, thanks for the example! I will read this during my second example. I really want to get better because currently I am trying to write essays on sites like Zerys or Iwriter for game-making money but it is SO boring. I'd rather write something fun instead.

Heh, that would explain it. I would just say keep at it though. If you're looking for money for paying artists or such for VNs, why not see if there's an artist who would like to team up with you for free? Even if your writing needs a little work you've got a solid foundation, and with an interesting premise you'd probably find a good partner. Conversely, if you want to get more practice, put together some good writing samples and see about getting on a team looking for writers. There's usually a thread like that in the Recruitment forum every week or so.

I'll try that! Thanks Laiska and Ran08

Yeah I second what Laiska said. You can swap skills, too, for example if someone's looking for a programmer for their project you can offer to do that in exchange for them doing the art for yours. In a different thread you said that you thought Ren'py was easy, well, haha, that's awesome really. I bet a lot of artists would love to have someone on their team who think Ren'py is easy