First time VN storywriter! (Critiques welcome!)

[HolyRabbid]

Just an FYI, I am still relatively new here. I'll be in your care, everyone!

Towards the end of my semester in college last year, my Beginning Creative Writing class final had me write what I would want in a story. As a newcomer to visual novels at the time, I decided to try my hand at writing the premises for one.

Now, six months and five visual novels worth of research later, I want to try and develop this further - into a full-fledged visual novel!

Working title: Crimson Balance (Sci-fi, Ecchi, Mature, Dramedy, Fantasy, Romance, BxG, BxGxG, GxG; R rated for nudity, sexual themes, alcohol reference, and idealogically sensitive scenes)

Synopsis: Michael, an introverted but confident full-time college student in Texas, recently acquired a replica sword for his growing collection. Unknown to him, the metal in the blade carries a curse that splits an individual in two when s/he shares a moment of unity with a loved one. Now it's a race against time as Michael tries to undo the curse and return his best friend Mizuho into one whole being. Will he succeed in restoring her true form? Or will she remain as two separate people? More importantly, does she want to turn back?

The story will be similar in format to the Sakura series - specifically Sakura Beach and Sakura Swim Club. There will be three endings - a standard ending, a comedic ending and a true ending. The standard and comedic endings will be geared towards readers' expectations. The true ending, however, is intended to leave the game open for interpretation - and a chance for developing a sequel.

Unlike the Sakura series, however, the main character himself won't be unseen - instead, he will serve as both the narrator and appear in the story itself, similar to A Kiss for the Petals.

I've written the profiles for the hero, heroine and two supporting characters, as well as completed the story up to a quarter into Chapter 2 (current word count: 7876 words). Below are the character profiles:

Michael Cerahf
At first glance, he’s a tall, handsome and quiet man with dark hair, a good build and aura of responsibility. He works hard to keep his cool in the face of danger – or when it comes to swords. Despite his calm attitude, he can be a passionate debater and is stubbornly set in his ways. His life is turned upside down when his latest purchase splits his best friend Mizuho into two girls, and he has two months - the entire summer vacation - in order to turn her back to normal. Will he succeed in restoring her by summer’s end? Or will he have two girls in his life? More importantly, does Mizuho really want to go back to being one girl?

Mizuho Fujinaka
A headstrong firebrand with a hidden sweet side, she loves to take Michael on adventures. Whether it’s the pool, the beach, the shopping mall or the park, she tries to bring him into the center of attention. Orphaned as a child, she tends to nag at Michael when he doesn’t control his habits – but can be motherly and supportive at times. However, she is split into two when she tries to hold his newest sword. Now, as Mizuna and Mizushi, she has to try and balance her hot fiery side with her sweet caring side before the end of the summer, or else she will permanently split into two separate people. Only problem is…does she really want to go back to being one girl?

Haibara Fuji
A friend of a friend, Haibara has always led Mizuho down the straight and narrow, even when she tried to diverge herself. She has long chocolate-brown hair in a ponytail and a slender build, though not as much as Mizuho. A natural-born troublemaker and practical joker, she recently inherited a shrine known for helping people find balance in their lives. Deep down she wants to help Mizuho return to normal, but having a friend split in two means plenty of naughty and erotic pranks…much to Michael’s displeasure.

Joseph Blitzgesetz
A transfer student from Germany, Joseph quickly hit it off with Michael when he learned of Michael’s sword collection. A true heartthrob with blonde hair and blue eyes, Joseph is always trying to get Michael together with Mizuho, with no success every time. Now, he has to be Michael’s psychological support while dealing with the new twins. Flirtatious and sly but with a strong moral compass, he can be serious when he wants to be – which is usually not often enough.

[DCH]

Welcome to writing visual novels. I hope you have enjoyed writing it thus far.

Some questions:

Why Japan? Have you been there? A lot of people pick Japan as a setting because they have seen it in visual novels or anime, but it can be hard to connect to and make it feel realistic if you have never been there and are unaware of cultural norms and how things actually are instead of how they appear in anime.

Have you been an exchange student? Are these experiences/places you are writing about that tie to your own life? It can be very hard to make a story compelling when you have not experienced it. I think you may benefit more from having Mizuho travel to Michael.

Why the last name Cerahf? I haven't found any usage of this name as a last name in any country. I don't mind the sound of it, but it is more suited to fantasy than modern. You might want to consider something else if it is not

Why the last name Blitzgesetz? It translates to "lightning law" so you may have gotten it from those two words. You should be aware that this is also a term for the system used by the Federal Republic of Germany when they took power, they implemented Blitzgesetz as a policy. The result was a lot of political persecution in West Germany.

Have you looked up Japanese sword laws? They are not particularly lenient and collecting swords in Japan is not an easy task. You have to register all of your swords with the police. Only Japanese made swords are allowed in Japan, anything foreign would be confiscated. The laws are really strict as part of the Customs and Firearms and Swords Control Law. You may wish to read up on that.

I think that you'll find doing some of this research and answering some of these questions will help you make a more believable story. You could add an interesting character who helps him get these things licensed, etc. Research will make your stories stronger and more believable!

[gekiganwing]

A couple things to consider:

* How dedicated are you to your story? Are you willing to keep writing even if it starts to seem boring? Can you keep writing even when it's frustrating? Would you persevere even if you were distracted from your story by a life crisis?
* I respect people who have great ambitions, and who want to create a visual novel that will shake up fandom. That said... be careful before you commit to creating a long or complex VN. It's sometimes easier to climb a hill before climbing a mountain. You *might* benefit by writing and finishing a short story first, and then moving on to an epic-scale intricate story.

Why Japan? Have you been there?

I have asked other freeware / indie visual novel creators this same question a few times... That said, if you want to use a contemporary Japan setting for your story, HolyRabbid, that's fine. I recommend making sure you do enough setting-related research to make sure that your VN does not include any factual errors. At the same time, remember that you're writing a story rather than a non fiction report.

*Sometimes* it's a good idea to write about places where you have lived or visited. It doesn't have to be realistic -- you can write amusing or fantastic stories based on places that you have been.

Think about a variety of things that you enjoy. It appears that you liked at least two of Winged Cloud's stories (none of which I made time for reading...)and at least one of the Sono Hanabira stories. What else do you find entertaining? Any favorite books, comics, live theater, movies, etc? Any other hobbies or interests? I ask these questions in order to encourage you to create a visual novel that represents who you are. Consider it to be your story, and something that you want to create.

Don't imitate what other people have written. Manage your fictional influences, so that your story doesn't seem like a hand-me-down version of other people's stories. Think about media that you find fascinating. Then ask yourself, "What can I do in order to improve on this?"

[HolyRabbid]

Thanks for the input! And sorry I wasn't able to get back. I'm currently adjusting to school life - and one of my courses is Advanced Creative Writing, something I'm hoping will help me with the more technical side of writing fiction.

After reading your thoughts, I went ahead and changed a couple of things.

Firstly, DCH:

1. I used Japan only as a temporary backdrop. Since I hadn't thought everything out, I needed some sort of setting for the story to take place until I could wrangle a firmer grasp on the story itself. The new setting is based on a part of Texas that is much more lax about swords than other states - and Japan, as well! The location is fictional, but based on a school I went to myself.

2. It's true that I am not a transfer student. However, one of my best friends is currently abroad in Japan as an English teacher, and she has been very insightful. Some parts of my story are actually inspired by her real-life experiences.

3. Michael's last name, Cerahf, is based on his first appearance in one of my crossovers on DeviantArt. Re-spell the name, and it becomes "Seraph".

4. I chose "Blitzgesetz" because of something I have planned for Joseph involving his family history. You're right on the mark about its origin - but rest assured, Joseph won't be like that. If anything, he will outline a unique form of altruism.

5. I er...did not look up said laws. This goes back to #1 - I only used Japan as a temporary backdrop until I could do more research.

To gekiganwing:

You bring up an excellent idea! One of my greatest skills is weaving two or more stories together into a crossover, using ideas or themes shared by the two. This pursuit of mine is a twofold project - to help me materialize my writing skill into something others can enjoy, and to help me create original work rather than simply blending stories together.

And I already have your fifth comment covered. There is quite a bit of inspiration going into the story and Michael - I won't give all of my sources, but the ideas should present themselves in a way that'll be both nostalgic and mind-opening! Of course you can only do so much for an ecchi VN...but it's something I want to try.