Writing Support

[JeremyBenson]

I'm working on a new story that I think I'll get some support on here in the forums. I hope that you guys will help me. There's a grand vision in my mind, but fleshing out ideas has never been my strong point. I'm always best at making the idea itself...

Can you have a look at this intro? I have a couple of fears with this piece. One is that it's not laid out right visually, and the other is that the dialogue isn't good enough. Also not sure what I'm doing with transitions yet, but if you're a pro, some pointers there would be good too.

As a little side note for reading, the next scene is in a bar.

INTRO FLASHBACK: FALSE MEMORY

YARD - DAY

FADE IN:

PAN IMAGE: Abel’s home, a beautiful property built on the salary of an accomplished accountant.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

ABEL’S ENTRY - DAY

SOUND: Door.

[Abel] Honey, I’m home.

[Abel] Honey?

[Abel] Where is she off to?

[Abel] Honey?

[Wife] I’m in here…

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

ABEL’S LIVINGROOM - DAY

IMAGE: Abel’s wife is waiting for him dressed in sexy clothing.

[Wife] It’s about time you got home. Long day at work?

[Abel] It’s always a long day keeping books. The office was rushed, but luckily I was able to get out of there early.

[Abel] Just like I promised.

[Abel] You look beautiful by the way.

[Wife] I do, don’t I?

[Abel] Too beautiful.

[Wife] *Laughs*

[Wife] Thanks.

[Abel] You’re cute. What’s gotten into you?

[Wife] I didn’t want to waste your only early day this month, so I prepared something special for us… I hope you like it.

PAN IMAGE: Coffee table set up with frills, flowers, and a bottle of whine.

[Abel] Wow, you really went out of your way this time, didn’t you?

[Abel] I don’t think I deserve this.

[Wife] You’re right you don’t. *Giggles*

[Wife] No. We deserve it, don’t we? How longs it been?

[Abel] Too long.

[Abel] Maybe later we could…

[Wife] Shh...

[Wife] Come.

Dissolve: Fade screen black.

SOUND: Bottle top popping. Giggling.

SOUND: Pouring of wine.

CHAPTER 1: STRANGE NIGHT

TAVERN - NIGHT (Future)

TEXT: 10 years later.

PAN IMAGE: A glass of whiskey sitting on the bar. Ashtray filled with butts.

IMAGE: Abel’s eyes looking tired… Lost.

IMAGE: Abel’s glass of whiskey on the bar.

ANIMATION:Screen flashes white, the glass cracks in front of Abel.

SOUND: Glass crashing, as if a car accident.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

PAN IMAGE: Crashed car. A woman lying dead in the road. A baby carriage laid on its side.

SOUND: Sirens in the distance.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

ANIMATION: Glass un-cracks.

[Abel] No! Not again… I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

[Abel] Why can’t you just leave me the hell alone?

[Bartender] Are you alright?

IMAGE: Bartender wiping counter.

[Bartender] You look a little lost.

[Abel] I’m fine.

[Bartender] You sure, man?

[Abel] Yeah...

[Abel] Get me another one. I’m not big on idle chat these days.

SOUND: Door opening.

[Bartender] You got it.

IMAGE: Rough looking men coming in off the street.

SOUND: Liquor pouring.

IMAGE: Leader of the ruffian pack.

[Leader] Did you see the way that chick looked at me?

[Ruffian] She was looking at me, dummy.

[Leader] You wish she was looking at you!

[Leader] A girl like that wouldn’t be interested in someone like you!

[Ruffian] How do you know?

[Leader] Real woman, like real men.

[Leader] You hardly fit the bill!

[Ruffian] Gee, thanks.

TRANSITION: FLASH.

PAN IMAGE: Abel’s eyes looking annoyed.

SOUND: Cup set down.

[Bartender] Here you go.

[Abel] Thanks.

TRANSITION: Flash.

SOUND: Leader of ruffians bumping into glass.

TRANSITION: Flash.

PAN IMAGE: Whiskey glass overturned. Ruffian standing beside Abel.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

IMAGE: Ruffian leader doesn’t look serious, smug look on face.

[Leader] Oh… Sorry, buddy *Laugh*

[Leader] Get me a drink, bartender. I could use a stiff one.

[Ruffian] Me too.

TRANSITION: Dissolve

IMAGE: Bartender.

[bartender] You’re too drunk to be in here, boys!

[Bartender] Go on!

[Bartender] Get out of here!

[Leader] G-Get me a damn drink, old man!

[Leader] Now!

[Bartender] Get out!

TRANSITION: Flash white.

IMAGE: Abel stands, knocking aside the leader.

[Abel] I’m not your buddy, kid.

IMAGE: Leader knocked back. Face looks startled.

ANIMATION: Leaders face turns into a begrudging look.

[Leader] - Oh-Ho! A tough guy?

[Ruffian] - You’re gonna regret that, dude.

IMAGE: Ruffians preparing for fight. Two ruffians beside leader rubbing their knuckles.

TRANSITION: Battle start transition.

[Battle with ruffians. Player loses.]

ALLEY - NIGHT

IMAGE: Abel getting tossed out of the bar, into a trash heap.

PAN IMAGE: Abel lying in trash heap, rubbing his head.

IMAGE: Abel laying in the rubbish.

[Abel] Ugh… My head.

[Abel] My damn head.

IMAGE: Abel standing by the garbage.

[Abel] Punks…

[Abel] Who do they think they?

IMAGE: Abel looking around.

[Abel] Maybe I better get home.

[Abel] It’s been a long night.

IMAGE: Abel staggering down the alley.

[Abel] This should cut down the walk.

IMAGE: Farther down the alley. Fire glowing in the distance. Two homeless guys are standing near a fire.

[Homeless1] Damn, it’s pretty chilly out here, man.

IMAGE: Homeless2 breaths into his hands.

[Homeless2] Yea’ and I haven’t ate all day, either.

[Homeless2] Missed the kitchen to do some paperwork for the shelter payment support system.

[Homeless1] I got a leftover sandwich.

[Homeless2] Want it?

IMAGE: Homeless2’s eyes light up.

[Homeless2] Sure, man.

[Homeless2] Thanks.

IMAGE: Abel nears the garbage can.

IMAGE: Homeless2 starts to look sick.

[Homeless2] I don’t…

[Homeless2] Ugh...Feel so good.

[Homeless1] You alright?

[Homeless1] Buddy?

IMAGE: Change comes over homeless2. His eyes glow dark neon purple.

[Homeless1] Ben?

[Homeless1] Ugh.. Arg!

IMAGE: Change comes over homeless1 and his eyes glow purple as well.

[Abel] - What the hell is going on?

[Homeless1] Time to die.

[Abel] H- hold on.

[Abel] What do think you’re getting at?

TRANSITION: Battle transition.

[During this fight Abel is able to pick up a pipe for his first weapon]

IMAGE: The homeless men are lying dead on the ground.

IMAGE: Abel looks puzzled.

[Abel] Oh God, what did I do?

[Abel] I killed them...

IMAGE: Homeless2 with strange fluid leaking out of his mouth.

[User clicks fluid to advance.]

IMAGE: Abel has fluid on his fingertips.

ANIMATION: Crosshairs circle the fluid. A readout on the screen shows this is oil.

[Abel] Oil… HY-280.

[Abel] How do I know this?

SOUND: Commotion at the end of the alley.

IMAGE: Abel looks startled.

IMAGE: More glowing neon purple eyes at the end of the alley.

TRANSITION: Flash… Screen white.

VOID - UNKNOWN

TEXT: You’re all alone…

[Abel] Wha- Who are you?!

TEXT: They’re all alone inside…

[Abel] What are you talking about!?

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

ALLEY - NIGHT

IMAGE: Abel looking around.

IMAGE: Doorway.

[Voice] Go in…

IMAGE: Glowing eyes getting closer.

[Abel] I gotta get out of here.

SOUND: Door opening.

ABANDONED APARTMENTS ENTRANCE - NIGHT

IMAGE: By door.

[Abel] What the hell’s going on out there?

[Abel] This can’t be happening.

[Abel] I got to get this door blocked.

[Abel can click a piece of bent medal to put it in the door handle]

IMAGE: Medal bar in the door.

SOUND: Banging on the door.

ANIMATION: Door moving with pounding.

[Abel] Great.

[Abel] I gotta get out of here.

IMAGE: Hallway.

[Voice] Through…

SOUND: Static glitch

[Voice] Through here, Dennis.

[Abel] De- Who’s Dennis?

[Abel] I’m not Dennis!

SOUND: Static glitch.

[Voice] Come on Dr. Bower. Down the hall.

IMAGE: Hall.

ANIMATION: Overlay a hospital like hallway.

SOUND: Crack noise.

IMAGE OVERLAY ANIMATION: Overlay opaque slow pulsing red cracks.

[Abel] Argh!

IMAGE: Abel on his knees.

[Abel] God, my head hurts.

[Voice] Hurry. There isn’t much time.

HALLWAY - NIGHT

IMAGE: In hallway.

[Voice] Keep going…

IMAGE: hallway walking by apartment rooms.

IMAGE OVERLAY: Apartments of hallway turns into wards, with glass windows.

IMAGE: Looking in one of the windows. Patient is sitting on floor rocking back and forth.

[Voice] Dr. Bowen, the patient is showing signs of neurological unrest.

[Abel] Who is this guy?

Sound: Abel knocking on the window.

[Abel] Hello?

IMAGE: Patient is alerted.

SOUND: Siren.

[Voice] Dr. Bowen, there’s a level yellow situation in genetical containment.

[Abel] What?

IMAGE: Abel walks the hallway. Hallway looks normal again.

IMAGE: Glowing neon purple eyes at the end of the hallway.

IMAGE: Rats emerge from the darkness with glowing eyes.

[Abel] Not again.

TRANSITION: Battle transition.

[Commence battle with transanimal rats.]

[Abel] What the hell were those things?!

[Abel] Those rats weren’t normal.

[Abel] How can this happen?

ANIMATION: Electronic particles.

IMAGE: A young boy.

[Abel] - W- Who the hell are you?

[Boy] - Through here...

IMAGE: Boy points towards second hallway.

[Abel] Wait.

ANIMATION: The boy vanishes.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

[Abel] - Ugh!

[Abel] - Whatever. I’m getting out of here.

ABANDONED APARTMENT SECOND HALLWAY - NIGHT

IMAGE: SECOND HALLWAY

[Abel] - Where too now?

IMAGE: Farther down the hall there’s a door with a metal box beside it.

[Abel] - An exit!

IMAGE: Abel walks to the door.

[Mouse click the door to find out it’s locked.]

[Sound] - Door rattles

[Abel] - Damn!

[Voice] - Use the computer panel.

[Mouse click the panel to open computer lock]

ANIMATION: Panel opened.

[Click panel to place hand on computer.]

IMAGE: Abel’s hand on the computer.

Abel - I can feel it.

Abel - It’s alive.

Abel - I can feel its vibrations, like a heart beating under my palm.

[Lock game - Match Game]

SOUND: Lock opening.

Abel - Got it.

[Click door to open it.]

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

LEINSTER ST - NIGHT

IMAGE: Abel stands on the street at night.

PAN IMAGE: Empty Street.

[Abel] I’m going home before I get killed out here.

[Abel] Whatever those things are, I’ve had enough of them.

[Abel] I’m not about to be stomped to death by some steroid junkies on a new drug.

[Map icon flashes in upper corner - Abel is able to travel home.]

HOME ENTRANCE - NIGHT

IMAGE: Abel standing in doorway.

[Abel] I’ve had as much of this day as I can take.

[Abel] I’m ready for bed.

IMAGE: Abel hangs his coat on a hanger by the door.

[Abel] Lock the door!

IMAGE: Abel puts the deadbolt in place.

[Abel] Now bed.

TRANSITION: Dissolve.

HOME BEDROOM - NIGHT

IMAGE: Abel is in his room.

[Abel] - Sleep…

[Abel] now...

IMAGE: Abel lying in bed.

[Abel] - Hopefully I won’t wake up tomorrow.

[Abel] - Or ever.

TRANSITION: Dissolve Black.

Questions

What would make the visuals and dialogue more interesting?

[RotGtIE]

Don't be a lazy Idea Guy. If you're going to write a story, actually write it.

[JeremyBenson]

I know... I'm looking dialogue pointers though.

[Kuiper]

What would make the visuals and dialogue more interesting?

You haven't posted any visuals, so I can't really give you any feedback on what would make them more interesting.

As for the dialog, there isn't really much to judge there, either. I'd recommend posting something more substantive. Try writing a complete conversation that has a beginning, middle, and end. At that point, people can give you feedback and that can be the basis for learning improvement. Right now, there's not much to improve upon, because most of what you've posted is stage direction, not dialog.

I'm looking dialogue pointers though.

You really should use ellipses more sparingly.

[JeremyBenson]

You really should use ellipses more sparingly.

Mighty. I should do that with everyday posts too. Do you mean in the script though?

[TheJerminator15]

You really should use ellipses more sparingly.

Mighty. I should do that with everyday posts too. Do you mean in the script though?

I believe they do mean in the script. And with that I agree. Using ellipses so much makes it feel somewhat lazy and lessens the impact of their use a lot because you're just throwing them in with every two or so lines. If your attempt was to have their speech stutter, a more widely used and in my opinion far better method is to use hyphens.

"N-No that isn't what I meant."

It's not exactly mindblowing but it's much better than ellipses in my opinion.

[JeremyBenson]

Thanks the Jerminator I thought someone changed my username, lol... but it was your post. I updated the script and added a bit more.

[Parataxis]

So my instinct upon reading the script is that is seems really ambitious with the number of visuals, without a lot of... substance? I understand you are trying to write around events happening and allow the reader to pick it up--I am doing something similar though perhaps more grounded--but to give you an example by the end of your prologue you have used 5 CGs and 2 Animations to communicate "guy named Abel comes home to happy wife who misses him when he works late." This is without any hint of the future uncertainty in that memory. It seems... I dunno... wasteful? Do you have an artist lined up to do all this? Are you sure you couldn't accomplish the same scene with less?

I guess my point is that reading your script I do not get the impression that you are writing a visual novel, I get the impression that you are writing a movie. Writing a movie isn't bad, per se, but if you are going to try and implement this as a visual novel you are going to change how your brain approaches these things.

So I, in a similar situation, would probably start with the voices we hear later on talking over black with the credits. Then start when Abel comes in and have the one CG of the couple cuddling (or maybe one establishing shot of the exterior of the house and then one of the inside.) This grounds the audience into knowing that what they are seeing should be interesting and unnerving rather than a boring 1950's cliche. Do you see how that accomplishes the same thing but with less bouncing around in the shot composition?

[TheJerminator15]

Going over the revised dialogue, it feels rushed and stilted at points in perfect honesty. As does the transitions. For example Abel and his wife in the living room shows us they have issues, but it ends far too quickly in my opinion and resolves weirdly. he wife goes from criticising his lack of attention on her to incredibly supportive within the space of a few sentences. That doesn't really happen in reality in such a quick way. Then it just jumps to Abel in a bar without any prior indication and just out of nowhere. Maybe add a line about Abel saying he wants a drink.

That sort of rushed and stilted feeling seems to be consistent throughout the script as well, if you're struggling with dialogue (which is something I also do) you could offset it by padding the script with narration between the dialogue so it feels less stilted? Or it could even be descriptions of the setting (not the visual aspect, but things like sounds, smells, tastes of the liquor and the feeling of thirst etc).

[JeremyBenson]

I know the script is a bit rushed. I don't know if that's caused by me being in a rush, or not. I'll try to slow it down a bit. I'd like to revise the intro, with some of your suggestions, but after taking out the old intro I'm not sure what to do.

The thing about the bar is it's not the same time frame. I'll be sure to put that in the script so players, and readers, know it's in the future. I should make the pouring of the liquor match from Abel in his home, to future in the bar. Abel actually gets into a bad car accident that wrecks his life, but it's only revealed to the player in installments throughout the story.

Okay, so I updated the top post to reflect changes. Any suggestions for the new into?

[Kuiper]

On the subject of being "rushed," one tip I'd like to toss out is that you can often control the sense of pacing in a passage through the way that you construct your sentences. Longer sentences feel "slower," while having many short sentences makes it feel like things are moving a long at a more active pace. This is especially true in visual novels, where each line of dialog represents a text box. If each text box only has a few words, people are going to click through the story very quickly. You can do this intentionally to move people through an action scene faster, but if you want to give your characters a chance to breath, or give the impression that the characters are speaking in a relaxed tone at a moderate pace, then you should avoid using short, abrupt sentences.

Incidentally, one way to learn how to do this better is by reading books from different genres and of different lengths. If you compare a short thriller by Dan Brown to an epic fantasy novel by Robert Jordan, you'll notice clear differences in the way they're written. Obviously, an epic fantasy novel is going to be longer than a thriller that you can read in a single sitting, but if you isolate a paragraph from each of them, you'll find that the fantasy book tends to use longer paragraphs and longer sentences that include more description, while the thriller uses shorter sentences and shorter paragraphs that are light on description in order to keep the action moving.

One thing I'd like to emphasize is that you don't have to pick one or the other. For example, if you pick apart the fantasy novel, you'll probably find that some parts are heavier on description than others, and when it gets to a battle or some other action sequence that is supposed to ramp up the tension, the book starts to read more like a thriller as the author starts to use shorter sentences and paragraphs to pull you through the action faster. Neither of these approaches is strictly "right," and your writing will probably be most effective if you can use a mix of both to control the pace of your story. (The problem that thrillers can sometimes run into if you're ALWAYS using fast pacing is that they can get exhausting to read. Sometimes you need to slow down the pace to give your readers a chance to breathe--and it's nice to give the characters a chance to breathe every now and then, too. Put them through action, but give them a chance to process what has happened and react to it once the action is over.