Packing too much into a short section?

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ForkAndKnife
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Packing too much into a short section?

#1 Post by ForkAndKnife » Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:45 am

Hi, everyone. I've been working on a script for my first VN and would like a little feedback on a few issues I'm worried about.

Just some quick background on the story: "Street Couch" (working title) is a comedic VN inspired by the movie version of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It is about a band trying to get into a music festival that, come to find out, is organized by Chad, their biggest rival from another local band. Players will be able to make choices that determine whether Street Couch is able to play the festival, how well they play, a possible romance, etc. The story is meant to be comedic and lighthearted (albeit a little raunchy at times) and doesn't take itself too seriously. I just want to create something that will make people laugh.

That being said, my main concerns are as follows:

1. Is the dialogue too jam-packed? - As I was writing, I found myself packing too much into too little dialogue. Essentially, as I read it, it was joke after joke after joke. This gave the opposite effect I wanted and made none of the jokes seem funny. Plus, it was a little bit of a headache to read. I tried to pair it down, but I still have this concern.

2. Is there too much foul language? - I have read many scripts that tried to use bad language to seem funny or edgy, but it just made the whole thing sound juvenile and like the writer was trying too hard. I really would like to avoid this pit. My friends and I use pretty bad language around each other. That's how I talk, so sometimes that's how I write my characters! I just don't want there to be too much. (I am also considering making a "clean" version of the game for younger audiences or people who just don't like swearing. Is this an idea anyone has tried / implemented and what were the results?)

Here is a link to the WIP script. It is written a little like a screenplay, and that's just for my own benefit so I can program a little easier down the road. I imagine the game being written with very little to no narration. Instead, I will put some effects and character dialogue to good use. We'll see how that goes!!

The script I posted is still a work in progress and will probably change a bit with the final product. However, the dialogue for the game will most likely be very similar to this sample, and I want to be sure I'm heading in the right direction. Thank you in advance to anyone who has any feedback to give!

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indoneko
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Re: Packing too much into a short section?

#2 Post by indoneko » Tue Sep 06, 2016 5:51 am

I've read your script, and it makes me wonder who the MC is.

The interaction between Lou and Alex is quite interesting for me, and it could be made more funny if you have a third person reacting to Alex's jokes (building up reader's expectation) before Lou straights them up with his punchline.

About the foul language, if you put it there just because you're pretty used to it in real life, I don't think that's a good enough reason to make your characters follow your way.

But I don't mind to have them if it was part of the setting/character's trait AND he/she has particular reason for it. Perhaps like some anime catgirls who always add "nyaa~" at the end of their sentences when they tried to look cute (and even then some people might still find it annoying).
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ForkAndKnife
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Re: Packing too much into a short section?

#3 Post by ForkAndKnife » Wed Sep 07, 2016 12:05 am

Thanks for your reply!

I guess I'm sort of contemplating who the MC is, myself. Planning the story, I imagined it would be Josie, but as I wrote, it seemed more natural to have Lou take that role. Maybe the player will be the "god" of the game and just determine everyone's actions.

As far as the cursing goes, I definitely understand what you mean. I guess it still makes sense to use because it's how the people in my local punk rock scene speak, and very common in the type of music Street Couch plays. However, I will be sure to be more careful about which character curses and why.

You've given me a lot to think about!

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