Packing too much into a short section?
Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2016 3:45 am
Hi, everyone. I've been working on a script for my first VN and would like a little feedback on a few issues I'm worried about.
Just some quick background on the story: "Street Couch" (working title) is a comedic VN inspired by the movie version of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It is about a band trying to get into a music festival that, come to find out, is organized by Chad, their biggest rival from another local band. Players will be able to make choices that determine whether Street Couch is able to play the festival, how well they play, a possible romance, etc. The story is meant to be comedic and lighthearted (albeit a little raunchy at times) and doesn't take itself too seriously. I just want to create something that will make people laugh.
That being said, my main concerns are as follows:
1. Is the dialogue too jam-packed? - As I was writing, I found myself packing too much into too little dialogue. Essentially, as I read it, it was joke after joke after joke. This gave the opposite effect I wanted and made none of the jokes seem funny. Plus, it was a little bit of a headache to read. I tried to pair it down, but I still have this concern.
2. Is there too much foul language? - I have read many scripts that tried to use bad language to seem funny or edgy, but it just made the whole thing sound juvenile and like the writer was trying too hard. I really would like to avoid this pit. My friends and I use pretty bad language around each other. That's how I talk, so sometimes that's how I write my characters! I just don't want there to be too much. (I am also considering making a "clean" version of the game for younger audiences or people who just don't like swearing. Is this an idea anyone has tried / implemented and what were the results?)
Here is a link to the WIP script. It is written a little like a screenplay, and that's just for my own benefit so I can program a little easier down the road. I imagine the game being written with very little to no narration. Instead, I will put some effects and character dialogue to good use. We'll see how that goes!!
The script I posted is still a work in progress and will probably change a bit with the final product. However, the dialogue for the game will most likely be very similar to this sample, and I want to be sure I'm heading in the right direction. Thank you in advance to anyone who has any feedback to give!
Just some quick background on the story: "Street Couch" (working title) is a comedic VN inspired by the movie version of Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World. It is about a band trying to get into a music festival that, come to find out, is organized by Chad, their biggest rival from another local band. Players will be able to make choices that determine whether Street Couch is able to play the festival, how well they play, a possible romance, etc. The story is meant to be comedic and lighthearted (albeit a little raunchy at times) and doesn't take itself too seriously. I just want to create something that will make people laugh.
That being said, my main concerns are as follows:
1. Is the dialogue too jam-packed? - As I was writing, I found myself packing too much into too little dialogue. Essentially, as I read it, it was joke after joke after joke. This gave the opposite effect I wanted and made none of the jokes seem funny. Plus, it was a little bit of a headache to read. I tried to pair it down, but I still have this concern.
2. Is there too much foul language? - I have read many scripts that tried to use bad language to seem funny or edgy, but it just made the whole thing sound juvenile and like the writer was trying too hard. I really would like to avoid this pit. My friends and I use pretty bad language around each other. That's how I talk, so sometimes that's how I write my characters! I just don't want there to be too much. (I am also considering making a "clean" version of the game for younger audiences or people who just don't like swearing. Is this an idea anyone has tried / implemented and what were the results?)
Here is a link to the WIP script. It is written a little like a screenplay, and that's just for my own benefit so I can program a little easier down the road. I imagine the game being written with very little to no narration. Instead, I will put some effects and character dialogue to good use. We'll see how that goes!!
The script I posted is still a work in progress and will probably change a bit with the final product. However, the dialogue for the game will most likely be very similar to this sample, and I want to be sure I'm heading in the right direction. Thank you in advance to anyone who has any feedback to give!