Having trouble checking ;;

[Chell]

Hey everyone.
I'm currently making my first VN for NaNoReno. It's being fun, but I had trouble already. I wrote the first chapter and accidentally erased it. Now I'm rewriting it but it isn't giving off the feeling I intended it to. So I wanted to share a few words and ask which do you enjoy better. Thanks in advance ~


“It’s yet another work day.”
“The wind blows calmly outside, and everything feels lazy.”
“Although it would be a lazy day even if there was a thunderstorm. Nobody comes to the store anyway.”
“I’m a clerk in the sole games’ store in a quiet, rural town.”
“Being a clerk in a quiet games’ store in the countryside sounds great... for people who enjoy playing while their bosses are out, probably.”
“As for myself... I don’t know anything about games and I didn’t sign up for it.”
“Which leads us to the fact that the store is always empty.”
“At first a few people bothered to come in and ask for recommendations, but soon everyone realized I wasn’t able to recommend anything, and now everyone in town knows it.”
“I mop the front of the store for the third time. It’s clean already, but a few leaves got to the front door…”
“After mopping the sidewalk for the third time, I go back inside the store and light up a cigarette.”
“Ah… well. Since nobody comes in anyway...”
“Soon enough, two young children come to the front of the shop and begin to scream things.”
“Look, it’s the new Wizards’ Gathering package!”
“Do you play it too?”
“Of course! I’m surprised *you* play it!”
“Are you kidding? I’m a level 53 wizard there.”
“No way, you’re lying!”
“The children walk away while fighting over who is lying.”
“Wizards’ Gathering, huh…”
“It’s an incredibly popular MMO among children and teens.”
“I blow the smoke and distract myself with my thoughts.”
“For dinner today… what to do…”
“Soon enough, a girl I’ve never seen before comes into the front door.”
“She’s sporting a blue t-shirt with some game character stamped on it, and looks like she’s in her late teens.”
“Ah, she looks uncomfortable with the cigarette… let’s throw it away after all.”
“Sighs.”
“Come on in.”
“Excuse me…”
“The girl comes inside the store smiling and then she just starts browsing the shelves, quietly and awkwardly.”
“She’s quite weird, if I might note such a thing.”
“Um… so there’s a Gamepot even in this city, huh.”
“You shouldn’t say that to break the ice, miss.”
“There’s one of these everywhere nowadays, right?”
“Damn bastard.”
“So, if this is a Gamepot… is there a room in the back where we can playtest games?”
“I had no idea this was a thing common to Gamepots, but…”
“Yes. It’s free for the first 25 minutes, and then it’s $5 for an hour.”
“So… can I play Wizards’ Gathering there?”
“Ah, certainly. Please follow me.”
“Wizards’ Gathering again…”
“I lead the way to the strange silent girl to the back of the store, which is actually a small door no further than 2 meters from where we were.”
“Please, go inside.”
“It’s a small cramped room with an air conditioner which serves the purpose of playtesting games we’ve got for sale.”
“Thanks. I can handle it from there.”
“But…”
“She quickly plugs the device which allows the game to be displayed outside, inserts the CD, checks the CPU and the air conditioner, and now she’s already logging in the game.”
“So quick.”
“She laughs and logs into an account.”
“You didn’t believe I could handle it.”
> “I did.”
> “I didn’t.”
“So… it’s free for 25 minutes, right?”
“Yes, and every hour after costs $5.”
“I don’t have $5, but… you’ll let me stay more hours, I know.”
“...Oh. What.”
“Is she a criminal or something? It would explain the quick hands...”
“Is it just you working here?”
“...Oh. Brother, please no.”
“Actually it’s me and my brother, but he’s often not around… Oh, but we do have cameras here.”
“Damn, I gotta go and break those cameras.”
“I almost pee my pants.”
“I’m kidding. Do you really think I’m a criminal, despite being 1,56 meters tall?”
“She laughs loudly in contrast to her low voice.”
“Props if there’s anyone in the world who looks as childish as me and is able to rob an establishment.”
“There’s flashing lights everywhere in the screen and moving characters. I understand absolutely nothing of what’s going on.”
“I can tell by the way you look at the screen that you don’t play Wizards’ Gathering or anything for that matter, but…”
> “I really don’t.”
> “Are you kidding? I play Wizards’ Gathering every single day.”
“Oh… really?”
“So, what’s your character in the game?”
>“Sorry, I lied. I don’t actually play it.”
>“A level 53 wizard.”
“I’m sorry to say I know every top ranked wizard and I can assure you you are not a level 53 wizard.”
“But I’ll pretend to believe you because you really tried!”
“I’m not sure whether I should be thankful or depressed by looking at her smile as she says such a harsh thing.”

-

jt "It's yet another ordinary day."
jt "I'm sitting here, looking at the ceiling and trying to figure out what to do next."
jt "The sidewalk has been cleaned already, the shelves are organized too..."
jt "6 hours left of my working day of 8 hours, five days a week in a pacate small town..."
jt "...managing a store that sells things I'm not the slightest bit interested in.”
jt “Sounds easy but it's essentially the definition of boring."
jt "The same kids come eventually... at first they would try and ask me for recommendations, but now they don't even bother anymore."
jt "Maybe I should... light a cig."
"As I think that, two kids stop in front of the and start talking about something there."
k1 "Hey, look! Isn't that the new Wizards' Gathering package?"
k2 "Oh, yeah? You play Wizards' Gathering too?"
k1 "Doesn't everyone? I wasn't sure you played it..."
k2 "Of course, I'm a level 53 sorcerer."
k1 "Oh, c'mon, you liar."
"The two kids keep walking down the street, sorcerer kid looking cocky as the other complains."
jt "Wizards' Gathering, huh? ..."
"It's the number one popular game among children nowadays. It's all I know, despite being a games store clerk."
"My thoughts almost wander off, and finally remember to get a cig."
jt "Although I shouldn't keep up with the unhealthy addictions... but even games can be addictive, too."
jt "I could certainly play a game on this computer, but it's useless..."
"As I speak, yet another visitor comes into the door and stands there."
"It's a plain-looking girl who looks like she's in her late teens. I don't think I've seen her around before."
jt "Come on in."
"I the smoke and go out of the balcony to help her... as if I would though."
g1 "Um, excuse me..."
"The girl walks in and wanders in an almost robotic way. She seems to be shy."
g1 "I never expected to find a Gamepot in this small town."
jt "There's one of these everywhere nowadays, right?"
"F*cking bastard."
g1 "Ah, I guess so!"
"She remains quiet and walks around some more, looking at the shelves and products."
g1 "Um..."
jt "Yes?"
g1 "So, if this is a Gamepot... can people go and play games in the back too?"
jt "We do have a computer where you can play games in the back..."
"I didn't know it was a brand thing."
jt "It's free for the first 25 minutes of whatever game we've got in our stock, and then it's $30 per 25 minutes."
g1 "Do you work alone here?"
"That was a sudden question."
jt1 "Um... no, I... my brother works with me."
"Although he's often not around."
g1 "I see. So... could you let me play Wizards Gathering?"
jt "Alright, then. Please, follow me."
"I guide her towards the room in the back of the store.”
jt “It’s a small room with air conditioner where visitors can playtest games."

{...}

I didn't continue writing the second version yet as I'm not certain which is better, but let's see. Please gimme feedback and thanks in advance. ^_^

[indoneko]

The first one feels better. The store clerk is kinda bland but it's in a good combination with the playful girl. The second one doesn't have the same chemistry, and kinda boring overall... or was that intended and you actually prepared a shocking twist afterwards?

[Chell]

@indoneko Hi! I didn't. Actually it naturally became maybe boring because I got bored after typing the story three times lol. But I thought maybe a boring but clear script might be better, not so dragged out etc. After all it's my first VN so yea. Thanks a lot ♡