Should I really put this out there so early?

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quinnsea
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Should I really put this out there so early?

#1 Post by quinnsea »

Alright, so I understand that a very important rule when it comes to story writing is show don't tell. Its already been established in the narrative that this character belongs to a group of people that have powers. These powers have gotten them in a situation that has forced them to leave their former life.

I've added a dialogue option where the protagonist meets another member of the group, asking them what their story is. What was the situation their powers got them into that forced them to leave the town they used to live in.

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j "So what’s your story?"
m "I beg your pardon?"
j "What’s your story? Why’d you run to the forest everybody callin’ you a monster?"
m "Hm…"
m "I suppose that is something I could share."
m "I am far from similar to our kindred spirits in that aspect. I was born as the beast I am."
m "From my first breath, I was considered a horrifying creature."
m "Before I knew how to walk, my legs were snapped. Even the most base forms of sustenance were considered a luxury."
m "The humans did not allow me to forget what I was and that my existence was a mistake."
m "So… once I was of age I left."

menu:
       "I'm glad you're okay.":

              j "I'm, uh..."
              "Deep breaths, Jackie. Hindsight and everybody said he's the strongest."
              "Probably 'cause he had to go through all that, right?"
              j "I'm glad you're okay now."
              m "...Yes, I am. I'm absolutely grand."
              m "Hm..."

       "And that's it?":

              j "And that's it?"
              m "Hehehe... No, you've caught me."
              m "{b}I exterminated everyone that deemed me unfit to live amongst humans.{/b}"
              j "What the fuck?!"
              m "Is that not appropriate in your eyes?"
              m "Perhaps in time you will understand my intentions."
M is intentionally depicted as someone that tries to come off as dramatic. To a certain extent, he's also very open about his past. Someone on my team recommended I simply put all of his dialogue regarding his past into one text box to further affirm how open he is. It'll be seen as rambling, so breaking the rule seems appropriate considering that's just who he is.

But I'm afraid if I do this, I'll lose the impression that he's trying to be dramatic. I'm tempted to just take the line "Before I knew how to walk, my legs were snapped. Even the most base forms of sustenance were considered a luxury." out of this part of the story. But I'm afraid that it'll make "I exterminated everyone that deemed me unfit to live amongst humans." seem... off.

M is an extremely violent individual, however if I get rid of the former line leaving the latter one it will give the false impression that he is violent without reason. It might make it feel like he just killed a bunch of people just because they didn't like him, not because he was abused.

Does anyone have any other ideas on how I should fix this? Maybe just leave it the way it is? I need input.
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quinn / 26 / qa analyst, game design hobbyist
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Scribbles
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Re: Should I really put this out there so early?

#2 Post by Scribbles »

there are no writing rules, they're more like guidelines. If you think the scene feels right, stick to it. I promise you'll second guess just about everything by the time you're done.

As far as my thoughts on this snippet of a scene, I feel like M is trying really hard to seem dangerous, and is a bit immature in going on about it the way he is. There isn't anything wrong with that(kinda like a young delinquent), but I don't get the sense of "dramatics" that you said you were going for? Also it seems weird that J doesn't have more inner thought going on throughout all of this. I don't really know enough about your story or characters to say much more > <

I guess my best advice would be to have beta-testers read over the game when the script is done and give you overall feedback, then if they feel like there is too much exposition they will let you know. It's really hard to judge writing on little snippets like this.

I'm sorry if I didn't answer what you wanted, but I hope I helped!
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quinnsea
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Re: Should I really put this out there so early?

#3 Post by quinnsea »

No, childish attempts is a bit more of an accurate way to describe it. lol

I should probably give J some more thoughts about it, referencing more to how ridiculous he sounds. I do have a few beta-testers, I've just been having a hard time getting them to read;;;

Thanks for your answer, it actually helped out a lot!
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Scribbles
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Re: Should I really put this out there so early?

#4 Post by Scribbles »

quinnsea wrote:No, childish attempts is a bit more of an accurate way to describe it. lol

I should probably give J some more thoughts about it, referencing more to how ridiculous he sounds. I do have a few beta-testers, I've just been having a hard time getting them to read;;;

Thanks for your answer, it actually helped out a lot!
I'm glad it helped!
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