A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreciated

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
Post Reply
Message
Author

User avatar
sasquatchii
Miko-Class Veteran
Posts: 552
Joined: Fri Jul 04, 2014 7:48 am
Completed: A Day in the Life of a Slice of Bread
Deviantart: sasquatchix
Soundcloud: sasquatchii
itch: sasquatchii
Location: South Carolina
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#2 Post by sasquatchii »

I really like what you've shared so far! The way you've written the story is like poetry, and I'm curious to learn more about what's going on.

One thing I would suggest would be to create a stronger opening line, something to grab the audience's attention and keep them interested. This is often called a "hook" because it captures a reader's attention with interesting statements or ideas just like the way fisherman use shiny lures to catch fish.

There are many ways to go about doing this at the beginning of your story, and if you can, you want to start with the first sentence. One way you might do this is by getting the audience to ask a question, or starting off with something so odd and interesting that they want to read to find out more.

So, instead of: "The forest is aglow with the light of my campfire" -

You could use this sentence instead: "In her hands she held hope."

I LOVE this sentence. It's interesting, it makes me ask so many questions - who is she? What is she holding? Is the narrator someone who is in a dark place?

Hope this helps! Overall though, I really like your writing style and look forward to seeing more from you :)
Last edited by sasquatchii on Tue Jun 20, 2017 10:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
ImageImage

MalusGreen
Newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:32 pm
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#3 Post by MalusGreen »

Thanks for the reply!

Actually, I was debating with myself whether or not I should open with an exciting line, or whether I should allow the atmosphere to do the talking in the very first scene.

Essentially, I had imagined that pieces of the surrounding would fade into existence in pieces that circle around the flame, though I've neglected to comment my animations at the beginning. I'll add that in right now.

I was thinking that the animation itself would serve as a good hook to the story, but I believe you're right, perhaps the readers require something to sink their teeth into from the writing side as well. :)

User avatar
Zelan
Lemma-Class Veteran
Posts: 2436
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:23 pm
Completed: The Dark
Projects: Cosplay Couple
Tumblr: evns
itch: Zelan
Discord: ltnkitsuragi#7082
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#4 Post by Zelan »

MalusGreen wrote:Thanks for the reply!

Actually, I was debating with myself whether or not I should open with an exciting line, or whether I should allow the atmosphere to do the talking in the very first scene.

Essentially, I had imagined that pieces of the surrounding would fade into existence in pieces that circle around the flame, though I've neglected to comment my animations at the beginning. I'll add that in right now.

I was thinking that the animation itself would serve as a good hook to the story, but I believe you're right, perhaps the readers require something to sink their teeth into from the writing side as well. :)
Seconding Sasquatchii - a first line that is in some way memorable is super important and will definitely help to interest your readers. One of my favorite authors when I was younger, Rick Riordan, really has a way of making his first lines both funny and thought-provoking, setting up what's sure to be an interesting scenario. His book The Blood of Olympus begins with the line, "Jason hated being old." It's a funny line - not laugh-out-loud funny, but it makes you smile a bit - but if you've been keeping up with the series, you're also confused. Jason is a sixteen-year-old kid. What does he know about being old? That question is answered within the next couple paragraphs, but by then the characters' mission has been set up and you're all excited to read about it.

Obviously, your opening line doesn't have to be funny, but that was what fit the tone of Rick Riordan's works. I agree with Sasquatchii that "In her hands she held hope" is a good opening sentence, and I also think it fits your tone well.

User avatar
Shipwrecker
Newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Thu Jun 15, 2017 2:50 am
Location: Japan
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#5 Post by Shipwrecker »

I also agree with Sasquatchii. I think it's a better opening line. I also think the handkerchief floating down is a good first image. You don't need to frame the memory.

Maybe you could start with the memory and then cut to the reality. This gives us hints about Ignis without spelling things out too much. We realize that the memory is both important to him and to the story. His sigh straight afterwards then suggests that something is lost, or has gone wrong. We get the sense from the very beginning that something has happened. Most of the stuff that happens before the "In her hands" line doesn't seem important, or is already communicated through the art. Maybe add the "How long has it been" line after the sigh.

Hope this makes sense. I'd definitely continue reading. I like the art too.

MalusGreen
Newbie
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Jun 20, 2017 5:32 pm
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#6 Post by MalusGreen »

Hmmm.

How should I go about it actually? Because it's rare to see a configuration like flashback -> present -> flashback -> present.

Would a italicized line in the dark "In her hands there was hope." Be good enough?

Hooks tend to need to segway into the intro itself, but my intro is the establishing shot for the present camp.

I'm worried about messing with the flow of the piece itself because a large portion of the flashback has already been planned as sketches, changing the flow would mess with the direction of the VN itself at this point.

It's an interesting problem. What would I do now if I wanted to add the hook? Right now the only solution which comes to mind is making that italicized line in the dark.

Then jumping into the animations and the rest of the script.

User avatar
Zelan
Lemma-Class Veteran
Posts: 2436
Joined: Tue Mar 01, 2016 7:23 pm
Completed: The Dark
Projects: Cosplay Couple
Tumblr: evns
itch: Zelan
Discord: ltnkitsuragi#7082
Contact:

Re: A Short Opening Script to a New VN, Any Thoughts Appreci

#7 Post by Zelan »

I think italics would probably be a good solution. Your readers aren't stupid (mostly); they'll probably pick up on it. And just because a configuration is rare doesn't mean it's bad.

If it's something you're really concerned about, try to find some playtesters before you release and see if they have any problems/opinions.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users