Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

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PedalRocket
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Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#1 Post by PedalRocket »

I've been bouncing this idea for an otome game for years and I've come to find that it evolves every year. I would like some critiques as to where it can go and have already written outlines for each character. I'll admit the MC is a bit bland and standard blank canvas and I'm attempting to add more dimension to help the character arcs.

After playing Mystic Messenger, again, I'll admit that my idea I've been mulling was of a similar circumstance of which a party is hosted, however, the foundations of this party is based on a contract made between the MC and potential suitors. So please bear with me with this, this is not an intention of plagiarising an existing game, but I hope to find another way of meeting these characters by circumstance.


Working Title: The Contract

SYNOPSIS:
After becoming redundant from her stable job, our protagonist finds herself unemployed. Job searching has taken a toll and the bills continue to pile up. She goes so far to have a meeting with a lecherous manager to hire her before she is miraculously rescued from the situation by a gentleman in a dark suit. Since this chance meeting, our protagonist finds herself in a position to take the role of personal assistant to a small non-for-profit group run by six wealthy suitors. Little does she know that within this group, magic happens, literally.


I have written small descriptions of each of the suitors as well and written their outlines too, but not sure if it's worth putting the outlines as of yet. The suitors are:

Gregory Royle > The Incarnate of Merlin
Emotionless, Direct, Political Interpreter
Themes: Political intrigue, revenge versus forgiveness, lack of understanding, "Beauty and the Beast"
Gregory is a serious and cold man in the house. He is obsessed in taking revenge against his father and family for abandoning him when he needed them most.

Lewis Milton > The Incarnate of Virgil
Romantic, Caring, Writer
Themes: Loneliness, Companionship, Man-child, Pansexual tones, broadening horizons, "Coming of Age"
Lewis is romantic but acts like a child. He is the embodiment of a soul who refuses to let go of his circumstances and move on with a new chapter in his life.

Stuart Bosch > The Incarnate of Faust
Stoic, Passionate, Research Assistant / Chemist
Themes: Starting anew, Acceptance, ideas of death and moving on, A man warped by his love and views
Stuart is very deadpan. But he is overprotective over life to the point that he morphs and warps life to stay with him and avoid death.

Leon Young and Noelle Young > Incarnates of Rasputin
Playful, Mischievous, students at Art School (music and film)
Themes: Saving face versus opening up, Individualism, moving on, forgiving one self, trust, "Media frenzy", within the media eye
Leon and Noelle are two peas in a pod. They joke, they play, they get into little petty arguments.
Leon reveals himself as more of a brash version of the two. But he reveals himself to be gentle and calm when surrounded by his music. Leon is haunted by his mother's death and protects Noelle from their father when really he blames himself for everything.
Noelle reveals herself as a woman and is the more empathetic of the two. She holds secrets and hides them by being the level-headed one in the duo. Noelle poses as a man to protect her from the public.

Matthew Forester > The Incarnate of Nostradamus
Romantic, Protective, therapist
Themes: Foreseeing the future, Thriller, involving the underworld, religious facets versus the cosmos, question faith, originally saw MC in his dreams
Matthew is a gentleman and respects every life he meets. He is old-fashioned and acts older than he is due to his upbringing. He becomes involved with the Mafia when his brother causes more trouble despite their upbringing and tutelage.


There is also a secret character as well, but I will withhold that until the foundations are set and ready to go. So what do you think so far? Too much? Too heavy-handed? Not enough? Happy to hear!

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#2 Post by Mammon »

I wonder whether you have an outline/good idea of the events that happen in the story as well. I always find character outlines to be rather useless, I'd much rather let them be molded by the story rather than the other way around. Unlike the character, who's unlikely to make you hit a writer's block, not knowing how to advance the story is a much more common cause of the project failing.

Do you have a good idea what will happen after the events that you described here, what sub-story each character has and what the common route will be that allows the player to choose between the routes? I bet you have an end scene or romantic/dramatic finale for each character already in your head, but getting there and making a story that can actually support the ending may be fuzzy to you now.

This is not meant as critique, rather than asking you if you already thought of it and urging you to do if you haven't. The next point however is a bit of critique.

The character descriptions, they seem a bit off. The first thing I wondered is whether people will know who the character is an incarnation of. Will there be an expositional tour where the gentleman in the black suit will just outright say, 'This is Gregory, he's the incarnation of Merlin', or some other way to tell this to the audience? If not, I don't think the reader will make the connection between the character and the historical figure, and that the incarnation thing might be scrapped entirely (unless it's plotrelevant?)

The reason I think people will not make the connection, aside from the unlikeliness that people will have the required basic knowledge on the characters, is that my base knowledge of these people differs from the characters you described. The things I first think of with Rasputin are: Political intrigue, possible charlatan, imposing and controlling, raped a nun. With all the others too, I don't think of the characters as you.
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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#3 Post by PedalRocket »

Thanks for the feedback Mammon! I only started writing this idea down after building so much character history and background for years in my head. I've just not implemented them into a story format. The magic side of the story was the original intent of the story but I'm on the fence whether they are plot relevant or not at this stage after writing things up. I'll be able to put something up that would clear up the story a bit more.

The outlines I have for each character is basically their sub-story route once chosen and are currently in their first draft, but you are right that I haven't fleshed out the common route as of yet before the route is decided on. Am currently working on that right now as we speak to set the tone and hopefully play around with it. Once I'm done with a first draft, more than happy to put it up here for further critiques :)

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#4 Post by PedalRocket »

All right this is a first draft of the common route in a way just to set the story. Critiques welcome of course!

OUTLINE - COMMON ROUTE
MC finds herself in a well-lit restaurant with an older middle-aged man who attempts to woo her during their dinner. She feels uncomfortable as the original purpose of the dinner was a job interview with the manager. MC is desperate for another line of work after she was made redundant from her stable job not too long ago. The manager makes advances on her and depending on her response, she either invites more advances, or a threat about her chances of getting another job. The manager takes her hand in his and offers her the job for being a good girl. The moment is interrupted when a gentleman in a dark suit approaches the table and asks the manager to politely step away from her. The manager takes offence to this and tells the gentleman to leave before a clumsy waiter spills wine all over the manager. Taken by surprise, the gentleman takes MC away from the table and exits the restaurant with her.

The gentleman asks MC if she is okay and if the manager has done anything to her, of which she is able to respond. The gentleman then introduces himself as Matthew and admits that when he saw her he could see how uncomfortable she was. He then asks about her situation after hearing from the manager that she was looking for work and finds it appalling how the manager handled his 'interview'. Matthew offers to walk MC home, of which she is able to accept or decline. Matthew then wonders about MC's job prospects and mentions that he knows of a personal assistant position available with his non-for-profit group, as there previous personal assistant was not the 'right fit'. Matthew hands MC his contact number should she be interested in pursuing and lets her know that she is able to think this over if she wants.

MC is able to make the decision to call Matthew or refuse the next morning. Pursuing his offer will allow the MC to speak to Matthew over the phone and arrange a job interview at their 'headquarters'. MC is an address and is advised by Matthew to visit today as the entire group is together for the interview. MC heads to the address and finds herself at a large estate that holds a manor on the premises. Matthew greets the MC and introduces her inside to meet the rest of the group for the interview. Here the MC finds three other gentlemen - Gregory, Lewis, and Stuart. They introduce each other and move on with the interview, each of them asking a question of which MC answers. Matthew reiterates the position as personal assistant as they are a non-for-profit that requires an extra set of hands to help manage the running of events. After meeting with the four gentlemen, MC is offered the job position should she choose to do so, however, a Contract is to be signed to make it binding. Lewis hands a parchment and a fountain pen for the MC to sign and is advised of the conditions on the Contract, including residence in the manor with the group. Should MC sign the Contract, the pen glows as does the ink that flows from it, leaving a permanent mark on the Contract and a mark on the palm of her right hand. Lewis shakes her hand and welcomes her into the fold. He warns that she may feel woozy from the signing and that it will pass soon. MC faints from the signing.

MC wakes to find herself in bed with a slight throbbing headache. She looks at her hand to find a symbol emblazoned on it and is soon met with a two new faces staring at her. The two new faces introduce themselves as Leon and Noelle, the both of them returning from Art Academy to find MC sleeping in one of their beds. Leon is a bit disappointed that they weren't able to be a part of the interview process, however, Noelle greets MC into the group. MC learns that she has only been out for a few hours and is advised that they are in the middle of arranging the end-of-term party that the previous PA was not able to perform to their standards. The twins also learn that the rest of the group had given the responsibility to them to advise MC of the nature of their situation. From this, the MC learns from the twins that they are a special kind of people. Gregory and Lewis never go outside and Stuart is usually leaving the manor on calls. They explained they have to leave due to schooling responsibilities and only Matthew is the only one who feels comfortable leaving the manor. They explain that she is forever bound to the Contract she signed as a written promise that she will be able to fulfil the needs of the group. The symbol on her palm is the physical proof.

The bottom line they explain is that they are magically-inclined. And they mean it. They advise that she should stay overnight due to the effects of the signing just to be safe. They advise that MC is able to make herself at home and that she has a room to herself in the manor already made for her.

During the night, MC is able to speak to any of the gentlemen in the premises and learn more about themselves as well as what is required for the work needed. From here, MC is able to direct which route to take and choose which of the suitors she will be able to choose her sub-story.

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#5 Post by Mammon »

Interesting beginning, well written out for a summary too.

The first point I'd like to address are the choices, which seem to be 'obvious right and dead end routes' with maybe the exception of the first one. MC flirting or being headstrong could be a stat-up for a personality trait, after all. The rest, refusing Matthew's offer to walk her home etc. on the other hand, they seem like obvious routes where you'll have to pick it to advance. I've seen plenty of stories with those choices, an obvious bad choice just to give the audience a choice, and rarely do people appreciate getting a choice just so that they have a choice. Unless that other route goes on for a while and actually has their own reasonably satisfying ending, so a scene or two before the end, it usually doesn't contribute. Leaving it out completely might actually be the better choice, unless you can give that acceptable ending (in which case those choices actually do become a big plus).

The second thing I wonder about is if there's anything between the second-last and last paragraph. If not, and this story briefly introduces everyone before giving you a literal choice of 'which route do you want to follow?' that's fine. I've seen stories like that work, simplicity is certainly no vice in indie VNs when done well. Just checking if that's the case, or if there's some events that decide upon the romance route/some more choices along the way that do.

Third and last point, will there be some pre-plot scenes to define the MC before she'll call Matthew? Right now, the restaurant scene with the old man is the only real moment that she can define her real life, and that's all through inner monologue most likely. I can understand if there's not, in the event that MC is faceless and blank for reader-relatability, but if there is then the morning after might be a good point to add some character-enhancing scenes before being thrown into a supernatural story.

Anyway, a good outline. I do think that this will make a good story and you do seem to have a good handle on chronological storytelling thinking. Not too much and splitting routes, which can be any new developer's downfall very easily. I'm looking forward to playing it once you finish!
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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#6 Post by PedalRocket »

Thanks again Mammon! I'll be re-working the outline for the common and sub-story routes to grab a better understanding on how everything will unfold. This is fantastic feedback and really to be honest this is my first time writing for an otome VN.

Just a quick question though (if anyone is able to help), with any further critiques should I be posting in the Ideas section? Or is it fine to continue posting in this thread? Am fairly new and just a little confused and concerned if I post in the wrong place.

Otherwise, it'll be a long while before development on this idea. I'm still ironing out kinks in the story-telling...

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#7 Post by Zelan »

The Ideas thread is probably the best fit for the thread since you're asking about one story in particular. (No worries though, you're new and your topic was mostly about writing, so it's absolutely understandable that you posted it here. c:)

If there's a particular part of the story that you find yourself stuck on, though, and you want a specific writing question answered, it'd probably be best to bring it to this board. Otherwise, people might not see your question if you post it in the Ideas thread and they have no interest in playing your game.

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#8 Post by PedalRocket »

Thanks Zelan! :) I had a look in the Ideas section and will put up a progress report there. Cheers!

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#9 Post by Horma »

Hi, I've been thinking about what to say in addition to what others have said. I can't really think of anything that substantial, but I'd suggest you to design some of the guys in an unconventional way. Don't be afraid to give them and the main character unattractive traits, both physically and mentally. Also make some of their flaws relevant to the overarching storyline and make everyone an agent that moves the plot forward in their own way.

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Re: Outlines for otome idea - Critiques Welcome!

#10 Post by Jordgubben »

PedalRocket wrote:All right this is a first draft of the common route in a way just to set the story. Critiques welcome of course!

OUTLINE - COMMON ROUTE
MC finds herself in a well-lit restaurant with an older middle-aged man who attempts to woo her during their dinner. She feels uncomfortable as the original purpose of the dinner was a job interview with the manager. MC is desperate for another line of work after she was made redundant from her stable job not too long ago. The manager makes advances on her and depending on her response, she either invites more advances, or a threat about her chances of getting another job. The manager takes her hand in his and offers her the job for being a good girl. The moment is interrupted when a gentleman in a dark suit approaches the table and asks the manager to politely step away from her. The manager takes offence to this and tells the gentleman to leave before a clumsy waiter spills wine all over the manager. Taken by surprise, the gentleman takes MC away from the table and exits the restaurant with her.

...

During the night, MC is able to speak to any of the gentlemen in the premises and learn more about themselves as well as what is required for the work needed. From here, MC is able to direct which route to take and choose which of the suitors she will be able to choose her sub-story.
This storyline works well as an introduction. There is a good amount of opportunity to introduce all your cast just enough to for the player to make an informed choice on who to pursue.

I do have one (1) observation for you: Your protagonist is not doing very much.

She has a lot of choices, but they are all reactions. Most of the time she is only offered to accept or decline suggestions from different men. Perhaps this is your intent as an author, setting her up for the beginning of an arc of personal growth. If not, then you may want to tweak some more active options into your story (without really changing the major story beats, as they already work).

Just an example: Instead of a waiter spilling the wine I'd like the option to refuse one of the managers advances by shouting "Keep your filthy hands of me, you creep". The manager is so shocked by this that he pills the wine over himself. The MC then storms out of the restaurant, furious by the managers degrading treatment. Matthew, who overheard the whole situation, follows her out and they meet up outside the restaurant. Since they are both headed the same direction (and since it's raining*) he offers to share his umbrella (or a cab, depending on setting). The plot then continues as you describe it.

That said, I'm a big of the whole historical figures and legends reincarnated thing. I wish you the best of luck with this story.

(*I just assume it's pouring down outside since the MC is down on he luck. Weather in fiction has a tendency to behave like that.)

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