1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

Questions, skill improvement, and respectful critique involving game writing.
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resettozero
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1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

#1 Post by resettozero »

Good day everyone this is my first time using LS Forums I just want you guys to read this "Draft" for my 1st Renpy project I am planning to make a short story but I will be dividing it unto small chapters because I am planning to make it have at least 4-5 endings and with that here's my first chapter ----

Hatsukoi?! / First Love?!

Genre: Comedy,School life,Romance,Shoujo Ai,Gender bender
Chapter 1: First Love

Memories? I don’t need it Just let me sleep for eternity at this rate, it's all right if morning doesn't come.

Why do people fall in love ... I Want to know... The Secrets of love...

Since we were little I have already have an attachment to her but I never thought that this feeling would grow on a different level. Yes my childhood friend Tenshi was my best friend, Sister, and First Love. Since Kindergarten we are likely to have the same Bag and Accessories even hairstyles and because she was born a month earlier than me I always call her big sister and she has nothing against it and I think that she finds it cute. And now before the start of the High school we decided to buy our new set of bags and accessories not knowing that Tenshi has something to tell me at that time. Suddenly she then changes the subject I was kind of afraid because of that and I could read trough her eyes that she was hiding something from me and I was scared. Tenshi never knew about the feelings that I have always kept that started on elementary school and at that time I was thinking about her having a boyfriend and leaving me all alone. Yes I was that kind of selfish when it comes to her but will my feelings even reach her and other than that we are both girls will she not be angry and thus forget about me. The graduation day comes and on that day we really did have a long chit chat. Planning on telling my feelings for her on that day she finally opened the subject that was supposed to be tackled on the day we bought our things.


Tenshi: I...I need to tell you something Kai and It’s about school...
Kai: Yes Big sister what about school?
Tenshi: Well you see I have been granted a scholarship program on Tokyo and I think we will be separated this time.

I was really shocked about her announcement but it was only natural for her to have that kind of opportunity Tenshi is a perfect girl no one can match her on academics and even on physical activities yes she was the pride of our school not to mention she was elected president since elementary to Middle school. I did not show any weakness at that time and told her that I was really happy for her and just asked about the details on when she will be taking her leave.

Advice & Comments are highly appreciated THANK YOU!!!

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runeraccoon
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Re: 1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

#2 Post by runeraccoon »

First of all, thanks for sharing your chapter(s) here~ I think asking for advises is always a good thing.

Your writings have several peculiarities. The best way is to get an editor, but if you want to improve on your own, here's some basic points:
  • You put capitals when they're not supposed to.
    I Want to know... The Secrets of love...
    [...]Sister, and First Love.
  • You haven't put commas when they're due.
    Yes Big sister what about school?
    Well you see I have been granted a [...]
  • You have a run on sentences.

The sticky post in this subforum has a lot of resources and good advice on writing, you should check them out. I suggest to do it after finishing all of your first draft, though, up til the end of your story.

Good luck. :)

Yolo400
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Re: 1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

#3 Post by Yolo400 »

resettozero wrote: Sun Jul 30, 2017 4:26 am Good day everyone this is my first time using LS Forums I just want you guys to read this "Draft" for my 1st Renpy project I am planning to make a short story but I will be dividing it unto small chapters because I am planning to make it have at least 4-5 endings and with that here's my first chapter ----

Hatsukoi?! / First Love?!

Genre: Comedy,School life,Romance,Shoujo Ai,Gender bender
Chapter 1: First Love

Memories? I don’t need it Just let me sleep for eternity at this rate, it's all right if morning doesn't come.

Why do people fall in love ... I Want to know... The Secrets of love...

Since we were little I have already have an attachment to her but I never thought that this feeling would grow on a different level. Yes my childhood friend Tenshi was my best friend, Sister, and First Love. Since Kindergarten we are likely to have the same Bag and Accessories even hairstyles and because she was born a month earlier than me I always call her big sister and she has nothing against it and I think that she finds it cute. And now before the start of the High school we decided to buy our new set of bags and accessories not knowing that Tenshi has something to tell me at that time. Suddenly she then changes the subject I was kind of afraid because of that and I could read trough her eyes that she was hiding something from me and I was scared. Tenshi never knew about the feelings that I have always kept that started on elementary school and at that time I was thinking about her having a boyfriend and leaving me all alone. Yes I was that kind of selfish when it comes to her but will my feelings even reach her and other than that we are both girls will she not be angry and thus forget about me. The graduation day comes and on that day we really did have a long chit chat. Planning on telling my feelings for her on that day she finally opened the subject that was supposed to be tackled on the day we bought our things.


Tenshi: I...I need to tell you something Kai and It’s about school...
Kai: Yes Big sister what about school?
Tenshi: Well you see I have been granted a scholarship program on Tokyo and I think we will be separated this time.

I was really shocked about her announcement but it was only natural for her to have that kind of opportunity Tenshi is a perfect girl no one can match her on academics and even on physical activities yes she was the pride of our school not to mention she was elected president since elementary to Middle school. I did not show any weakness at that time and told her that I was really happy for her and just asked about the details on when she will be taking her leave.

Advice & Comments are highly appreciated THANK YOU!!!
Modified Edit
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

I already had some small attachment to her since we were little... I had never believed that this feeling could ever grow to an entirely different level... My childhood friend Tenshi was my best friend, my sister, and my first love. Since kindergarten we were likely to have the same bag, the same accessories and even the same hairstyles! Because she was born a month earlier than me I always called her big sister and she never had anything against it at all (to my surprise)! I think that she found it cute. We had always been together.

Before the start of high school, we decided to buy our new set of bags and accessories, the usual affair. It came as a surprise when Tenshi said she had something to tell me. She had suddenly changed the subject, I was afraid because her eyes told the truth, that she was hiding something from me. As far as I knew, Tenshi never knew about the feelings that I had always kept that started during elementary school, and I feared at that moment, that she had a boyfriend and would leave me all alone. Yes. I was so selfish when it came to her because I was scared that my feelings might never reach her. We are both girls, will she not be angry and thus forget about me? The graduation day came and upon that day we had a very long talk.

I was planning to tell her my feelings on that day, but,

Tenshi: I-I need to tell you something, Kai, and It’s about school...
Kai: Yes, big sister? What about school?
Tenshi: Well... you see.. Tenshi took a deep breath I have been granted a scholarship program in Tokyo and I want to do it. She paused as if allowing me time to collect my thoughts I think we might be separated, this time.

I was shocked. This wasn't what I expected to talk about, yet it was only natural for her to have that kind of opportunity. Tenshi is the perfect girl. No one can match her on academics and sports. She was the pride of our school, not to mention she was elected president at every opportunity since elementary to middle school. Why couldn't she see it? How I felt? I saw her face as she talked about the details of her scholarship as I nodded along and enquired further. I was lying to myself, I wasn't strong. I was weak. I couldn't say what I needed to say. I just couldn't break that smile... I just wanted to put her at ease...

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Well it's a small edit with some changes here and there. I don't think I've fixed every glaring issue and have probably created as many as fixed.

Of course, without knowing the finish line it's difficult to direct the A > B.
Working on project "Lightning Cat" - Writing
music for sale
|| Thank you ||

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resettozero
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Re: 1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

#4 Post by resettozero »

Thank you so much for the replies will be keeping all the advice in mind

Yolo400
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Re: 1st VN project needs encouragement and corrections

#5 Post by Yolo400 »

Well my post wasn't really advice, just what I'd edit- my actual advice is more "Go ahead and write the darn game, then go and make the darn game!"
Working on project "Lightning Cat" - Writing
music for sale
|| Thank you ||

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