I've been wanting to share my stories for a while now. I've been trying different mediums, I even studied cinema and all, and recently got into drawing.
Problem is, I'm not really an expert on any of those subjects, so I would like to get some feedback before making more chapters of my story, so if I have to change something on my way of writing, I can do it now and not re-write it later.
So, what I would llike from you guys is mostly, to read my little intro and first chapter, and tell me if my writing gets in the way of the storytelling (ie: you get disctracted by errors, by the way I phrase the texts, etc) or if it is even good to begin with. Second I would like to know if the story and the way it's presented hooks you in and lets you wanting to know more. And third, if this were already a full work, would you keep reading after this first chapter?
Note: the character marked as "__" is a label for narration. Also some things like sound effect texts will be added later so there might be some missing.
Thank you so much for your time, I know it is something precious and I appreciate it.
That said, here's the intro:
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Man:(How many years have passed? 30? Maybe more.) Man:(A life dedicated to revenge, coming to an end.) Man:(In front of me in this dark night, the monster I swore to kill just walks in the rain.) Man:(Unforgivable. The people she killed can't enjoy a walk in the rain anymore, so neither should she.) Man:(One way or another, this ends tonight. If I die at the hands of the monster that killed my parents, at least I will join them in heaven with pride.) Man:(One way or another, a soul will be claimed. This is my chance.) __:The man sprints along the stone street covered by the dark of the night, his boots splashing water puddles as he cuts through the rain. __:The hat protects his eyes from the rain, allowing him to focus on his target. __:His long, wet trenchcoat waves behind him, dragging him back but not slowing him down. __:On his hands, sharp silver daggers reflecting the moonlight aim directly at the monster. __:A little girl standing in the middle of the street slowly turning around. Little girl:"Who's this?" __:Barely moving, the girl dodges the dagger directed to her heart. Man:"I'll kill you! You fucking bitch!" __:The other dagger flies towards her face, but she grafecully dodges it without any effort. Little girl:"Nonsense." __:The girl's face remains calm as she grabs the man by the wrist and pulls, dislocating his shoulder. Man:"Aaagh! You fucker! I'm going to make you pay!" __:The man shouts as one dagger drops to the mud. His dislocated shoulder leaves his whole arm unusable. Man:(What is this? I've spent years killing monsters, but I can't even hit her!) __:His face is filled with hatred and pain. Tears mix with the rain below his chin. Little girl:"You better stop, or you will suffer." __:Her soft voice resonates with the rain. No one else is in the streets, only their silhouettes are seen outside. Man:"I won't stop until I kill you!" __:They dance on the moonlight, the man trying to cut through her while she dodges every single hit. Man:(That's right, I can't stop, not now that I'm so close. I'd rather die than give up.) Little girl:"Alright, that's enough." __:She disappears from his sight. In an instant she is standing on his back, grabbing his other arm. __:Pulling, the shoulder snaps with a loud crack. Man:"AAAAAH! Fucking hell!" __:His knees give in and he kneels on a puddle of water and mud. The little girl hops down from his back and stares at him. __:Her pale skin covered by her dark hair stands out as they stay face to face. Little girl:"It's over. Or do you plan to bite me?" Man:(Is this what it has come to? All these years preparing myself for this moment, for it to end like this?) Man:(Then, so be it!) __:He remains quiet, clenching his teeth before recovering his anger with a loud howling scream. Man:"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" __:His face lifts followed by the rest of his body. Charging his blow, he curves his back and launches himself forward, smashing his forehead against hers. __:*SLAM* __:She doesn't move a bit, stopping his head with hers. Man:(Hitting her felt like hitting a wall. It's no use.) __:Their foreheads still pressing, they stare into each other's eyes for a while . __:Her eyes, a deep blue. His, a vivid green. Man:"Even if it's the last thing I do, I will kill you." Little girl:"You must hate me a lot to go through so much trouble." __:Gently, she grabs him by his throat and lifts him as far as her small arms allow her. Man:(This is fine. When I started this life, I already knew it could only end two different ways.) Little girl:"Sadly, I don't remember who you are." __:She tosses him aside effortlessly, crashing him through some wooden barrels. Man:(I can die in peace. I gave my best. If it ends like this, it just means I wasn't strong enough to kill a true monster.) Man:(Wait for me, Mom, Dad. I'm coming. I made you wait quite a bit, but finally I will be going with you.) __:Now covered from the rain by the porch of a building, the man's body remains flat on the ground with his eyes closed. __:She slowly walks towards him, stepping between the wooden planks from the broken barrels. __:Seeing his state, she closes her eyes and sighs. Then, she notices something on the floor. Little girl:"A book...?" __:Next to his head, a seemingly old book with no cover gets the girls attention. She grabs it and with curious eyes, opens it. Little girl:"This book... it can't be..."
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Bob:(Today Mom gave me a book to practice my writing.) Bob:(Since we don't have much money, I can't go to school like the other kids. Instead, they teach me everything they can themselves.) Bob:(A few days ago, this girl started coming at night, and now she is learning with me.) __:A shadow creeps outside the window of an old farmhouse. Bob:"...Are you hungry? Do you want to come in and eat something?" __:A little girl gets startled by the sudden voice on her back. Bob:"I saw you peek inside, you must be cold and hungry, right?" __:The girl, surprised by the boy, turns around to face him. __:He is smiling, even when his body is filled with bruises. Little girl:"..." Bob:"Don't worry, come in! My parents always wanted to have a daughter, so I bet they won't mind sharing some dinner with you!" Bob:(She was all alone. The wind was cold and the night dark, I couldn't leave her like that.) Bob:"Mom, I found this girl outside, I think she is hungry... do you mind if she has dinner with us?" __:The little girl slowly follows Bob inside, looking around the building like a curious cat. __:Her cold, dirty blue dress doesn't fit with the warm colors in the house. Bob:"Come, I will present my parents to you, they are very nice! My dad is a hunter, so we live from what he hunts in the forest." Mom:"What's that? A girl?" __:A middle aged woman walks in the hallway, her cheap clothes covered by food stains. Mom:"Oh my, what is this, did you make a new friend on the way home, Bob?" Mom:"And what happened to you? Did those kids beat you again?" Bob:"It's nothing! If I hadn't fight with them I wouldn't have come late and I wouldn't have meet her! Can she have dinner with us? Pretty please?" __:The girl stays in place like a statue, just switching her eyes between them. Mom:"Come on in then! Don't be shy! It's great to hear Bob made a new friend. Since he doesn't go to school, all the other kids are very mean to him." Mom:"But you seem very nice." __:The little girl looks down, silent. Mom:"Well, don't worry. Dad should be home soon so we can have some dinner together, I will make extra for you, honey." Mom:"But first lets get those wounds healed, Bob." Bob:(She didn't talk much at first. I even thought she was mute for a while.) __:Sitting in a round table, Bob's mom places warm food on the plates of both kids and adults. __:Hot steam fills the room as they begin to eat. Except for the girl. Dad:"Aren't you gonna eat? You don't have to worry, it's free!" __:The girl stares at the plate for a while, holding a knife and a fork on each hand. __:Finally she decides, cutting through the meat and taking a bite. __:*Bleeergh!* __:She covers her mouth with both hands. On the floor a pool of puke forms, covering the slice of meat she had eaten. Bob:"A-Are you okay? Was it too hot or something?" Mom:"Oh dear! Are you alright, honey?" __:Her hands shaking, she gets up from the table and runs towards the hallway, leaving the house. Bob:"Hey, wait! Where are you going?!" Dad:"Well well, it seems somebody doesn't like your recipe, hehe." Mom:"Or maybe that meat was rotten... Jesus, poor girl. She was so embarrassed." Bob:(She never told, but I know she doesn't have a family.) Bob:"Ah, creepy girl, you came again!" __:A cheerful Bob smiles at the girl, that always remains serious. __:She is creeping at the inside of the house from the side of a tree. Bob:"What are you doing, are you spying on us or something? Come on in, don't be shy!" __:She doesn't move from the tree, almost hugging it with her hands. Bob:"...You don't have a family, do you? I've seen other kids roaming around like you. Though you are the only one I've seen twice." __:She hugs tigther the tree, looking down. Bob:"Well, you don't have to come if you don't want, but you are always welcome, okay? You can think of us as your family. Just don't be sad!" __:He runs towards the main door, looking back and almost tripping on his feet. Bob:"And sorry about the food of the other day! It was terrible, wasn't it?! Hahaha!" Bob:(Everynight, she would come to our house, and just stand around, doing nothing. Only watching. Like a doll.) __:*Knock knock!* __:The main door opens, and at the other side, a silent girl looks back with doubtful eyes. Mom:"Oh! Bob, it's your friend!" __:Loud steps shake the dust from the floor as Bob runs to the main entrance. Bob:"Ooooh, creepy girl! Want to come in? We can play with my toys or something, what do you say?" __:She nods, looking down. For a second, her mouth widens, forming a gentle smile. Bob:"Great!" __:The girl is taken by surprise as Bob grabs her hands in a frenzy and drags her inside, all the way upstairs to his room. __:A bit blushed, the girl stands in the middle of his room. Bob:"Oh, now that I think about it, I never really presented myself properly! I'm Bob, nice to meet you, let's be friends, alright?" Bob:(I think she is cute. She's very shy and quiet, but I like her. She seems very kind and gentle.) Bob:(Her name is...) Little girl:"...Lisa" Bob:"OOHHH..!!" __:Lisa looks at him, confused. Lisa:"W-What...?" Bob:"You can talk! I thought you were mute. You have a cute voice, and a cool name!" __:Smiling, he grabs her by her shoulders and hugs her tight, making her blush deeply. Lisa:"W-What are you doing..?" Bob:"Let's be friends forever, okay?" __:Lisa is held in his arms, her eyes opening up a bit from the proposal. Lisa:"...Okay." Bob:(We've been friends for so long now, that I can't imagine spending a night without her.) Lisa:"Are you sure? That book is yours, I don't want you to waste it on me." __:Bob holds two books on his hands. Both are the same, green without any kind of text or drawings on the cover, completely blank. Bob:"I told you, we are learning together, so you need a book to practice too!" Lisa:"Fine, thanks." __:Her soft voice makes Bob smile proud. Bob:"See? They are the same, isn't that cool?" Lisa:"...Yes." __:She smiles. Bob:(I don't know where she lives during the day, but at night she would be always with me.) Bob:*Yaaawn* Lisa:"...Are you tired?" Bob:"No! I'm fine." __:Sitting on his bed, both of them are resting on each other's shoulders. Lisa:"I'm sorry, I always come so late at night, I don't let you sleep." Bob:"It's fine, I told you! It's a nice excuse to stay up late! Sleeping is for the weak, anyways." Lisa:"I should go, you need to rest." __:She tries to stand, but something drags her back to the bed. Lisa:"...?" __:A sleepy Bob rests his head on her shoulder, anchoring his arms around hers. Lisa:"*sigh* I guess I can stay for a little longer." Bob:(Usually I fall asleep by her side, and when I wake up she's gone. I always think to myself: 'Was it a dream?') Bob:(Thanks to her, I don't even care anymore about the kids picking on me.) Lisa:"What happened?" __:Full of bruises, Bob smiles at her like it's nothing. Bob:"Just a little fight with some kids, don't worry. I'm fine." Lisa:"Why did you fight?" Bob:"I guess... they don't like that I don't have to go to school everyday like them, haha! Poor idiots!" __:Lisa's hand slowly reaches for one of the bruises on his face. Her worried look surprises Bob. Lisa:"Do those kids cause you trouble? Who are them?" __:Flattered, he smiles and lets out a loud laugh. Bob:"Hahahaha! You don't have to worry, for real! I can beat them anyday. I'm a man, so It's only right, I have to stand my ground!" Bob:(I haven't seen those kids for a long time now that I think of it. Probably just didn't cross them on the street.) Lisa:"Your dad is a hunter, so he kills animals to survive, right...?" __:Sitting outside on the grass, they look way up to the full moon. Bob:"Huh...? Yeay, why?" Lisa:"Do you want to be a hunter too, when you grow up?" __:Bob smiles cheerful and shakes his head no. Bob:"No. I went with him to hunt some times but, I just can't stand killing animals. So instead I will be a farmer, like my mom! I will be the animal's friend, not their hunter!" __:She looks down, a gentle smile shines on her face. Lisa:"I see. That's... cute." __:Bob blushes, getting caught offguard. Bob:"What about you? What do you want to do when you grow up?" Lisa:"I...?" __:She stares at the moon again, thoughtful. Lisa:"When I grow up... I want to be by your side." Bob:(She's way smarter than me, but she helps me so I don't fall behind.) Lisa:"It's Lisa, with a single 's'" Bob:"Huh...? H-Hey, what are you doing, don't read my diary!" __:Blushing, Bob closes his book after Lisa took a peek at it. __:She smiles gently, while Bob recovers from the surprise. Bob:"I'll... I'll correct it later, thanks." Lisa:"You're welcome." Bob:"Can I... Can I read your diary? To check for mistakes, too..." Lisa:"Absolutely not." __:Lisa hugs her book tight on her chest, squeezing it. Bob:"Heh, that's what I thought." Bob:(She is very reserved, she doesn't even want to eat with us, probably because she doesn't want to be a bother.) Mom:"Are you sure you don't want something to eat? We may not have a lot of money, but we can afford to feed you, so you don't have to worry!" Lisa:"It's alright, I already ate before coming here, so I'm full." Bob:(So she stares at us having dinner while her stomach growls.) Bob:(Still, she doesn't seem sad. She seems to enjoy it, even if it's just being with us.) Bob:(My mom and dad like her, too. Since I don't have any friends, they are glad that she's around so much. And so am I.) Mom:"You can stay for the day too if you want, you know? You don't have to only come at night, you're not a bother." Dad:"Haha, yeah. And since Bob doesn't go to school, you two could play together or practice writing with mom. He's so bored." Mom:"All day long he talks about you, you know?" __:Blushing, Bob steps between Lisa and his parents. Bob:"Tssh! That's enough, mom!" __:Behind him, he thought he heard an angel laugh. Lisa:"Hahaha!" __:Shocked, Bob turns around to see a laughing Lisa. Lisa:"It's fine. Sorry but I can only come at night, I have things to do during the day." __:Happy, Bob joins her in her laugh, smiling. Bob:(They got so used to her, that she became almost like a daughter for my parents.) Mom:"Are you sure you have to go? It's still dark outside! And there have been so many murders lately... I don't feel good letting you go like that." Dad:"I feel the same way, why don't I go with you? Wherever you go, I bet it's not that far." Lisa:"Thanks for caring so much about me, but you don't need to worry. The sun's about to rise, so it will be day in no time. I'll be fine." __:Standing in front of her, a worried Bob stares at her eyes before hugging her. Bob:"Just... be careful, alright? I want to see you tonight again." __:Lisa smiles, hugging him back. Lisa:"I'll be here as always." Bob:(I don't know where she came from or where she is going, but I know one thing. I want to make her happy.) Bob:"Here, I made you this!" Lisa:"What? For me...?" __:Hanging from Bob's hands, a somewhat disjointed brown teddybear looks at Lisa with black, shiny marble eyes. Bob:"My mom taught me how to do it, and only during the day so it would be a surprise! Did you have any idea? Did you?" __:Lisa slowly reaches for the teddybear and hugs it, smiling while she enjoys its touch. Lisa:"No, I had no idea. Thank you so much." Bob:(She is weird, not like any other girls I have seen, but I think that makes her special.) Lisa:"You're bleeding." __:Bob lifts his red finger while rubbing his hair with his other hand. Bob:"This? Don't worry, I cut myself while making your teddybear. It's not deep but it won't stop bleeding, I'll ask my mom to heal it." __:Gently, she grabs him by his bleeding finger and sticks it in her mouth, licking it. __:Bob stares at her, blushed and shocked. Bob:"W-What are you doing?" Lisa:"I'm licking it. Do you think it's...disgusting...?" Bob:"W-What? N-No, no! It's just... Umh... It's fine, don't worry!" Bob:(She's not the kind of person that smiles a lot, but every now and then a kind expression would pop on her face.) Lisa:"I brought you this..." __:Her arms lift, presenting a golden pocket watch that shines in the dim light. Bob:"Woah, that's for us?" Mom:"Oh my, it wasn't necessary! It looks so expensive, where did you get it?" Lisa:"I...I found it in the floor on the street, so I... uh.. took it..." __:Bob joins his hand with hers, grabbing the watch from Lisa. __:She blushes, looking to the side. Bob:"I'm sorry Lisa, but we can't accept this gift." __:Lisa's gentle smile fades, confused. Lisa:"W-What...? Why not...?" __:Bob smiles, pressing a button on the watch and opening it. Inside, there's a photo of an old man with his two daughters. Bob:"See? This is Harry's watch, he's some old man from the city. He comes from time to time to vissit, he is very kind." Bob:"He probably dropped it by accident, so we will return it to him. Sorry, Lisa." Lisa:"Oh, I see..." __:Her head lowers as her long hair almost covers her whole face. Bob:(Today, she said it was going to be our last night together.) Bob:"What? Why? Why can't you come again?" __:An altered Bob asks, both of them standing in the open field outside. Lisa:"I... have to go, and I will never come back. I'm sorry. It was nice being with you, thank you so much, for real." __:She leans in and gives Bob a small kiss on his chin. __:His eyes open as tears start forming in them, going down his face. __:Before he can grab her, she turns around and starts running away. Bob:"W-Wait! You can stay here, with us! We can be a family, please!!!" Bob:"LISA!!!!" Bob:(For days now, there hasn't been a sign of her. The nights never seemed so long and quiet to me as now.) __:Sitting on his room at night, Bob peeks out the window looking at the forest around his farmhouse. __:From time to time, he would get quick glances of silhouettes moving between the trees. Bob:"L-Lisa?!" __:A deer comes out from the bushes, only to go back to the forest. Bob:"No, it's not... Will I ever see her again...? This is not fair..." __:And like that, Bob kept waiting for her, until one night... Mom:"Bob, it's Lisa!" __:Bob's laying on his bed upstairs while hugging his book. He gets up at the call of his mom, the word that resonates the most it's, of course... Bob:"Lisa?" __:In a hurry, he starts running downstairs, still holding his diary. __:*THUMP* Dad:"What's that, Lisa came back? That's-" __:*SLASH* __:*THUMP* __:Bob runs to the hallway, his naked feet sliding on the wet floor and making him fall. __:Confused by the landing, he rubs his head before focusing again on the red pool below him. Bob:"W-What's this...?" __:Next to him, the bleeding corpses of his mom and dad are laying down. __:Standing in the middle of the hallway, a blue dress is stained with red. __:Fingernails as sharp and pointy as blades. __:Bat-like wings coming out the back. __:An innocent face twisted with fangs and demonic eyes. __:Pale skin turned crimson. Bob:"L-Lisa?!" __:She remains quiet, her face completely red by the blood. Her stare with those black eyes scares him. __:Lisa takes a step forward, her foot leaving a red footprint on the wooden floor. Lisa:"Your dad was a hunter, Bob." __:Terrified, Bob crawls back until his body hits a wall. Bob:"W-What are you saying, what did you do? WHY DID YOU DO IT?!" __:Lisa closes her eyes. Lisa:"I'm sorry that I never told you, but... I am a hunter, too. I'm a vampire." Bob:"A vampire? What do you mean!?" Lisa:"He hunted animals, I hunt people. That's just how it is. I'm sorry." __:Stepping closer, she grabs him by the throat and easily lifts him in the air until his feet can't reach the ground. Bob:"N-No, please Lisa! I beg you!" __:He struggles, kicking with his legs and trying to free himself from her grip, but the air won't reach his brain. __:Soon enough, his eyes close and the struggle stops. __:Now, only silence and darkness. __:But it isn't over. __:Birds, people, even the sun. He can feel all of that. __:What got lost shines once again, the bright in his eyes as they slowly open. __:He sees the roof of his hallway. Funny enough, he had never looked at it before. __:His parents are laying by his side, completely still. __:Lisa is nowhere to be found, there's only a few bloody footprints that lead outside. __:His eyes are open wide as he sits on the stained floor, quiet. __:In front of him was all his life, now gone. At one side, was the one book he was going to fill with that life. His diary. __:With teary eyes, he grabs the book and opens it, placing it between his legs. __:Page after page, bloody fingerprints are left in the paper as he keeps reading each one of them. __:Not even half way through the book, there only remains blank pages. __:A whole life yet to live, but for what. __:With anger overcoming Bob's soul, he starts ripping off blank pages, tossing them aside. Bob:"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" __:A scream of pain and sadness that reaches no one. __:That's right, he was alone now. No shoulder to cry on, no one to help him. __:He was on his own. Bob:"W-What am I gonna do now, mom, dad...?" __:His soft voice trembles and breaks from crying. __:Remaining still for a moment, he cleans his tears with the back of his arm. __:All that pain and sorrow that he felt. All those years that he lived and had yet to be lived. __:Everything he was and could have been. Everything. __:It was all written in a single, lonely page. __:On that one diary that no one would ever see. __:Not with ink, but with blood. __:And it read like this. Bob:(My parents are dead. I'm all alone now. I thought I was alone before, since I had no friends.) Bob:(But I was so wrong, I had my parents. They loved me, and I loved them.) Bob:(Now I know what loneliness means. Now I know what real pain means.) Bob:(I WILL MAKE SURE TO SHOW HER THE MEANING OF THOSE WORDS.) __:...