I've been wanting to share my stories for a while now. I've been trying different mediums, I even studied cinema and all, and recently got into drawing.
Problem is, I'm not really an expert on any of those subjects, so I would like to get some feedback before making more chapters of my story, so if I have to change something on my way of writing, I can do it now and not re-write it later.
So, what I would llike from you guys is mostly, to read my little intro and first chapter, and tell me if my writing gets in the way of the storytelling (ie: you get disctracted by errors, by the way I phrase the texts, etc) or if it is even good to begin with. Second I would like to know if the story and the way it's presented hooks you in and lets you wanting to know more. And third, if this were already a full work, would you keep reading after this first chapter?
Note: the character marked as "__" is a label for narration. Also some things like sound effect texts will be added later so there might be some missing.
Thank you so much for your time, I know it is something precious and I appreciate it.
That said, here's the intro:
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Man:(How many years have passed? 30? Maybe more.)
Man:(A life dedicated to revenge, coming to an end.)
Man:(In front of me in this dark night, the monster I swore to kill just walks in the rain.)
Man:(Unforgivable. The people she killed can't enjoy a walk in the rain anymore, so neither should she.)
Man:(One way or another, this ends tonight. If I die at the hands of the monster that killed my parents, at least I will join them in heaven with pride.)
Man:(One way or another, a soul will be claimed. This is my chance.)
__:The man sprints along the stone street covered by the dark of the night, his boots splashing water puddles as he cuts through the rain.
__:The hat protects his eyes from the rain, allowing him to focus on his target.
__:His long, wet trenchcoat waves behind him, dragging him back but not slowing him down.
__:On his hands, sharp silver daggers reflecting the moonlight aim directly at the monster.
__:A little girl standing in the middle of the street slowly turning around.
Little girl:"Who's this?"
__:Barely moving, the girl dodges the dagger directed to her heart.
Man:"I'll kill you! You fucking bitch!"
__:The other dagger flies towards her face, but she grafecully dodges it without any effort.
Little girl:"Nonsense."
__:The girl's face remains calm as she grabs the man by the wrist and pulls, dislocating his shoulder.
Man:"Aaagh! You fucker! I'm going to make you pay!"
__:The man shouts as one dagger drops to the mud. His dislocated shoulder leaves his whole arm unusable.
Man:(What is this? I've spent years killing monsters, but I can't even hit her!)
__:His face is filled with hatred and pain. Tears mix with the rain below his chin.
Little girl:"You better stop, or you will suffer."
__:Her soft voice resonates with the rain. No one else is in the streets, only their silhouettes are seen outside.
Man:"I won't stop until I kill you!"
__:They dance on the moonlight, the man trying to cut through her while she dodges every single hit.
Man:(That's right, I can't stop, not now that I'm so close. I'd rather die than give up.)
Little girl:"Alright, that's enough."
__:She disappears from his sight. In an instant she is standing on his back, grabbing his other arm.
__:Pulling, the shoulder snaps with a loud crack.
Man:"AAAAAH! Fucking hell!"
__:His knees give in and he kneels on a puddle of water and mud. The little girl hops down from his back and stares at him.
__:Her pale skin covered by her dark hair stands out as they stay face to face.
Little girl:"It's over. Or do you plan to bite me?"
Man:(Is this what it has come to? All these years preparing myself for this moment, for it to end like this?)
Man:(Then, so be it!)
__:He remains quiet, clenching his teeth before recovering his anger with a loud howling scream.
Man:"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
__:His face lifts followed by the rest of his body. Charging his blow, he curves his back and launches himself forward, smashing his forehead against hers.
__:*SLAM*
__:She doesn't move a bit, stopping his head with hers.
Man:(Hitting her felt like hitting a wall. It's no use.)
__:Their foreheads still pressing, they stare into each other's eyes for a while .
__:Her eyes, a deep blue. His, a vivid green.
Man:"Even if it's the last thing I do, I will kill you."
Little girl:"You must hate me a lot to go through so much trouble."
__:Gently, she grabs him by his throat and lifts him as far as her small arms allow her.
Man:(This is fine. When I started this life, I already knew it could only end two different ways.)
Little girl:"Sadly, I don't remember who you are."
__:She tosses him aside effortlessly, crashing him through some wooden barrels.
Man:(I can die in peace. I gave my best. If it ends like this, it just means I wasn't strong enough to kill a true monster.)
Man:(Wait for me, Mom, Dad. I'm coming. I made you wait quite a bit, but finally I will be going with you.)
__:Now covered from the rain by the porch of a building, the man's body remains flat on the ground with his eyes closed.
__:She slowly walks towards him, stepping between the wooden planks from the broken barrels.
__:Seeing his state, she closes her eyes and sighs. Then, she notices something on the floor.
Little girl:"A book...?"
__:Next to his head, a seemingly old book with no cover gets the girls attention. She grabs it and with curious eyes, opens it.
Little girl:"This book... it can't be..."
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Bob:(Today Mom gave me a book to practice my writing.)
Bob:(Since we don't have much money, I can't go to school like the other kids. Instead, they teach me everything they can themselves.)
Bob:(A few days ago, this girl started coming at night, and now she is learning with me.)
__:A shadow creeps outside the window of an old farmhouse.
Bob:"...Are you hungry? Do you want to come in and eat something?"
__:A little girl gets startled by the sudden voice on her back.
Bob:"I saw you peek inside, you must be cold and hungry, right?"
__:The girl, surprised by the boy, turns around to face him.
__:He is smiling, even when his body is filled with bruises.
Little girl:"..."
Bob:"Don't worry, come in! My parents always wanted to have a daughter, so I bet they won't mind sharing some dinner with you!"
Bob:(She was all alone. The wind was cold and the night dark, I couldn't leave her like that.)
Bob:"Mom, I found this girl outside, I think she is hungry... do you mind if she has dinner with us?"
__:The little girl slowly follows Bob inside, looking around the building like a curious cat.
__:Her cold, dirty blue dress doesn't fit with the warm colors in the house.
Bob:"Come, I will present my parents to you, they are very nice! My dad is a hunter, so we live from what he hunts in the forest."
Mom:"What's that? A girl?"
__:A middle aged woman walks in the hallway, her cheap clothes covered by food stains.
Mom:"Oh my, what is this, did you make a new friend on the way home, Bob?"
Mom:"And what happened to you? Did those kids beat you again?"
Bob:"It's nothing! If I hadn't fight with them I wouldn't have come late and I wouldn't have meet her! Can she have dinner with us? Pretty please?"
__:The girl stays in place like a statue, just switching her eyes between them.
Mom:"Come on in then! Don't be shy! It's great to hear Bob made a new friend. Since he doesn't go to school, all the other kids are very mean to him."
Mom:"But you seem very nice."
__:The little girl looks down, silent.
Mom:"Well, don't worry. Dad should be home soon so we can have some dinner together, I will make extra for you, honey."
Mom:"But first lets get those wounds healed, Bob."
Bob:(She didn't talk much at first. I even thought she was mute for a while.)
__:Sitting in a round table, Bob's mom places warm food on the plates of both kids and adults.
__:Hot steam fills the room as they begin to eat. Except for the girl.
Dad:"Aren't you gonna eat? You don't have to worry, it's free!"
__:The girl stares at the plate for a while, holding a knife and a fork on each hand.
__:Finally she decides, cutting through the meat and taking a bite.
__:*Bleeergh!*
__:She covers her mouth with both hands. On the floor a pool of puke forms, covering the slice of meat she had eaten.
Bob:"A-Are you okay? Was it too hot or something?"
Mom:"Oh dear! Are you alright, honey?"
__:Her hands shaking, she gets up from the table and runs towards the hallway, leaving the house.
Bob:"Hey, wait! Where are you going?!"
Dad:"Well well, it seems somebody doesn't like your recipe, hehe."
Mom:"Or maybe that meat was rotten... Jesus, poor girl. She was so embarrassed."
Bob:(She never told, but I know she doesn't have a family.)
Bob:"Ah, creepy girl, you came again!"
__:A cheerful Bob smiles at the girl, that always remains serious.
__:She is creeping at the inside of the house from the side of a tree.
Bob:"What are you doing, are you spying on us or something? Come on in, don't be shy!"
__:She doesn't move from the tree, almost hugging it with her hands.
Bob:"...You don't have a family, do you? I've seen other kids roaming around like you. Though you are the only one I've seen twice."
__:She hugs tigther the tree, looking down.
Bob:"Well, you don't have to come if you don't want, but you are always welcome, okay? You can think of us as your family. Just don't be sad!"
__:He runs towards the main door, looking back and almost tripping on his feet.
Bob:"And sorry about the food of the other day! It was terrible, wasn't it?! Hahaha!"
Bob:(Everynight, she would come to our house, and just stand around, doing nothing. Only watching. Like a doll.)
__:*Knock knock!*
__:The main door opens, and at the other side, a silent girl looks back with doubtful eyes.
Mom:"Oh! Bob, it's your friend!"
__:Loud steps shake the dust from the floor as Bob runs to the main entrance.
Bob:"Ooooh, creepy girl! Want to come in? We can play with my toys or something, what do you say?"
__:She nods, looking down. For a second, her mouth widens, forming a gentle smile.
Bob:"Great!"
__:The girl is taken by surprise as Bob grabs her hands in a frenzy and drags her inside, all the way upstairs to his room.
__:A bit blushed, the girl stands in the middle of his room.
Bob:"Oh, now that I think about it, I never really presented myself properly! I'm Bob, nice to meet you, let's be friends, alright?"
Bob:(I think she is cute. She's very shy and quiet, but I like her. She seems very kind and gentle.)
Bob:(Her name is...)
Little girl:"...Lisa"
Bob:"OOHHH..!!"
__:Lisa looks at him, confused.
Lisa:"W-What...?"
Bob:"You can talk! I thought you were mute. You have a cute voice, and a cool name!"
__:Smiling, he grabs her by her shoulders and hugs her tight, making her blush deeply.
Lisa:"W-What are you doing..?"
Bob:"Let's be friends forever, okay?"
__:Lisa is held in his arms, her eyes opening up a bit from the proposal.
Lisa:"...Okay."
Bob:(We've been friends for so long now, that I can't imagine spending a night without her.)
Lisa:"Are you sure? That book is yours, I don't want you to waste it on me."
__:Bob holds two books on his hands. Both are the same, green without any kind of text or drawings on the cover, completely blank.
Bob:"I told you, we are learning together, so you need a book to practice too!"
Lisa:"Fine, thanks."
__:Her soft voice makes Bob smile proud.
Bob:"See? They are the same, isn't that cool?"
Lisa:"...Yes."
__:She smiles.
Bob:(I don't know where she lives during the day, but at night she would be always with me.)
Bob:*Yaaawn*
Lisa:"...Are you tired?"
Bob:"No! I'm fine."
__:Sitting on his bed, both of them are resting on each other's shoulders.
Lisa:"I'm sorry, I always come so late at night, I don't let you sleep."
Bob:"It's fine, I told you! It's a nice excuse to stay up late! Sleeping is for the weak, anyways."
Lisa:"I should go, you need to rest."
__:She tries to stand, but something drags her back to the bed.
Lisa:"...?"
__:A sleepy Bob rests his head on her shoulder, anchoring his arms around hers.
Lisa:"*sigh* I guess I can stay for a little longer."
Bob:(Usually I fall asleep by her side, and when I wake up she's gone. I always think to myself: 'Was it a dream?')
Bob:(Thanks to her, I don't even care anymore about the kids picking on me.)
Lisa:"What happened?"
__:Full of bruises, Bob smiles at her like it's nothing.
Bob:"Just a little fight with some kids, don't worry. I'm fine."
Lisa:"Why did you fight?"
Bob:"I guess... they don't like that I don't have to go to school everyday like them, haha! Poor idiots!"
__:Lisa's hand slowly reaches for one of the bruises on his face. Her worried look surprises Bob.
Lisa:"Do those kids cause you trouble? Who are them?"
__:Flattered, he smiles and lets out a loud laugh.
Bob:"Hahahaha! You don't have to worry, for real! I can beat them anyday. I'm a man, so It's only right, I have to stand my ground!"
Bob:(I haven't seen those kids for a long time now that I think of it. Probably just didn't cross them on the street.)
Lisa:"Your dad is a hunter, so he kills animals to survive, right...?"
__:Sitting outside on the grass, they look way up to the full moon.
Bob:"Huh...? Yeay, why?"
Lisa:"Do you want to be a hunter too, when you grow up?"
__:Bob smiles cheerful and shakes his head no.
Bob:"No. I went with him to hunt some times but, I just can't stand killing animals. So instead I will be a farmer, like my mom! I will be the animal's friend, not their hunter!"
__:She looks down, a gentle smile shines on her face.
Lisa:"I see. That's... cute."
__:Bob blushes, getting caught offguard.
Bob:"What about you? What do you want to do when you grow up?"
Lisa:"I...?"
__:She stares at the moon again, thoughtful.
Lisa:"When I grow up... I want to be by your side."
Bob:(She's way smarter than me, but she helps me so I don't fall behind.)
Lisa:"It's Lisa, with a single 's'"
Bob:"Huh...? H-Hey, what are you doing, don't read my diary!"
__:Blushing, Bob closes his book after Lisa took a peek at it.
__:She smiles gently, while Bob recovers from the surprise.
Bob:"I'll... I'll correct it later, thanks."
Lisa:"You're welcome."
Bob:"Can I... Can I read your diary? To check for mistakes, too..."
Lisa:"Absolutely not."
__:Lisa hugs her book tight on her chest, squeezing it.
Bob:"Heh, that's what I thought."
Bob:(She is very reserved, she doesn't even want to eat with us, probably because she doesn't want to be a bother.)
Mom:"Are you sure you don't want something to eat? We may not have a lot of money, but we can afford to feed you, so you don't have to worry!"
Lisa:"It's alright, I already ate before coming here, so I'm full."
Bob:(So she stares at us having dinner while her stomach growls.)
Bob:(Still, she doesn't seem sad. She seems to enjoy it, even if it's just being with us.)
Bob:(My mom and dad like her, too. Since I don't have any friends, they are glad that she's around so much. And so am I.)
Mom:"You can stay for the day too if you want, you know? You don't have to only come at night, you're not a bother."
Dad:"Haha, yeah. And since Bob doesn't go to school, you two could play together or practice writing with mom. He's so bored."
Mom:"All day long he talks about you, you know?"
__:Blushing, Bob steps between Lisa and his parents.
Bob:"Tssh! That's enough, mom!"
__:Behind him, he thought he heard an angel laugh.
Lisa:"Hahaha!"
__:Shocked, Bob turns around to see a laughing Lisa.
Lisa:"It's fine. Sorry but I can only come at night, I have things to do during the day."
__:Happy, Bob joins her in her laugh, smiling.
Bob:(They got so used to her, that she became almost like a daughter for my parents.)
Mom:"Are you sure you have to go? It's still dark outside! And there have been so many murders lately... I don't feel good letting you go like that."
Dad:"I feel the same way, why don't I go with you? Wherever you go, I bet it's not that far."
Lisa:"Thanks for caring so much about me, but you don't need to worry. The sun's about to rise, so it will be day in no time. I'll be fine."
__:Standing in front of her, a worried Bob stares at her eyes before hugging her.
Bob:"Just... be careful, alright? I want to see you tonight again."
__:Lisa smiles, hugging him back.
Lisa:"I'll be here as always."
Bob:(I don't know where she came from or where she is going, but I know one thing. I want to make her happy.)
Bob:"Here, I made you this!"
Lisa:"What? For me...?"
__:Hanging from Bob's hands, a somewhat disjointed brown teddybear looks at Lisa with black, shiny marble eyes.
Bob:"My mom taught me how to do it, and only during the day so it would be a surprise! Did you have any idea? Did you?"
__:Lisa slowly reaches for the teddybear and hugs it, smiling while she enjoys its touch.
Lisa:"No, I had no idea. Thank you so much."
Bob:(She is weird, not like any other girls I have seen, but I think that makes her special.)
Lisa:"You're bleeding."
__:Bob lifts his red finger while rubbing his hair with his other hand.
Bob:"This? Don't worry, I cut myself while making your teddybear. It's not deep but it won't stop bleeding, I'll ask my mom to heal it."
__:Gently, she grabs him by his bleeding finger and sticks it in her mouth, licking it.
__:Bob stares at her, blushed and shocked.
Bob:"W-What are you doing?"
Lisa:"I'm licking it. Do you think it's...disgusting...?"
Bob:"W-What? N-No, no! It's just... Umh... It's fine, don't worry!"
Bob:(She's not the kind of person that smiles a lot, but every now and then a kind expression would pop on her face.)
Lisa:"I brought you this..."
__:Her arms lift, presenting a golden pocket watch that shines in the dim light.
Bob:"Woah, that's for us?"
Mom:"Oh my, it wasn't necessary! It looks so expensive, where did you get it?"
Lisa:"I...I found it in the floor on the street, so I... uh.. took it..."
__:Bob joins his hand with hers, grabbing the watch from Lisa.
__:She blushes, looking to the side.
Bob:"I'm sorry Lisa, but we can't accept this gift."
__:Lisa's gentle smile fades, confused.
Lisa:"W-What...? Why not...?"
__:Bob smiles, pressing a button on the watch and opening it. Inside, there's a photo of an old man with his two daughters.
Bob:"See? This is Harry's watch, he's some old man from the city. He comes from time to time to vissit, he is very kind."
Bob:"He probably dropped it by accident, so we will return it to him. Sorry, Lisa."
Lisa:"Oh, I see..."
__:Her head lowers as her long hair almost covers her whole face.
Bob:(Today, she said it was going to be our last night together.)
Bob:"What? Why? Why can't you come again?"
__:An altered Bob asks, both of them standing in the open field outside.
Lisa:"I... have to go, and I will never come back. I'm sorry. It was nice being with you, thank you so much, for real."
__:She leans in and gives Bob a small kiss on his chin.
__:His eyes open as tears start forming in them, going down his face.
__:Before he can grab her, she turns around and starts running away.
Bob:"W-Wait! You can stay here, with us! We can be a family, please!!!"
Bob:"LISA!!!!"
Bob:(For days now, there hasn't been a sign of her. The nights never seemed so long and quiet to me as now.)
__:Sitting on his room at night, Bob peeks out the window looking at the forest around his farmhouse.
__:From time to time, he would get quick glances of silhouettes moving between the trees.
Bob:"L-Lisa?!"
__:A deer comes out from the bushes, only to go back to the forest.
Bob:"No, it's not... Will I ever see her again...? This is not fair..."
__:And like that, Bob kept waiting for her, until one night...
Mom:"Bob, it's Lisa!"
__:Bob's laying on his bed upstairs while hugging his book. He gets up at the call of his mom, the word that resonates the most it's, of course...
Bob:"Lisa?"
__:In a hurry, he starts running downstairs, still holding his diary.
__:*THUMP*
Dad:"What's that, Lisa came back? That's-"
__:*SLASH*
__:*THUMP*
__:Bob runs to the hallway, his naked feet sliding on the wet floor and making him fall.
__:Confused by the landing, he rubs his head before focusing again on the red pool below him.
Bob:"W-What's this...?"
__:Next to him, the bleeding corpses of his mom and dad are laying down.
__:Standing in the middle of the hallway, a blue dress is stained with red.
__:Fingernails as sharp and pointy as blades.
__:Bat-like wings coming out the back.
__:An innocent face twisted with fangs and demonic eyes.
__:Pale skin turned crimson.
Bob:"L-Lisa?!"
__:She remains quiet, her face completely red by the blood. Her stare with those black eyes scares him.
__:Lisa takes a step forward, her foot leaving a red footprint on the wooden floor.
Lisa:"Your dad was a hunter, Bob."
__:Terrified, Bob crawls back until his body hits a wall.
Bob:"W-What are you saying, what did you do? WHY DID YOU DO IT?!"
__:Lisa closes her eyes.
Lisa:"I'm sorry that I never told you, but... I am a hunter, too. I'm a vampire."
Bob:"A vampire? What do you mean!?"
Lisa:"He hunted animals, I hunt people. That's just how it is. I'm sorry."
__:Stepping closer, she grabs him by the throat and easily lifts him in the air until his feet can't reach the ground.
Bob:"N-No, please Lisa! I beg you!"
__:He struggles, kicking with his legs and trying to free himself from her grip, but the air won't reach his brain.
__:Soon enough, his eyes close and the struggle stops.
__:Now, only silence and darkness.
__:But it isn't over.
__:Birds, people, even the sun. He can feel all of that.
__:What got lost shines once again, the bright in his eyes as they slowly open.
__:He sees the roof of his hallway. Funny enough, he had never looked at it before.
__:His parents are laying by his side, completely still.
__:Lisa is nowhere to be found, there's only a few bloody footprints that lead outside.
__:His eyes are open wide as he sits on the stained floor, quiet.
__:In front of him was all his life, now gone. At one side, was the one book he was going to fill with that life. His diary.
__:With teary eyes, he grabs the book and opens it, placing it between his legs.
__:Page after page, bloody fingerprints are left in the paper as he keeps reading each one of them.
__:Not even half way through the book, there only remains blank pages.
__:A whole life yet to live, but for what.
__:With anger overcoming Bob's soul, he starts ripping off blank pages, tossing them aside.
Bob:"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"
__:A scream of pain and sadness that reaches no one.
__:That's right, he was alone now. No shoulder to cry on, no one to help him.
__:He was on his own.
Bob:"W-What am I gonna do now, mom, dad...?"
__:His soft voice trembles and breaks from crying.
__:Remaining still for a moment, he cleans his tears with the back of his arm.
__:All that pain and sorrow that he felt. All those years that he lived and had yet to be lived.
__:Everything he was and could have been. Everything.
__:It was all written in a single, lonely page.
__:On that one diary that no one would ever see.
__:Not with ink, but with blood.
__:And it read like this.
Bob:(My parents are dead. I'm all alone now. I thought I was alone before, since I had no friends.)
Bob:(But I was so wrong, I had my parents. They loved me, and I loved them.)
Bob:(Now I know what loneliness means. Now I know what real pain means.)
Bob:(I WILL MAKE SURE TO SHOW HER THE MEANING OF THOSE WORDS.)
__:...