Sharing my work

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Westeford
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Sharing my work

#1 Post by Westeford » Fri May 11, 2018 12:17 am

I started looking over some of my older writing. (October 2017) Back then I wanted to write some kind of multi-path college-based dating sim with a very rich story. My main inspirations at the time were Higurashi and Metal Gear Solid. I stopped working on it due to losing passion for it and wanting to apply myself to something "simpler" and smaller to start with. That project I've been working on for 5 months now, and it's nearing completion. (I think).
But I remember this chapter the fondest. This was written as one of the endings. I felt compelled to share it. (The other endings I wrote just got sillier and less interesting, the second ending involved a girl making a gundam in the school basement.)
There are references to certain plot threads in this chapter, but I don't think much context is needed. (I barely remember half of the context anyway.) The most you need to know is that Bryce can see brief visions of the future and the chapter begins when a terrorist attack begins on a small island country.
It's kind of graphic so read at your own risk.
Chapter5a, Katrina.docx
(76.45 KiB) Downloaded 31 times
I'd love to hear what you guys think. Should I try salvaging this project? What kind of things did I do right and wrong? That kind of stuff.

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Project_Astro
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Re: Sharing my work

#2 Post by Project_Astro » Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm

I'm writing while I'm reading so I won't forgot anything:
For the moment I love it ! I think that if you've got the right sprites, backgrounds, musics, it can be really reaaally good !

When Katrina decides to go into the castle, you could (maybe you planned to do it ?) include a choice, for instance:
b "Wait... I won't let her... Like this..."
choice :
"Tell her to wait for you"
"Say good-bye to her"

Of course if the player choose "Say good-bye to her", the main character would say something like:
" No... I can't do this"
and you end with the "... I'm going with you." you wrote (in the two cases).

I'm still reading and I just thought : Bryce could have a vision of the near end of the story ? But this is the only time he sees it, and he doesn't pay attention to it more than that.

There's a moment where it's written
.Vision
.End vision

without anything between the two, did you do this on purpose ?

Armored man "Ha! How naïve. Schnel!"
"Schnel" like "schnell" in german ? :D

Should we know more about Yuliah, Edmund, Katrina or Corrine in the 1-4 chap ?

I think that for the the two last lines of dialogue:
K “Enough with the cliché lines, just kiss me.”
B “Okay!”

I think Bryce shouldn't answer.
After "just kiss me" you make a transition and you continue with the summary of what happened after. It would be better, according to me :)
But that's just my thoughts ^^

So in the end, I really love it, yeah ! Though I have the feeling that something (but I don't know what :lol: ) is missing.
But once again, it's maybe because I don't have 1-4 chapters !

Westeford
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Re: Sharing my work

#3 Post by Westeford » Fri Jun 22, 2018 12:03 pm

Project_Astro wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm
When Katrina decides to go into the castle, you could (maybe you planned to do it ?) include a choice, for instance:
b "Wait... I won't let her... Like this..."
choice :
"Tell her to wait for you"
"Say good-bye to her"

Of course if the player choose "Say good-bye to her", the main character would say something like:
" No... I can't do this"
and you end with the "... I'm going with you." you wrote (in the two cases).
I completely agree.
Project_Astro wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm
I'm still reading and I just thought : Bryce could have a vision of the near end of the story ? But this is the only time he sees it, and he doesn't pay attention to it more than that.
I think I understand what you're saying. The story's main inciting incident was in fact Bryce having a vision of the attack. But the main issue I was having with this story was figuring out how the player would stop it without the solution being obvious.
Project_Astro wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm
There's a moment where it's written
.Vision
.End vision

without anything between the two, did you do this on purpose ?
I think I was thinking that I could show the "vision" effect then immediately show the reaction instead of showing the vision. Sometimes the visions would slow down the action I think.
Project_Astro wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm
Armored man "Ha! How naïve. Schnel!"
"Schnel" like "schnell" in german ? :D
I envisioned this guy as like a giant German knight looking guy. My family also loves Hogan's Heroes so I was bound to find some way to integrate some of the German words. Also this guy's when I was trying to write some "gameplay" but I'll probably retire that if I ever resume this project.
Project_Astro wrote:
Thu Jun 21, 2018 2:07 pm
Should we know more about Yuliah, Edmund, Katrina or Corrine in the 1-4 chap ?
The basic premise of this story was this. Bryce goes to island country with best university in the world. He meets different people. Katrina, a headstrong individual who is secretly a princess and heir to the throne. Edmund, a 13-15 year-old detective, a strange mix of childish and mature. Corrine, a flirtatious doctor who works as a student nurse. Yuliah is Katrina's younger sister who stays in the castle. She can also hear people's thoughts (I.E. the player's narration.) Yuliah is only seen in the castle most of the time.

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Project_Astro
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Re: Sharing my work

#4 Post by Project_Astro » Fri Jun 22, 2018 1:48 pm

I think I understand what you're saying. The story's main inciting incident was in fact Bryce having a vision of the attack. But the main issue I was having with this story was figuring out how the player would stop it without the solution being obvious.
Ooooh, yeah, I see, I see... This is another thing, for sure !
I think I was thinking that I could show the "vision" effect then immediately show the reaction instead of showing the vision. Sometimes the visions would slow down the action I think.
Yes, I undestand :)
I envisioned this guy as like a giant German knight looking guy. My family also loves Hogan's Heroes so I was bound to find some way to integrate some of the German words.
Add more German stuff and it will be okay, he he !
The basic premise of this story was this. Bryce goes to island country with best university in the world. He meets different people. Katrina, a headstrong individual who is secretly a princess and heir to the throne. Edmund, a 13-15 year-old detective, a strange mix of childish and mature. Corrine, a flirtatious doctor who works as a student nurse. Yuliah is Katrina's younger sister who stays in the castle. She can also hear people's thoughts (I.E. the player's narration.) Yuliah is only seen in the castle most of the time.
This premise with Bryce is a good idea ! (and should I say that I like all the characters' occupation ?)

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Re: Sharing my work

#5 Post by thetam » Tue Jul 03, 2018 4:45 am

Thanks you Westeford for sharring, it works for me.
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