Hello people. I have the beginnings of a VN script(Middle-Eastern fantasy) that I require a few more eyes on. Originally, this script was a webcomic script, but I've worked on turning it into a proper visual novel script. I need your opinion on, well, everything. If you have specific questions, please don't be shy. I would ALSO like to have feedback(specifically) on which parts of the script remain unclear, and which parts work well as-is.
EDIT: I'll update the file whenever I'm done editing the previous parts. I'll still go through a second round of edits after the initial VN script draft, but for now... You guys have around 3 scenes' worth of stuff(technically 2 and half, since the last scene cuts off in the middle :I)
This is a pretty interesting start so far. The mentions of Lifebloods and the God-King have me interested to learn more about what they are and about the history of this world. The Glossary entries seem like a really cool way to include this information, I always thought that kind of thing was cool in VNs, plus it's a great way to focus on worldbuilding without making the VN overly expository.
I'm intrigued by the relationship between Sari and Elir, especially that business about giving orders - since it isn't expanded upon much, I'm curious whether her influence over him is legal, magical, something else altogether? The worldbuilding by itself was cool but if I had to pick the one thing that got me most interested in your project it would probably be this.
Small note not really about the writing: you made a short mention of the stallkeeper's design being a potential Kickstarter reward. Unless he comes up again later in the plot and it's somehow relevant for him to be male, I would suggest allowing backers to design a character of any gender, simply because that gives you a higher chance of being backed at that tier. If someone has a great idea for a female character design but there are no female characters available you could lose out on some extra cash. c:
Also not about the writing, but just something that you might want to keep in mind: I noticed a lot of optional CGs listed, as well as several different sprite variants. Remember that art is time-consuming, and if you're commissioning someone, expensive. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having lots and lots of art - in fact, that's a big plus for some VN fans - but keep in mind that more art will probably extend your development time quite a bit.
Good luck on this project, I'm definitely excited to see more! ^_^
Wow, thanks a lot for the encouraging feedback. The optional CGs are mostly there because they're indeed optional - they're not needed for the story to have its intended impact. You raise excellent points, however... especially the stallkeeper bit, which I will keep in mind. Also, when the VN descriptions say "sprite changes into--", it actually just means that a character's emotional state changes, which will be conveyed on their face. Their posture will remain the same. Main characters will have around 4 different postures(sprites), max, while side characters will have less.
...Speaking of your points of interest, I should probably finish drafting the prologue as soon as possible. I think that you'll be permanently hooked by that point.
