Critique my writing! + Some pointers/tips to remember?

[Aeia]

Hello! I'm Aeia.

As you can [will, rather] see, I'm fairly inexperienced with writing.
I wrote it in 1st POV without even thinking about it, but I want to change it into a 3rd POV.
I can think of possibilities of what the problem/s in my writing is/are, but I want to hear it from other people.

These parts I wrote are the intro of the visual novel I'm making, before it introduces the trigger and the MC#1s goal. I know it's long,
and I really want to make it shorter.

Currently I have this idea of cutting the goinghome + bookstore scene to the next day, where Toby will be meeting Sherry's bro, but
that will eliminate an event in the future as to why Sherry wasn't in the mood during this scene. The reason why she isn't in the mood is because
she had already received a function which is Clairvoyance (but without knowing when/where and sometimes, to whom it will happen), but she
didn't believe her first vision.

I also believe that I can change this into something better, but I don't know how.

Right now, I really want some feedback on my current writing. I know it's lacking, but I want to be able to have some pointers before I move on.
Thank you very much!

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HYyxX7 ... sp=sharing

[Mutive]

I can't get into Google Drive, so no critiquing the actual writing. (I suspect everyone else can, it's just an anti-virus thing!)

But one thing I will note is that 1st and a close third are very similar.

e.g. "I stopped at the grocery store. Unfortunately, most of the shelves were empty because of the supposed 'storm of the century' that was due any minute. Well, at least there were still batteries and paper towels. The first would be useful the second...maybe not so much. I grabbed the batteries at least and headed to the checkbook when my heart stopped. There he was. My ex."

translates super well into:

"Sarah stopped at the grocery store. Unfortunately, most of the shelves were empty because of the supposed 'storm of the century' that was due any minute. Well, at least there were still batteries and paper towels. The first would be useful the second...maybe not so much. Sarah grabbed the batteries at least and headed to the checkbook when my heart stopped. There he was. Her ex."

[Johan]

I read the entire script and while the beginning didn't seem much interesting, i think that's pretty much my own bias? Anything to do with world building doesn't really seem interesting to me. BUT! I also force myself to read those kind of stories because hey! it can be a fun new world!
I read it all and I have to say that when it got to the reporter on the TV, THAT piqued my interest!

(Poor Skeleton! Also, it seems you can now marry skeletons! WHICH IS GOOD! :3!) Not to mention the other Tobias????!! honestly the interviews and the conversation between these two was good and funny ahahaa !

But! I do have to say that:

a) I think it fits better the word "ability" rather than "function". "Function" is more for machines,while the other is more for people.
b) The part where Mr.Homeroom start explaining the world, maybe it's my own bias but... i think you could cut at least 2 pharagraphs. I think it's too much info for just the beginning
c) The part where Tobias find the Tobias 2.0 (IT'S FUNNY THAT IS CALLED LIKE THAT! XD)... it's a bit... rushed? As in, he has just meet his copy and he acts so normal? as if it didn't shocked that much. You could show him surprised and excited at the event, or surprised and worried, but simply going directly to how to name Tobias 2.0 it's.... It's like the protagonist doesn't seem too bothered by this. And according to the script, in the Grey Area, you aren't supposed to have abilities. Which makes it even more strange that he doesn't seem too shocked about his ability considering that this character considers the Grey Area as "worthless". It seems by reading the script that this character would actually be surprised and excited if he had an ability.

I hope I've helped you with this! At least a bit! :3

[Aeia]

I can't get into Google Drive, so no critiquing the actual writing. (I suspect everyone else can, it's just an anti-virus thing!)

But one thing I will note is that 1st and a close third are very similar.

e.g. "I stopped at the grocery store. Unfortunately, most of the shelves were empty because of the supposed 'storm of the century' that was due any minute. Well, at least there were still batteries and paper towels. The first would be useful the second...maybe not so much. I grabbed the batteries at least and headed to the checkbook when my heart stopped. There he was. My ex."

translates super well into:

"Sarah stopped at the grocery store. Unfortunately, most of the shelves were empty because of the supposed 'storm of the century' that was due any minute. Well, at least there were still batteries and paper towels. The first would be useful the second...maybe not so much. Sarah grabbed the batteries at least and headed to the checkbook when my heart stopped. There he was. Her ex."

That's alright! I really want to experiment with both. It feels rather odd to use 1st person for me, but I tend to notice that it lets the player be on the MC's shoes/sort of like that, but you're limited to only that character (In my own opinion), while the other allows the opposite.

I'm going to experiment on both and compare in the future.

[Aeia]

I read the entire script and while the beginning didn't seem much interesting, i think that's pretty much my own bias? Anything to do with world building doesn't really seem interesting to me. BUT! I also force myself to read those kind of stories because hey! it can be a fun new world!
I read it all and I have to say that when it got to the reporter on the TV, THAT piqued my interest!

(Poor Skeleton! Also, it seems you can now marry skeletons! WHICH IS GOOD! :3!) Not to mention the other Tobias????!! honestly the interviews and the conversation between these two was good and funny ahahaa !

But! I do have to say that:

a) I think it fits better the word "ability" rather than "function". "Function" is more for machines,while the other is more for people.
b) The part where Mr.Homeroom start explaining the world, maybe it's my own bias but... i think you could cut at least 2 pharagraphs. I think it's too much info for just the beginning
c) The part where Tobias find the Tobias 2.0 (IT'S FUNNY THAT IS CALLED LIKE THAT! XD)... it's a bit... rushed? As in, he has just meet his copy and he acts so normal? as if it didn't shocked that much. You could show him surprised and excited at the event, or surprised and worried, but simply going directly to how to name Tobias 2.0 it's.... It's like the protagonist doesn't seem too bothered by this. And according to the script, in the Grey Area, you aren't supposed to have abilities. Which makes it even more strange that he doesn't seem too shocked about his ability considering that this character considers the Grey Area as "worthless". It seems by reading the script that this character would actually be surprised and excited if he had an ability.

I hope I've helped you with this! At least a bit! :3

Thank you for your hard work!

I've also noticed that the beginning isn't interesting. I've come to the decision of rewriting it and making it shorter but still with the sufficient information needed.

a) I did consider to use "ability"/"mutations" instead of "function", but my sister thought it was rather boring and repetitive. I've been trying to find alternatives.
b) Thank you! I've decided to just make it into a 'quest' if the player wants to delve deeper into the history of the world, maybe.
c1) I knew it was rushed. It was because I already thought that it was a long read, so I decided to shorten it. For the emotion of the character, I think its because I ran out of ideas on how I was going to write that scene.

But again, I want to thank you for the efforts you have spent. I will definitely consider these insights and write a better script or not .