I need Help Please with my awful love scene writing
Posted: Sat Sep 14, 2019 10:46 am
Hello,
I am trying to do a scene for a VR visual novel / RPG we are working on where the player was initially pursuing one route but 3 other routes were introduced at once in the previous scene, and now the player has a choice to interact with all 4 routes. I came up with this but I don't like it at all and would really like some suggestions for how to handle introducing multiple routes at once. Any advice would be greatly appreciated:
EXT. BORDERLAND FOREST
The team crosses another level dealing with enemies, collectibles, etc. Enough mana is collectible here to get a serious spell upgrade. After about 10 minutes of gameplay the team comes to a place to setup camp.
OLD MAN
We will rest here for the night and head out in the morning.
EXT. THIRD CAMP SITE
Camp is now much bigger as there are four love interests in camp. and one more that is still locked. If the player approaches a girl he gets a choice menu.
#####################################################
ANNAH
CHOICE 1 - SWEAR YOUR LOYALTY TO HER
DARICK
You know. I swore to this quest but my true loyalty is to you. No matter what I will protect you.
ANNAH
This is just the type of line boys from balmoros say when they are trying to get into your pants. Good Night Darick.
CHOICE 2 - KISS HER
DARICK
Annah. There is something I need to tell you.
ANNAH
What
She comes closer and Darick throws his arms around her waist and kisses her. The two engage in a heated kiss for a few seconds.
ANNAH (CONT'D)
That was nice. What did you want to tell me?
DARICK
Ummm. I forgot.
ANNAH
You idiot. Come on lets go to sleep.
This unlocks a scene in the tent where Annah and Darick sleep together this time she is topless, and gives him a bigger goodnight kiss. And then they snuggle up under the sheets. The lights go out.
.
ANNAH
Darick What are you doing! No. Not now. We have a big day tomorrow. Lets just get some rest.
#####################################################
PAIGE
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
If it comes down to a dangerous fight. I will protect you first. You can count on me.
PAIGE
Oh um. That is good, because Lucia is always well. Too busy Yes I can use the help. Thank you!
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Paige, playing with her boobs,
PAIGE (CONT'D)
We better get some rest.
the two sleep together with paige in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
We almost got killed back there. You know tonight might just be our last night alive so we might as well fuck.
PAIGE
You are starting to creep me out. Just get lost.
#####################################################
RITA
CHOICE 1 - JOIN THE GUILD
DARICK
You know. Maybe being a knight is over rated. What would I have to do to join your guild.
RITA
Well I prefer women in everything. But there are some things I can teach you. Starting with...
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Rita, playing with her boobs
RITA (CONT'D)
That is all for now. Good night
Cut to Darick and Rita sleeping together in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
#####################################################
LUCIA
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
You know if we face an inferno knight. I have your back.
LUCIA
I don't need a boy's help. Get lost I need to get some rest.
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
I was so turned on watching you fight today.
LUCIA
Get over here.
SCENE UNLOCKED - Lucia grabs Darick and starts making out with him. The player can touch her boobs for a little bit.
LUCIA (CONT'D)
I am not going to fuck you until I know you better. Good night.
The two sleep together
FADE TO BLACK
I am trying to do a scene for a VR visual novel / RPG we are working on where the player was initially pursuing one route but 3 other routes were introduced at once in the previous scene, and now the player has a choice to interact with all 4 routes. I came up with this but I don't like it at all and would really like some suggestions for how to handle introducing multiple routes at once. Any advice would be greatly appreciated:
EXT. BORDERLAND FOREST
The team crosses another level dealing with enemies, collectibles, etc. Enough mana is collectible here to get a serious spell upgrade. After about 10 minutes of gameplay the team comes to a place to setup camp.
OLD MAN
We will rest here for the night and head out in the morning.
EXT. THIRD CAMP SITE
Camp is now much bigger as there are four love interests in camp. and one more that is still locked. If the player approaches a girl he gets a choice menu.
#####################################################
ANNAH
CHOICE 1 - SWEAR YOUR LOYALTY TO HER
DARICK
You know. I swore to this quest but my true loyalty is to you. No matter what I will protect you.
ANNAH
This is just the type of line boys from balmoros say when they are trying to get into your pants. Good Night Darick.
CHOICE 2 - KISS HER
DARICK
Annah. There is something I need to tell you.
ANNAH
What
She comes closer and Darick throws his arms around her waist and kisses her. The two engage in a heated kiss for a few seconds.
ANNAH (CONT'D)
That was nice. What did you want to tell me?
DARICK
Ummm. I forgot.
ANNAH
You idiot. Come on lets go to sleep.
This unlocks a scene in the tent where Annah and Darick sleep together this time she is topless, and gives him a bigger goodnight kiss. And then they snuggle up under the sheets. The lights go out.
.
ANNAH
Darick What are you doing! No. Not now. We have a big day tomorrow. Lets just get some rest.
#####################################################
PAIGE
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
If it comes down to a dangerous fight. I will protect you first. You can count on me.
PAIGE
Oh um. That is good, because Lucia is always well. Too busy Yes I can use the help. Thank you!
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Paige, playing with her boobs,
PAIGE (CONT'D)
We better get some rest.
the two sleep together with paige in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
We almost got killed back there. You know tonight might just be our last night alive so we might as well fuck.
PAIGE
You are starting to creep me out. Just get lost.
#####################################################
RITA
CHOICE 1 - JOIN THE GUILD
DARICK
You know. Maybe being a knight is over rated. What would I have to do to join your guild.
RITA
Well I prefer women in everything. But there are some things I can teach you. Starting with...
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Rita, playing with her boobs
RITA (CONT'D)
That is all for now. Good night
Cut to Darick and Rita sleeping together in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
#####################################################
LUCIA
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
You know if we face an inferno knight. I have your back.
LUCIA
I don't need a boy's help. Get lost I need to get some rest.
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
I was so turned on watching you fight today.
LUCIA
Get over here.
SCENE UNLOCKED - Lucia grabs Darick and starts making out with him. The player can touch her boobs for a little bit.
LUCIA (CONT'D)
I am not going to fuck you until I know you better. Good night.
The two sleep together
FADE TO BLACK