I need Help Please with my awful love scene writing

[justcolorado]

Hello,

I am trying to do a scene for a VR visual novel / RPG we are working on where the player was initially pursuing one route but 3 other routes were introduced at once in the previous scene, and now the player has a choice to interact with all 4 routes. I came up with this but I don't like it at all and would really like some suggestions for how to handle introducing multiple routes at once. Any advice would be greatly appreciated:


EXT. BORDERLAND FOREST
The team crosses another level dealing with enemies, collectibles, etc. Enough mana is collectible here to get a serious spell upgrade. After about 10 minutes of gameplay the team comes to a place to setup camp.
OLD MAN
We will rest here for the night and head out in the morning.
EXT. THIRD CAMP SITE
Camp is now much bigger as there are four love interests in camp. and one more that is still locked. If the player approaches a girl he gets a choice menu.
#####################################################
ANNAH
CHOICE 1 - SWEAR YOUR LOYALTY TO HER
DARICK
You know. I swore to this quest but my true loyalty is to you. No matter what I will protect you.
ANNAH
This is just the type of line boys from balmoros say when they are trying to get into your pants. Good Night Darick.
CHOICE 2 - KISS HER
DARICK
Annah. There is something I need to tell you.
ANNAH
What
She comes closer and Darick throws his arms around her waist and kisses her. The two engage in a heated kiss for a few seconds.
ANNAH (CONT'D)
That was nice. What did you want to tell me?
DARICK
Ummm. I forgot.
ANNAH
You idiot. Come on lets go to sleep.
This unlocks a scene in the tent where Annah and Darick sleep together this time she is topless, and gives him a bigger goodnight kiss. And then they snuggle up under the sheets. The lights go out.
.
ANNAH
Darick What are you doing! No. Not now. We have a big day tomorrow. Lets just get some rest.
#####################################################
PAIGE
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
If it comes down to a dangerous fight. I will protect you first. You can count on me.
PAIGE
Oh um. That is good, because Lucia is always well. Too busy Yes I can use the help. Thank you!
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Paige, playing with her boobs,
PAIGE (CONT'D)
We better get some rest.
the two sleep together with paige in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
We almost got killed back there. You know tonight might just be our last night alive so we might as well fuck.
PAIGE
You are starting to creep me out. Just get lost.
#####################################################
RITA
CHOICE 1 - JOIN THE GUILD
DARICK
You know. Maybe being a knight is over rated. What would I have to do to join your guild.
RITA
Well I prefer women in everything. But there are some things I can teach you. Starting with...
SCENE UNLOCKED - Kissing Rita, playing with her boobs
RITA (CONT'D)
That is all for now. Good night
Cut to Darick and Rita sleeping together in underwear
FADE TO BLACK
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
#####################################################
LUCIA
CHOICE 1 - OFFER PROTECTION
DARICK
You know if we face an inferno knight. I have your back.
LUCIA
I don't need a boy's help. Get lost I need to get some rest.
CHOICE 2 - TRY TO FUCK HER
DARICK
I was so turned on watching you fight today.
LUCIA
Get over here.
SCENE UNLOCKED - Lucia grabs Darick and starts making out with him. The player can touch her boobs for a little bit.
LUCIA (CONT'D)
I am not going to fuck you until I know you better. Good night.
The two sleep together
FADE TO BLACK

[GreenVegetations]

Well it seems like you are the starting off the conversations extremely strong. Like most of these conversations begin with you either trying to fuck someone or offer them protection and it just feels unnatural to do so. I would suggest you just simply have a conversation with the love interest and the romantic and emotional tension slowly builds up to a climax where you make these choices. You could also try to make it seductive banter between the protagonist and the love interest if they are already close enough. You have mentioned how there was only one initial route at first but the other 3 love interests were just introduced, so perhaps the initial love interest will talk more intimately with the protagonist while the others will be a bit more closed off or casual.

You could also take advantage of the fact that you are using the RPG genre to merge gameplay and storytelling. You said that there was 10 minutes of gameplay before you set up camp so perhaps you and your party fought a difficult boss or dungeon; this can be used to make it so that emotional tension is already high, and the player will also relate to the tension as they had to overcome a hard dungeon/boss, allowing you to easily transition to the offer protection. The way the love interests react to you saying this can also be affected by things like if they fainted in battle or you used a potion on them or not (although that might be a bit complex to program.)

The dialogue also seems a bit over the top and it kinda just seems like it is from a generic porn plot. Like usually in most eroge the dialogue is handled more romantically and feels more intimate. You could also try to like add some more subtext to the dialogue.

[jdhthegr8]

My personal recommendation, in addition to more convincing dialogue, is to spend time exploring your character's internal thoughts.

Here's a little excerpt from my own story. It's not a romance scene but I hope it gets the idea across:

___

Juno: Well remind me never to piss you off like that!

For fuck's sake, Karin didn’t even close the door… Damn it all!

Angelise: You weren’t meant to… ugh, whatever.

I down the drink in a single motion. The hint of vanilla with a cedar finish that Jade Hills is known for are completely lost on me right now.
Before I even comprehend what I did I’m pouring a second glass for myself. Juno snatches the bottle from me.

Juno: Whoa there, take it easy hotshot! This isn’t the first time you’ve ever “smoked” someone.

Angelise: It’s the first time it hurt me to do it.

Juno: I can understand that. But, you still went through with it. That’s a good thing Ange! You did what needed to be done without letting personal history get in the way. That’s the mark of someone who deserves to be a High Commander!

Angelise: And all your praise would mean a lot more at any other time.

Juno chuckles.
Juno: I suppose so. Well then, let me take care of your second drink at least…

She finishes filling the glass and hands it to me

Juno: …which will be your last one for right now.

Angelise: Sure.

She then bends down and starts picking up the various papers which have been spread across the room
I push myself out of my chair.

Angelise: By the Warden, you don’t have to do that!
Now she just has to be making fun of me!

Juno: Relax. No really, relax. You need to. Try that breathing stuff I always tell you to do. Sip your drink. Just clear your head. You did well and I’m proud of you.

Angelise: Okay, well… Thank you, in any case.
Sinking back into my chair, I try to pull myself back together.
Juno silently continues to pick up sheets.

I close my eyes and slowly inhale.
As she told me before, three seconds in.
1…
Tick.
2…
Tock.
3…
Tick.

Then three seconds out.
1…
Tock.
2…
Tick.
3…
Tock.

I sip my drink, slowly this time so as to actually savor its taste.
Smooth, as the rolling Jade Hills are.

Juno: Look Ange, don’t worry about it so much. This Karin girl seems like a decent person at heart, regardless of her issues-
Cedar, as the forests back home had.

Juno: -and if you guys are really that important to each other she’ll forgive you for this.
And just the faintest semblance of vanilla,
As Karin was to me.

I open my eyes again

Angelise: I really hope you’re right.

High Commander Fareed puts the papers back on my desk

Juno: They’re all in a neat stack, but uh… I have no idea which ones you’d actually finished

My brain slingshots back into the present.
It’s probably going to be ten minutes of work just to re-sort what I’ve already done…

Angelise: That’s not your fault. I really do appreciate the support, Juno.

Juno: Not a problem. I’ll see you tomorrow in the morning so don’t go too crazy on your own!

Before I can get another word in, she’s walked out.
I need to get a decent paperweight… and possibly a new best friend
___

Notice that basically as much wording is spent on describing Angelise's thoughts and each character's actions in a bit of detail as actual dialogue. The premise of your scene isn't bad, nor do I think it matters that much that it leads to an explicit scene. I'd recommend reviewing what you have so far and doing another draft or two. What I've got here was the result of reviewing the same script four times. It took time, but I'd say I'm happy with the result. With some better wording, what you've written has the potential to be far more effective.