On a quick read-through, dialogue reads rather stilted. For example,
Didn't you hear? The king is raising the tax again. My family will barely make it through the winter.
Even though the man's saying something that makes him find solace at the bottom of a bottle, he's saying it in such a way that it doesn't
read problematic. Especially since he's a barkeep and, seemly for the setting, not highly educated, his way of talking is too stiff.
You didn't hear? King's raising taxes again. We'll be lucky to see spring.
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The bigger weakness is that I have no idea why I should care for Derick. He applies to the military, but no satisfying explanation is given for this at all; the opening explanation of "to get out of the village, you need to join the military" explains nothing about what
really motivates him to join the army. What's got him so desperate that he wants to leave that badly? Why must he make this choice? Is there a pressing reason, or just "for the hell of it"?
Maybe those answers'll be answered later on, but this early draft (notwithstanding a few minor textual issues) doesn't give me any reason yet to care about the story or hint at what the story's going to be about. Remember, stories are moved by the motivations of its main actors.
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As an aside, I don't get why the military would reject him. Sounds like if a war is brewing, you want every man you can get. Even a clumsy farmhand makes for a useful meatshield.
Edit:
I forgot to mention that I do like the script. It captures the feel of the opening of an RPG game, trickling setting information in through mostly inobtrusive exposition. There's the seeds of an immediate conflict to resolve (being taken advantage of by an employer), and I would at least be interested in reading more currently.
It's promising but rough around the edges. While it may seem good to get feedback early, I recommend writing the game start to finish first, and doing a round of editing/QA after you've written your first draft.
