Feedback Needed for Game Demo Script (5 pages)

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Repulse
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Feedback Needed for Game Demo Script (5 pages)

#1 Post by Repulse » Tue Jan 07, 2020 8:28 am

Hello everyone. I'm a member of the Repulse game studio. We've been working on the demo of our game Iragon and need feedback on the script in its current state.

It is a romantic adventure game though this is just the first part of the demo.

Here's a link to it: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1oAaKOT ... sp=sharing

Those of you interested in the game are free to join our discord server: https://discordapp.com/invite/GzHjkf8

All feedback is appreciated. Thank you and have a nice day. :)

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fleet
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Re: Feedback Needed for Game Demo Script (5 pages)

#2 Post by fleet » Tue Jan 07, 2020 3:44 pm

I read the script.
In the interview room, Darick's statement "And I am sure that if you just give me a chance" is incomplete. I suggest you add the words "I would make a great soldier"

Before starting the quest to locate Gintas, there should be something explaining WHY the player needs to locate him.
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Re: Feedback Needed for Game Demo Script (5 pages)

#3 Post by Applegate » Wed Jan 08, 2020 1:49 pm

On a quick read-through, dialogue reads rather stilted. For example,
Didn't you hear? The king is raising the tax again. My family will barely make it through the winter.
Even though the man's saying something that makes him find solace at the bottom of a bottle, he's saying it in such a way that it doesn't read problematic. Especially since he's a barkeep and, seemly for the setting, not highly educated, his way of talking is too stiff.
You didn't hear? King's raising taxes again. We'll be lucky to see spring.
---

The bigger weakness is that I have no idea why I should care for Derick. He applies to the military, but no satisfying explanation is given for this at all; the opening explanation of "to get out of the village, you need to join the military" explains nothing about what really motivates him to join the army. What's got him so desperate that he wants to leave that badly? Why must he make this choice? Is there a pressing reason, or just "for the hell of it"?

Maybe those answers'll be answered later on, but this early draft (notwithstanding a few minor textual issues) doesn't give me any reason yet to care about the story or hint at what the story's going to be about. Remember, stories are moved by the motivations of its main actors.

---

As an aside, I don't get why the military would reject him. Sounds like if a war is brewing, you want every man you can get. Even a clumsy farmhand makes for a useful meatshield.

Edit:
I forgot to mention that I do like the script. It captures the feel of the opening of an RPG game, trickling setting information in through mostly inobtrusive exposition. There's the seeds of an immediate conflict to resolve (being taken advantage of by an employer), and I would at least be interested in reading more currently.

It's promising but rough around the edges. While it may seem good to get feedback early, I recommend writing the game start to finish first, and doing a round of editing/QA after you've written your first draft.

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