Need Feedback for Latest Version of Our Game's Script (10 Pages)

[Repulse]

Hello everybody. We've been working on the demo of our game Iragon and need more feedback on the script for its latest iteration.

I've been trying to make the dialog less stilted as some advised on our previous post, though it still requires improvement.
There's still more to add, but I'd like to refine what we currently have.

One last thing to note is that there're gonna be significant differences between the story of the demo and the full game.

Here's a link to it: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1UOKVeU ... sp=sharing

All feedback is appreciated. Thank you and have a nice day.

[HotMango]

Hi,
First, I apologize for the late response.
Second, I am not a good writer, so I may be wrong at times, but I approached your script with a POV of a gamer, please keep that in mind.
I read your script, and here is what I think:
In page 2, after "Background like yours", I feel like the conversation ended too early. You can make it longer by making Darick speak in an enthusiastic way like: "But I really want to join.. Because (Whatever you like). Keep in mind that it depends on the personality of Darick. But generally, the conversation was too short and there could've been room for improvement.
in page 2, "The merchant from Riastaad. He
arrived around two week ago." it should've been "weeks", not "week" . I know you're asking about the plot of the game, not the typos, but I felt like I had to tell you that.
Page 3, it should've been "scared" instead of sacred.
Page 4, "I need my pay for last week. You promised." --> "the last" (Also, I think it would be better if you put "You promised" in a separate line)
Page4, "Here you are. Two gold shillings." It is not "Here you are." but "There\Here you go."
Page 5, "Than you." ---> "Thank you."
And didn't Paige kind of fall for Darick too soon? I don't know but it's wierd.
Everything else seems like it doesn't need more polishing but I could be wrong, regarding everything.

one last thing, in page 2, when Darick got rejected, I imagined a cut scene, but in your youtube channel (I searched for it xD), the player was controlling Darick. A cut scene for that specific moment is better than playing the character. Nice game though, looks promising.

[Zelan]

"Here you are" is just another way of saying "Here you go." And there's no need to specify "the" last week, it means the same thing.

[HotMango]

Thanks for correcting me. I don't want to mislead people with their writing.

[nangke]

What does the title mean? What is "Iragon"? Is it the setting of the story? A character? Some important artifact? And what portion of the full game does the demo represent?

The concern over stilted dialog and refinement are matters of nuance that I'm not sure the script is ready for, because it's got much bigger problems IMHO.

The interview scene and the meeting with Gintas: these two scenes set up the reader/player to think very little about Darick's fighting ability and basic competence. I guess there's nothing wrong with having a character start from the bottom, stats-wise and character-wise, but there's a drastic mismatch between the challenges we just saw him fail versus the challenges that call for much greater prowess once Darick decides to protect Paige. One thing you could do is give him a small win to prove that he's got a positive character trait that he can rely on. (BTW, I don't think the decision to save Paige should serve as this defining character moment; it should be something that defines Darick as an individual, whether he's in a relationship or not.)

One of the biggest problems with writing is that it's easy to generate ideas, but when it comes time to create the art assets and things for the player to interact with, you'll find yourself bogged down with lots of work with possibly little payoff. The description of the town sounds really intricate, but how much will it actually be used? Because the player is in town ever so briefly, and then put into the woods indefinitely.

At the same time, the script lacks detail where there should be a lot more. There's mention of a combat tutorial, and after what looks like one encounter, the player is given a camp area to upgrade health, mana, and spells. It also seems Darick is meant to battle skeletons and a demonic spellcaster on the way to getting Paige home... Is this a game where there's going to be a lot of combat and camping? I'm assuming that it's going to fill up most of the player's time between that meeting with Paige and the demonic spellcaster, but I had to go over the last couple of pages way too many times to figure out what the player is meant to be experiencing.

And about Paige and Darick, I have to wonder if this is going to be a lewd game? Because there's not much emotional or romantic development in their relationship -- in fact, there's a huge and fundamental deception at the center of Paige's understanding of Darick that gets glossed over immediately in favor of basically rewarding him with sex for just (presumably) fighting a lot.