How much narration is too much narration?

[GammaBreak]

I'm concerned about feeling like I need to describe too much in my visual novel.

A good example to look at is the opening of my game. It's just an inner monologue while a character is riding a bus on the way to school, three lines on three separate screens/clicks with a black screen and about 10 seconds worth of reading, if that. There is the sound of a bus playing over these scenes, and in the part immediately after, there's the sound of the bus doors opening and someone disembarking. The player (should) be aware this is a school-themed game from when they open it, and is monologuing about school, so my overall gut reaction is that there should be no need for a narrator to establish "you're riding on a bus on the way to school".

However, I still feel like this scene would also benefit from some kind of narration, leading back to my initial concern that I'm trying to narrate too much.

[fleet]

Is there a CG of the character on the bus? If so, no additional narration should be needed.

[parttimestorier]

I think that's a pretty subjective question! It's hard to answer without reading the scene in context, and even then, different people would probably have different opinions. Like fleet said, you definitely can just avoid narrating anything that's already obvious from the visuals if you want to, especially if you're trying to write something with a fast pace. You don't need to tell the reader that the character is on a bus if they can already see it. But I also don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with wanting to slow down the pace and give us a bit more insight into the character's thoughts. Maybe it would work well if you had the character's inner monologue talk about how he takes the bus every day and how he feels about it and what else he's thinking about as he rides the bus. It all depends on the style you want to go for!

[GammaBreak]

Is there a CG of the character on the bus? If so, no additional narration should be needed.

Nope, just a black screen and text box. I actually hired a writer to do a bit of work on this intro to guide me into it, and this was his solution.

I think that's a pretty subjective question! It's hard to answer without reading the scene in context, and even then, different people would probably have different opinions. Like fleet said, you definitely can just avoid narrating anything that's already obvious from the visuals if you want to, especially if you're trying to write something with a fast pace. You don't need to tell the reader that the character is on a bus if they can already see it. But I also don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with wanting to slow down the pace and give us a bit more insight into the character's thoughts. Maybe it would work well if you had the character's inner monologue talk about how he takes the bus every day and how he feels about it and what else he's thinking about as he rides the bus. It all depends on the style you want to go for!

Yes, definitely subjective, which is why I wanted to get a couple of opinions. I'll try this, maybe add another line or some inner thoughts like you said.

[rook17]

Also, lines of narration don't have to do just one thing. Narration that's just pure exposition gets dry fast:

"I'm a second-year student at Tree Academy. I'm riding the bus to school, waiting for the first day of second semester to start. And now, we're arriving."

I personally prefer narration that focuses on a key character trait, or tees up a story beat, and gets the factual exposition out along the way:

"You can hear the rattling stop when the schoolbus finally leaves the gravel roads and enters the city. It's all good pavement here. The bus is still mostly empty... most of the kids that go to Tree Academy get on at the next few stops, and don't even bother to talk to the few dirty kids in the back."

The sentence in the first example is just factual, it could tee up a hundred different stories with a hundred different characters. In the second sentence the story has already started, and you're still learning all the same facts that you did in the first example.

[anh0814]

It definitively depends on your pacing and style, like others has mentioned above.

If I play your game and see that scene where you describe the bus ride with both words and sound (or visual), then I would expect you to keep describing things in the same way throughout the game. Which to me, is just a stylistic choice (as long as I like your story)!

That said, I personally don't like lengthy descriptions! One or two additional sentences are okay; more than that and I tend to get bored.

I hope this helps!

"You can hear the rattling stop when the schoolbus finally leaves the gravel roads and enters the city. It's all good pavement here. The bus is still mostly empty... most of the kids that go to Tree Academy get on at the next few stops, and don't even bother to talk to the few dirty kids in the back."

I like your writing!

[Chungfriend]

Perhaps I'm the outlier and this is bad advice, but I personally almost never have my volume on while playing visual novels so I would be careful about relying on auditory cues to tell people what is going on.

I actually wasn't even going to put audio in my game but now you've got me rethinking it if most people do like the ambiance and sound effects.

[parttimestorier]

Perhaps I'm the outlier and this is bad advice, but I personally almost never have my volume on while playing visual novels so I would be careful about relying on auditory cues to tell people what is going on.

I actually wasn't even going to put audio in my game but now you've got me rethinking it if most people do like the ambiance and sound effects.

Most visual novels have a soundtrack and maybe some sound effects too. Developers are often putting a lot of thought into using that to set the atmosphere, so you might find that you appreciate a whole new element of visual novels if you start listening. But of course, you're right that relying on sound cues by themselves to give the players information can be a problem, since not everyone can hear or wants to have the sound on at all times. I've been working on learning more accessibility features like this caption tool to help with that! If you have captions available for the sound effects, then I think you can probably rely on them even more, because anyone who can't hear them can see a little description of them pop up to make sure they know what's going on too.