Lemma Soft Forums

I have read dozens of visual novels. In some, the same sentence structure is used many times. In others, it will change frequently.

Example 1:
She opens the door. She sees heavy rain pouring down hard on the sidewalk. She can barely see a few meters ahead. She grabs an umbrella and leaves her house. She is definitely going to be late again. She slowly walks to her destination in the terrible weather.

Example 2:
She opens the door. Heavy rain crashes down on the sidewalk. It's so dense she can barely see a few meters ahead. Scowling, she grabs an umbrella and walks outside. There is no way she will get there on time. The resigned frustration slows her steps more than the terrible weather.

Sometimes, I have trouble avoiding repetition in my sentence structure. I often find myself writing a comma in the middle of sentences like this: "While doing something, another event happens here." It is also difficult to balance narration with showing the inner thoughts of characters, especially in third-person perspective.

How do you vary sentences in your writing?

Since it's a visual novel, let pictures tell much of the story.

For your first example, use a CG to show your female character (I'll assume her name is Sarah) inside a house, looking out an open door where rain is falling. In your text (dialog) box have the following words in italics:
Sarah (thinking): I can't see beyond a few meters. Where's my umbrella?

Next, have a CG showing Sarah carrying her umbrella, walking in the rain. In your text (dialog) box have the following words in italics:
Sarah (thinking): I'm going to be late again, but if I run I'm likely to fall and get soaking wet.

Oh, those are great suggestions! I will plan to add more CG and character sprites if possible.

Also, I feel like you have to think more like a "screenplay" rather than a novel. More dialogue, less prose.