song critique requested

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arachni42
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song critique requested

#1 Post by arachni42 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 3:40 am

So, there is a short song years ago I wrote years ago, and I thought it might be useful in a VN credits screen or something. Maybe. It's vocal, no instruments, not really suitable for BGM. It's ~1:20 in length.
In any case, any thoughts are welcome -- the recording, the singing, the composition, the lyrics, its place (or lack of place) in a VN, anything that comes to mind.

Vocals with a medium reverb added:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9oiISk ... sp=sharing

Vocals with reverb + a distorting effect on it:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9oiISk ... sp=sharing

For critique purposes, the vocals only with no effects or reverb:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9oiISk ... usp=sharin

And these are the lyrics (spoiler-tagged if you want to listen first to critique enunciation):
there's an echo, just me here
i'm alone here, shadowed mirror
eyes and mouth dark, coma gray
my life's lone here, torn away

i can't see you
i can't hear you
i can't taste you
i can't touch you

allocate the agony
turning numb(er), binary
i can't read you
tear away the last feeling
Thanks!
Last edited by arachni42 on Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: song critique requested

#2 Post by TsukiShima » Mon Jun 17, 2013 8:39 am

Before anything, I want to thank you for all your advice for my problems before. I didn't reply you directly but I really did appreciate them! So in return, I wanted to help you as well.

I took some time to listen the vocals with the reverb and the distorting effect, since I considered that one as a more completed version as the others. Take note that I'm not a singer neither have any good sense in music, so please don't take me seriously.

The song is nice to me, but I feel that the flow is a bit awkward, but maybe it would fit the atmosphere of the story. I personally think that the song would be nicer if you paused or give some space in between, like before going into the chorus part "...I can't see you" to give it a more mysterious feel. Your voice is very soft and beautiful, and I really admire your pronunciation. Your pronunciation is very good, since I was able to understand each word! Your recording... Um, I'm not sure the exact term for this, but I could hear taking your breathe, so maybe you can edit it out? I'm not sure, but I noticed some professional artists that are actually short-breathed, but in their recordings, they were able to cover it.

So yeah, I guess that's it. Good luck!

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Re: song critique requested

#3 Post by Desu_Cake » Mon Jun 17, 2013 12:21 pm

The main thing I'm noticing is that it sounds like your very close to the mic, singing very softly. This means that I can clearly hear every time you take a breath, it also makes the entire thing sound very breathy, and makes it difficult to make out the lyrics. Try singing more loudly, and not directly into the mic.

The piece sounds very haunting, and I think the distortion effect definitely works best. The composition is very good, (Though I'm a sucker for repetitive pieces) and the lyrics (When I can make them out) are very good too.

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Re: song critique requested

#4 Post by dramspringfeald » Mon Jun 17, 2013 5:34 pm

Medium verb
yeah, quite breathy try singing while standing when you sing. though this would work well for

The voice is not bad but you feel like you are reciting the song. there is almost no emotion in it. Try singing it with your eyes closed... Seriously, it tends to help bring it from you not the screen.

Lastly, Get a band aid, cloth or sock and cover the mic with it. this should cut down on some of the pops. as well as drink a glass of water. Popping happens when your mouth is dry.

Also relax a bit you have a wonderful voice.

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the song itself, Try taking a longer pause between the versus. This is suppose to be a haunting song but you are taking it too quickly.
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Re: song critique requested

#5 Post by arachni42 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:24 pm

Thanks for the responses so far!

Breathing is not usually edited out; the singer (in this case, me) needs to practice making it less conspicuous. Thank you everyone for pointing that out. It seems to be worst in the chorus. I can definitely try spacing it out a bit more.

I had always imagined it with some sort of distortion, but I wanted to hear other people's impressions.

I was close to the mic because I was going for the timbre of quiet singing. However, I do want to balance that with having a full tone. Breathiness was on purpose, too, but I definitely want to separate that from breathing, which is distracting. I can definitely try a few different kinds of takes next time. And yes, I'll take the advice to stand next time and use a pop filter. Also, I really need to warm up next time.

I wasn't looking at the screen while singing; the mood I was going for was detached, melancholy, wistful, resigned. So I sang very evenly... perhaps I overdid it. After all, I don't want it to sound dead. What I will do when I decide to record again is try out some different approaches so I can get people's feedback on what's working best. Relaxing is always something I need to be reminded of, thanks! ^_^
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Re: song critique requested

#6 Post by unknown5 » Mon Jun 17, 2013 6:47 pm

arachni42 wrote:the mood I was going for was detached, melancholy, wistful, resigned. So I sang very evenly... perhaps I overdid it. After all, I don't want it to sound dead. What I will do when I decide to record again is try out some different approaches so I can get people's feedback on what's working best. Relaxing is always something I need to be reminded of, thanks! ^_^
pretty voice. i thought that was the effect you were going for because of the lyrics.

spoiler?
noticed these words in your lyrics: echo, alone, shadowed mirror, dark, coma gray, lone.
also these words at the end are rather interesting - is she a robot or something similar? hacker, computer-related? allocate, numb(er), binary, i can't read you
is there a certain character you had in mind while singing this?
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Re: song critique requested

#7 Post by arachni42 » Tue Jun 18, 2013 11:42 pm

unknown5 wrote:is there a certain character you had in mind while singing this?
Yes and no...

I actually wrote it over 10 years ago with something completely different in mind -- an online relationship. But I dug it up again because I'm writing about characters with cybernetic implants, and I thought it might be fitting. I changed a couple lines to make it less about romantic love (e.g. instead of "my life's lone here, torn away" it was "my love's lone here, still one way). But binary was in there from the start.

I don't think the spoiler is necessary; it's just there in case people want to see if they can actually understand the words from my pronunciation. (e.g. "Nice lyrics arachni42, but what does the word "hallocate" mean?")
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Re: song critique requested

#8 Post by unknown5 » Fri Jun 21, 2013 7:48 pm

arachni42 wrote:"Nice lyrics arachni42, but what does the word "hallocate" mean?"
oh, it's a multi-portmanteau! when Hal locates Kate and says, "Hallo,Kate!"
heh, i can never figure out lyrics anyway ...
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Re: song critique requested

#9 Post by Q-cah » Sat Jun 22, 2013 2:38 am

:D
Last edited by Q-cah on Sun Jun 23, 2013 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: song critique requested

#10 Post by pwisaguacate » Sat Jun 22, 2013 9:15 am

[temporary clear]

EDIT: Actually, at first I got offended upon seeing the word "cover" since it usually refers (at least I thought so) to a vocal fandub or new performance of the entire song rather than "insert bgm here". Q-cah did just that, inserting instruments with a strange 8 seconds vocal clip append in the beginning, and made no quick mention of what he/she has done other than "here's my cover to your song". I might've been just over-reacting. I don't know what to call it; I wouldn't call it a remix either.

One more thing, sometimes it makes me wonder when people don't increase the volume of their mic recordings to normal levels. I wonder how people even deal with that stuff.

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Re: song critique requested

#11 Post by konaa » Mon Mar 31, 2014 1:54 am

Not really a crit, but are you open to lending out your voice? I haven't gotten anything in mind, but I have a feeling I'll eventually want a song sung in the exact style that you've got got going. Besides, I'm a guy, and no one wants to hear men sing in anime.

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Re: song critique requested

#12 Post by MayPeX » Mon Mar 31, 2014 6:12 am

Nice clean recording, breathy but I feel it fits what you are going for. The distorted effect with a cut off the low end fits a sort of eerie tone. The vocal melody it self feels like a nursery rhyme, very conjuct in it's movement.

You also have a nice voice.

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Re: song critique requested

#13 Post by Asceai » Mon Mar 31, 2014 6:25 am

konaa wrote:Besides, I'm a guy, and no one wants to hear men sing in anime.
Unless you're creating a song for a mecha VN and you can get the rest of JAM Project to back you up.

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Re: song critique requested

#14 Post by PurpleMind » Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:41 pm

I liked it. Reminds me of Blade Runner and Vangelis' score. Would be really nice to hear it with music! You have a really pleasant voice, ma'am.

EDIT: The distored version reminds me of Dead Space. Amazing.

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