Li'l Red [V1.2 released]

[Donmai]

No feedback. I guess everybody is too busy now (NaNoRenO ends in 0 days, 03:54:40 ... and counting).

[fioricca]

Finally downloaded your demo and played the game! I'm so happy that I wasn't disappointed in it at all. The writing was simple and child-like, it felt a little unpolished, but it did not detract me from the wonderful, wonderful visuals of this game. I love the storybook feel the GUI induces, I love all the different views of the forest you provided so everything meshed well together, and I love the plot twist at the end! A story about a good wolf, that's really cute. I must admit, I'm curious as to how you prepared your graphics -- I'm just dazzled by them. Would you care to share a tip or two? *_*

[Guest]

Donmai I can't believe I'm just finding out about this. It looks absolutely beautiful, I'll play it tomorrow when I get home.

[ririruetoo]

Post above is me, I didn't realize I wasn't logged in. (^_^; )

[Donmai]

The writing was simple and child-like,

Thanks! That's what I was intending to achieve

it felt a little unpolished, but it did not detract me from the wonderful, wonderful visuals of this game.

Yes, being a non-native English speaker, this will always be my biggest problem. I am waiting for a proofreader before I release the final version.

I love the storybook feel the GUI induces, I love all the different views of the forest you provided so everything meshed well together, and I love the plot twist at the end!

Wow! That was intentional, too. I am glad it worked for you!

A story about a good wolf, that's really cute.

Well, one of the endings make us think better about this ...

I must admit, I'm curious as to how you prepared your graphics -- I'm just dazzled by them. Would you care to share a tip or two? *_*

I cheated, of course! One day I will tell the truth! Rest assured the graphics are really mine. I used an arsenal of tricks I created through the years, working as an illustrator with incredibly ridiculous deadlines.

Thank you again for your precious feedback!

[Donmai]

Donmai I can't believe I'm just finding out about this. It looks absolutely beautiful, I'll play it tomorrow when I get home.

Oh! Finally you have come! Thank you!
I'm waiting for your always timely criticism.

[Ran08]

Oh yay! Another VN from Donmai!
Downloading right now! So excited to play this~

[Donmai]

Oh yay! Another VN from Donmai!
Downloading right now! So excited to play this~

Hi Ran! I hope you won't be disappointed! I am desperately needing some criticism.

[arachni42]

Yes, being a non-native English speaker, this will always be my biggest problem. I am waiting for a proofreader before I release the final version.

Well, I played through it today. I don't have time tonight to write up my notes, but I will in the next couple of days.

Overall, though, I thought it was very enjoyable. Generally, your English was fine; mostly my comments will be fine-tuning. I loved the backgrounds and the atmosphere. Just wanted to let you know!

[Donmai]

Thank you, arachni!

[pwisaguacate]

Bravo! I feel Li'l Red is among this year's NaNoRenO's better works, especially with everything done by a single person. There is something more to the smooth image movements and the music and artwork that create some sort of an atmosphere of folklore: the story telling. (Sorry, I am not able to explain myself thoroughly.)

The original Little Red Riding Hood: a girl walks through the woods, meeting a wolf along the way, to visit her grandmother. The wolf goes ahead to eat her grandmother and also eats the girl when she arrives. The end. Moral: wolves are cunning and little girls shouldn't trust strangers because they gon' get--.

Donmai tosses the average fairy tale style out of the window and tells the story in a different manner. The two interchangeable endings were a nice touch.

The text definitely wasn't Engrishy but appeared more... "olden literature"-like? After all, it is based off 17th century literature. There are still spots in the grammar to be fixed; I will address this in my next post.

[pwisaguacate]

I think I have shuffled (some will say "messed") the narrative elements a little. They are all there: the girl, the wolf, the hunters, the ol' lady ... but who is bad? Who is saving who? And ... who is eating who?

Beware of my English (no proofreaders till now).

1. I personally did not have any issues distinguishing between characters. The dialogue and text colors alone were sufficient. (Nice job.)

2. Charles Perrault's name was misspelled as "Perraut" in the credits. Also, I don't think it's much of an issue, but I'd put quotation marks around "Homo hominis lupis" to make it quickly understood that it's a quote by the guy's name below.

3. In scenes that used exclamation marks, exclamation marks were abundant, maybe too many. In the English language, there should be no spaces before an ellipsis at the end of a sentence/phrase.

4. The use of the word "already" at the end of sentences with a comma before it is not correct. "You have been sent here to become the new Priestess of the Moon, and because of this you have [already] endured a severe trial [omit]!"

"[omit] The girl must have blossomed into a woman[omit comma] already." OR "Now the girl must have blossomed into a woman [omit]." In this sentence, think of 'already' as a substitute for 'by now'.

5. Note: a comma and a conjunction such as 'and' after it are used to conjoin two complete sentences (main clauses). "A creature of the night has been sacrificed, and [the] heart and blood of that creature were put on the altar, especially for you." The second part without 'the' wouldn't be a complete sentence on its own. Likewise, "This will bring great strength[omit comma] and strong desire to overcome any adversity." doesn't require the comma.

"You came here alone through the forest[comma] and[omit comma] if you managed to get this far, it was only thanks to the maternal protection of Mother Moon!"

(There are certain times when there may be a comma after a conjunction word; these aren't normal conjunctions. For example, "Mixing these two potions creates a special potion but, if done too quickly, may explode." Here ', if done too quickly,' could be removed and the sentence would be stand-alone.)

6. Minor plot dent? Before either ending, it is the wolf who says "I ran here, to this sacred clearing. Males are forbidden to come here, but I did not care! I wanted my daughter back!" However, why is the human father reluctant to tell the story to his son? Sure, they will never see her again, but she became Priestess of the Moon, not ripped into pieces.

[Donmai]

Wow! Thank you so much pwisaguacate for your great comments! I will start working on that issues right away!

It's funny, my biggest trouble was discovering how to write the title. I have seen people writing Lil, L'il, Li'l and even Lil'. I have opted for the most common way to write the title of this song:



Yes, I admit the reasons the human father had to not tell the story to his son when he was younger are more subtle, and I just could not find a way to make them more clear without extending the story too much.

In the beginning of the story he says that it was "because it is a sad and very disturbing history." What makes the story disturbing (by a human being's point of view)? It is not difficult to conclude they were living in a matriarchal society, where women took all important decisions. The son seems to feel absolutely comfortable with this, but the father refuses to accept this situation. Remembering the night his daughter left home without telling him makes him sad, and the fact that she has become Priestess of the Moon is not a relief for him, as she has just become the symbol of the feminine "opression" he cannot live with. It is important to notice that it seems he and his daughter were very close and liked each other too much. The way the girl see a protective father figure on the wolf and on the soldier is suggesting this. Now, she and her father will never again see each other, and that's what put her down every time the wolf (who also become her father) disappear. So, the father never wanted to tell the story to his son simply because he just did not want to talk about those things.

And maybe he just believed that telling a story about hungry wolves and cruel witches to a young child wasn't a good idea.

[saguaro]

Donmai, you covered a lot of bases in this game and it's really solid for a single-dev Nano release. I liked the story and the storybook feel, and I appreciated that you used transitions and transforms to add visual interest. Once you have an editor proof the script and tighten up the prose you'll be in good shape.

I liked the music without the vocal elements the best, I found the vocals a little distracting. There is a lot of ambient noise when Red first meets the wolf, running water plus birds, maybe less is more.

I liked the wolf father ending, the human father ending was definitely the weaker of the two. I'd actually recommend cutting the human ending and focusing on the wolf one, FWIW.

[Donmai]

Thank you saguaro! And thank you for that cookbook! Your comments are very appreciated!

I believe the human ending is necessary because we have a tendency to read the story imagining that a human is the narrator (even if it is entitled Li'l red – A Wolf's Tale). The wolf ending is intended to be a surprise. When the father start his narration he is talking about some creatures: "They are ugly and stinky, they pollute the water with their droppings and they exterminate the animals we like to hunt." Who would imagine, at that point, that those creatures could be human beings?

Edit: Yes, I agree about the ambient sound. Maybe only wind/rustling leaves would be better.