Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

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Recruiting Rules: (1) Only recruit if you have an actual, clearly defined project you're recruiting for. Don't recruit if you're an organization that may have a project at some time in the future. (2) Tell people what kind of work you have for them. For commissions, also tell them how much work it will probably be. (3) Tell people how much work on your project is already complete. (4) Always open recruitment threads in the correct subforum - Free, Commercial or Paid Work.
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Katta
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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#16 Post by Katta » Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:02 pm

No, MC is a blond-haired girl or guy from the first post, the gender is choosable, so her (and a blue-haired girl) is the librarian.
MC works as librarian's assistant. The mage says that he wants to prepare a surprize for the librarian and he needs MC's help to distract the librarian and you shouldn't tell the librarian about him, because he wants to remain a secret admirer. (well, actually he wants to steal some pages from the ancient books)

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#17 Post by Ferdokki » Tue Nov 19, 2013 2:15 pm

Katta wrote:Thank you for writing the scene!

I seem to be doing something wrong, that people keep thinking that I need screenplay))) when in fact the story episodes will be the same as a visual novel - yes, with first person narrative, inner thoughts and all actions described as in a book.

All in all the dialog is pretty nice, especially the Generic Shopkeeper Face) but I'm looking for a bit more elevated style, for now their speech is a bit too simple/casual, what do you think, can you make their speech more refined?


Sure! Sorry on my behalf for the misunderstanding. :cry: I'll redo that bit and send it in to you, hopefully by tomorrow (I have a research paper to finish for tonight).

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#18 Post by Katta » Tue Nov 19, 2013 3:04 pm

No, sorry, it's my fault for being not clear enough. Thank you, will be waiting!
Btw you can also contact me by e-mail katja_m_a@yahoo.com or skype katja_m_a

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#19 Post by RunicV » Tue Nov 19, 2013 3:15 pm

Here! It was a bit long, since I didn't use only dialogue, and kind of slowed down the pace to make for easier reading and fit with the library setting. I can also work with no dialogue, or move things more quickly. Please tell me if there's anything that needs editing or fixing. (It's also paragraphed, since I thought it might be easier on the eyes.)

Mage: "Oh, MC. You're the clerk?"
MC: "Huh?"
I look up from the paperwork to see the familiar face of Mr (Mage).
MC: "Sir! Yes, I am. Forgive me for being unaware..."

I clear my throat and push the paperwork to one side.
MC: "Good afternoon. May I help you, sir?"
Mage: "I wish to borrow these tomes."
He hands me a small selection of books and I begin to note them down accordingly in the register.

Mage: "...Hmm, I didn't know you worked in the library. What a fortunate turn of events."
MC: "I have an interest in books, sir, and I wanted to better my people skills."
Mage: "How diligent. You never cease to go the extra mile, whether it's with your assignments or in refining yourself."
MC: "Thank you for the compliment, sir."

I quickly finish matching the books. It's not an easy job, but I've gotten the hang of it.
As I do one final check to ensure everything is in order, Mr (Mage) speaks again.

Mage: "MC, could you do me a favour?"
That's a sudden request. My eyes betray my curiosity as I stare at him.
Mage: "I want to surprise Ms (Librarian), and it will take a bit of time to prepare my gift for her. But I don't want her to know the gift is from me. I wish to remain a secret admirer."
He casts a sidelong glance at Ms (Librarian).
Mage: "Could you please hold her attention? Just for a few minutes."

I don't comprehend right away, my mind still stuck at the secret admirer part.
Mr (Mage) gulps a bit, his eyes flickering between Ms (Librarian) and me.
He's really nervous. I'm not sure what to do. It's such a sudden request, I can't be sure that whatever he's planning is strictly legal.
I think I...

-...should help him out and distract Ms (Librarian). [Jump to YES]
-...should not help him. [Jump to NO]

YES:
I hesitate for a split-second, steeling my resolve.
MC: "Very well, sir. I'll help you. Two minutes is all I dare to give you."
I get up from my seat, and he looks relieved as I walk off to talk to Ms (Librarian).
As I approach her, she turns to me.

MC: "Ms (Librarian), I wasn't sure about this part in the register... The code this book has doesn't match with any code here."
Librarian: "Are you sure you that you have checked it thoroughly?"
Librarian, forgive me for lying...
MC: "Um, I did but was unable to find a match."
She sighs a bit, and turns over the tome in her hands, inspecting it with utmost precision.
Then she frowns and as expected, points to a part of the tome that is marred by a burn.
Ms (Librarian): "I believe you must have missed out this part?"
MC: "Oh! Yes, that must be it! Thank you so much, Ms (Librarian)!"

She shakes her head in bemusement, and turns her attention back to the shelves.
Well, that was it. I hope Mr (Mage) accomplished whatever he wanted.
As I take my seat at the counter, I see a small parcel in Ms (Librarian)'s part of the desk.
I hand over the tomes to Mr (Mage), who gives me an awkard smile before exiting.

I wonder if I made the right decision?

NO:
I hesitate for a split-second, steeling my resolve.
MC: "...I'm sorry, sir."
His whole face drops and he looks downcast.
I scramble to think of a suitable reason for rejecting his request. Where are my people skills when I need them?

Mage: "Helping you would mean I am slacking on my job. It is the rule to give your all in your work."
He sighs, and shakes his head.
Mage: "I suppose it was a tall order after all."
MC: "Once again, I'm dreadfully sorry."

MC: "Anyway, here are your books. Please return them by the due date. Failure to do so, damaging or altering the books will result in a penalty. Have a pleasant day."
He walks off with his mood noticably lower than when he approached me.

I wonder if I made the right decision?

<3
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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#20 Post by Katta » Tue Nov 19, 2013 4:45 pm

Thank you so much! And you've done it so fast, I'm truly amazed.

I like it, the "my mind still stuck at the secret admirer part" being especially funny. But I still think the style should be a bit more elevated, with a bit more elaborated speech. Especially this part looks too simple: But I don't want her to know the gift is from me. I wish to remain a secret admirer - he should be more subtle about it. Though I have mixed feelings here, since it corresponds with the funny part later).

The first paragraph looks too simple too, with oh and huhs and MC is too nervous, better throw it out completely and the first sentence of the second too. I also think MC shouldn't use sir so often, if ever. I don't want MC to be some shy diffident flower who jumps when being talked to, like in most Japanese VNs. (S)he also shouldn't be stupid to find talking with people and library job difficult. Maybe it can help if you imagine MC to be a guy instead of traditional Japanese girl.

...Hmm, I didn't know you worked in the library. What a fortunate turn of events. - this sentence is just perfect for the plot!!!

He casts a sidelong glance at Ms (Librarian). - this one is also really nice, as he wants to pretend he's in love with the librarian.

Mr (Mage) gulps a bit, his eyes flickering between Ms (Librarian) and me. - hmm, he should be nervous but that seems a bit too much or maybe I find gulp and huh unfitting for high fantasy...

I can't be sure that whatever he's planning is strictly legal. - why would MC think that? (S)he should think that it's against the rules (so that would be the only reason needed to refuse him) but it won't do any harm and (s)he'll help a person in love (so that should be emphasized in the end, that MC hopes the librarian would be glad to find a gift and that they'll be together or something like that. The part I wonder if I made the right decision? seems to be a little generic and tbh overused in some VNs).

MC should probably also take the librarian away, she'd still notice the mage taking a book if she's just engaged in a conversation. Also a code systems seems too modern to me for them to have it. And a penalty one too (So this sentence is a bit too much: MC: "Anyway, here are your books. Please return them by the due date. Failure to do so, damaging or altering the books will result in a penalty. Have a pleasant day.")

I hope it doesn't sound too harsh...

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#21 Post by Ferdokki » Tue Nov 19, 2013 4:57 pm

I don't use Skype, so if you don't mind, I could email you if you prefer that instead of posting on the forum.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#22 Post by Katta » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:26 pm

Yes, I think it's better to discuss the text somewhere else (e-mail is fine) as it can become really difficult to comprehend and find useful information in this thread if we continue to do it here.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#23 Post by RunicV » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:34 pm

Just saw the latest posts! I've sent you a PM with my contacts and what I was about to post here.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#24 Post by Katta » Sun Dec 29, 2013 5:17 am

Still looking

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#25 Post by Omniknight » Mon Dec 30, 2013 10:41 am

Ferdokki wrote:Hi. :)

I wouldn't mind writing for free, but I have some questions first. :?:

When writing the script, do I have to include where the decision spots are made? For example, in the example script you gave, it showed the choices "GO TO 9.1" and "GO TO 9.2". I'm not all too familiar with Ren'Py coding, so if doing that for the script is required, I don't think I can take the position.
BUT, if you're the one embedding the decision branches, then it's no problem for me.

Also, when you do choose a writer/helper for the project, are you going to provide some sort of outline regarding how you want the story to progress, specifics of the story, and etc? Because I prefer to collaborate with the creator, and make sure you're getting what you want for a game you're working so hard on. :wink:

And last question, do you have any specific deadlines as to how often you want scripts/ideas due?
Sorry if this has already been answered in some way, but when coding for Ren'py you use a different type of code using menus and labels (not go to #.)

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#26 Post by Katta » Mon Dec 30, 2013 11:30 am

Omniknight wrote: Sorry if this has already been answered in some way, but when coding for Ren'py you use a different type of code using menus and labels (not go to #.)
Yes, it was answered already, it's not a Ren'py code, it's a writing sample, so it's just a form the writer chose to show branching routes.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#27 Post by Strawation » Wed Jan 15, 2014 8:31 am

Hi, I would like to help out as your idea is really interesting. Do you still need help as an ideabouncer or some small help in writing? I have done some writing for college but not in script form. Would you prefer that I send in a ready sample of my work or that I attempt in writing out a scene?

PS. I apologise in advance for any mistakes I make on first contact. I also wouldn't mind if you reject me since I am new to the forum.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#28 Post by Juneberry » Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:08 pm

I find your idea interesting as well, so I'd like to help if you still have room open for another helper of some sort. If your writing spots are full, that's fine of course- I can help with just bouncing ideas if you need. Either way, let me know if I can help. I hope things are working out so far. It's looking quite neat at the moment!

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#29 Post by Katta » Wed Jan 15, 2014 2:35 pm

Thank you for your interest! Sent you both pms.

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Re: Recruiting ideabouncer(s) and writer(s)

#30 Post by Dobuchu » Thu Jan 16, 2014 6:18 am

Oops. I kinda just pasted my examples here by mistake. Let me send you a PM. >//<

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