Looking for idea bouncer/editor/tester (closed)

[minyan]

*If you think you can do more than one or all of these jobs, that's great!

Hello! I'll be starting a new project after I finish my current one, and I'm just working on getting the outline fleshed out. I do have a completed outline, and there are five different possibilities for the ending. I'm thinking it's not going to be a long project. It's going to be slow going, as I'm writing, and doing all the art, so it might be a long process. I'm looking for people to bounce ideas off of and help me make the script really pop. I'm not much of a writer, so I need all the help I can get. xD

I'd really like people who are:
- creative
- communicative (if you can only reply once a week to messages, then I'm sorry, I'm looking for someone else!)
- passionate about the idea (please read the outline/character blurbs through before saying you can help and decide if its a project you can get behind!)

I'm building this from the ground up, and there's not much to it yet. I'm looking for people willing to stay around until the end. Also note that this is a free project, so I'll be working on it pretty casually. I won't ask much of you at any given time, so it shouldn't take out a big chunk of your schedule.

Idea bouncer's job:
- Listen to ideas, help decide if they'll work, if they need more development, if they're just crap
- Help come up with new ideas (I won't harp on this too much, mostly I'm just looking for someone to let me know when I'm going down just a completely wrong path)
- Assist in coming up with a few gameplay elements (Again, don't worry if this isn't your forte, just need someone to let me know what's working and what's not working)

Editor:
- Correct grammar
- Assist in formatting scene elements (for example, this scene works better after this one, etc)

Tester (This job won't be needed until I start up on the art and start putting everything in renpy):
- Check for coding errors

Info:

More will be added as I develop everything.

Title: To Be Decided

Characters:
Blake
A woman who's given up on most things in life, and at twenty-four has ended up largely a failure. The only friends she has to speak of are either criminals or acquaintances she doesn't actually trust. She has no official job, no money, and a horrible temper. She doesn't like being touched, skin on skin contact makes her flesh burn.

Appearance: short, choppy black hair, light blue eyes with bags under them. Looks unhealthily skinny.

Noah
A ruthless assassin who is little more than a rumor to most. People know him only by reputation as the man who killed the king. He kills without remorse and tends to distance himself from society despite craving companionship, as his lack of social skills makes it difficult for him.

Leo:

Clay:

Scarlett:

Kale:

Maid:

Francis:

Real driver

Guard for Kingdom 1:

Guard for Kingdom 2:

Setting:
Has ranged from high medieval fantasy to sci-fi, right now I'm thinking somewhere between the two. A high amount of political corruption is involved and the two major kingdoms are constantly trying to drag each other down.

Structure:
This is a VN, but there are also a sort of Phoenix Wright like investigation sections as well.

Basic Plot:
Blake has a vendetta against a powerful woman of nobility, Scarlette, who was married to her childhood friend and unrequited lover before he died. As her life starts to crumble around her she decides that since she's got nothing left she wants to see this woman dead before ending her own life. She begins searching out the fabled assassin who murdered the king to do the job.

A detective is investigating the death of said childhood friend, Clay. Everything points to murder but there have been no leads yet. He starts finding clues that point him towards the murdered mans wife, Scarlette, as the culprit. But in digging deeper he might find the true murderer is someone entirely different.

The player will alternate between Blake, and Leo.

Outline (Rough Draft):
this is pretty long so I'm putting it in spoiler tags
Sorry, the formatting is a bit weird, I copied and pasted it straight from my word processor.

Outline rough draft: 2786 words, 48 bullets

Blake is running away from her apartment complex with an unknown man calling after her. She narrowly avoids escape and detection by law enforcement. She’s sick, coughing.

Introduces Kale, whom she goes to visit, asking information about a famed assassin who killed the King about a year ago. All he knows is that he has an identifying mark, the scar on his left hand. She hears all he has to say then begins her search.

She heads to the third tier, essentially the poor district of the kingdom, and eventually finds the assassin Noah in a seedy little inn, correctly pegging him as a man wearing gloves. She tricks him into removing them, and then requests his help.

He flashes a knife and threatens her without others noticing, leading her up to his room under duress.

//switch//

• Leo is informed that he’s put on recent case: the killing of Councilman Clay Banks.

• Goes to evidence and see what has been gathered so far.
◦ bullet with unregistered serial number
▪ Have been unsuccessful in finding the gun
◦ bloody clothes
◦ photos of the crime scene
◦ trash from the garbage cans in the alley
◦ a profile on Scarlette, his wife
◦ a profile on Clay, the murder victim
▪ Time of death: 10:34 PM
◦ a profile on Francis, Clay’s driver and the last person who saw him alive.

• Questions the police who investigated the scene.
◦ Asks about the state of the body.
▪ There were no signs of struggle.
▪ They couldn’t find any identifying marks on him, not even his wallet.
◦ Asks about the crime scene.
▪ Completely clean.
◦ Asks about the person who found the body.
▪ A store owner who went to take out the trash. 

• Goes to investigate the crime scene. 
◦ Doesn’t find anything of importance.
◦ Questions the owner of the store- the person who found Clay’ body. 
▪ He saw Clay get out of his car, but also said he’d never seen him there before.

//switch//


Blake gives Noah the money she stole from her landlord, and tells her that she wants to hire him. He immediately refuses, but changes his tune after she says she can get him a false ID and get him past the border. He agrees.

Blake takes Noah to Kale, who grudgingly agrees to make them new identities.
Player can customize both of their ID’s, changing their names and birthdays. Maybe hair color

They stay the night with Kale, and Noah asks why Blake wants this woman dead. She says that the woman is responsible for the death of a loved one.

In the middle of the night the guards come, looking for Blake.
Player can choose where to hide and how to react. Outcomes:
Kale lives, the guards leave and they leave shortly after.
They’re caught, Noah kills one, and Kale is caught in the crossfire. They escape. + chaos

//switch//

• Goes to question Clay’s wife, Scarlette. He decides to question the maid first after she lets him in.
◦ What happened the night of the murder?
▪ Clay went for a drive, and then Scarlette went out too. 
◦ Did either of them say where they were going?
▪ No.

• Scarlette questioning:
◦ Where you and your husband close?
▪ Of course, we were married.
◦ Did your husband have any enemies?
▪ He’s a councilman, there’s always someone complaining he’s not doing his job right.
◦ Where were you the night of the crime?
▪ I was at home.
▪ A maid said you went out.
▪ Oh, did she… well, I did go out for a short while, but then I came back. I bought some new nail polish, see? I believe the receipt is somewhere in my purse, if you absolutely have to see it.
▪ Do you mind?
▪ … -goes to get polish-

• While she’s gone, Leo snoops around.
◦ Leo’s wallet in desk drawer. 
◦ Drug cartridges in bathroom trashcan underneath the cabinet.
◦ Correspondence between Leo and someone unknown.

• The player can take Leo’s findings straight back to the station, or confront her there. Her receipt says she bought the nail polish at 8:03 at a place not far from the house.
◦ Wallet confrontation: She claims he left it at the house and she put it away there for when he returned. 
◦ If confronted about drug cartridges, she claims they probably belonged to a servant.

◦ Asks Leo to leave.

• On the way out, you can either go out the front door, or snoop around a bit. 
◦ Snooping, you can investigate Clay’s office.
▪ Letters to someone unknown
◦ Out the front door, you can question the maid:
▪ Do you know any servants that do drugs 
▪ Not to my knowledge sir.
▪ Were Scarlette and her husband close?
▪ Clay seemed happy at first, but as time when on they got into more and more arguments.
▪ Did Clay have any enemies? 
▪ His driver wasn’t very fond of him. He’s not here today though, its his day off. 
▪ How long were Clay and Scarlette married?
▪ Only a few months.

//switch//

Blake and Noah travel through the city through night and morning, and find an inn to stay at. During the night Blake is woken by a furious Noah who found a gun in her bag, assuming she planned on hurting him. She confesses that after he killed Scarlette she planned on killing herself. He gets rid of the gun and says if she really wants to die, he’ll do the honors himself when its time.

At the train station the next morning, they buy tickets towards the border. They’re accosted by guards, however.
Player can choose how they escape. Outcomes:
They evade the guards and board the train
Noah kills the guards and they board the train + chaos

Someone on the train calls security, and they have a brief chase through the compartments, but are eventually forced to bail out. They jump out while the train is traveling over a bridge, and land in the water below. Their supplies are ruined.

They find a house a ways away belonging to a kindly man who offers them food and shelter.


//switch//

Branch 1 (don’t know that driver disliked Clay):


• Return to the police station and turn in the evidence. 
◦ The police analyze the handwriting on the note and find it’s not Scarlette. 
◦ Scarlette’s fingerprints are on the wallet.
◦ There’s a picture of Scarlette inside that’s a little torn, as if someone started ripping it then stopped. 
◦ Scarlette’s DNA are on the drug cartridges.

• Questioning the driver.
◦ Ask about the night of murder.
▪ Clay instructed me to drop him off at the location.
▪ Did you follow orders and leave afterwards?
▪ Of course.
◦ What is your job exactly?
▪ To drive Clay where he wants to go and keep the alcohol in the back well stocked and the gun clean.
▪ Gun? 
▪ Yes, Clay instructed that there be a gun kept in the glove compartment. He was in unsavory neighborhoods often.
◦ Ask about Scarlette’s relationship with Clay
▪ Scarlette was deeply unhappy. They were fighting more and more every day.
◦ Did you notice anything strange the night of the murder?
▪ No. …But when I was cleaning out the car the day afterwards, I did notice the gun was missing from the glove compartment. I didn’t think too much about it at the time.
◦ Did Scarlette often use the car?
▪ No, she has her own. 
◦ Did you ever see her around the car when she shouldn’t have been?
▪ What are you implying? I think you should go.


• Returns to police station to report findings.
◦ They decide to bring the wife in. She had the means (missing gun) motive (unhappy marriage, Clay was potentially cheating on her as evidence by the note in his desk), and time (she wasn’t at the house that night).
◦ They go to the car to investigate it for clues.

• Go back to the house, and question the maid again. 
◦ Did Scarlette have access to Clay’s car? 
▪ Yes, she was often in the garage. 
• Did Scarlette ever go to the garage even on the driver’s day off, or when he wasn’t there?
◦ Um, maybe… yes, yes I’m sure of it.
Branch 2 (know that driver disliked Clay):


• Investigate car
◦ Extra gun cartridge.
◦ Empty alcohol bottle in back.

• Return to police station and turn in evidence. 
◦ The police analyze the handwriting on the note and find it’s not Scarlette. 
◦ Scarlette’s fingerprints are on the wallet.
◦ There’s a picture of Scarlette inside that’s a little torn, as if someone started ripping it then stopped. 
◦ Scarlette’s DNA are on the drug cartridges.

• Question the autopsy person. Clay had a small amount of alcohol in his system when his body was found, but not enough to indicate he drank a whole bottle. Leo takes this to meet he wasn’t meeting with anyone dangerous, or wasn’t anticipating meeting anyone at all.

• Go to driver’s house and question him.
◦ What was your relationship with Clay?
▪ I was his driver.
◦ Did you have any negative feelings towards Clay?
▪ I didn’t feel that he was true nobility. He comes from a poor family in an awful part of town and yet associates with the higher borns as if he were worthy. I disapproved of the company he kept, friends from his old neighborhood. He often visited them. That’s all. 
◦ Did you keep a gun in the car?
▪ Yes, upon Clay’s insistence. 
◦ What happened the night of the murder? 
▪ Clay instructed me to drop him off.
▪ Did you follow orders and leave afterwards.
▪ Of course.
◦ What is your job exactly?
▪ To drive Clay, keep the alcohol restocked, and the gun clean. 
◦ Was Clay a heavy drinker?
▪ No, he only ever drank a bit. He kept the bottle in the car to impress any higher borns who happened to ride with him.
◦ How did the bottle get empt then? 
▪ Well… he must have drank a lot that night.
◦ Did he seem drunk when he got out of the car?
▪ I wasn’t paying attention.
◦ Had he ever gotten dropped off at that spot before?
▪ Oh yes, many times.
◦ Then why would the owners of both business report never having seen him before?
▪ Er, well perhaps he never entered those particular stores.
◦ What was the address he gave you?
▪ I… all right. I… wasn’t actually driving that night.
▪ Lying to the police is a crime.
▪ Yes I know. But disclosing my true location would be neglecting my duty of keeping the safety and privacy of the masters of the house. I… was with Scarlette, that night.
▪ So that’s where Scarlette went. Well if they were with each other, then Scarlette couldn’t have been the killer.

• Who was driving? 
◦ I asked another servant to take my duty that night. I wasn’t expecting him to actually go anywhere, it was already late. 

• Question the real driver.
◦ Did Clay know you weren’t his normal driver?
▪ I’m not sure, I don’t know if he saw my face. It was dark. 
◦ What did he tell you to do?
▪ He told me to take him to this place and drop him off there, come get him in the morning.
◦ Did you follow those instructions? 
▪ Yes, that’s all I did. 
◦ Did he seem drunk when he left the car?
▪ I don’t know. He was walking straight.
◦ What happened to the rest of the alcohol?
▪ …All right, after he left, I may have indulged myself. I got out for some air, and decided to do a little spying. Whoever Clay was talking with, they sounded angry. Clay started sounding desperate so I ran back to the car to get the gun I knew was there. I wasn’t thinking straight. I went to try and help, but when I showed up with the gun Clay punched me. I dropped the fun, ran away, and that’s all I did, I swear. 
◦ Who was he with?
▪ It was a woman. It’s kind of fuzzy… she had black hair, I think. Real small.

• Return to station and report findings. The police go and question people to see if they remember anyone matching that description. No one who saw Clay mentioned the girl, so she must have been there a while. 
◦ One of the store owners says it might be one of his regular’s, a woman named Blake. 
◦ They find her in the system, and start searching for her.
◦ One of the forensic technicians finds her DNA on a tissue that was in the garbage in the alley. 


//switch


In the night, Blake awakens to find Noah killing the old man. His argument is essentially they can’t take any chances.
The player can wither agree with him or disagree. Outcomes:
Reluctantly accept his reasoning, and open up the friendship/romance path.
Disagree entirely and begin the rival path.

They loot his things, hide the body, clean up, and leave in the morning. They spend the night outside and spend a little time getting to know each other.
Player will have a chance to further the friendship, romance, or rival path.

They reach the next town, and take a car the rest of the way to the border.

Once they reach the border they need to decide their story.
Player can choose how they go through. Outcomes:
They claim to be engaged and enter through, but one guard grows suspicious. He follows them out, and Noah kills him discretely. + chaos
They pretend not to know each other and go through the line several dozen people apart. They make it through with little fuss.

They rent an inn room and stay there for the rest of the day.
Player will have a chance to further the friendship, romance, or rival path.

//switch//

Branch 1:

• The police find Scarlette’s hair in the car, and her fingerprints on the glovebox. 


• They take Scarlette in.
• Leo reflects, growing a little more jaded. If scenes are inserted about his home life, can tie things off here.

Branch 2:
• They look for Blake, and it’s found that she’s actually already being pursued by the police. She fled her apartment complex the night before after stealing from her landlord. 



• The search begins.

//switch//

Noah and Blake reach Scarlette’s house, and Noah stakes things out to monitor guard movements, and find the best entrance.
Player can decide how they investigate. Outcomes:
They are spotted by a few guards, and Noah has to kill them. Because of this Noah rationalizes they have to do it tonight, else when they find the dead bodies they will increase security. ++ chaos
A servant spots them, and Noah kills them. But they have now discovered a servant’s entrance that will make it easier to enter the place. Because of this Noah rationalizes they have to do it tonight, else when they find the dead bodies they will increase security. + chaos
They aren’t caught, and have to decide how to infiltrate the house. Noah says they should do it tomorrow, when they have more night. They return to their inn room, but find it swarming with law enforcement. They hide through the night and morning, then return the next night to complete the job.

Noah breaks in and Blake plays the part of lookout.
Player decides how the operation proceeds. Outcomes:
Blake is caught, and reluctantly divulges their plan after she is roughed up. They capture Noah before he can do the deed. ++ chaos
Noah is caught before he can enter Scarlette’s room. + chaos
Noah enters Scarlette’s room, but she’s not inside. When he tries to leave, he’s captured.

Blake and Noah are transported to the dungeons.
Player will have a chance to further the friendship, romance, or rival path.

Blake and Noah arrive at the dungeons.
Depending on Player choices up to this point, there are three endings.
If chaos is seven or over, they are executed.
If chaos is four five or six, their execution is scheduled and they begin planning their escape.
if chaos is three or below, the King hires them to join his task force, feeling he can use their skills.

What I currently have for the first revision:
> Time: 12:39 AM. Place: Deseraux Renting Inn.
Blake, a young woman with a boyish figure and a cough is running down a flight of stairs, stairs that lead up to a seedy looking renting inn. A man is calling after her, she carries a large satchel under one arm that seems heavy. She bolts down empty cobblestone roads under the cover of a dozen busted streetlamps. Blake takes a sharp turn into a narrow alley and throws the satchel into a cart of straw, burying it deep. She then moves across the alley and opens a barrel filled with some sort of alcohol. She climbs inside, and replaces the lid. She waits. A short while later, the sounds of sirens and shouting can be heard moving down the street she just came from. A guard through the alley, searching for her. After sticking a sword in the cart of straw, the guard keeps moving. Blake waits a little longer, then climbs out of the barrel, shivering in the night air. She retrieves the bag and checks inside, satisfied that its contents are still in good condition. She starts walking carefully, crossing the street and staying in the shadows as she moves to her destination. The wetness and cold is making her cough worse.
Menu:
“Find someplace to sleep for the night”:
Blake keeps moving until she finds a gate with a symbol painted on the door. After she knocks, a voice behind it asks for the password. She responds with ‘six rounds’. The gate is pulled open, and the woman behind it expresses surprise upon seeing her. Blake asks to stay the night, and the woman says that she can’t, that after the police started following her trail they’d been instructed to cut all ties. They argue for a little, but ultimately she’s turned away. She wanders more until she finds a secluded alley, sleeping there until morning
“Keep moving”:

If you're at all interested, please reply here, PM me, or contact me via email at reedermin@yahoo.com. Thank you very much! Anyone who helps will definitely get a mention in the credits and I'd be open to either designing a character after you, or using one of your own designs for a character.

[ladynamoru]

Hello and good day, My name is Mish (ladynamoru)

Are you still looking for help on your project?
If yes, then I would like to volunteer.

I haven't done a game that I can call my own but I have experience in making vn
(since I previously help a friend before )
I was previously in charge of making Text boxes, choosing the right music, gui, cache, coloring, cleaning and even writing some parts of her stories ( literally I'm ALL the help she gets XD)
Heck, I even encode most of the data in ren'py.
She thought that since I'm working as a Data Encoder, it means I'm faster in typing than her lol (That reminds me.... to charge her for free dinner the next time she make another vn)
If I can work with someone like her, I don't think that Ill have problems working with other people in their vn's.
I can't promise to reply every minute but I think I can reply everynight, unless I was busy

What I can offer?
I can be your Idea Bouncer or something. In fact I have some major to minor comments about your character

Major thing
First your Main char
1. Blake's name is definitely a guys name so it will CONFUSE most readers about her gender (*unless it was intentional to confuse them)
I suggest to change her name OR make the name "Blake" as a nickname

*If the name is intentional, you need to explain "why in hell her parents gave her that name?"
A good excuse could be that:
" Her father is expecting a BOY so they plan to name it Blake.
But ... her Dad was disappointed when she was born.
So her mother decided to still name the child Blake to console her husband"

2. Its good that you make her sound like realistically human.
(I could easily imagine a person like her in real life)
But you forgot... "she IS the Main character"
Her life is a failure...
Her views in life is BORING, (why else did she want to commit suicide?)
In short, even if your plot is good, people wont like her as a character.
Unless, you made her stand out
example:
Yes, she is a failure now but once in her life she is intelligent, hardworking, nice and... beautiful.
(Think about a type of person that you will like or idolize personally)
The reason she is a failure now is because she is bullied before by girls who are jealous of her
With the constant bullying, low self esteem, lack of confidence, she becomes the Blake we all know
(With the world being unfair to her, she might be liked if she retains her purely nice attitude)
remove her intention for committing suicide. Make her want to kill the bitch herself and she seeks the famous assassin because she want to learn "how to kill without being caught"

Nothing will make a reader reads than to see a Main character striving to achieve a goal no matter how evil it sounds than to read a story about a Main char, searching or waiting for an assassin to do her work for her

3. Alternate between two chars might confuse some people
Suggestion:
On the beginning of the game ask the player to choose between the 2 set of characters that they will be playing.
Example:
I play as Blake as the main character some details on the story doesn't make any sense but it happen.
And that detail and happening can be explain in Leo's path and vice versa.

It means there is a sense of continuity in the game that will make it interesting
since everything was match like a puzzle.

comments about minor stuff.... soon lol

Good points
The plot is interesting, who doesn't love detective stories? lol
I could imagine Noah to be a popular char to viewers
Aside from the parts I mention, everything is good so keep it up

[minyan]

Hello and good day, My name is Mish (ladynamoru)

Are you still looking for help on your project?
If yes, then I would like to volunteer.

I haven't done a game that I can call my own but I have experience in making vn
(since I previously help a friend before )
I was previously in charge of making Text boxes, choosing the right music, gui, cache, coloring, cleaning and even writing some parts of her stories ( literally I'm ALL the help she gets XD)
Heck, I even encode most of the data in ren'py.
She thought that since I'm working as a Data Encoder, it means I'm faster in typing than her lol (That reminds me.... to charge her for free dinner the next time she make another vn)
If I can work with someone like her, I don't think that Ill have problems working with other people in their vn's.
I can't promise to reply every minute but I think I can reply everynight, unless I was busy

What I can offer?
I can be your Idea Bouncer or something. In fact I have some major to minor comments about your character

Major thing
First your Main char
1. Blake's name is definitely a guys name so it will CONFUSE most readers about her gender (*unless it was intentional to confuse them)
I suggest to change her name OR make the name "Blake" as a nickname

*If the name is intentional, you need to explain "why in hell her parents gave her that name?"
A good excuse could be that:
" Her father is expecting a BOY so they plan to name it Blake.
But ... her Dad was disappointed when she was born.
So her mother decided to still name the child Blake to console her husband"

2. Its good that you make her sound like realistically human.
(I could easily imagine a person like her in real life)
But you forgot... "she IS the Main character"
Her life is a failure...
Her views in life is BORING, (why else did she want to commit suicide?)
In short, even if your plot is good, people wont like her as a character.
Unless, you made her stand out
example:
Yes, she is a failure now but once in her life she is intelligent, hardworking, nice and... beautiful.
(Think about a type of person that you will like or idolize personally)
The reason she is a failure now is because she is bullied before by girls who are jealous of her
With the constant bullying, low self esteem, lack of confidence, she becomes the Blake we all know
(With the world being unfair to her, she might be liked if she retains her purely nice attitude)
remove her intention for committing suicide. Make her want to kill the bitch herself and she seeks the famous assassin because she want to learn "how to kill without being caught"

Nothing will make a reader reads than to see a Main character striving to achieve a goal no matter how evil it sounds than to read a story about a Main char, searching or waiting for an assassin to do her work for her

3. Alternate between two chars might confuse some people
Suggestion:
On the beginning of the game ask the player to choose between the 2 set of characters that they will be playing.
Example:
I play as Blake as the main character some details on the story doesn't make any sense but it happen.
And that detail and happening can be explain in Leo's path and vice versa.

It means there is a sense of continuity in the game that will make it interesting
since everything was match like a puzzle.

comments about minor stuff.... soon lol

Good points
The plot is interesting, who doesn't love detective stories? lol
I could imagine Noah to be a popular char to viewers
Aside from the parts I mention, everything is good so keep it up

Hi Mish, thank you for your interest! As for your thoughts about Blake, she's not really supposed to be that likeable character that you want to be. Shes always made bad choices and here she's hit rock bottom, by killing her once best friend in a fit of rage. The point of the story is so that she grows /into/ someone more confident, and realizes her life is worth living through this journey. I won't necesarily say she becomes a better person, because depending on player choices she might end up with a lot of blood on her hands.

That's why she doesn't neccissarily 'stand out' right now. I don't think I've really portrayed her growing process well in the outline, but it should get better in the next revision and I'm still working on it. thank you for your thoughts!

Blake is a unisex name, and I'm not sure she needs a backstory for it, but I'll gather some more thoughts and see what people think. Some girls just have names that sound like guys names, without their parents having wanted a boy, you know? xD I also like the meaning behind it. It can mean 'black', which is devoid of color, it's emptiness. Like she is at the beginning of the story. It can also mean 'white' which is every color, sort of symbolizing her transformation.

I like your idea about letting the character pick which route they play through! That might make things a bit less confusing as you've said. I'm glad you like Noah!

Also, I like your idea about Blake wanting to kill Scarlette herself. In the original drafts that was actually an idea I was playing around with. I'm not sure if it would work with the story as I have it now but I'll keep working on her goals to see if I can make them more interesting.

I'm still working through on character development in the story, so bear with me on that! I saw your PM and I'll reply to it as soon as I get a chance. ^^

[Meyismyname]

I'm more than happy to edit. The story seems interesting (although I didn't read the entire outline yet), and I love murder mystery type things (especially if you're inspired by Phoenix Wright!). I love proofreading for spelling and grammar, and I'd be happy to give my opinions on scene order and such!

I can also be an idea bouncer if you need more than one.

[minyan]

I'm more than happy to edit. The story seems interesting (although I didn't read the entire outline yet), and I love murder mystery type things (especially if you're inspired by Phoenix Wright!). I love proofreading for spelling and grammar, and I'd be happy to give my opinions on scene order and such!

I can also be an idea bouncer if you need more than one.

Awesome, thanks! Things will be kinda slow for a while as I work on finishing up my other project currently, but I've been steadily working on revising and fleshing out the outline. Once that's done I'd love to get your thoughts on it, and having you proofread once I get farther would be great!

[ladynamoru]

ok copy. Its a pleasure to work with you.

I saw your reply, I've research the meaning of her name after I comment so I agree that it is a fitting name for a main char.

There is no problem in making a "not so likable character" in the beginning.
(heck, I even read tons of novels that have an annoying char but I still end up enjoying reading it till the end XD)
Character Development must make her stand out so that's important.

I've also saw Arena Circus and it looks promising.
(I wanna play it so, update me if its done )

[Meyismyname]

I'm more than happy to edit. The story seems interesting (although I didn't read the entire outline yet), and I love murder mystery type things (especially if you're inspired by Phoenix Wright!). I love proofreading for spelling and grammar, and I'd be happy to give my opinions on scene order and such!

I can also be an idea bouncer if you need more than one.

Awesome, thanks! Things will be kinda slow for a while as I work on finishing up my other project currently, but I've been steadily working on revising and fleshing out the outline. Once that's done I'd love to get your thoughts on it, and having you proofread once I get farther would be great!

Sounds good!

[candy99xox]

Actually, I really like the fact that the main character is a failure in life (at least in the beginning) People can relate to that feeling and seeing her grow through the story will be really rewarding for the player.

You said that the player can choose her path, like if she ends up a "better person" or with blood on her hands, which is really interesting. Just make sure that we see how she will end through the story (like reacting differently to a certain situation.)

From what I understood the main character isn't supposed to kill Scarlette herself ? Maybe the player could choose between hiring the the assassin or killing her herself ? Personally, I think that it would be really interesting if Blake killed Scarlette herself. Otherwise, the plot seems really interesting, I can't wait to see more of it !

[minyan]

Actually, I really like the fact that the main character is a failure in life (at least in the beginning) People can relate to that feeling and seeing her grow through the story will be really rewarding for the player.

You said that the player can choose her path, like if she ends up a "better person" or with blood on her hands, which is really interesting. Just make sure that we see how she will end through the story (like reacting differently to a certain situation.)

From what I understood the main character isn't supposed to kill Scarlette herself ? Maybe the player could choose between hiring the the assassin or killing her herself ? Personally, I think that it would be really interesting if Blake killed Scarlette herself. Otherwise, the plot seems really interesting, I can't wait to see more of it !

I'm glad you like it so far! Someone else suggested to me that Blake kill Scarlette herself, and I'm toying with the idea of having the player choose her motivation- finding the assassin to hire him, or finding him so he'll train her so she can kill Scarlette. It would require a lot of additions in the script which is the only reason I'm hesitating, since this is supposed to be a fairly short VN xD But, because it is short adding another route shouldn't be /too/ much of a hassle.

I'll definitely add in Blake's reactions to situations/options for replies changing depending on user choices too. Thanks for the suggestions!

[Meyismyname]

Hahaha I completely forgot I posted here!

I'm more than happy to edit. The story seems interesting (although I didn't read the entire outline yet), and I love murder mystery type things (especially if you're inspired by Phoenix Wright!). I love proofreading for spelling and grammar, and I'd be happy to give my opinions on scene order and such!

I can also be an idea bouncer if you need more than one.

Awesome, thanks! Things will be kinda slow for a while as I work on finishing up my other project currently, but I've been steadily working on revising and fleshing out the outline. Once that's done I'd love to get your thoughts on it, and having you proofread once I get farther would be great!

Sounds good!

[minyan]

Me too! I've changed the story a lot since then though xD