City Pulse (working) [Kinect Novel] [Slice of life] [Drama]

Because less is more: Noncommercial games of < 1 hour playtime and < 2 month development time.
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Dreamweaver
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City Pulse (working) [Kinect Novel] [Slice of life] [Drama]

#1 Post by Dreamweaver »

Hi, there! I'm pretty new to this whole Ren'py thing, but we all gotta start somewhere, right? Well, I dabbled a bit with the engine to try to make something to "showcase" my writing. Now, I'm not the best writer in the world — I know I could sure use some improvement — but I just wanted to try something real quick just to see what I can do.

However, I suppose "work-in-progress" is the wrong thing to call my project. As of a few days ago, I sort of gave up on it due to a balance of simply not having my writing "measure up" — so to speak — as well as a lack of artistic ability. In layman's terms, I suck horribly at writing, and even more so as an artist.

That being said, what I'm hoping by posting the unfinished project here, is if you guys could take a look at my writing and give me some critique as to what I'm doing wrong, and maybe what I'm doing right. Instead of doing traditional kinect novel assets (various character sprites with various emotions), I tried to do something more akin to a storybook — for a lack of a better description — in order to better convey how I want a "scene" to "look," but as I mentioned numerous times by now, I really didn't have the artistic ability to attempt something like that.

Anyway, I wrote a six chapter story codenamed City Pulse, which is a short story revolving two central characters: Tetsuya and Brianna. Tetsuya is a nice kid caught up with the wrong kind of woman, and this is a short story about some of their time together. Chapter 1 is first chapter that was meant to be the entire story, but I liked the characters enough to keep writing more content, and eventually ended up with six chapter's worth. There's also supposed to be a 7th chapter that would've detailed Brianna's origin story — and explain some aspects of her behavior — but I didn't know whether it would "mesh" well with the rest of the story. Speaking of which, Chapter 3 also doesn't feel entirely necessary to me, so I think I should've taken that one out.

Anyway, some things I wanted to mention. The first half of the story takes place out of chronological order: it's supposed to be Chapter 2, Chapter 3, then Chapter 1, before the rest is in order. I did this in order to dole out information about the female character, Brianna, in a way that you get to like her before you actually get to know her. I wanted to subtly "suggest" that Chapters 2 and 3 takes place before Chapter 1 by using drawings, but I failed on that front. >^<

Additionally, while the writing for the story is pretty much finished (I mean, it could certainly use some work, but the framework, plot, and structure is finished), only Chapter 1 has any images at all. As previous mentioned numerous times, I suck at drawing, so I gave up halfway. There's also no choices in my story. It's not because I couldn't code some, it's more of the idea that I'm trying to start small. There's also no music because I didn't want to use anything that wasn't mine.

Anyway, I suppose that's all that there is to say. I put the file that has the game available for download, and I'm hoping to get some feedback. Please try to critique the actual writing itself: I know I suck at drawing, I know there's no choices, I know there's no music... but please try to focus on what I hope to be the only, possibly redeeming, quality I have.

Also, if this is the wrong board to post this, I apologize. This is my first time in the forums, and I'm awfully nervous about being torn to shreds. >^<
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warmsundae
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Re: City Pulse (working) [Kinect Novel] [Slice of life] [Dra

#2 Post by warmsundae »

Hey, that's great that you did this! I'm interested in the story, so I'll go play it right now.

just little things, for one: "the sounds of the sitcom are" would read more easily as "the sound of the sitcom is"
"He looks at the bright white screen, then curls a side of his lips." the second part of this sentence is pretty awkward, since it's not a common phrase. though I can see what you mean.
but I'm not gonna correct every single sentence you wrote weird, because you could probably spot them yourself.

Tetsuya and Brianna's first conversation makes for a really great first impression.
(heh, Tetsuya gets embarrassed easily.)
gosh, the characters are really good! they're really distinct and builds a solid personality in my mind.

huh, "Goddess"? I guess I don't really mind it, just that it seems a bit misplaced because it's in a realistic setting similar to our world.

It's nice that it starts in what's chronologically chapter 2, but it doesn't hurt to specify something like "one year ago" when you're starting chapter one.

overall? I really liked it. there were a couple more technical errors, but the plot, characters, flow and transitions were done really well. except for
at the end, when Brianna confesses her love for him, things start to get a little choppy? or maybe I just felt weird because I didn't expect Tetsuya to change his mind so quickly.
oh, and you really should add that this is m-rated.

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Re: City Pulse (working) [Kinect Novel] [Slice of life] [Dra

#3 Post by Dreamweaver »

First off, thank you for taking the time to read through it! :D
warmsundae wrote: Tetsuya and Brianna's first conversation makes for a really great first impression.
(heh, Tetsuya gets embarrassed easily.)
gosh, the characters are really good! they're really distinct and builds a solid personality in my mind.
It means a lot to me, more than you know, to hear that my characters and dialogue are likable! I was hoping that they would make someone engaged!
huh, "Goddess"? I guess I don't really mind it, just that it seems a bit misplaced because it's in a realistic setting similar to our world.
It's just a little quirk of mine. I know it can distracting, but it's something that I'm hoping is a recurring "phrase" in my stuff. Plus, I try not to offend people by saying God in vain.
overall? I really liked it. there were a couple more technical errors, but the plot, characters, flow and transitions were done really well. except for
at the end, when Brianna confesses her love for him, things start to get a little choppy? or maybe I just felt weird because I didn't expect Tetsuya to change his mind so quickly.
I tried to subtly convey that Tetsuya was "drugged" when Brianna told him that she loved him, which explains his reactions and actions in that moment. I also tried to show that Tetsuya didn't truly want to leave (he said he called his parents, yet the scene before shows that his phone was out of batteries), he just needed a reason to stay. Being "convinced" that this was "love" sealed the deal for him.
Other than that, if it feels choppy, does that mean the scene was too fast?
oh, and you really should add that this is m-rated.
Sorry, I didn't realize we were supposed to say what age group this is for. I don't believe I saw anyone else note it in their treads.

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Re: City Pulse (working) [Kinect Novel] [Slice of life] [Dra

#4 Post by warmsundae »

I tried to subtly convey that Tetsuya was "drugged" when Brianna told him that she loved him, which explains his reactions and actions in that moment. I also tried to show that Tetsuya didn't truly want to leave (he said he called his parents, yet the scene before shows that his phone was out of batteries), he just needed a reason to stay. Being "convinced" that this was "love" sealed the deal for him.
Oh! Now I feel dumb for not getting it :P I did think he made up his mind about
leaving her
really quickly, but I just assumed.
Other than that, if it feels choppy, does that mean the scene was too fast?
actually, I might've used that word wrong. Never mind that, I was just confused.
Sorry, I didn't realize we were supposed to say what age group this is for. I don't believe I saw anyone else note it in their treads.
eh, yeah. I was only a bit surprised and didn't mind as much, but I know some people would like a warning when it comes to adult stuff.

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