Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

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DaFool
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Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#1 Post by DaFool » Fri Nov 09, 2007 5:18 pm

I've been thinking that anime, comics, and games have been pretty much my religion for the past couple of years, since I've been more devoted to it than anything else.

People say you should date and marry within your own religion, but if both of you are not so devoted, then you'll be compatible.

But there are several issues to consider:

As an self-proclaimed otaku, I realized there are certain things in me which are f**ked up. Being on the anti-social side of the scale is only the beginning. The fact that I look at 'cartoon porno' is already something considered totally deviant. There's nothing much I can do about it except get out to have fresh air once in a while.

What does this mean? It means another otaku would make twice the f**ked up-ness. For example, i've read some blogs of otaku and while things seem nice and friendly just like with any eloquent otaku blog, I sense a hint of something's not quite stable with the person. I'm sure you realize that already with my posts as well.

Nevertheless, I know it's hard to be in a relationship if you don't share a lot in common with the other person. And if anime is a big part of your life, then naturally you would expect it to be a big part of the other as well.

It seems several of you may be in relationships with non-otakus. Granted they may tolerate or even appreciate anime (I think that's pretty much a given if they are to live with you), but definitely seem like they don't fully share in their SO's hobby, only parts of it. Perhaps this may be the best thing?

Or can otakus and non-otakus be likened unto people of different races in a relationship? Meaning, there is attraction in there being differences? But perhaps in the end, you'd go with someone / something you're comfortable and familiar with?

Well, in the end, it may just end up with a question of getting that "hot girl" or "hot dude", which pretty much cuts out a lot of self-proclaimed otakus. For example, if I just took the effort to fix myself I might approach Kosaka's level. Might even snatch a Saki if I only try. But that's not me, because it would go against my personality to like glamorous stuff. And moreover I am turned off by glamorous behavior.

So I think I'm like Tanaka, more or less. But I'm still hoping to get an Ohno, but I currently don't know any. Heck I may be too old for the fandom already, since I hail from the days of Akira and VHS fansubs. There are, however, plenty of Sakis, since my office is next to a call center. (My workplace, on the other hand, has like, 7 women out of 30+ employees since I've been in male-populated environments ever since I can remember.)

Anyway, I don't want this to be yet another rant of another lonely otaku who needs to get a life. On face value, I'm like the typical salaryman who spends too much time in the office (actual productivity might actually be meager due to activities such as, ehrm, posting on message boards). I just need hints and suggestions and analysis so I can put what I want into better perspective, thanks.

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#2 Post by papillon » Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:59 pm

I could never be involved with a non-geek. I came quite strongly to that decision after being in a gaming group at university with someone who found it necessary to lie to his wife to sneak out gaming without a fight (and always had to leave early, too).

So. My current boys are required to understand my needs. They don't have to come to every game with me. They don't have to like every show that I like. They don't even have to play the games I'm writing, although I pout a little about that. But they have to be geeky enough to appreciate why I like things, and to be happy to let me run off and DO them, and to listen to me talk about them.

I don't think it's really necessary for your partners to be diehard otaku, but I would suggest avoiding anyone whose approach to anime was "You mean kids cartoons?"

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#3 Post by Blue Lemma » Fri Nov 09, 2007 8:53 pm

I don't think it's a good thing or a bad thing, really. From what I've seen, what's most important in a relationship are core values like integrity, desired lifestyle, attitude toward spending/saving money, etc. Hobbies aren't so important, as long as each person doesn't have objections to the other's (or others' in papillon's harem? =:-O :P ) My parents have been happily married for over 30 years, and they share very few main interests. My mom enjoys crafts and sewing, and my dad is into stocks and a bunch of random stuff. However, he'll take her to craft stores and stuff like that. It's sweet ^^ They watch movies together, go on walks, and have those types of basic interests in common. Pretty much anything that lets them spend time together. It makes sense. Would it be easier to get along long-term with someone who had vastly different moral standards than you and who you couldn't fully trust? Or someone who had similar attitudes and beliefs but liked to go do yoga instead of watch anime?
Of course, different hobbies can be a problem if someone is against them. I've known people who've had relationship strain because they didn't like their partner hunting and bringing back dead animals, for instance. Similarly, I'd have a tough time long-term with someone who was against computers or thought anime was a stupid waste of time (it's a fun waste of time! :P ) If everyone can be at peace with the other person's activities, different hobbies can work out :)

Just my thoughts and observations ^^
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#4 Post by Deji » Fri Nov 09, 2007 9:29 pm

I've had 3 long-term relationshops.
My first boyfriend was good-looking, smart, polite, helpful, reliable, good at sports, even religious... you name it!
But the guy wasn't interested on what i liked.
I'd spend 5 hours on a drawing and he would just nod and wouldn't like to hear about the process or see me drawing.
He, on the other hand started taking engineerings at college, and he would talk to me about the equations and problems he got on a teest and I would just nod.
We shared morals and values, but at the end of the day, it was frustrating that the other wasn't interested in what we liked the most, no matter how a wonderful person the other was.

My second relationship was with a college classmate. He liked anime and drawions as much as me or even more, and we had a lovely time together... but the guy was so dependant on me and he would never give me feedback... he wanted me and me only and ugh.... =_=;
I met my third boyfriend via Ragnarok Online. We met at a meeting on my city of people who played on the same server. H was into anime and games more than me even, and we had a realy good time getting to know eachother and sharing alike tastes.I didn''t like some things he liked as much and he didn't like some things I liked as much, but we learnt to be tolerant and get interested on the other's interests and share the things we have in common. We've aquired some other things we got to like together and we accept eachother's "weirdness".

We are not that much of an otaku ourselfes, thou, but I think that you MUST have a good share of things in common and even if you don't embrace the same goals or dreams or don't share the same passion, you need to be tolerant and learn to be supportive and be open to like your partner's passion, even if in the end you are not as passionate as them.
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#5 Post by Counter Arts » Sat Nov 10, 2007 12:02 am

Man... it's going to be tricky for me.

I am definately an otaku but I also do stuff like ballroom dancing, weightlifting and meet up with friends.

So someone who likes one of my hobbies may really dislike another one.

Oh well.
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#6 Post by DaFool » Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:14 am

Seems to be a case of "Too Cold!", "Too Hot!", or "Just Right!"...

Too Cold: Totally alien to ACG fandom
Too Hot: Too deep into it (maybe just like you), but it gets to be too much.
Just Right: Casual to moderately serious fan.

Of course regardless I value honesty and integrity above all else. But if you think about it, the fandom is a lifestyle. It isn't just a hobby, because all those figurines you collect and all those conventions you go to and all that hentai you watch will affect the place you live and the available time you have. It isn't a tame hobby after all like stamp collecting.

Maybe society is just geared against those who are really passionate about their hobbies and call them obsessive. I'd rather call them 'professional hobbyists', since they're far more useful than those into it just for the money. For example, if you have a problem and google for it, the advice given for free by a forum-goer can be more applicable than the stock answer given by someone whose day job is to field questions all day long.

I used to be the type of person whom anyone can watch movies with and can appreciate any genre. That made me a good movie buddy.

But recently I have really narrowed down my tastes into niches. You won't find me watching horror movies anymore, unless it's in Japanese and subtitled. You won't find me watching B-movies or generic action flicks unless it's based on a video game(hmmm maybe that's more movies than I think LOL). It's similar with anime. I don't watch anything shounen anymore. Even with seinen, it has to be either slice-of-life or visual-novel-based for the most part. Of course, some studios like Gainax, Bones or Production IG have me watching everything regardless. And I pick only the ones in shoujo and josei which appeal to me. If you think about it, how will that intersect with a die-hard yaoi-only fangirl? It won't intersect, and theres the problem. I find myself having to "de-niche" a bit by consuming other items just outside my area of interest.

Unfortunately, de-niching doesn't work for me with regards to video and computer games. Due to lack of hardware, lack of broadband at home, and lack of any modern gaming console built in the 21st century (past the year 2000), I'm mostly out of the loop when it comes to mainstream PC games, online games, and anything Xbox/360/PS2/3/Wii/DS/PSP -wise. Maybe it was just inevitable that I would stumble upon visual novel and doujin games -- they are easy on the hardware or can be taken home from work on a USB disk.

LOL... I'm veering way off topic now... what I meant to say is that simple non-geeky things like
* watching a concert
* watching a blockbuster movie
* going indoor rock-climbing
...I don't think I would be spending much time in those kinds of things. So the issue of "sharing time together -- what do you do?" is important when one or both of you are really into niches.

Well, having said that, having a good dinner is pretty much a standard available activity anytime!

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#7 Post by Adorya » Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:28 am

Densha Otoko killed Akihabara :evil:

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#8 Post by DaFool » Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:50 am

Adorya wrote:Densha Otoko killed Akihabara :evil:
Akihabara resides in our hearts. 8)

Really, I know more about the place (thanks to the internet) than I do about my hometown, or the neighborhood I'm currently residing in, even.

But yeah, it's usually the people and stores they run that make the place. I'm sure when the fad dies they will go away after the next trend. The problem is that the original stores won't come back. :(

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#9 Post by papillon » Sat Nov 10, 2007 11:07 am

Too Hot: Too deep into it (maybe just like you), but it gets to be too much.
Has anyone actually reported that as a problem?

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#10 Post by Counter Arts » Sat Nov 10, 2007 2:11 pm

Adorya wrote:Densha Otoko killed Akihabara :evil:
It was a calculated attack by the "Take over the world" market of Otakus. It is their objective to spread Akihabara throughout the world.

And now Zac Efron is being suspected for being an otaku who visits Akihabara as much as he can.
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#11 Post by Nafai » Sun Nov 11, 2007 12:26 pm

I think that similarity of interests helps, but what really matters is that you and your partner are really into making the other person happy.

I find clothes shopping to be... a difficult proposition at best. But it makes my partner happy, and hence it makes me happy when we go out on mall excursions because I get to see her smile, even if the activity itself doesn't do anything for me.

Similarly I can easily spend 5 hours in a good bookstore, and while she's not quite as avid a bookworm as I, my partner is happy when she sees my face light up in the presence of multitudes of unread tomes, and she always tries to make sure I get to pass by a bookstore when we're at the mall, even if I'm sure at times it bores her.

That kind of vicarious happiness and understanding, plus the willingness to *try* to sample things/activities your partner loves (which can result in an appreciation of the thing/activity) every now and then, can be the foundation of a strong relationship, however different your hobbies may be. :)
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#12 Post by chronoluminaire » Sun Nov 11, 2007 1:19 pm

Nafai wrote:I think that similarity of interests helps, but what really matters is that you and your partner are really into making the other person happy.

That kind of vicarious happiness and understanding, plus the willingness to *try* to sample things/activities your partner loves (which can result in an appreciation of the thing/activity) every now and then, can be the foundation of a strong relationship, however different your hobbies may be. :)
Yeah, I'd agree with this. A considerateness, lovingness, humility, and depth of character are more important than any specific interest.

I'd also agree with papillon's earlier comment, that she couldn't date a non-geek.

For me, there was always a certain minimum geekiness required, but after that, the specific expressions of that geekiness might not be the same as mine. So when I got together with woodpijn, we were both into maths and board games; I was into anime, manga, and computer games; and she was into linguistics.

Since then, I've got into linguistics because it's such fun with her, and she's rediscovered a computer gamer streak that she used to have as a teenager. And we don't watch/read anime or manga together, but I still read lots of manga on my own, and watch anime with friends.

But I don't think it would be a problem to get together with someone with exactly the same interests as you.
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#13 Post by musical74 » Fri Nov 16, 2007 3:08 am

I've been giving this a lot of thought...

I think it would be OK for me to marry a non geek SO LONG AS she understands why I like games and Animes and gaming forums, and doesn't do anything to stop it. But if she were to do all that, I guess she'd have to be somewhat geekish too...it's been ny experience that, generally speaking, those that accept said traits also HAVE a few of those traits.
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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#14 Post by monele » Fri Nov 16, 2007 5:25 am

If you're passionate about a hobby, it might just be all about finding someone who's also passionate about a hobby. Maybe for you it's cosplaying, maybe for her it's gardening. As long as you're both honest in realizing that both hobbies are valid, I think it's ok... If one goes "it's okay to garden, but cosplaying is for kids!", then you have a problem.

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Re: Is it recommended to date/marry a fellow otaku or non-otaku?

#15 Post by Otaku Dash » Sun Nov 25, 2007 1:03 pm

Had a long composition with my opinion written before.. but decided it would be too personal and too detailed ^^; Anyways to sum what I wrote before and deleted it.. I only had 2 serious relationships.. my first was a stalker... and my second... well let's say I ended up heartbroken due to the fact she asked me to marry her after a deep relationship... then dumped me for a physical relationship with the excuse she loved us both and she didn't want to hurt me anymore (long range relationship... me in portugal she on Uk). I now I kinda lived a fairy tale on it... but still... someone that wants to marry you and after I fought so much for her... anyone would have a bad time. She dumped me in the middle of my exams 1 day before 1 year and 4 months.. and 2 days later she called me saying the guy kissed her and she kissed him back and they started dating... meh ^^;

And yes.. that was the reason behind my long hiatus.. I said it was uni but this helped being unable to recover for 3-5 months ^^; Luckly I found a guy that loved anime and manga on my uni.. and I found loads of wonderfull people with the same tastes and similar likes as me. I inda lived the Otaku side alone till so little time ago...

Anyways... in the end it ends up to loving someone for what they are.. not for what they are like or what they do. The key is understanding and mutual gain and learning... try new things and enjoy life toguether... I want someone with similar tastes, but I don't want to marry myself if you know what I mean ;) = P

In the end.. love is important.. yeah it complets you, but it isn't everything in the world... the more you hold a person tightly.. the more they will want to escape. If there is one thing I loathe more in this world.. is seeing how decandent "love" has become... romance is past and there are more and mroe people on the "chew and let go" way... having sex and dumping people... feelings are important and they should be respected. It's easy for someone to say "I love you" and go with hugs and kisses.... but when you trully care, it's easy to know the diference between a fake kiss and a "True" kiss"... that's why I have something I always say: "Words are easy... feelings are eternal".

I still wait for the woman of my life... till then, I'll do what I do best... care for those and love and care.. my friends and family =3
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