KN: Love Like No Other [Draft + Screenshots Up]

[Nellie]

Hi all,

I feel guilty creating a new post for something as minor as this, but I'm hoping someone would be interested to help me beta read my story script! For a first project, I restrained from making a religious based story.

Just a brief summary; the story will be based on a young mother, who when showered with Mother Day's gifts from her daughter, remembered her past with her own mother. Slice of life with a slight twist. This will probably be around 10-15 minutes read, around 4000 words.

With my terrible aesthetic skills, I managed to put up a (terrible excuse of) a menu - all three main characters (young MC) are featured. These sprites have not been finalised and are subject to chances, however.

Hope that'd be enough to attract anyone's attention to beta read my story! (Warning, expect lots of grammatical errors) I'll add in another push... How about a chibi as a 'thank you' token? XD

Story:
Nellie

Art:
Sprite by Blue Forest
Background graphic by Kyu Kyu Kyu no Q no Q; Mao Space
Customising and modifying by Nellie

Theme Songs
Opening Song
Love Found Me by Susan Krauter

Ending Song
Love Like No Other by Bob Forbes

Sound Effects
Incomplete list currently

Beta readers
broken_angel
TJ


That's chibi me!


Regards,
Nellie


[EDIT - 22/10/2010]

Finalised design for MC attached. MC's daughter's design was finalised too but because the only person I showed to said she looks ugly... I decided not to post it in the mean time >_<

[EDIT - 24/10/2010]
So I played around with photoshop and Pinnacle Studio and made an opening video... Noob video from a noob maker... Yay!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HQOSNr4ou8

And... broken_angel has finished beta reading my script! So I'll be going ahead and trying to get the KN done! Weee~

[EDIT - 26/10/2010]
Version 1 is up!! Hurray for my very very very first KN albeit it being in a total mess! FEEDBACK PLEASE! I'll love you for it xD

Statistics:

The game contains 250 screens of dialogue.
These screens contain a total of 3,248 words,
for an average of 13.0 words per screen.
The game contains 0 menus.

To do list:
1. Learn how to time the BGM timing... It's totally messed up but I really can't find out how to do it!
2. Edit the living room BG art to include party props
3. Learn how to zoom in on the house exterior BG Still can't do this
4. Learn how to zoom in and out for the

heartbeat effect

Same as above, still can't zoom properly
5. Make CG for two parts of the story

Leon and Beatrice with cake + Ad and Beato tending to mum's cut

Not doing this anymore
6. Make a better title screen (music, customization, redesign with new character arts) Working on one, hopefully good enough!
7. Responding to feedback and debugging
8. Learn from mistakes
9. Learn to make a better opening/intro. (And closing if necessary)
10. ... Love myself for taking the first step in making a VN! xD

EDIT 07/1/2010
New and finalised version should be up soon (a few days?)... It will not be perfect, but I don't think I will work on it any time soon. Thanks for all your support! =D

Specific Feedbacks Requested:

In addition to any flames you can think of ^_^;;

1. If the story bores you
2. Is my story writing style too confusing (ie does my English s*ck)
3. Would you be interested to read of my stories (KN or VN)

*cheers*

Download Links
Linux - http://www.mediafire.com/?7u8jw5taj8wt2lx
Mac - http://www.mediafire.com/?5dn58j19qqqfakm
Wins - http://www.mediafire.com/?mvjuu48ym9q0rhb

[broken_angel]

That's actually a really pretty main menu. Certainly better than anything I could do. xP
The sprites are beautiful, too!

I'd love to be a beta reader. C:
I'm one of those crazy people who actually have fun proof-reading others' works.
Just PM me the script or whatever. :3

[sn0w255]

If you're willing to gimme a linux pack, I'll read your beta.

[DaFool]

You should really customize at least the main menu with imagemaps. That title screen with those sprites really don't deserve the plain blue roundrect treatment.

[Nellie]

@broken_angel: Yay, thanks a bunch! I'll add in some background information and PM the script right away! (And also my specific concerns!) PM me a character you'd like me to do a chibi on too! (If you want)

@sn0w255: Eiks... Linux pack? I haven't actually put the script, or essay, into the ren'py programme yet. Still playing around with the demo and listening to Eileen's instructions! T_T

@DaFool: I would try to... But I have nil knowledge on customising currently... On a side note, I do think the blue roundrect menu is quite cute

EDIT - I've uploaded the script in megaupload. Word document. Can't attach it here >_< Would be grateful to anyone willing to beta read for me. I shall promise a chibi to another beta reader!

EDIT - Found my beta readers! =D



Thanks.


Regards,
Nellie

[Eken--Death]

I'd love to beta read!
I love your(?) artwork! SO PRETTY! And the menu is nice, the story is nice and simple, it's great!
Send me the script?

[Nellie]

@Eken--Death - These character sprites are by Blue Forest. I'll PM you the script!

So while waiting to hear back from (any of) my beta readers, I decided to play around with the materials and made an opening video with Pinnacle Studio. Yay! Link updated in first post.

Lacking 2 CGs and the final script =D


Regards,
Nellie

[Nellie]

Yay, first draft is up... Someone, anyone... Please do comment and leave a feedback!

(Never realised how much I'd love to know what others think of my game... So I promise I'll review and give feedbacks on every game I play from this moment onwards)


Regards,
Nellie

[jelly-crown]

I played it. ^^
Feedback:
-There were a few grammar errors... Here's some I typed.
"I guess it's be overtime again for me tonight."
"I pledged guilty to not making much of an effort to remember them."
At one point you said flight switch instead of light switch.
Also make sure you keep your tense consistent, it changed to present a few times.
There's a few more but I won't post them unless you want me to.
-The only thing I dislike about the art is that Adrienne was smiling all the time, even when something bad was happening... She needs more expressions, or it seems inappropriate.
-Your writing style isn't boring. My attention span is very short {I always abuse the CTRL key when playing VNs} but I finished the whole game, so it kept my attention. ^^ That's a thumbs up.
-It's a heartwarming game. I don't see a reason why I wouldn't read more from you.

[Nellie]

@jelly-crown

Thank you so much for putting in your time and effort to give it a try and such great feedbacks! I'll definitely need to seriously go through and edit the writing!!

As for Ad's character sprites, I will try to get a variety, though it might a bit difficult... but definitely will be up on my to do list!

Thanks again!

*hugs*

[broken_angel]

Haha, looks like I missed some stuff when I was editing.
Sorry about that. ^^;;

The animations of things on the screen was a nice touch.
I especially loved the first one, with Corrine on the phone.

Suggestions:
You might want to make more of a transition between the present and the past, maybe like a "____ years ago..." while on the black screen.
It may not be necessary...'tis just a suggestion.

On a totally random note...you used all the same songs as from RE: Alistair. >.>
I understand, though; it's a free resource thing, so I can't really count off points for that.

[Nellie]

Suggestions:
You might want to make more of a transition between the present and the past, maybe like a "____ years ago..." while on the black screen.
It may not be necessary...'tis just a suggestion.

That's a good idea. Suggestion noted and accepted!

On a totally random note...you used all the same songs as from RE: Alistair. >.>
I understand, though; it's a free resource thing, so I can't really count off points for that.

Oh dear... I totally didn't realise that... I was going through the music selection in SAM Music and choose the most appropriate ones >_<


Still, thanks so much for beta reading for me! (Desktop got cranky so might delay your chibi a bit... Sowwie >_<)

[Strum]

Nice looking game you made there. I agree with Da Fool on customizing the title screen at the very least. With nice art and music like that, its a pity you're still using the basic renpy framework for your game. Also, I don't know if its just me but, while you video is ok it looks like its a smaller resolution than the game itself (ie it looks pixely) You might also want a fade transition before returning the player back to the game after the opening video.
Its almost a shame its only a 15min kinetic novel, but I suppose that's what people mean by short and sweet.

[Nellie]

@Strum
Thanks for taking the time to try the KN and give valuable comments too!

I am currently trying to work out how to make a custom title screen - think I'm getting it! Lol...

As for the video, you're right... I couldn't make it any higher resolution as the size is getting ridiculous! Working on 'Now Loading' slides too!