(otome) Celest in Wonderland (WIP)

[SyphyChan]

Hello! I am in the process of making my very first visual novel and it will be a romance/dating sim! I don't have much of the art done but as soon as I finish a character I will post it here.

STORYLINE:
Celest is a girl whose very different. She's abused by her dad and her mom walked out years ago. She is very caring toward others but is never given a chance to show this kind side of her. She thinks differently and is a bit of a daydreamer. She has blood red eyes but nobody knows why. A natural eye color like that isn't normal. Finally when she has had enough of the abuse she runs away. After finding a garden she ends up stumbling into the rabbit hole and finds herself in wonderland centuries after Alice's appearance. Too bad the stories lie. Alice never defeated the red queen. Now her descendant the red prince rules. He aims to take over the surface world. Can they stop him before then?

SETTING:

The places where Celest will go includes a forest full of insane flowers and trees, the rabbits house (this is not a hentai so get your mind out of the gutter!) and the red prince's palace. There will probably be more places but for now that's all I've got.

CHARACTERS:


Celest

Elliot (Hatter)
He's friendly but a little flirtatious. Like everyone in he family he's going insane. He tries to hide it but somethings are inevitable. He tends to lose his train of thought easily and zones out often but pretends like he is ok. He rarely shows how he is really feeling

Cheshire (Cat)
He's shy and quiet. He gets embarrassed easily and doesn't know how to communicate well with others. Physical touch makes him very uncomfortable and he seems to have some trust issues. But often times, when he thinks no one is watching, he can be seen with a peaceful smile, when he watches things that he finda beautiful

Jabberwocky
He's strong, distant, cold, and can be hurtful but he's really just trying to hide his actual feelings. His way of speaking is rough and he always seems to be saying something harsh but thats only because he doesnt know how to say what he means properly. He is in the midst of trying to figure out who he really is.

Oberon (Caterpillar/butterfly)
He has gone through troubles but he doesn't like to show his pain. He rather not trouble others. He is incredible intelligent but is very hard to understand. His words are always cryptic and he tends to talk in riddles. He always means well and is never harsh with the heroin

Kaito (rabbit)
Unlike his ancestor, Kaito is never late for anything. He's incredibly relaxed and carefree. He always seems to do everything at a leisurely pace but somehow manages to always be finished on time and always arrives where he needs to be on time. He likes to nap and to watch the clouds

William (Red Prince)
He's strong and easily angered. He likes to tease people too. He can say hurtful things at times to hide his inner pain. He is bitter toward the world and has a past shrouded in mystery. The only person that seems to invoke any emotion beside rage and indifference, is the heroin

March Hare
He's crazy, energetic, and confusing. He also has a horrible sense for direction. He always talks very fast and says the most random things, often times it makes no sense. He loves to laugh and make others and though he always seema to be in his own world, he still manages to be in tune with others feeling, he always knows instantly how someone feels.

Those are the dateable guy characters.
EXTRA CHARACTERS:

Mary (White Princess)
A kind, sweet, and caring girl who's forte is magic and healing.

Rinny (Dormouse)
She's a young child who's energetic and skilled with a sword.


Please tell me what you think and if you have any suggests I'd be glad to hear them.


Story: 80%
Script: 0%
Character Designs: 0%
Backgrounds: 0%
CGs: 0%
(update: Hey guys the reason you haven't seen any updates is because like ALL my previous artists this one has dissapeared off the face of the earth too so back to square one! if your still sticken with me thanks -_- Just because of this long wait I'll give you guys a BIG treat when it's done.)

[Alphonse]

This sounds really interesting! I'll look forward to it. (Sorry, I'm not very experienced with Ren'Py so I can't help in that aspect...)

[LondonIvy]

It seems interesting. Reminds me of HNKNA, but Quinrose certainly doesn't have ownership of all Alice in Wonderland stories. I like the inclusion of the Jabberwocky.

"She is blood red eyes but nobody know why. A natural eye color like that isn't normal."

This made me wince a little. I'm not saying your main character's a Mary Sue. However, that in combination with the tragic past is questionable and puts her at risk of being one. You don't really give your character much personality beyond "She's different and abused and has a weird eye color and so she runs away." Expand on her or you risk alienating readers and making your MC flat.

Also, more detail on the setting would be nice to make it unique. Right now there's not really a hook to get people interested.

Other than that, I love Alice in Wonderland-esque stories. I'll keep an eye on this.

EDIT:

Also, I am semi-experienced with renpy so if you have any questions you can shoot them my way.

This is your first VN, I'm assuming? The number of guys you have seems overly ambitious. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying that I only have four truly romanceable characters in my game and it's almost too much for me to handle, but you know what you can deal with. Anyway, good luck!

[Miss-Mae]

Oooh, I'm always interested in anything to do with Wonderland. Can't wait to see some art. <3

[Julie]

Wonderland!!<3 I am interested in this story. I hope to see arts soon. ^^

[ofdawnandtwilight]

Finallly!!! An Alice in Wonderland fanfiction!!
I was thinking of making series of otome Alice In Wonderland Vns,
but now that I found this kinda changed my mind XD

But i hope you don't mind if i'm still thinking of doing those VNs,
BTw, I'll be stalking this! XD *subscribes*
I can't wait to play this!!!

[SyphyChan]

It seems interesting. Reminds me of HNKNA, but Quinrose certainly doesn't have ownership of all Alice in Wonderland stories. I like the inclusion of the Jabberwocky.

"She is blood red eyes but nobody know why. A natural eye color like that isn't normal."

This made me wince a little. I'm not saying your main character's a Mary Sue. However, that in combination with the tragic past is questionable and puts her at risk of being one. You don't really give your character much personality beyond "She's different and abused and has a weird eye color and so she runs away." Expand on her or you risk alienating readers and making your MC flat.

Also, more detail on the setting would be nice to make it unique. Right now there's not really a hook to get people interested.

Other than that, I love Alice in Wonderland-esque stories. I'll keep an eye on this.

EDIT:

Also, I am semi-experienced with renpy so if you have any questions you can shoot them my way.

This is your first VN, I'm assuming? The number of guys you have seems overly ambitious. I'm not saying it can't be done. I'm just saying that I only have four truly romanceable characters in my game and it's almost too much for me to handle, but you know what you can deal with. Anyway, good luck!

Thanks a lot. I edited it a bit. Also with visual novels since it's my 1st time I was wondering how (sorry if my explanation is weird) if I have one actionit lead to a certain scene or dialogue then ifI have a 2nd action that leads to the same scene how would I add something maybe in the middle without retyping the whole thing?

[LondonIvy]

What you want to do is very possible and easily done with labels and jumps. Generally, you can find all the information you need in the FAQ. Just look for "jumps" and "labels". I'll try to explain it here.

Here's a short example.

Code: Select all

 
   a "I'm saying dialogue here."
   "I am narrarating."
   b "I am replying."
   jump continue                                                                                
    
label continue:
   a "This dialogue is being continued from the other dialogue. Because of the jump it should be seamless in-game."
   b "It will be seamless even though there is a jump between these scenes."

In short, create the two scenes you want. Put the jump function after each.

Create the scene that you want each to lead to. Put the label function before it. Name it something. In this case I named it "continue". You can name it anything you want, however. You must keep the "label" and "jump" in there no matter what as that tells renpy what to do.

This particular example is only one scene leading to another. If you want TWO leading to the same scene, just create the second scene and put the jump function.

Oh, and mind the indents. The jump function should have one indent (I think) while the label function should have none with a ":" after it. Renpy is picky about things like that.

I'm not the greatest at explaining things. I highly recommend using the renpy FAQ and guides. They are much better than I am. Do you have any questions?

[SyphyChan]

What you want to do is very possible and easily done with labels and jumps. Generally, you can find all the information you need in the FAQ. Just look for "jumps" and "labels". I'll try to explain it here.

Here's a short example.

Code: Select all

 
   a "I'm saying dialogue here."
   "I am narrarating."
   b "I am replying."
   jump continue                                                                                
    
label continue:
   a "This dialogue is being continued from the other dialogue. Because of the jump it should be seamless in-game."
   b "It will be seamless even though there is a jump between these scenes."

In short, create the two scenes you want. Put the jump function after each.

Create the scene that you want each to lead to. Put the label function before it. Name it something. In this case I named it "continue". You can name it anything you want, however. You must keep the "label" and "jump" in there no matter what as that tells renpy what to do.

This particular example is only one scene leading to another. If you want TWO leading to the same scene, just create the second scene and put the jump function.

Oh, and mind the indents. The jump function should have one indent (I think) while the label function should have none with a ":" after it. Renpy is picky about things like that.

I'm not the greatest at explaining things. I highly recommend using the renpy FAQ and guides. They are much better than I am. Do you have any questions?

I understand the concept of jumping it's like if I have
menu:
"yes":
jump yes
"no":
jump no
label yes:
a "ok so they are talking?"
b "this conversation is quite interesting."
a "yea cause you picked yes."
b "I know I know"
label no:
a "ok so they are talking?"
b "this conversation is quite interesting."
a "yea cause you picked no."
b "I know I know"
(sorry about spacing. It showed up when I wrote it but not when I posted it)
But I dont wanna repeat the whole thing just to add that one little change. Do you get it now?
label

[night_serenade]

For the coding question above you could use IF statements, as in:

menu:
"yes":
$ pick = "yes"
jump yes

"no":
$ pick = "no"
jump no

label continue:
a "ok so they are talking?"
b "this conversation is quite interesting."

if pick == "yes":
a "yea cause you picked yes."
b "I know I know"

if pick == "no":
a "yea cause you picked no."
b "I know I know"


the indenting doesnt show, but if you want to know how you should indent it I'd be glad to send you a PM, or just write it down here.

Great idea for a VN by the way! I'll be waiting for more updates!

[LondonIvy]

Ah, yes. I understand what you're saying. Sorry for misunderstanding you. Honestly, I don't know if there is any other way to do it. That would be an advanced technique. You can try asking in the Renpy Help forums to see if anyone knows.

[SyphyChan]

Ah, yes. I understand what you're saying. Sorry for misunderstanding you. Honestly, I don't know if there is any other way to do it. That would be an advanced technique. You can try asking in the Renpy Help forums to see if anyone knows.

thanks for trying anyway ^-^

[SyphyChan]

For the coding question above you could use IF statements, as in:

menu:
"yes":
$ pick = "yes"
jump yes

"no":
$ pick = "no"
jump no

label continue:
a "ok so they are talking?"
b "this conversation is quite interesting."

if pick == "yes":
a "yea cause you picked yes."
b "I know I know"

if pick == "no":
a "yea cause you picked no."
b "I know I know"


the indenting doesnt show, but if you want to know how you should indent it I'd be glad to send you a PM, or just write it down here.

Great idea for a VN by the way! I'll be waiting for more updates!

OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! Ive been looking everywhere trying to find this out you are such a lifesaver! I could of died before I finished it! lol jk jk but seriously thanks!

[night_serenade]

Haha no problem! I'm always happy to help
If you every have any more questions about anything or problems just send me a message and I'll try my best to help!

[SyphyChan]

Haha no problem! I'm always happy to help
If you every have any more questions about anything or problems just send me a message and I'll try my best to help!

alright. Oh one more question. I have been trying to find the codes for colors ya know when you have a name be a different color. I need purple, red, blue, green, yellow, and grey ^_^