I just... need some feedback, so I can work on improving^^
You can be as harsh as you want, just as long as you're polite about it.
I try to get out most of the errors, but sometimes my speech recognition software likes to plant random words in my text. I apologize in advance.
I'm mostly concerned about the dialogue though.... Especially about the actions that the characters do in between the dialogue like picking up a cup of coffee, twirling her hair.... Etc. I really suck at inserting those types of things:/
And also whether it actually sounds all right>< And also whether it's boring or not.
Thanks in advance! I really appreciate it!
Intro:
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"It all started with a single snowball."
K "Incomiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!"
"I was on my way home from school. Just minding my own business."
"When all of a sudden I found myself caught in the middle of the most brutal snowball fight I had ever witnessed."
"It all started with a single snowball."
"But one became two, and two became three, and three became so many...."
"There were snow balls whizzing past me from all directions...."
"....and all I could do was fall to my knees, pray, and cower in fear."
"Crawling around the field like a spastic crab, blinded by the snow around me, I wondered if I was going to make it."
"In mere seconds, the attack of snowballs had turned into a true avalanche."
"I felt it was hopeless, and crawling around didn't seem to improve the situation."
"So I decided to just stay put, and squeezed my eyes shut until this ordeal was over."
M "Oh dear God! When will this end?! I'm too young to die! I still want to go to the 10th anniversary Pretty Priscilla Poppet doll convention!"
"As soon as I said those words, as if I'd summoned a guardian angel,I could hear footsteps running towards me."
K "Seize your fire! Seize your fire! We've got a code TCR-f! I repeat we've got a code TCR-f!"
"A boy's voice echoed across the field."
"And as if by a miracle, the never ending rain of snowballs started to slowly diminish."
"The footsteps closed into me and finally came to a halt."
"And then there was silence."
"Was this the end?"
"Was I dead or alive?"
"I was too afraid to look and find out."
"Suddenly I felt some fingertips gently touching my cheek, they brought a little warmth to my otherwise half frozen face."
B "You can open your eyes now, you know..."
"Crouching in front of me was a boy roughly my age, his eyes showed concern and..."
B "Are you all right? You look a bit..."
"I don't know whether it was from the shock of nearly getting killed, or the fact that my jaw seemed paralyzed from the cold..."
"But for a while, I couldn't get a single word across my tongue as I stared bewildered at the boy."
"In the background, some boys were complaining about me being in the way."
"How could these brats be responsible for the horror I had just survived?"
"The boy took my hand and helped me up."
B "Why don't we take you to a safer place."
"As he gave my hand a little squeeze, I could feel my cheeks starting to burn..."
"Now that I'd been able to catch my breath again, a sudden feeling of complete mortification crept up on me as I was surrounded by all these boys...."
"Some of them were smirking at the scene playing in front of them..."
"They must have thought I was a moron for freaking out like that."
B "I'm so sorry we-"
"To the boy's surprise, I let go of his hand."
Some dialogue:
At some point, the girl meets the boy again and because she's so embarrassed about last time they met, she tries to run away from him.... But he runs after her and soon catches up with her....
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"Just seconds later, the boy came to a halt next to me, and dropped to the ground, gasping for breath as if his life depended upon it."
B "I.... thought... you'd ....never... stop running."
B "What are ....you anyway? Some... prof...professional sprinter?"
"I reached my arms towards my toes, hoping that would get rid of the stitch."
M "Actually, I'm the first in my school's running team."
B "Ah...."
"The boy let himself fall backwards into the snow."
B "That.. explains...it.."
"For a while, we both stayed silent, huffing and puffing the run."
M "So, what do you want from me?"
"I looked towards the boy as he was still panting."
"He really seemed in bad shape."
B "Can't... Talk now. Need... Drink."
"He took one deep breath and then quickly scrambled up, brushing the snow off his jeans."
B "Lets find a café and get a drink or something."
M "Uh..okay."
"He didn't seem too bad. And besides, I didn't have anything better to do"
#at the café
B "So, you're not celebrating Christmas either?"
M "Nope."
"I sprinkle a couple of packets of sugar into my tea."
B "Wow, I think you're the first person I've met that doesn't celebrate Christmas either."
"He drank his iced coffee in one go."
B "So, that's why you're out here."
M "Well.... Not exactly."
M "You see...."
"I started to tell him about the past couple of days..."
M "....and so dad basically shoved me out of the door this morning. He said I should be outside on such beautiful day and I couldn't come back until I've had fun."
"I felt my mopey self coming back and quickly took a big sip of my drink."
B "I see..."
B "Well he's right. Today really is a nice day."
B "And, if you'd stayed at home, you wouldn't have run into me."
B ".... Or... Well.... You actually {i}ran{/i} away from me..."
B "But those are just minor details... Right?"
"He gave me a wink as he said that."
B "Ah!..."
B "Before I forget..."
"He started to search in his pockets."
B "You left this behind... That day..."
"He dangled something in front of my face."
"It was a keychain, with a little kitten."
M "........"
M "That's... not mine..."
B "....."
B "I could've sworn that...."
M "Never seen it before in my life..."
B "So... You're really not missing a key chain?"
M "Nope."
B "Oh... Because, that's the whole reason I was chasing you around."
B "And... "
"Averting his eyes from me, he twirled his cup around a bit."
B "I still wanted to apologize, we probably shouldn't have held a snowball fight there."
B "After you left, some old man came to scold us.."
"Then, with a little sparkle in his eyes he looked up me again."
B "But we found a new spot, where the chance of a code TCR happening is almost zero."
M "TCR?...Anyway..you're forgiven. Let's just forget about it"
"We both smiled at each other and fell silent for a moment."